Scared of commitment or normal?

[Yesorno111]

I'm wondering if I should cut my losses here

Been in a relationship for 14 months, no kids on either side, I'm 32 he is 33. Currently live apart and on our own. I had a conversation with him last night about the future.

When asked about marriage he said "it's way too early for that but I'm not against getting married"
When asked about kids he again said "I'm not against having kids eventually but I'm not ready and feel like I need to get my life in order"
When asked about moving in together he said "I don't think we're at that point yet"

AIBU for feeling like this relationship is going nowhere?

We see eachother every weekend currently. I'd like children and am 32 so don't really want to waste my time with someone who is not interested in showing any signs of long term commitment. I'm not really sure what to do now!

I think it’s normal. Try and relax and enjoy. This is still the honeymoon and early phase of your relationship. He hasn’t said no, just that’s it’s too early and I think he’s right after 14 months.

"I'm not against having kids eventually"
You'll probably no longer be fertile by the time he eventually makes up his mind.
I had a boyfriend who was like this. That ended thankfully and then I met my dh who was so much keener to progress the relationship. Not with kids straight away but with marriage and moving in. Then kids a bit later.
You deserve someone who's really into you.

It’s a tricky one. At least he is honest! How is your relationship in general? How well do you really know him? Can you resolve conflict? What is he like in an argument? Do your feelings matter? Do you have similar values?
Can you really talk to each other about your dreams and what you want out of life?

How does he react when you bring a grievance / difficult issue to him? Does he get defensive ? Or does he really listen to understand rather than respond ? Does he work with you to solve problems. I’m guessing at 14 months you have not got to that stage in the relationship yet and so perhaps don’t know all these things. But these things are so important in a long term marriage if you want it to be long term and you want kids. It’s more than just a secure job and money ( although that is needed aswell). If I could go back in time I’d be looking at his emotional maturity/ intelligence.

Do you really think he would make a good Dad?.

You also need to think about what you want in a partner. You haven’t said much about that. Only that you want kids with him and marriage as time is ticking.

Id try and explore things a bit more without nagging! But not constantly-he has given you his answer for now. I’d take that as he isn’t ready and neither is the relationship ready in his eyes.

He doesn’t know if you are ‘the one’ and if he did get manoeuvred into all quite soon without being fully committed the risk is you will be left on your own at some point with 2 kids.

i would have a few more exploratory conversations with him about what he means by getting his life in order. But I’d also thing more deeply yourself about whether you really want children with him.

The advice to OP and her wish is to get rid due to timeline considerations, not to proceed because she wants a baby.

Regardless, if a woman wants kids, to consider time as a factor is a biological necessity.

I think he would be at least be enthusiastic about these things and open to have a timeline in place, saying eventually makes me think, he’s not wanting to settle down for a very long time, men like this don’t care about wasting your time.

No. By this time, he'd know whether he wanted these things with you. If he's not sure now, why will he be any different in a year's time?
Having a baby is a test of any relationship. You want someone who is crazy keen about you so you can weather the storms.

You’re both in your 30s so you don’t have bags of time to play with on the issue of having children. My sister really wanted children but she kept putting it off until the ideal time. She waited too long and now it’s too late. Get rid of this man and find one who knows what he wants.

Sorry to sound blunt, his responses clearly indicate it’s not you he will be marrying.

I agree

I think that 14 months is enough time to know whether a relationship has potential to go the distance, at least on the moving in together front.

IMO he’s not interested in anything more permanent and I suspect that if you give him another year you’ll be in the same place.

If marriage and children are important to you, I would make that clear to him, but I suspect he’ll simply pay you lip service. I’d cut my losses OP.

You are not young enough to accept his lukewarm attitude to you if you want kids. You need to let him go and find someone who is all in.

P.S. My dad’s wife left for this reason and it kicked him into gear, they got married the year after and have had a great marriage for 30 years.

Sorry to say, ‘he’s just not that into you’. It’s harsh, but better to know now and move on. If he’s dragging his heels about the smallest of those commitments - moving in - then I can guarantee that he won’t be open to marriage, especially as he’s a homeowner and will see that as him giving away half his house.

Do you also own property? Are your earnings similar etc?

Marrying him will be like pulling teeth, if indeed it ever happens. And if you fall pregnant while waiting, don’t expect that to hasten his decision to protect you financially while on mat leave.

If at 33 he still doesn’t know about female fertility then he’s clearly an idiot. Drop him and start from scratch, with a plan to go it alone if the right man doesn’t come along.

I would say ditch him and start over. A man of his age should be more aware of your fertility and considerate of your situation.
I was in a similar situation at your age with a lukewarm guy, OP. It was really painful but I broke it off and then met my now husband on a dating app not long after. Engaged at 36, married at 37, first DC at 38. I'm really glad I took the plunge.
My ex is still single and very career focused, and seems to spend a lot of his free time gaming and arguing with strangers on the internet. We weren't meant to be. I'm glad I honoured my desires for what I wanted from life and took some ownership.
I feel like men these days seem to want an excessively long courtship period in their 30s. A guy really should be able to articulate a clear idea of what he wants and where he sees things heading at that age it's been a year to 18, months into a relationship.
To no be able to do so is - to use a favourite expression of my late grandmother - unbecoming.
(Edited - typo)

that last bit should say "to not* be able to do so"

So my feeling (from hard learned experience) is that if a guy is not chomping at the bit to be with you and is delaying things, putting you off whatever then it doesn't really matter why, it only matters that he isn't in a place to be an adequate partner to you and you need to cut your losses and move on. It could be that he's just nervous, afraid, messed up, avoidant, whatever it doesn't matter, even if he loves you the best way he can it isn't enough and so it's time to move on. It isn't your job to help him work on himself so he's ready to commit or to wait around until he is because you could be waiting forever and so many times I've seen women do this only for the guy to swan off and commit to the next women he has a clean slate with.

This.

“It’s really not healthy to try and engineer a relationship timeline to suit you just because you’re itching for a baby.”

I wholly disagree with this. I think it is sensible to very much consider timelines when dating in your thirties, if you would like children. I met my now DH at 30 and we spoke about children early on, he was congruent with his words and behaviour. I was married with a child by 34. I know many women who have been strung along in their thirties, with men promising commitment in the future (shared property, marriage, baby) only for this never to materialise and they found themselves single in their late thirties which is a more difficult place to be.

You have to be discerning and focused on what you want, I didn’t have time for time wasters! A man should and will know if he wants a future with you after 14 months.

You say you'd children and don't really want to waste your time with someone who is not interested in showing any signs of long term commitment.

Yet you are wasting your time with someone who is not interested in showing any signs of long term commitment.

So this post is very confusing.

@Onthebusses , it's not confusing. OP asks AIBU for feeling like this relationship is going nowhere?. It looks like she's given it 14 months and she'll give it a couple of weeks, discuss again.

You want different things. Leave, you're flogging a dead horse.

Good luck!

Why can't he sort his life out whilst making a commitment to you? His reasoning doesn't add up

You’re not his ‘one’.

So my feeling (from hard learned experience) is that if a guy is not chomping at the bit to be with you and is delaying things, putting you off whatever then it doesn't really matter why, it only matters that he isn't in a place to be an adequate partner to you and you need to cut your losses and move on. It could be that he's just nervous, afraid, messed up, avoidant, whatever it doesn't matter,

This.

Hoping for reluctant acceptance in 3 years time is a dumb strategy. Get out of dodge ASAP and move on.

Unless he's visibly keen right now he's not going to be an enthusiastic father ever.

Men who don't want to settle are 10 a penny. If all else fails, one of those can be found in 10 or 15 years time.

I actually think that she will give it longer than a few weeks and believe that she should try and try to get this man to impregnate her as she is running out of time.

She will see starting over as too challenging or time consuming.

And I think a wake up call is needed at times like this. You have to ditch people when they are not going to give you what you want and stop lying to yourself.

Ever day she is with him she is doing what she says she will not do.

I will discuss this with him again and if he doesn't show any real commitment or eagerness I am leaning much more towards ending it than giving it more time. I agree with others that I can't imagine his position will change much in a year and I will not wait endlessly. I do really like him, but it's a non-negotiable for me to be on the same page regarding future and children.