17 year age gap

[sagebloom]

I got divorced 3 years ago, from what I now understand was a very emotionally abusive relationship. I've done a lot of work on myself, had 60 hours of counselling so far and finally started rebuilding hobbies for myself too.

At one of those hobbies, I've become friends with a lovely man who's always kind and respectful, shows an interest in what I have to say, is supportive etc. He's been a good example that men aren't all like my ex!

I've started to get feelings for him which I haven't acted on as I don't think I'm ready yet anyway, but also... he's 17 years older than me. I'm 39, he's 56. Most of the time I don't think this bothers me, as after the experiences I've had in the past, it being the right person is much more important to me than age. BUT my friend pointed out some logistics like how much earlier he'll retire than me, and questioned whether I'd be better waiting to meet someone closer in age. This is one of the first men I've met outside my marriage and passing acquaintances. (FWIW this man and I both DC already so no issues there)

What do you all think? Any wise guidance?? 🌷

An age gap that large can work but is fraught with challenges. As you stated when he retires he may want to travel, make the most of his free time and you won't be able to join him. Also, while some people are very physically fit and active well into their later years (MIL nearly in her 70s and fitter than me and in no way elderly, travels globally, still works etc), some people can decline. My grandfather who looked after himself started to have health problems from early 60s and died at 71. You could find yourself in a caring role early on.

What I would say is people come into our lives for all sorts of reasons and seasons. Maybe he is not someone you settle down with for the next 30 years but maybe you date. Restore your faith in men. Have fun without the pressure of where is it going. He doesn't need to be your next husband, he could just be some wonderful company for some time.

I think go for it with an open mind and honest approach that this is unlikely to be a long relationship! And there’s nothing wrong with that. You’ve probably got ten years tops where it could be perfectly pleasant.
but 49 and 66 will be unlikely to still be doing it for you. I’m 50, there’s no way I’d look twice at a 67 year old man, they’re old!

Don’t do it. There’s something very red flaggy about a man who befriends and goes after a woman so much younger. Yes, he’s all nice and listening now, but that’s because he wants to bag you. Usually there’s a whole other side that comes out once they win you over. The fact he’d chase you instead of women his own age gives me very creepy vibes, especially as you seem to be vulnerable with a history of not spotting abuse.

Hi, I’m the same age as you and got involved with a man of 56, also.
I had high hopes at first as he was all the things you describe. Also, someone more mature seems to come with less drama and less emotional baggage.
In the end it wasn’t meant to be and I have reconciled that with the fact we are at completely different points in our lives. My DC are young, whilst his are adults. It would be too tumultuous and I can see that now.

Thank you, really helpful replies and definitely food for thought!

Dating without worrying about the long-term hadn't occurred to me, so that's an interesting idea. I do wonder if there's a risk of him getting hurt in that situation, if I suddenly decided in the future that he was "too old"! Or I worry about the hobby becoming awkward whenever the dating ended! But maybe I'm overthinking it.

I also totally recognise the description of less drama and emotional baggage from a more mature man - that's definitely how this feels. So really interesting to hear that still wasn't enough for things to work out.

I haven't picked up red flags in his behaviour and I have noticed them in other men in the group (thanks to the many hours of counselling) so I don't think I'd be naive to falling into that trap again 🙏to be fair to him for all I know he may just be being friendly and might not even be interested in anything more! But it's helpful to have the reminder to be cautious

I don’t think theres any harm in dating but honestly you came out of a bad marriage, you are probably still quite vulnerable so just be cautious. I would say age gap’s become more pronounced as you get older. You may be in your prime and wanting to do stuff and he may just get to the point where he’s tired and prefers to be at home. You could also spend years caring for someone.

Not really the greatest writer here but to tell you my similar history...
Abusive relationship until age of 30. Met husband at 31 (he was 15 years older than me).
The cracks started to appear as I was approaching 39. I really wanted to make it work because he was (and still is) a lovely guy but ultimately the age difference does tell.
Sought counselling on my own and still couldn't make it work. Ultimately I'd fallen out of love because I'd sought "a safe pair of hands" (for want of a better description).
With your saying you don't feel ready for a relationship I just wonder if this could apply to you?

Thank you for sharing your story and it's a really interesting point you raise about "a safe pair of hands". It's perfectly possible that my attraction is being driven by the appeal of somebody actually being kind and interested, and from me feeling safe. Because I've not had that before.

When I say I don't think I'm ready for a relationship, it's because I don't fully trust myself yet to know how to handle situations that may come up in relationships. I still sometimes get triggered by conversations or situations that are similar to the past and I worry that I might then either under or over react. So thought it may be best to just stay single while I'm still working through this stuff

There 14 years between me and DH, we’ve been together 27 years. It honestly doesn’t enter my head most of the time. Just occasionally he will hear a song or something and he will ask if I remember when it was number one and I will have been 2 or something!
Always makes me laugh that he left school before I started!
We met when I was 23.

Oh by the way, there was 21 years between my husband’s parents. They met when she was 25 and he was 46.
They had 8 children!

I think relationships at a population level would probably be better if we used a ‘they’re perfect right now’ system and whilst you could stay with one person forever if it was still making you both happy, it would be totally normal to up and leave once one of you at least is unhappy.
I don’t really get it when eg two people have a wonderful time together for ten years, then they mutually decide to break up, then it’s described as ‘wasted ten years.’ How were they wasted? Is it only not wasted if you die on the same day holding hands?

@sagebloom - it's one thing when someone gets together with a 17yo-er man in their 20s, and has a long life with them, while both are healthy, young and full of energy. Have kids together, etc. Then - when such couple gets to the age when, say a woman is in her 50s and the man is closer to 70 - if sex dwindles and the woman becomes more of a caretaker, she probably does not mind as much as they'd had a whole life together.
But in your case - you would not have had the good years together with anyone much older. You'll have a few years watching him slow down dramatically - most men do start as they approach 60. They become grumpier, tired, etc. Sex drive and stamina changes, etc.

I think you do not quite realise what you potentially getting yourself into. And I also think - given your history - you are possibly sort of falling for the first man who shows you kindness, which is not great.

Finally - I am in my early 50s, and so are a lot of my divorced friends who date. And men in their 70s seem ancient to us - none of us would want to be with one. We are in different life phases - our life is still active, kids are still in schools, etc. While men in their late 60s-70s are in retirement.

We travel, go out, go dancing, have great sex (often with younger men) - while I am not sure what men in their 70s do.

I'm the same age as you and very recently ended a relationship with a man also 56yrs (we met at ages 36 & 53).

Honestly it wasn't worth it and I regret getting involved with him. I've always been an "older soul" and we had quite a few things in common, enjoyed each other's company and I even fell in love with him. However, he treated me like a child, was verbally abusive, put me down a lot, was a really jealous person, selfish and treated me badly. I also started worrying about our future this year, as when I'm his age he'll be 73, even the fact when I'm 43 he'll be 60 made me have a rethink. Our sex life already started changing/declining, he became grumpier etc . Overall his horrible treatment towards me caused me to end it.

Obviously not all men are the same but huge age gaps often don't last for a reason. We're different generations

I wouldn't. He's too old.

When you're 45 he'll he be over 60.

When youre 50 he'll be pushing 70. When you're 60, which is still young, he ll be pushing 80.

You don't want to end up somebody's nurse maid.

You're still only in your thirties. Plenty of time to find someone right for you.

At the ages your at now the gap doesn't seem to big but that gap will start to feel bigger and bigger the older he gets.

I'm you, 20 years on. Met him at 41 (he was 58). He was still working in the same job I'm in (different department) so we had a lot in common. It was good for the first few years but then his age started to show. He retired early and to begin with, had hobbies that kept him busy and active. BUT our lifestyle differences starting becoming much more obvious, particularly as he moved into proper old age. I went off him sexually, not because of the physical changes, but mentally because he became so needy and clingy.

We aren't really a couple now. Just friends. To be quite honest, I regret the relationship for both of us. If we hadn't got together, we would both have possibly met someone nearer to our own stage of life. Certainly he's held me back career wise. He's also very lonely now because I'm still fully working and have very little down time.

The age difference is too big @sagebloom. Take it from one who has been there.

I'm 39 and my DH is 56. We've been together for 4 years and married for 3 with a 3yo DS. I've never been happier or content. Though I get the negative points people make about age gap relationships, age is a number. If two people are right for eachother then it works. With your past, just take things slowly and at the first sign of any red flag behaviour, end it. Not all older men are abusive and looking for a carer😂 I hope you work it out and wish you happiness however it pans out😊

Your DH isn't elderly yet though. He's young-ish and presumably still active and working.

When he's 75 and you're only 58 he will be elderly and you'll still only be the the age he is now.

I do genuinely wish you well. But I've been where you are and know you're in the good bit. It becomes less good and a lot harder. My DP was the love of my life. But I made a mistake staying.

Do you both have children?

Wow, thank you all so much - reading through all your replies and different experiences is so helpful and really giving me a lot to think about.

I'm not in a rush to do anything, and given all the valid points about the challenges age gaps can bring, plus the valid points that maybe I'm just falling for the first person to show me kindness... maybe for now I need to keep focussing on myself and allowing this to just be a friendship.

It'd be interesting to see how I feel about the age gap in a few months time and whether my views have changed even by then. When I think ahead now, 44 and 61 does sound larger gap than 39 and 56. And 64 to 81 sounds even worse.

I think my only nervousness is that I wouldn't want to miss an opportunity with the right person on the grounds of age alone, when someone younger might be less well suited for other reasons. The post about 10 years together and then splitting wouldn't be wasted if you both enjoyed those 10 years does make sense... I guess that comes back to the other comments about as long as it's clear and honest up front there's no harm in dating casually with no intention of it being a forever relationship

And to answer pp, we do both have children - his are in their 20s, mine are in their teens

Age is just a number. Compatability is what counts. Nowadays people are healthy and active until we'll into their seventies and eighties.
The actress Joan Collins who is 91 has been married to her husband for 23 years. He is 56. When they first got married she was asked about the age difference. Her tongue in cheek answer was'If he dies ,he dies!'
My point is we don't know what tomorrow will bring. Enjoy life for what it is.

People who say ‘age is just a number’ are naive, and most likely still young.
Yes - at that time, and for a large part of our adulthood - age is indeed just a number.
And a 30yo can easily have a great time with a 50yo man, for a while that is.
But there comes a time when age catches up.

And I do think - that time comes approximately after men turn 60, irrespective how ‘active’ they are. They move into more of ‘retired’ life-phase and mind-frame.

@sagebloom - personally, I think you can date him causally now, without letting it go too far. BUT I don’t think it’s fair to offer him a relationship with a 10 years expiration date.
For you - you’ll only be 49 then - and can still find a long term partner that will be with you as you age.
For him - he’ll be 66. Not a great proposition to become alone and date again.

If he is looking for a relationship - he’d probably want/need to find something that has a potential to be long term for him.

You and him are not compatible on what you need.

And, also - I agree with whoever said - I think you are not done healing. And it’s very possible you are just reacting to someone being nice to you - you want to be loved and secure and happy. it is a natural desire.
Just don’t fall for the first man who seems nice and kind to you, because you want a happy relationship so bad.

I wouldn't.
I'm 49 and the thought of a 66 year old man is just ick to me.
So just be aware that your feelings may change as you get older if it became long term.

I’m dating a man with a 14 year age difference- he’s wonderful and adores me. I’m 46 to his nearly 60. He’s active and our sex life is brilliant. Recently I’ve been thinking of the future and we’ve had some very frank and open discussions. I’m thinking about how he intends to fund himself in retirement, when I can retire (I have a potential 19 years left of work) and looking at options where I can retire early. It needs some planning and careful thought. It’s not a deal breaker for me if we plan to have a good retirement together. I’m very aware that he’s older and could die earlier than me and I need to think how I feel about that. Although he could die tomorrow so could I. Enjoy it but go into it with eyes wide open.

Will start by saying I absolutely adore my husband and don’t regret marrying him for a second… BUT there is 23 years between us and yes there are challenges he’s considering his retirement whilst I’m at the peak of my career. Our children have moved out/at uni and whilst he’s happy to sit in each evening I do now realise a lot of my socialising is done with friends. There are alot of plus sides His maturity means he’s a lot more level headed, absolutely adores me and we live a lovely life. I know chances are I will one day be his career but I don’t for a second resent this as he’s provided so generously through our marriage both emotionally and physically.