Scared of commitment or normal?

[Yesorno111]

I'm wondering if I should cut my losses here

Been in a relationship for 14 months, no kids on either side, I'm 32 he is 33. Currently live apart and on our own. I had a conversation with him last night about the future.

When asked about marriage he said "it's way too early for that but I'm not against getting married"
When asked about kids he again said "I'm not against having kids eventually but I'm not ready and feel like I need to get my life in order"
When asked about moving in together he said "I don't think we're at that point yet"

AIBU for feeling like this relationship is going nowhere?

We see eachother every weekend currently. I'd like children and am 32 so don't really want to waste my time with someone who is not interested in showing any signs of long term commitment. I'm not really sure what to do now!

You're both in your 30s and he's giving you vague and general answers about progressing your relationship after more than a year together. I think that means he is not going to marry you or have kids with you and he knows it. You're being future faked and it's time to move on.

I will discuss this with him again and if he doesn't show any real commitment or eagerness

I'd be very careful. You already know he's not keen. Talking to him might put him on the spot and lead.to a promise he doesn't keep or some form of words that keeps you hanging on.

People who want children talk about wanting children. You'd know if he was gagging for a family it would come up in conversation prompted by him. In fact he'd already have popped the question to ensure a stable home for the kids he wants.

Judge him by his actions, he isn't doing the things that someone who wants kids does. I don't doubt you could make him say "Well maybe I'll want kids in a year or two." but that really doesn't help you, it just wastes more years.

You're being future faked

She's really not, quite the opposite, he's promising nothing whatsoever, which is giving the OP this chance to cut her losses.

I am late to this thread, OP, but if you know that you want marriage & kids, find someone who actively wants the same thing.

FWIW I had similar frustrations at 32 with my then 42 DP, who already had DC11. There were two conversations that were never resolved:

1. Buying a flat - I admit that I raised the topic of cohabitation early BUT I had the opportunity to buy a BTL. I wanted to know if I should go ahead, or if a joint purchase may be on the cards within 2-3 years. He said it was far too early to discuss this, refused to answer either way, never brought it up again when I suggested that he think about it for a couple of months, then when I bought the BTL sulked because I am "very independent in my decsion making".
2. Kids - Given that he already had DC11, I asked if he'd like to have more children, if one was enough, if he absolutely knew that he did not want to repeat the baby years, etc. but he refused to answer. His response was "not now, but not never". Whenever I tried to establish how long "now" was or when "never" might be, it became a huge argument that was never resolved.

After nearly 3 years I realised that he was just someone who was never going to do "more" in his lifetime. I am now nearly 40 happily doing whatever I want without someone else's indecision and lack of commitment holding me back.

As an alternative viewpoint, when I think of all my close friends, I can only think of one who had a partner who wanted children early on. She held him off for a few years before they started a family.

In a lot of cases, it takes guys a while to get on board with the idea of kids. I agree you should try and bottom out how he really feels about this. But I disagree with PPs who seem to suggest men commonly know they want children a year into a relationship.

Alternatively, choosing a husband, and him choosing you as a wife, for practical, non-romantic reasons can be a sensible course of action.

You might choose him precisely because you both want kids and see each other as likely good parents - this is an excellent first-filter.
Then you can consider whether they have any character faults or personality traits or habits that would make them unbearable to live with. If not, they may be a very good bet for a long-term family.

"genuine love" is a very nebulous thing - not clear enough to base decisions on.

"true compatibility" varies with your criteria: 'compatible as a husband and father sharing a home' is very different to 'compatible for great sex' or 'compatible for joint hobbies and restaurant choices'

He’s not that into the relationship, move on..

Essentially, he doesn't want to commit himself to you, in any way, at this current time. He's clearly not ready for living together, marriage or babies. Now, that might change in a year or two but equally it might not. He's not promising anything at this stage. I will say that in my personal opinion, if a man genuinely loves a woman, wants children/marriage with her, he won't be giving vague answers to these questions. Don't wait around too long, for him to want the same things as you.

I would just cool it right down for now. Match his energy as the young people say. He may come to his senses and realise he's about to lose someone important, and if he doesn't, move on.

I was with my ex for 8 years and he wouldn’t commit to marriage or children. He was 15 years older than me and had already had both. He would say “one day but not just yet”. Our relationship was great but I knew I wanted marriage and children. We had bought a home together and at age 32 I left him.

I knew marriage and children were important to me. We sold the house and I began dating. At age 34 I met my DH online. I made it clear from the start I wanted marriage and children, he was unsure about kids and I said it was non-negotiable and I wouldn’t waste my time with anyone who didn’t want the same things as me. My DH said once he had reached 30 he was serious about settling down. He was the same age as me. Within a year we had moved in together and he had proposed. Two years later (aged 36) we were married. A year later I had our first child and went onto have two subsequent children. I’m 43 now and had our last child aged 40. As a woman you know what you want and what you are willing to accept. My DH is the best husband and father I could have wished for - time goes very fast, don’t let your fertility years pass you by because of someone else’s indecision.

I am in the group of he’s not into you. For me, that’s plenty of time to know.

Are you into him? Do you love him really? You mention your fertility years but not about feelings for him.

An important thing about moving in, marriage and kids is, does he want this with you.

I do think some men just are quite blasé about women's fertility, and it may not be that He's Not That Into You, it genuinely may be that he's not really registered you're in your 30s and what that means. Have another chat, point out what you want and when you need it to happen, rather than a vague "do you want kids", make it about you "I appreciate this sounds rigid, but I have to be practical, I want to be married around 35 because I want to be married before children and trying for children after 38 is very risky for women, especially as I want more than 1" (I was never bothered about marriage, but I knew I wanted kids and I wanted 2, so I needed to start imo at 35 latest). If he's thinking that this all sounds too soon and too scary, cut and run, and let him date a 20-something who has time for him to grow up.
I do agree with people that not discussing living together is a red flag after 14 mths, I found my dh and I just naturally wanted to spend more time together until it got silly and we just moved in. If he's happy casually dating after 14 mths and you both aren't frustrated at you each heading home and being apart for a while after each date then how much do you really want to be together....

I just want to update this thread.

We had a chat about all this again. I somehow wasn't expecting it but he admitted he didn't love me or see a future with me and suggested we split. I was hoping he'd do the opposite and reassure me.

So it's ended. I did genuinely really like him and I've felt sick since.

@Yesorno111 , that must be so tough for you. You did the right thing.
[HUG]

Sorry to hear this OP. But at least you are free now to meet someone who is crazy about you and doesn’t leave you guessing.

Oh that's a shame. I'm sorry you're upset.
It's best that this has happened now though.

Sorry OP, it’s pretty awful of him to be in a relationship with you for 14 months when he doesn’t love you or see a future! You definitely did the right thing, you are worth more than what he is able to offer you.

Well done OP, and respect to him for being honest with you. He's not the only guy in the world who doesn't want a family.

You can now move on and build the life you want.

Mate I'm so sorry 💔 this will feel awful for some time.
But in due course you will see this as a liberation. You are now free to find someone who adores you and is going to prioritise you.
I've been exactly where you are now and lived to tell the tale, as I'm sure a fair few posters on this thread have been.
Be courageous, it will get better from here, I promise.
With love,
Some random mum from the internet x

I know this is so painful and not what you were hoping for. Big hugs. But kudos to you for tackling this head on. I know it won't feel like a good thing right now, but you could have been strung along in limbo for years while he dallied around. Better to know sooner rather than later where you stand. But such a painful thing to go through.