Partner, new woman best friend

[Jellyheadbang]

Hi all. So my partner of almost 4 years together has got close to a new woman friend.

he has lots of women friends. I’ve never been jealous of them , but this one doesn’t sit right with me.

They work in a similar industry , but met socially. not as colleagues.
I'm indirectly linked to them too, particularly her and we will likely have work related interactions in future

he was not particularly forthcoming about the ins and outs of their first meeting and how they became friends.
it was a year ago but it’s only very recently that the level of their involvement with each other has come to light and how much they communicate without my knowledge

They were both away at a social event where he was working his second job, she was an attendee .
I started seeing her name pop up on his phone, he downplayed it but at the time I didn’t realise it was downplayed.
I was invited but couldn’t make it due to poor health.

Later on after she’s pursued a friendship with me , she told me they spent all the time together and that he really took her under his wing and was really caring and kind.

he had ignored me over that period, saying there’d been crossed wires and that he didn’t know I was expecting him back on a certain day or expecting to hear from him.

i have never had a doubt in my mind about his fidelity and even now I don’t think he’s ‘done’ anything with her but things she has said make me believe she would if he was up for it.

She’s not in a happy relationship and she’s made it clear she finds him attractive

Her and my partner are now collaborating on something together, he never told me.
she has no need to be directly involved , I think she’s using his name to get more coverage for herself and he’s possibly using her because she will throw money at publicitiy.
theres no other reason for her name to be all over it, it’s not her job and nothing within it is her job .

I found out via social media and she keeps dropping it into conversation in shared groups we’re in but neither of them have told me directly. We had had a huge row when this was announced online so at the time me and him weren’t communicating but we had been close in the build up to the announcement

they have a connection which I don’t feel we have at the moment.
we have not been getting on and it feels like they are getting closer, it is supposedly platonic from his side but he is clearly lapping up the attention.

she is pure drama and main character energy and she hugely admires him and posts him everywhere, resharing all his work and bigging him up and he’s happy to accept it and I feel so small and inconsequential.
i can’t compete and won’t because it’s not my style

Most of my friends have become close with her too as she’s now become part of our scene due to his presence and including her with everything , it’s made me come off social media because I feel like the third wheel. I’m feeling like the outsider and I don’t like it one bit.

I truly love my partner, and never ever had a scrap of doubt in my mind about him. But this woman a) is trying to be my friend and b) wants to be liked by everyone, she’s hugely popular and is out at all functions, meet ups etc, I’m often busy due to the kids and other commitments and when I have attended they have left me out of conversations, gone off to do other activities and left me alone etc.

she has lots of couple friends and has been in scenarios where the woman partner has flipped out because of her involvement and she always comes across as the innocent person and the other women being jealous exes.

she is a loudmouth and part of the reason I don’t feel comfortable or safe in a clear boundaries confrontation is because she will likely blow it up into a public thing and get people onside and I will look like a jealous possessive woman .

I have seen this happen first hand with her and other women. She has pursued all the men in this line of work and one friend’s husband told her to back off when she started pursuing a close friendship with him but my partner has played right into her hands, I think because she is giving him so much airspace.

It’s like she gets a kick out of being besties with other peoples husbands.

he maintains it’s me he loves, I’ve got the wrong end of the stick, they’re just mates etc but ifeel it’s driving a huge wedge between us.

i can’t give an ultimatum, there are too many close connections and the way our relationship is currently I think he’d go behind my back anyway, he’s clearly prioritised her over me several times and it’s not until recently that she’s started to ‘bait’ me by constantly dropping into conversations things my dp has told her before telling me, social plans they’ve made

I don’t know how to process this or how to move on.

Interesting. I have wondered many times if he’s a narcissist then talked myself out of it, maybe covert narcissist is closer to the truth.
he comes from a very matriarchal family, women are an important part of his life and despite having many men friends, he has a lot of close women friends, all of whom adore him and most of them have a sort of fond, nurturing approach to him.
no I don’t like being like this, it’s anxiety provoking and takes me back to being a teenager. When we got together I was confident. I’ve been constantly feeling old and unattractive whereas I’ve always been pretty happy with the way I look, he never says anything directly but lately he’s been subtly letting me know that I could do better, that he notices my imperfections but loves me anyway when I’ve never once expressed any concerns about my ‘imperfections’. It’s not necessary to point them out, even if (supposedly) done in a loving way .
he says ‘ i didn’t mean it like that’ and my friends say he’s just being clumsy and doesn’t mean it ‘he adores you, everyone can see that’

There is a lot of social pressure in your description of what is going on. I see that it will be hard to disentangle yourself. But start caring less for whether other people think ir say “he adores you.” Its not relevant as they don’t know the real him.

This is very true. I don’t know myself who the real him is anymore, I genuinely don’t have a clue.
i don’t know if I’m the only person to have experienced this side of him or if this is something he’s always done.

I find it hard to believe that he’s got a track record of being entitled and narcissistic, considering how closely linked all our circles are .
I’ve never heard anything but good things about him, including exes who I’m friends with, not best friends but friends enough , two separate exes assured me ‘he’s one of the good ones’ and I did take that at face value as well as the many seemingly green flags I experienced

@Jellyheadbang I have an ex like this. He totally broke me (another woman, always another woman) and he has exes that would say he is salt of the earth but I think they are still trauma bonded in a way because the more I think back to his actions, reactions to my actions etc the more I realise he is a narcissist. Naturally I am the crazy ex and he is 'friends' with all the others. It is mainly because I was the one that figured him out rather than actually being crazy, he just likes to tell ppl that so they believe he did no wrong when in fact he engineered everything that was wrong with our relationship.

Thank you for sharing. I do feel crazy at the moment , it’s been an horrible experience all round, despite all the good things I wish I’d never got with him now, it’s been torturous

He is not meeting your needs and he is making you feel quite frankly shit about yourself. You do not need this long term so I personally think you need to take back control, sit him down and tell him it is just not working out and wave goodbye to this one. You will meet someone far better than he and that is what you deserve.

It doesn't matter how he was with others though OP. How he is with you is what matters. Maybe his exes have low standards, maybe they are still infatuated with him, maybe they like basking in the ex-girlfriend status, who knows. It's all part of the aura he's created around himself.

I thought of him as a bit of fun, and that was the plan, then he bowled me over and kept bowling me over, he was so loving, so endearing and so passionate and really proud of me.

it made me feel like I’d come home, it’s bizarre now looking back, especially in light of how callous he can be now.

I don’t know if it was love bombing or future faking but he did all the chasing, all the romancing etc and I was very cautious for a few months, and saw it as a fling, he actually did win me over.

So what you do now is you casually say to him, 'I'm not really into this relationship with you any longer. As you know, I wasn't really up for anything serious, but it was great for a while. Sadly, it doesn't feel it any more - but all the best for the future, mate'

And you ignore any further attempts to contact you from him. You don't live together. Be casual if you see him out socially and tell everyone, 'Oh it just ran its course and I broke things off.'

You don't owe him, her or your crappy friends anything. You owe it to yourself to get out of this ridiculously stressful threesome though.

Thanks this sounds good. I don’t know how to deal with her either. I have just not responded to her recently but we’re going to bump into each other sooner rather than later, she is confrontational, I’m not at all
he knows something is up as his responses to me are very guarded at the moment, he can no doubt sense me retreating.
from everything I’ve started to see in him I don’t think he will fight for ‘us’ at all despite saying he doesn’t want to lose me I know he will not want to compromise anything in his life, particularly how he conducts himself around this new woman and any new women friends who crop up.
as I’ve said before I’m not going to ask him to stop seeing her . If he cared about me he would never have allowed this friendship to develop in the way it has

From everything I’ve started to see in him I don’t think he will fight for ‘us’ at all despite saying he doesn’t want to lose me I know he will not want to compromise anything in his life, particularly how he conducts himself around this new woman and any new women friends who crop up.

Don't give him the chance, OP. Don't hang around any longer waiting for him to fight to your relationship. He isn't going to, and you are just drowning in hopes, fears and 'what ifs'. Take the choice away from him, make the decision and cut him loose. Don't listen to excuses, promises or vague intentions for the future. Tell him firmly that you've decided it's over for you and stick to it. Who gives a shit what he wants or what he might or might not do? It has all been about his choices so far and he had multiple chances to 'fight' for you and blew every single one of them. It is too late now. Don't justify, don't give him any reasons - just say it is no longer working for you.

As for the woman - she doesn't get a voice in your romantic life. If you've decided to break up with your partner, then that is your choice, your decision and absolutely nothing to do with her. She's utterly irrelevant. If she is confrontational with you then you look surprised and say, 'None of this is anything to do with you, Jackie. My relationship with John and my decisions for ending things are personal and I'm not prepared to have to justify myself to anyone, particularly when it is nothing to do with you. I'm not sure why you feel you have the right to an opinion, quite frankly'.

And walk away.

This in abundance.

And that should also go for all of your other friends who are connected with you, him and her.

Yes I need to do this. I am just a bit ‘eek’ at how to handle her, not to do with him but inasmuch as she has been making overtures to me since they met and has worked hard at getting me inside and treated me like her friend whilst building all this up with him behind my back.

i feel weird about just binning her off with no reason but at the same time don’t want to be painted as a green eyed monster. I will have to still see her , even in work circles if nothing else. I need to be professional and distant without burning loads of bridges.

if I’m honest with her I know from observation that she will blow this up and I don’t want to be remembered as the woman who couldn’t handle her partner having women friends.
he has loads of women friends but not like this.
i don’t know how to deal with it and have maximum damage limitation, she is not discreet and she is vindictive, holds court with so many people, has her finger in so many pies and is skilled at making herself universally heard and expert at gaining sympathy. I can’t believe i fell for either of their bullshit tbh.

i almost feel it will be easier to end things with him than her, especially as he seems to be playing me in order to test my boundaries to their absolute limit, he would likely be more shocked if I stayed around at this point.
she will absolutely thrive on the drama if I do anything that suggests she’s pissed me off as I extricate myself from her

Stop already with the catastrophizing. She is not that interested in you and will drop you like a hot potato when she can no longer get to bim through you.

Practice your inner decision before you go out into society. Think over and over to yourself the dismissive little speech you will have made to him ( the one upthread is Gold!).

When you see her if she refers to the breakup just repeat “it ran its course. Fun but he’s not a keeper.” If she starts saying things like “I hope it wasn’t my fault” or “ so you couldn’t handle his having female friends” just smile quietly to yourself, shrug, and say “honestly is that what he’s saying? How silly.” Then start another topic of conversation. In reality, to the extent your little world loves gossip, this will be a nine day’s wonder. Wait it out and a two headed goat will be born or someone else will have their turn in the barrel. Just grey rock everyone. Stop being their narcissistic supply.

I just know what she’s like and I can’t deal. She will always be looking for someone to have drama with

You’re tying yourself in knots over ‘what might people think?’
you can’t live your life like that!

have you heard the saying ‘what other people think of you is none of your business’? It really doesn’t matter and accepting that sets you free!

This is why when you end it with him you say nothing about her you just say it’s not working for you and you are no longer in love with him.
anyone asks and you tell them the same .

You don’t need to handle her, just be polite but take a step back, that’s natural in a break up anyway.

Dint mention her in anyway when you break things off with him, she won’t be interested in you anyway when you are out of her way.

I really think you are overthinking it.

Can you arrange to go on holiday and take a break somewhere away from these people after you end it with him ?

I am an overthinker when something like this happens. I think it’s because I feel my hands are tied in terms of confronting the issue head on, but also really I know that deep down the way he’s treated me is heinous and I’ll never get any closure from it even if I do name the behaviour it will get twisted against me
i don’t like ending it without clear closure but I realise that I have to accept no closure if I want to move on with minimal drama .
i just want a tidy break and no weirdness from her.
id love to go on holiday but sadly finances won’t allow that

Okay I understand now, and you’re definitely not overthinking it. You have to look at all angels as she’s so entwined in your field of work.

In the cold light of day, you need to look after number one (they most certainly are), and that means saying whatever works to extract yourself from this relationship with as much damage limitation as possible.

It might not sit easily with you, but you CAN basically fake anything to get yourself out of this. Who cares whatever the lie is, they don’t care about you.

The most important factor in this is you and your future.

This is what I've learnt about closure through my own painful experience. I wasn't getting the closure I needed from someone who had messed me around and it had boggled my mind because they withdrew from me and I was spiralling.

1. No closure is a type of closure. You can choose to walk away without a clear closure, and that in itself is 'The closure'

1. You cannot control what type of closure you get from someone because you cannot control their actions. They may not give you the closure you need and want. It could all go horriblly wrong and you may feel 100 times worse afterwards. Even if the closure went really well, there's no guarantee you would feel any happier, because in a way if the closure went amazingly well, it would feel harder to walk away.

1. I could make my own closure without handing the responsibility to anyone else for my need for closure.

1. We don't always get closure in life, and that's fine. Just like if you didn't get anything else in life that you really wanted or needed, you would accept and move on.

You can make your own closure. Whatever that looks like. You could send a quick message and say it's not working anymore, this relationship isn't making me happy. and then refuse to engage further, and take back your power.

Thank you for understanding exactly my point.

I’m sure it’s easier for some than others but I can’t act completely blase about binning her off when she’s going to be around for ever. I’m a professional regardless of how she plays things and it’s a small world where everyone knows and gossips about each others business.

if I say or do the wrong thing it could close all sorts of doors for me and generally impact my reputation, even if it is petty in the scheme of things.

so I just need a way to massively pull back on our friendship without acting like a wounded party or victim but also without apportioning blame to anyone else and without unintentionally igniting anything and making it ok to be in the same spaces without being my usual warm , friendly and supportive self with her.

it is much more straightforward just ending the relationship without being him, even though I don’t want to, he’s broken my heart and broken me over a period of time, I know I have been complicit in that but it has happened by stealth over years and the stuff with her has only really recently come to light so it is very fresh and raw.

Thank you yes I need to accept this in terms of ending the relationship without being him. If he hasn’t been able to give me what I need in the relationship he’s certainly not going to come up with the goods at the end

Instead of breaking it off can you literally do a slow fade?
Basically stay in the relationship ostensibly but grey rock him. Always a headache so no sex, half ghosting him in terms of contact.
More or less, consider yourself broken up but just keep up an act.

That way he'll be justified in breaking it off himself in a while, while blaming you for being a crap girlfriend but with no specifics just that you weren't putting in the effort.

@Jellyheadbang how are things at the moment? are you seeing each other? sounds like from one of your posts that he has already withdrawn from you. He has already began the process of devaluation. This is part of the love bombing cycle.