Partner, new woman best friend

[Jellyheadbang]

Hi all. So my partner of almost 4 years together has got close to a new woman friend.

he has lots of women friends. I’ve never been jealous of them , but this one doesn’t sit right with me.

They work in a similar industry , but met socially. not as colleagues.
I'm indirectly linked to them too, particularly her and we will likely have work related interactions in future

he was not particularly forthcoming about the ins and outs of their first meeting and how they became friends.
it was a year ago but it’s only very recently that the level of their involvement with each other has come to light and how much they communicate without my knowledge

They were both away at a social event where he was working his second job, she was an attendee .
I started seeing her name pop up on his phone, he downplayed it but at the time I didn’t realise it was downplayed.
I was invited but couldn’t make it due to poor health.

Later on after she’s pursued a friendship with me , she told me they spent all the time together and that he really took her under his wing and was really caring and kind.

he had ignored me over that period, saying there’d been crossed wires and that he didn’t know I was expecting him back on a certain day or expecting to hear from him.

i have never had a doubt in my mind about his fidelity and even now I don’t think he’s ‘done’ anything with her but things she has said make me believe she would if he was up for it.

She’s not in a happy relationship and she’s made it clear she finds him attractive

Her and my partner are now collaborating on something together, he never told me.
she has no need to be directly involved , I think she’s using his name to get more coverage for herself and he’s possibly using her because she will throw money at publicitiy.
theres no other reason for her name to be all over it, it’s not her job and nothing within it is her job .

I found out via social media and she keeps dropping it into conversation in shared groups we’re in but neither of them have told me directly. We had had a huge row when this was announced online so at the time me and him weren’t communicating but we had been close in the build up to the announcement

they have a connection which I don’t feel we have at the moment.
we have not been getting on and it feels like they are getting closer, it is supposedly platonic from his side but he is clearly lapping up the attention.

she is pure drama and main character energy and she hugely admires him and posts him everywhere, resharing all his work and bigging him up and he’s happy to accept it and I feel so small and inconsequential.
i can’t compete and won’t because it’s not my style

Most of my friends have become close with her too as she’s now become part of our scene due to his presence and including her with everything , it’s made me come off social media because I feel like the third wheel. I’m feeling like the outsider and I don’t like it one bit.

I truly love my partner, and never ever had a scrap of doubt in my mind about him. But this woman a) is trying to be my friend and b) wants to be liked by everyone, she’s hugely popular and is out at all functions, meet ups etc, I’m often busy due to the kids and other commitments and when I have attended they have left me out of conversations, gone off to do other activities and left me alone etc.

she has lots of couple friends and has been in scenarios where the woman partner has flipped out because of her involvement and she always comes across as the innocent person and the other women being jealous exes.

she is a loudmouth and part of the reason I don’t feel comfortable or safe in a clear boundaries confrontation is because she will likely blow it up into a public thing and get people onside and I will look like a jealous possessive woman .

I have seen this happen first hand with her and other women. She has pursued all the men in this line of work and one friend’s husband told her to back off when she started pursuing a close friendship with him but my partner has played right into her hands, I think because she is giving him so much airspace.

It’s like she gets a kick out of being besties with other peoples husbands.

he maintains it’s me he loves, I’ve got the wrong end of the stick, they’re just mates etc but ifeel it’s driving a huge wedge between us.

i can’t give an ultimatum, there are too many close connections and the way our relationship is currently I think he’d go behind my back anyway, he’s clearly prioritised her over me several times and it’s not until recently that she’s started to ‘bait’ me by constantly dropping into conversations things my dp has told her before telling me, social plans they’ve made

I don’t know how to process this or how to move on.

This - and sadly they’re probably bonding over gaslighting you.

I agree, time to drop the rope.

This woman sounds very useful to him.

Maybe he's just a user, no doubt his ex wife and children know this very well.

Make your decisions on his actions OP, not his words. Words are easy, but don't fall for them because they're what you want to hear. Actions speak louder and that's why you're confused, because your gut knows the truth and is reacting to his actons. Your heart is being manipulated by his words.

Thank you, I asked him how he would feel about it if the boot were on the other foot and he said it would be fine and he’s not jealous so it wouldn’t worry him.
im not sure I believe him quite honestly given discussions we’ve had about other people’s relationships and things we’ve watched on the telly like the Ashley Maddison scandal , he was very much the same as me, if you want to have more than one partner then choose poly or if you just want sex with someone else then end the monogamous relationship you’re already in.
every one needs to be in on it, not just the cheating parties . Well this is what he said anyway.
Ive never said to him as such that she’s antagonising me, its been so weird between me and him and me and her, I kind of don’t know how to frame it as I’m only sort of processing it now at what I believe is probably the latter days of my relationship, it’s almost like I’m shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted if I bring up now that I feel she’s needling me about him.
I sometimes say she told me you’re planning this thing or you were chatting about such and such and he never really answers or is non committal and because of his other evasions and omissions I feel uncomfortable labouring the point

No I wouldn’t be happy with them staying in anything other than a surface friendship but I would never put myself in the position of making someone choose me or her and I wouldn’t be comfortable dictating the terms of his friendship me and I shouldn’t have to. I think that kind of answers my dilemma because I wouldn’t try that and I could only see that sort of request driving him to be more underhanded and evasive than he is already.
he does that very manipulative thing of ‘ I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d react like this’ and then I’d have to say I’m only reacting like this because you’ve hidden something from me again and I’ve found out after the fact and it just becomes a circular conversation.
i can’t believe I’m the only woman who’s been through this bull with him

Sorry I didn't mean it like for him to have a poly relationship with this woman.

I completely get where you're coming from, you shouldn't have to give an ultimatum or ask him to choose...he should be putting you first.

Im sorry you are going through such an awful time. You are not being unreasonable at all.
What do you think you will do?

Thank you, yes i know what you meant, i mean i thought we were both on the same page in terms of fidelity .

i think i really just have to extricate myself from them both but with minimal fanfare. I have started to be more guarded with him and I have been very shut down with her but I have been using illness as an excuse rather than be upfront and honest because I can’t deal with the confrontation or conflict,

she is volatile and drags everyone into her shit and does these bold dramatic social media posts
I think the dynamic between the three of us has been very visible before I backed off so if she starts making posts about jealous women (she has done similar before) it could look pretty obvious it’s aimed at me , plus she has everyone’s ear and he has everyone else’s ear and they have close mutual friends with each other too.

so I think it’s easier if I don’t list her as my last straw with him.
i feel scared to end it because I was alone a long time before him and find it very difficult to find someone on my wavelength.
he has made so many promises to change and not let me down and he keeps showing glimmers of change then just as I start breathing again something new comes and slaps me in the face so I have been living on hope and crushed hope for quite a long time now so common sense says end it but it is not that easy when I think I am trauma bonded because of his inconsistency.

i have just started therapy so I am hoping that will help me emotionally distance myself from him a bit more because this thing is wringing me dry

I really really do understand. I was with someone who gaslighted me for year and because of trauma, I just caused minimal fuss as I absolutely hate confrontation. From my experience it shows them you don't have self worth and they can get away with things, which totally sucks.

Look at attachment theory. There is also a book called Let them which is apparently amazing.

It is better to be alone than with someone who doesn't respect you.

What I found hard with my ex was they would be good and stop being disrespectful for some time, then would be awful, then when they had gaslighted me into submission, would buck up again and it becomes a vicious cycle.

Please start hiding money away or have a rainy day fund that you only have access to. Just incase....not telling you to be secretive but have some things up your sleeve to make sure you're ok.

Here is you ever want to chat xx

So sorry this is happening to you.

This is exactly why I'm sceptical of men who have lots of women friends.

Some simply enjoy having a stable of women rotating around them, lapping up the attention, planting little seeds in case he wants to jump into a relationship with one of them one day. It's hard because some liberal and creative types are like this, and they try to claim their female friendships are all part of their progressive, left wing liberal ways....whereas actually they're just like any other average Joe who enjoys female attention.

I saw or read something somewhere on the emotional toll this takes on people. Your body lives in anxiety most of the time because it's on high alert, because emotionally, you don't feel safe.

I think it's a responsibility of partner to actively be mindful of how they can make their partners feel emotionally safe, and not just expect them to trust them, no matter what they do or who they choose to spend their time with.

It's not nice risking being seen by other people or your friend group as 'the jealous one', but for your own wellbeing, I think you need to openly say that you're not a 'cool girl'.

He has the right to be friends with who he wants.....but you ALSO have the right to not be in a relationship that makes you unhappy. If other women are willing to tolerate bullshit, that's on them, and I'm afraid they will learn hard lessons one day.

Thank you that is so kind. I have heard of this book Let Them. I’m currently listening to The Body Keeps The Score which is about trauma but it is quite heavy at times , which of course it is given the subject matter!
I do have a lot of trauma and PTSD, a recent situation occurred where I really needed support and he was nowhere to be seen and of course she revealed that they had been online chatting to each other during my period of distress, this is partly why I’ve been unable to address her with him because I’ve had other ‘stuff’ going on which kind of overrides them but makes me feel like I am not strong enough to let him go right now because once he’s gone there’s nobody else in my corner.

I’m not naturally secretive but he clearly is and I have stopped sharing as much with him and meeting his energy with matching energy and I can tell he is unsettled by it.
I have found it hard because I’m naturally warm and natural open.
thank you for your kind words and for your support and understanding. I hope you’re in a better place now x

Amazing, thank you for seeing this for what it is.
I have been in a fair few relationships with creative types, liberal and progressive, switched on etc and absolutely as you say, scratch the surface of all of them and they are just blokey underneath it all.
i hate the facade and subterfuge and the fact that I am susceptible to it.
when I talk to him about feeing safe he looks at me blankly, I can’t work out if it’s coldness and cruelty or if it’s just something he hasn’t ever had the capacity to give.
im annoyed that I’ve been taken in by a facade, I hate the feeling I’ve been sharing my bed with someone who now feels like a slippery opportunist.

if you can remember what it was you read I’d be interested to read it , I can’t believe how much it’s taken out of me, much more than I ever intended to give

It sounds exhausting.
You do not need evidence or a reason to leave beyond being unhappy in the relationship. He will never empathise with you or understand how you feel, don't waste your energy trying to make him.
He doesn't have good boundaries, she's psycho, they are both gaslighting you. She sees it as a game, he doesn't care and is just enjoying the attention. He's not showing you any respect or stepping up and being a good partner.
I think it is the right decision to step away from the whole lot of them. If I were you I would just block them all and disappear if you can or if not grey rock your way into the sunset

I find it really hard to comprehend that someone who professes to love me and wants to spend the rest of their life with me can be so cavalier at the same time, disrespectful , cold and sneaky. I feel so distressed by that.
i do agree with everything you have written. I feel like all this game stuff is way beyond my capacity and I hate this kind of cat and mouse vibe we’ve moved into.
and I don’t know who is the cat or who is the mouse , him sneaking around and me trying to get him to give me clarity. I feel like I bit off more than I could chew. And then I worry that I’m too needy and demanding.
hes like a slippery fish

he massively misrepresents himself generally and certainly at the beginning of our relationship and it has really destabilised me.

Disappearing completely is virtually impossible due to all our connections

Aren’t they just? The way you described him in the beginning, to the way you’re describing him now is worlds apart.

He sounds like the most insecure, narcissistic, attention seeking twat I’ve read about for a while. And she sounds similar.

Walk away with your head held high and let them go live a toxic shitstorm together.

Yeah I'm from a creative background myself, and I know what some industries can be quite female dominated, which means men in them have a lot of female colleagues. Everyone is supposed to be cool, lofty, and beyond acknowledging sex, which is ripe for exploitation by any man who wants to capitalise on that.

I don't think it was exactly this reel, but it was something related to this post -

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DH8wGOPLqn/?igsh=MWp1b3BnZmlqeHB6eA==

The algorithm might feed you similar content if you click on it, but be careful before you like or comment on it - that new Instagram reels feature that shows you what your friends are liking has certainly revealed some interesting things about some of the men on my friends list.

You shouldn't have to work o feel safe or convince yourself that your partner is committed to you. It should be a given.

Keep in mind that an awful lot of men leave their relationships not by leaving their partner (which would mean they'd actually have to have a dry spell sexual for a while, give up on home comforts or your emotional labour). Instead, when the time is right, they monkey-branch their way from one woman to another. In your shoes, I would be concerned that if he's not cheating now, he's waiting for her to finish with her partner before making a move.

It's hard to comprehend the way some people act because we are not like them. We are not game players. They do not understand things from our point of view and think we are playing the game.
Look at his actions not his words. Think about how the relationship makes you feel, that's the important thing, how you feel is not debatable. Your feelings are a reasonable response to an unreasonable situation. (I stole that from somewhere, can't remember where!)

Are the connections you have that important to you?

That is so awful. I completely understand that trauma makes us act and respond in unhealthy ways. I have PTSD and it just fuels the trauma, especially when I am triggered.

I understand that you don't want to be alone, it really is a big step that is completely daunting. If he isn't there for you physically, it's just a body that's there to fill the space....does that make sense.

A great tip I've learnt is to do something for yourself that each week or fortnightly. Set something in your phone calendar withan alarm. Go shopping, go to a coffee shop and read a book, get your nails done, join a new group or something, but do it for you. Build yourself up by enjoying your company, making yourself feel good etc. it sounds daunting and a bit silly but it is great for confidence and self worth. Ive managed to put myself out there on Tiktok showing my weight loss journey...which I would never have done.

You sound like such a lovely compassionate person, trying to be mindful of your partners needs, very understanding that he has female friends and you would never ask him to not be friends with her....they are amazing qualities and it could be very easy for your worry to turn bitter and jealousy (understandable with the gaslighting btw). Maybe read back some of your responses as if you aren't you and see your qualities.

Go at your pace. Just make 'just incase' provisions. Are you married by the way?

It’s interesting because he doesn’t seem this way at all.
I feel like I bring out his worst qualities and everyone else is getting the best experience of him.
i feel like without me he is a better person OR I have just seen through him.

if they got together I’m sure it would turn toxic quite soon, I have seen what she’s like with men she’s into, if he thinks I’m hard work he will get his head spin by her and so will any woman who looks at him. it would kind of be nicely karmic but I genuinely don’t think he is sexually attracted to her, although maybe he’s less particular in between partners.

I think she knows she’s not his type, hence her pushing her way in through his work and simultaneously transforming her physical appearance

The relationship used to make me feel loved and held and safe. I really thought we were growing something together.
my connections are important to me, I don’t have family (other than my kids) and I’ve worked hard to get where I am both professionally and socially .
I can build new connections and I have other groups I can move in .
I have to accept that my friends (who are also their friends) who I have shared any concerns with have dismissed my concerns, therefore they maybe aren’t the safest connections for me either .
the more I read and share here the less loved I feel.
i am sad and the situation is making me feel embarrassed and small and humiliated, especially how public their strong friendship has been and I’ve blithely supported it and my acceptance of their friendship , including her everywhere has contributed to my friends saying that I am being too sensitive and suspicious now

Not married, we don’t even live together, we had planned to but I got cold feet and I decided to wait until my kids grew up, I think he has possibly pulled back a bit because he was expecting us to move in together. he hasn’t got his own place and by his own admission, he’s never not lived with a girlfriend / wife before .
this woman has an even bigger house than mine plus no kids , deep down I’m wondering if there’s any kind of cock lodger tendencies , i don’t want to tell myself that he didn’t ever love me though. I have felt loved and adored by him, I don’t think he can have faked all of it?

Where does he live then if he hasn't got his own place ?

Does he have money ?

Or is he a creative that's not wealthy.

Yes he wanted to move in with you. That doesn’t mean none of it was real. But that’s a part if it.

He lives in a house with other people like him. He’s never really been clear about his finances, he seems to have a lot of money but nothing to show for it

Gosh OP your latest post is very revealing. A creative type who seems to have alot of
moeny but lives in a house with others and doesnt have his own place ?

OP you sound so lovely, please walk away . You don’t need to give reasons , just that it’s not working and the relationship has run its course.
Enjoy your kids and the life you’ve worked hard for. You don’t need this shit in your life.

He seemed like an open book at first but the longer we’ve been together the less I understand him or his situation . He’s the king of obfuscation ,
I feel held at arms length from so much that I used to be privy to. I don’t know if I’m being punished or if he’s emotionally avoidant or something else or if he just hates me because that’s how it feels some days then other days he’ll surprise me with a big gesture , like an expensive gift or something I’ve said I need or a weekend away in a nice hotel.

recently he was going to pay for us all to go on holiday with my kids and his adult kids and grandchildren but the vibe has been so off lately that I have turned him down.

i know it sounds crazy to turn down a ‘free’ holiday and something that appears to be a committed act but I can’t fake it for the sake of a freebie and I don’t want to put anyone else in a weird position in case anything does get awkward, so he is just going with his family.

its like I wanted to be included but this is too late. I know ive spun him out by refusing the holiday and I am not doing it to be mean but I think a holiday is an artificial scenario and maybe a bit of a sticking plaster. I absolutely do not want to take the holiday and then dump him on return home.
it would be a sweet revenge but it’s not the way I do things.