17 year age gap

[sagebloom]

I got divorced 3 years ago, from what I now understand was a very emotionally abusive relationship. I've done a lot of work on myself, had 60 hours of counselling so far and finally started rebuilding hobbies for myself too.

At one of those hobbies, I've become friends with a lovely man who's always kind and respectful, shows an interest in what I have to say, is supportive etc. He's been a good example that men aren't all like my ex!

I've started to get feelings for him which I haven't acted on as I don't think I'm ready yet anyway, but also... he's 17 years older than me. I'm 39, he's 56. Most of the time I don't think this bothers me, as after the experiences I've had in the past, it being the right person is much more important to me than age. BUT my friend pointed out some logistics like how much earlier he'll retire than me, and questioned whether I'd be better waiting to meet someone closer in age. This is one of the first men I've met outside my marriage and passing acquaintances. (FWIW this man and I both DC already so no issues there)

What do you all think? Any wise guidance?? 🌷

Don’t do it. You’ll be changing his nappies in a few decades. It happened to my mum with a similar age gap.

Most definitely this.

When we think about retiring with someone we think of good time spent together. Holidays. Meals. Companionship. Not wiping someone's bum. Holding the sippy cup when they drink because they've not got a secure grip.

I can't do that.

Would you go 17 years younger?

I don't know you - so don't take it personally.

But if my 22yo daughter told me she met a nearly 40yo who is on his 2nd toxic marriage, I'd tell her to run as fast as she could. So many things are wrong in this picture - when one person is just starting adult life after living uni (and if not, just finishing whatever training they were doing) - and the other person already lived almost a double of their life. Not to mention the 2 toxic relationships, with one common denominator.
It is also hard to imagine that the 22yo would be an equal partner, and would get to experience life as a young person should. Instead they'll be moulded to fit the needs and preferences of the older and more mature person.

In 10 years, your lovely wife will be only 50, the age I am now. You would be close to 70 - and she might question the choices she made as a young woman.
The age difference works well for you - but for her, not as much.

Do you mean older? I think that the poster is the older person in the relationship.

FWIW, my late husband was more than 20 yrs my senior. There are definitely challenges in an age gap relationship. I went into it with my eyes open, but I mostly knew what the drawbacks were likely to be and I was hit with all of them. (Retiring at different times, finishing up as my husband's carer and being widowed relatively young.)

I miss my husband every day, but life would have been so much easier had we been closer in age.

I am in a MUCH larger age gap than you and it has been the most wonderful relationship of my life. It really depends on the person and your chemistry/comparability.

My partner is in his late sixties (me early 40s) and he's an incredibly exciting, fun, hilarious and enlivening person to be with. I've learnt so much about love from being with him, and it's helped me grow a lot as a person. I'll never regret meeting him and taking the risk of the age gap. We have been together for 4 years and have pledged to stay together as long as we're both feeling it. We are both up front about the age gap and he knows that it may not be what I want long term, but every day I choose him and I don't see it changing anytime soon.

I do think he is a outlier but they do exist.
Contrary to the ageism on this thread, he is the opposite of 'stuck in his ways'. He loves learning and meeting people and having adventures. He has bags of energy (way more than me!) and so much enthusiasm for life.

He's physically extremely fit and strong. He works out so he's super muscular with a flat stomach and looks amazing. His face is beautiful with high cheek bones and so attractive. He has amazing posture because he used to teach it. Physically he's in better shape than ALL of the 30-40 year olds I've been out with because he looks after himself.

He is world-class at listening and giving thoughtful, considered answers, or asking insightful questions. He has studied a lot and constantly practising what he is learning. He makes me laugh so much.

Yes he is retired and I'm still mid career but the benefits of this is that he's always around if I need him. He is a great emotional support, as I am for him. He has his own projects and interests that he gets on with. We don't live together so we each get to benefit from two residences, in town and country.

I just wanted to share this to paint a different picture from a lot of the posts on this thread. It can absolutely work but just depends so much on the person and how you are as a couple.

Im 20 years older than my partner we were friends first and things developed naturally. I sometimes worry about the age difference but I have decided to enjoy what we have and leave the rest to fate.

Are you 100% sure he's not married?

I've been where your wife is. Fantastic relationship with a man who was 17 1/2 years older than me. Love of my life.

By the time I got to late 50s (where you are now) he was in his 70s and starting to decline. His ageing put an end to the lovely side of our relationship and I became a carer in many ways.

17 years is too big a difference. When one partner is 25 and the other is 42 no problem. When one partner is 35 and the other is 52 no problem. But as you age, you will become a burden.

Lucky you, poor wife.

There was 19 years between my parents - my mum being the older one. They met when my dad was 26 and mum 45. They were happy together for 41 years. My dh and I also have a similar difference in that I am the older one. He was 29 when we met and I was in my 40s , divorced with dc. We have been together for 18 years and still as happy and in love as we have always been. Just enjoy getting to know him it may work or it may not just like any relationship. Enjoy it and see where it goes! ( my only concern with an older man would be his adult dc judging by things I have read on Mumsnet over the years - usually about inheritance!)

Have a slightly larger age gap than the OP, married over a decade, two DC together. Age gaps go through stages, so agree with what pp have alluded to, in that as you both age the gap may become more pronounced somehow, and you may want different things or have different outlooks.
For myself it seems like we are on the cusp of a new age gap ‘stage’, and I have been ruminating over this and the implications for the past few months if i’m honest.
it’s really tricky and I think you need to trust your judgment, but enter with eyes wide open. Appreciate the comments on this thread by others who have been through similar.

Why is it always a friend that feels the need to interfere in an age gap relationship.

Follow your heart or your head. You know what is right for you.

Like all relationships it may work and it may not.

OP why can’t you just enjoy having a crush on him? Why does it have to turn into dating or a full blown committed relationship? He might be lovely but he’s not the only lovely man on the planet and lovely men exist in your age range.

Question for the MN who dated 39/40 year olds when they were 22/23: when you got to 39/40 yourself, did you find 22/23 year olds sexually attractive and on the same level as you? I’m only mid 30s and can’t imagine getting into even a casual relationship with someone that age, never mind marrying them! I think “aww what a lovely good looking young lad, bless him”, I’d feel like I was taking advantage of him if I got into a relationship. I feel fine thinking about dating a guy in his late 20s though, they have had more life experience, more years as an adult to figure out who they are.

I’m asking out of pure nosiness btw and happy to admit my own prejudices here!

No she’s the younger one

My DH is 16 years older than me. Met when I was 22 and he was 38. Fat forward and is our 20th wedding anniversary this year and we have been together 24/25 years I think? Yes he’s 62 and I’m 46 but overall he’s been an absolutely brilliant partner and an excellent dad. He will always, always put our children’s and grandchildren’s needs above his own and he adores me. He is not demanding or a PITA and thankfully we both have the same life goals and are more than happy with our set up. We are still very much sexually active and I still find him as attractive today as I did when I met him.

yes he’s retiring in 4-5 years but I can’t work more than part time at best anyway Due to several autoimmune diseases and other issues. We have a lovely retirement/semi retirement planned out and I don’t care if we are low income as I genuinely love him. We can make it work with our modest lot in life, I don’t doubt it.

Mumsnet is very ageist. I have a friend who married a man twice her age,it didn't work out, he declined physically in his 40s, owing to a football injury and then huge weight gain. I was nursing over 40 years and wonder about the "you'll end up as his carer, changing his nappies", they would be willing to do for a husband/partner of a similar age,who had broken his neck or had a stroke. My neighbours are really happily married, she absolutely adores him, they met at work when she was in her 30s him 20 years older, they, moved in together quickly, been married almost 15 years. She had been married twice before to men of a similar age to her. They do a lot together and also have their own hobbies, and interests. I have a lot of friends with husbands a similar age to them,been married since their late 20s early 30s,who appear to have nothing in common, don't do anything together at all.. they are like house mates, except not very matey.

It’s not ageist to not want someone older than you, and think it’s odd when others do it. You sound like those men who get offended when younger women don’t find them attractive. They shouldn’t be offended, they shouldn’t even consider they’d be an option!

I'm definitely not a man, Im a woman married to a younger man,27 years this year. I didn't ask for his DOB when we met at work or become an item..you can't choose who you fall in love with.
My late DM and late DF mother were all older than their husbands.

Oh,my DHs late mother was quite a few years older than her second DH,he died of cancer quite young. First DH died of a heart attack in his 50s..no guarantee.

Well it’s good to see it that way round for once. If age gaps are an okay thing then they need to be equally across both sexes.

You sound so smug. And so - off, somehow.
Or quite full of yourself?
I can see why - you were a 40yo, who got himself a much you get woman you moulded to a perfect little wife. And I am sure - she got some positives - mostly in economic security. But you seem not to appreciate/acknowledge
what she gave up in return.
As to you - you gained a lot more in this relationship - a young malleable wife who would become carer, way before her time. What’s not to be smug about.

Saying that by the time you are pushing 70 - you W - it would be trivial for your W to question her life choices when young… Hm - she would only be in her early 50s. And still full on energy and life - not much different from you now. Why shouldn’t she trade you in for a younger model. So that she, like you - gets to enjoy life in her 50s.
Just saying…

Omg no run! Ul be his carer in no time. I don’t think age gaps this big can ever work especially as u get older. I think 10yrs max. Even then you’re both at different times of life heading towards retirement. That can built resentment with one out working and the other wanting to travel and do things whenever they fancy.

Sorry - I realise now that you were referring to the OP.

"Mumsnet is very ageist. I have a friend who married a man twice her age,it didn't work out, he declined physically in his 40s, owing to a football injury and then huge weight gain. I was nursing over 40 years and wonder about the "you'll end up as his carer, changing his nappies", they would be willing to do for a husband/partner of a similar age,who had broken his neck or had a stroke."

Yes, I would look after my H (same age) if he had a stroke etc, but I definitely would not want to elevate the time spent caring by going for a significantly older man. I also would not want to stay with someone who is reckless with his health, because the burden of his choices would fall on me.

It's not ageist to be clear eyed about the significantly higher risk of ending up with an old and frail person with significant health issues that limit your own life when you yourself are still fit and want more than trundling from doctor apt to doctor apt.

It's true that even when the age is about the same that life can kick you in the teeth.

As I said above, I miss my husband every day. He kept himself very fit but developed a health problem not of his making in his late 50s and then in his 60s. Related to this he had a stroke in his 70s. I was lucky that he made it to his 80s.

Another family member wasn't so fortunate. There was the same age gap between her and her partner and he died of heart attack in his 60s, leaving her with a young child - so yes, fate plays a part in it.

You need to go into these relationships with your eyes open. In the case of the family member I mentioned, they 'didn't expect anything to happen' so - for example - the partner hadn't even made a will, leaving my relative with a financial nightmare to sort out.

Someone above alluded to 'financial security'. That's not always how it works out with an older partner or spouse. The younger person normally finishes up being the breadwinner and sometimes doing that as well as being carer. It also has implications for people who have children.

All I'm saying is that when there's a large age gap, enjoy what you have but be realistic and be prepared. (Worst case scenario: how do you cope with working, looking after any children, caring for your spouse and possibly caring or advocating for elderly parents?)