17 year age gap

[sagebloom]

I got divorced 3 years ago, from what I now understand was a very emotionally abusive relationship. I've done a lot of work on myself, had 60 hours of counselling so far and finally started rebuilding hobbies for myself too.

At one of those hobbies, I've become friends with a lovely man who's always kind and respectful, shows an interest in what I have to say, is supportive etc. He's been a good example that men aren't all like my ex!

I've started to get feelings for him which I haven't acted on as I don't think I'm ready yet anyway, but also... he's 17 years older than me. I'm 39, he's 56. Most of the time I don't think this bothers me, as after the experiences I've had in the past, it being the right person is much more important to me than age. BUT my friend pointed out some logistics like how much earlier he'll retire than me, and questioned whether I'd be better waiting to meet someone closer in age. This is one of the first men I've met outside my marriage and passing acquaintances. (FWIW this man and I both DC already so no issues there)

What do you all think? Any wise guidance?? 🌷

I also find

"By the time I am pushing 70 we will be 30+ years married and reconsidering life choices at that point will become trivial"

creepy.

Trivial for whom? It won't be trivial to her when she's 50 and has to spend the next 15-20 years looking after an old man.

My DH is 16 years older. He retired before me, does a huge amount of the housework and shopping, still does most of the DIY and keeps himself very active both physically and mentally.

In his early 80s he is still cycling, swimming and walking regularly. I have always been aware of what the future might bring but we have had nearly 40 years of happy marriage, he is my best friend, and I think that many people are unable to say that about similar age partners.

My widowed sister remarried an older man, not such a big gap as yourself but now she is a nurse maid again. Myself and other sister did warn her, she was always going to be his Katherine Parr. Her other older DH was in his sixties when he died of cancer and she nursed him as well. She had just got to the stage in life where kids needed her less. She got 2 years of a nice relationship, she is bloody miserable now and his health issues are ones that won’t kill him.

When she said she had met this guy at a hobby group what struck me is my sister looks a lot younger than she is so he thought she was 20 years younger. I remember thinking what an arrogant twat. The first time we met him it was excruciating as he seemed to want to dazzle us with his intellectual prowess and forced us to do a quiz! We both beat his score, okay that’s personality and not age but uuggh.

Also as you were in an abusive relationship be aware that any kindness may. seem amazing but he could just be a regular guy.

I’m 48 and have worked out 17 years younger (30 far too young) and 17 years older (65 far too old and I’d be jealous he’d be retiring soon!). I would say have fun and date but don’t build your life plan around him.

I agree. My ex was very fractious once retired. Wanting to get off on holiday while I was working, and resenting that I couldn't. Wanting lunches out and to pop out to the pub. Now he'd really like someone at home with him everyday because he's older and less fit and wants company.

But I was clearly a fair weather partner. I did enough caring for my children. I don't want to look after someone else's dad. His kids can do that. (I'm misrepresenting our breakup here. That came about for different reasons.)

@Sanjay1970

‘ I made sure she pursued her academic ambitions and with my corporate experience i moulded her into a very strong C level personality in the country we live. And you may find that smug but i sense a lot of resentment in your life choices bases on a very shallow personality.’

Look - what you describe below is a
typical patriarchal relationship. And I get that there are still many countries when relationships work like this - older men with money pick really young women and ‘mould’ them - or just enjoy the partnerships with much younger women that won’t typically happen in more developed countries. Or even in your country had you not have your money.

It’s economic trade off, which of course is also helped by both people accepting it and playing their roles. And often it does produce happy unions because people have different expectation of what a marriage is for.

I also come from a country/culture where this is also very common for men with money.
In such places women after the age of 40/50 don’t have much value and are considered way past prime to be attractive - so you are safe in your 70s.

I am not judging really - more making a point that experience of an economically uneven age gap relationship in a patriarchal culture is not always applicable to a western-pattern relationship.

I'll say the same thing about relationship age gaps as I do about sibling age gaps (for parents who fret about larger ones): It's not at all about age. It's is entirely about personality and one's own mentality. You have some 80 year olds in better shape and with better dispositions than some 50 year olds and vice versa. I will go into the weeds here.
I had a 14 year age gap with my now ex husband. We married when I was 38 and he was 52. I was very vulnerable when first I met him: Lone parent to a young son. I was struggling to co parent with my first ex husband of five years. I'd lost my dad and my uncle back to back, made a huge move- both house and job, and I worked every hour God sent me. I was lonely, tired, overworked, young, and missing love tremendously. So when the man who became my second husband showed up, I was, looking back, really into him but honestly, a little broken and desperate. I was willing to overlook fundamental warnings, thanks to his outward kindness and generosity. Those fundamental warnings had nothing to do with our age gap whatsoever.

The friendship with him was amazing. The courtship was lovely. The marriage was abysmal. And there's no way of knowing any of this until it becomes the lived experience. But there are red flags and clues.
We struggled with a myriad of problems within our marriage and our age gap never actually was one of those problems. Being an Asshole Male does not discriminate.

Take your time. See how it goes. Do.Not.Rush.In and start fantasising about having babies with this guy. You are very fragile right now. Fix you so that you have something solid and stable to bring to the friendship and maybe even relationship if it goes in that direction. Trust the process. Work on you. Find your peace and equilibrium.
Best of luck. Take your time.

This is amusing. Men do tend to believe the version of reality they created around themselves.

Your W went from her parent's house to your house, most likely. From one older man, who directed her life, to another older man who continued. She didn't really have much choice of partners - it's unlikely she dated much before you.
If you didn't have your money and did not offer her prospects of a good life - she'd no be with you now. There would not have been the "genuine love" that you two fell into when you met.

That said - I actually think that arranged marriages are often more solid and happier than many western marriages. At least in the older generations.
People entered them with common understanding of why they are going into a relationship. And made an effort.

Western idea that ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE - leads to so much disappointments. As love is often not enough for a relationship to actually work.

What bothers me is how I knew before clicking what direction the age gap would be

I’m 49 and partner is 64 now, it sounds crazy when I see it on paper, but we met 20 years ago doing a sport we both love (and still do!). I still think he’s absolutely gorgeous and in no way does he look 64. I’ve not really felt the age difference so far, but that might change. I do think though that life can take a wrong turn at any age. A friend had two kids in her very early forties, shortly after she died of cancer. Some people age well, other people are really unlucky at an early age. Did you see that guy in the news today - 88 and running his (forgot which number he’s up to now, but roughly) 17th ultramarathon. He’s aiming to do 100 of them before he’s 100 !

"I moulded her"

Your every new post reveals you to be the type of arrogant, controlling, creepy, predatory older man we warn younger women against. Your poor young wife.

And now the mask has slipped.

Someone is clearly not used to women having a different opinion.
Easy solution - call them stupid.

Or, can it be? Mr.President????

Oh and someone questioned sex somewhere further down. Our sex life has always been amazing and at 64 he’s no different now than he was 20 years ago.

@Sanjay1970
We really struck a nerve there, didn’t we.
The loving older man married to a wonderful young woman, adoring her, etc. Genuine love, cherishing his W.
And in reality - this.

This is amusing. Truly.
I am a mother, chatting to other mothers on Mumsnet. Exchanging thoughts and ideas with other women.

You? What’s your story? What are you even doing here, with your newly minted name?
Came here for validation? Or to find some women to scream at?

Absolutely not. I was slightly older 25/26 when I dated someone who was 42/43. Now that I’m nearing 40 myself, I can see just how wrong it was, and I really can’t imagine ever being attracted to someone in their 20s. Even at 25/26 the difference in emotional maturity and life experience is enormous. To me they are kids. Even science now says that adolescence lasts until your early 30s.

I can now see how controlling he was, in a way that I couldn’t understand at the time. He was always two steps ahead of me.

Hmmm I wonder where @Sanjay1970 has gone? It's almost a shame, because he was doing a truly stirling job of showing us exactly why young women should avoid much older men. This was a man who

• Came here telling us smugly how he preyed on and snagged a 22 year old when he was in his late 30s.
• This was after he had TWO self-proclaimed "toxic" relationships - no doubt with "crazy" bitches (ie sensible women of his age who saw what a self-aggrandising selfish toxic person HE was), yes, it was all their fault, he was their victim: this clearly demonstrates he has no accountability, no maturity, has all the insight of a pubescent gnat, and will never learn.
• He then said that him being old and requiring his young wife to care for him was "trivial" and anyway by then his wife would be so trapped by obligation she would give up her youthful 60s and 70s to care for doddering old him.
• That he had "moulded" his wife into a super businesswoman - no doubt so that he can boast to his friends how his young wife is not only young, beautiful, compliant and adoring but also brings in money, so his mates will look at him round-mouthed and say, wow, look at Sanjay, what a MAN!
• And then, when PPs challenged him, he did what EVERY toxic male does when challenged by a woman - he went for personal insult and called us personality disordered. If he could have seen us, he probably would have told us we were ugly and must be sexually frustrated and need some dick.

This - THIS - is exactly why women should warn young women about getting with much older men. Luckily my kids (late teens/20s) and their friends really seem to have gotten this message, they viscerally despise older men who show sexual interest in them and they counsel their friends who get hooked by older men about the power imbalance and dangers of getting into a relationship with a controlling older person.

He probably changed his user name again and went to scream on some other thread.
Who knows if he is even real, or made it all up.

Him aside - age gap relationships happen, and can be happy, of course. Controlling crappy men don’t need to be much older - men like him would probably be the same in any sort of relationship. Hence why he had ‘toxic’ relationships prior - going with his story. Most likely it was women not complying with his moulding.

But when a woman is much younger, when there is economic disparity, and it is all playing out in a more patriarchal cultural setting - it’s hard to see such relationships as equal. It doesn’t necessarily mean women are unhappy - it just means that it’s a different sort of marriage - the kind we don’t have in the west much anymore.

It is hard to generalise - but age gap relationships do have additional challenges. So personally - I’d not chose to have one. But life happens.

DH is 22 years older than me and we met when i was 30. I'm now 53. We have two DCs, now teens. DH did not have any other children.

It's works for 23 years for us and I still fancy him. I went in on the understanding that it was very likely I will end up as his carer. I'm still okay with that. he retired 10 years ago and it was brilliant at the time because we have a disabled older DS and DH did all the heavy lifting while i continued at work. I did feel very sad though that I would probably miss out on the best of his retirement years though.

I've since retired due to ill-health and a life limiting ilness. Our Dcs are in GCSE year and Year 9 so we won't be doing any travelling alone for a bit!

It works for us. I have a good and happy life. I still fancy DH, although our sex life is slowing down now.

I always think you can't know what the future holds. If you find someone you love then I think grab that with both hands. No-one can predict anything.

20 years difference here. Been married 30 years. Take it slow and if it works for you both then fine. Take no notice of what other people say, it’s between you and him.

Don't do it. These types of large age gaps never work.

Plenty of posts on here saying how they have worked.

They can work. DH and I had the same age gap as you. (I was in my 30s when we married.) However, as I said upthread, you need to go in with your eyes open - as we both plainly did.

So far as retirement years are concerned, I do feel robbed although I knew what the likelihood would be.

I agree 100% about going in with eyes open. I was pretty clear inside my head that I would probably be a carer. My parents are 1 year and 2 years older than DH and I also had to have very clear expectations about ending up as a carer for all 3 at some point. That said- DH is in great shape, both my parents have chronic illnesses and various cancers and seem a much older generation to DH who runs half marathons; is involved with an extreme sport (slowing down a bit now) and who is incredibly actively physically involved both with our teens but also me as I now have physical limitations. We joke his genes are excellent while mine are pretty rubbish! My forebears all die under the age of 80- his all reach 100 and more!

Not sure if it helped me, but round about the time I met DH my younger cousin (25 to my 30) also met and married a man more than 2 decades older than her. So we discussed alot between ourselves about what to expect. They are still together also and going strong. Also have two teenagers!

Not going to lie it's not always easy. DH has become a bit forgetful - and truth is i'm not sure if ti means a cognitive decline, or just is due to the fact he lives alot inside his own head. It's been a watching brief on that score for about 3-4 years or so for me.

I wouldn't change anything though. He's my best friend and we have a wonderful relationship. I honestly cannot ask for anything more, for myself. But again, that is likely to be despite the age difference not because of it!

I’d focus on living in the now. If dating him now works for you and makes you happy, go for it. There are countless reasons why relationships don’t last. Maybe the age gap will be a problem later on, maybe not. Maybe you won’t even get to the point where the age gap becomes an issue because the relationship doesn’t progress for other reasons.