Partner, new woman best friend

[Jellyheadbang]

Hi all. So my partner of almost 4 years together has got close to a new woman friend.

he has lots of women friends. I’ve never been jealous of them , but this one doesn’t sit right with me.

They work in a similar industry , but met socially. not as colleagues.
I'm indirectly linked to them too, particularly her and we will likely have work related interactions in future

he was not particularly forthcoming about the ins and outs of their first meeting and how they became friends.
it was a year ago but it’s only very recently that the level of their involvement with each other has come to light and how much they communicate without my knowledge

They were both away at a social event where he was working his second job, she was an attendee .
I started seeing her name pop up on his phone, he downplayed it but at the time I didn’t realise it was downplayed.
I was invited but couldn’t make it due to poor health.

Later on after she’s pursued a friendship with me , she told me they spent all the time together and that he really took her under his wing and was really caring and kind.

he had ignored me over that period, saying there’d been crossed wires and that he didn’t know I was expecting him back on a certain day or expecting to hear from him.

i have never had a doubt in my mind about his fidelity and even now I don’t think he’s ‘done’ anything with her but things she has said make me believe she would if he was up for it.

She’s not in a happy relationship and she’s made it clear she finds him attractive

Her and my partner are now collaborating on something together, he never told me.
she has no need to be directly involved , I think she’s using his name to get more coverage for herself and he’s possibly using her because she will throw money at publicitiy.
theres no other reason for her name to be all over it, it’s not her job and nothing within it is her job .

I found out via social media and she keeps dropping it into conversation in shared groups we’re in but neither of them have told me directly. We had had a huge row when this was announced online so at the time me and him weren’t communicating but we had been close in the build up to the announcement

they have a connection which I don’t feel we have at the moment.
we have not been getting on and it feels like they are getting closer, it is supposedly platonic from his side but he is clearly lapping up the attention.

she is pure drama and main character energy and she hugely admires him and posts him everywhere, resharing all his work and bigging him up and he’s happy to accept it and I feel so small and inconsequential.
i can’t compete and won’t because it’s not my style

Most of my friends have become close with her too as she’s now become part of our scene due to his presence and including her with everything , it’s made me come off social media because I feel like the third wheel. I’m feeling like the outsider and I don’t like it one bit.

I truly love my partner, and never ever had a scrap of doubt in my mind about him. But this woman a) is trying to be my friend and b) wants to be liked by everyone, she’s hugely popular and is out at all functions, meet ups etc, I’m often busy due to the kids and other commitments and when I have attended they have left me out of conversations, gone off to do other activities and left me alone etc.

she has lots of couple friends and has been in scenarios where the woman partner has flipped out because of her involvement and she always comes across as the innocent person and the other women being jealous exes.

she is a loudmouth and part of the reason I don’t feel comfortable or safe in a clear boundaries confrontation is because she will likely blow it up into a public thing and get people onside and I will look like a jealous possessive woman .

I have seen this happen first hand with her and other women. She has pursued all the men in this line of work and one friend’s husband told her to back off when she started pursuing a close friendship with him but my partner has played right into her hands, I think because she is giving him so much airspace.

It’s like she gets a kick out of being besties with other peoples husbands.

he maintains it’s me he loves, I’ve got the wrong end of the stick, they’re just mates etc but ifeel it’s driving a huge wedge between us.

i can’t give an ultimatum, there are too many close connections and the way our relationship is currently I think he’d go behind my back anyway, he’s clearly prioritised her over me several times and it’s not until recently that she’s started to ‘bait’ me by constantly dropping into conversations things my dp has told her before telling me, social plans they’ve made

I don’t know how to process this or how to move on.

@Jellyheadbang you owe her nothing .
Ignore her . When you see her if she asks why you haven’t responded . I’d tell her straight “because I didn’t wish too”

He sounds a possible narcissist op.
Id tell him why it’s over that he has prioritized his “friendship “ with her for too long and it’s left your relationship a mess . you never signed up to being the other women in your own relationship
He like proof does he . I’d ask him to see his phone for proof he hasn’t over stepped with her . See how that goes with him . If he says no you have your concrete answer .

When questioned by friends keep it simple. It wasn’t working for you anymore and you he wasn’t making you happy. His ego was more important than your relationship was in the end .

OP - have I got the time-line right here ?

Your relationship is four years old, you found out about their friendship properly at the start of this year and it had been hidden from you for maybe a year before that?

So almost half of your relationship has been tarred by his sneaky behavior with another woman?

On top of that there was unequal effort with you doing all the fawning and promoting his work etc to the extent you backed off.

You have declined to move in because you felt off and you turned down a holiday because it felt off.

On top of all of that you have been through an awful time losing both of your parents in a short space of time?

Honestly big hugs to you as you must be feeling. Break it off with him, don’t mention her, just tell him it doesn’t work for you anymore and it’s not what you want. He doesn’t have to agree, you don’t have to evidence it or justify it.

If anyone else asks just tell them he’s a great guy but you just didn’t see it going anywhere.

He sounds awful, she is a catalyst for you seeing that but honestly he sounds awful on his own. He is just after attention and flattery then moves on to the next loudest cheerer as he needs adoration.

You sound so nice.
This isn’t worth your mental health.
Im sorry to say but it sounds like this is very close to the end of your relationship.

Please don’t tell him why. She’ll use it against you, and you’ll be playing straight into her hands. You know the animal all too well.

A simple this isn’t working for me is absolutely fine. Don’t go into specifics.

Let him work it out for himself. One day he’ll realise exactly what he’s lost, and he’ll realise the utter awfulness he has gained.

Being cynical, don’t be surprised if he marries her. He hasn’t got a house and at his age (although still young), he’ll be very concerned about his future security.

Thank you. I can’t imagine that he won’t work it out but I don’t think he would face up to it because of his self image as the good guy, I think he’s enjoying having her cheerleading for him and enjoying her adoration and attention but he’s also enjoying the things he gets from me, which are majorly reducing, maybe he is the type to have a platonic person in the wings

Thank you. Yes I am Al over the place, very fragile atm which is probably driving him further away. I feel like a millstone

OP, no one should feel like this in a relationship. As you don’t even live together, I would definitely have some time apart from him (and her)

Thank you. Yes I am going to have some time out as he is going on holiday. I need to have some actual distance so I can think more clearly but I think the relationship is not salvageable unless I keep burying my head in the sand

I keep asking myself what I would say to a friend in this scenario and I don’t have the answer other than ‘is he worth it?’
I keep wondering if I’m making a mountain out of a molehill?
i have definitely bought into sunk cost fallacy as well as buying into his whole persona and the perceived status I gain from being alongside him which is 100% what this woman is after too. She’s got a real thing about ‘alpha’ men. My dp comes across as having it all figured out but in reality he’s passive and emotionally immature as well as not always able to act appropriately in a crisis.
so he looks like he is the finished article but in actual fact he isn’t.
he is assertive / headstrong when it comes to getting his own way but in other areas he is weak and compliant, she has definitely taped into his compliant side but she is hugely reactive and fiery (hence another reason for my reticence in facing her about this) maybe If she becomes a bigger part of his life without me he will eventually shy away from her when he sees the reality of her unfettered as she is a piece of work and anyone connected to her emotionally will be in for a hard time.

i don’t know, i guess im projecting into the future but i suppose i don’t want to give them my blessing just yet and just want it to fall apart around their ears but currently they are each others biggest fan so i can’t see a fallout happening any time soon.

i thought maybe if he actually does get another woman after me, who isn’t her, it would be interesting how she would respond . she’s not his type and with his taste in women I just can’t see them together , it’s hard to explain, he is very focused on a certain type and she is not it, and I think that’s part of the reason both of us kind of allowed this thing to grow legs (obviously I wasn’t a fully informed participant) but I am maybe lulling myself with this.

You're not making a mountain out of a molehill, he is behaving really disrespectfully to you and showing you very little regard.

With the sunken costs thing (a wise person on here said) if you stay on the wrong train it's going to take you longer to get back to the right station.

It's good that you recognise that the status that you gain from being with him is maybe affecting your decision making.

You can go round and round in circles thinking about what ifs and analysing their behaviour but you're unlikely to get anything useful out of it, ultimately the way he treats you is the important thing here, not what happens between them.
Maybe better to refocus your attention into working out your boundaries and your future and moving forward.

Thank you. I have focused predominantly on his relationship with this woman in this thread but there are numerous other things that have happened and I’ve been ‘forgiving’ of , most of them have been isolated incidents but not all, and they definitely have a theme of an entitled man child who is probably able to get away with a lot because of his name and status but also because the people he mostly mixes with are either on a par with him or don’t see the full picture

I kind of wish he’d just ‘wake up’ and suddenly see how much he’s hurting me and I feel like he’s also humiliating me even though I’m the only one seeing it how it is.
i would love him to suddenly see the error of his ways and be truly sorry and take accountability but I know it’s highly unlikely to happen and even if it did happen I would be very surprised if it has a lasting impact on his behaviour and decision making.
I think he has been very good at this boyish charm thing he’s got going on so even when he does get caught out people are a bit ‘awww, he’s just head in the clouds’ and benevolent about him

I’d never ask to see his phone, partly because I feel that we’ve gone too far down a long road if I have to request evidence, plus it’s the worry that he would just refuse and tell me I’m nuts OR he’d let me have it and I’d see things I’d rather not see…
I would say I’m between a rock and a hard place but I know it’s within my control to change this dynamic for me, regardless of what the other two do.
it doesn’t stop me feeling hurt, and embarrassed and used and angry and wistful all at once

I really think you need to (force yourself) to recognize that the amount of importance you give this little man’s status is unhealthy. He is a grandpa age impecunious artist who is divorced, has failed at multiple relationships, and who relies on groupies to advertise his wares. He sounds a bit like Pablo Picasso but I doubt he’s that famous and successful or he’d have an agent, a gallery/studio and lots of money.

You don’t have to waste your life as a pocket mirror to this narcissist—taken out so he can preen, existing only to reflect his glory, then put back in his pocket and left there in the dark.

Come on! Your life is worth more than this.

You don't seem in a very powerful possition, you arn't married, don't live together and have no children, nothing is tied together, finances, family bonds, there are no bargaining chips or reasons for him to feel guilt.

Your relationship appears to be based on friendship with benefits and your jealousy is based on her trouncing you to become his best friend and confidant.

You are in a pick me dance, with him even unwilling to admit that he's playing you off aggainst another woman. It almost sounds like you were his ow and now a new ow is on the scene taking over that role. This would explain her unashamed front in trying to trounce you and the unsupporting cast members and friends giving you no sympathy whatsoever.

Whatever, he's obviously keeping all women at arms length not really having a full primary relationship.

Is he really worth the pain, how much status has he got, what do you actually gain from it, or if you think about it do others actually think less of you for putting up with him just to bask in his limelight.

He doesn't seem much of a prize.

You're dreaming if you think he's going to do that. He doesn't need to wake up. He knows prioritizing other woman hurts you.

You're still there.

So he knows that you'll put up with that. You may fight over it, but ultimately, he's got you where he wants you. He's not changing. He's not sorry. He probably wishes you'd just shut up about her because if you really weren't okay with her having priority in his life, you wouldn't stick around to be a pick me.

The info that he doesn't own a place and wanted to move in with you, he's looking for a comfy landing spot for himself.

Thank you all for the reality check. I know this really. I’m in a fog due to the mismatch between things he does and says and how much weight I’ve given to the good things about him / our relationship.
i am starting to see that he’s probably groomed me into accepting bare minimum standards from him.
I am not sure why I have accepted it because as I’ve got older I’ve been much more boundaried in relationships and I’ve been very attuned to red or even amber flags but for some reason he’s been able to override my instincts.
obviously I’ve allowed this and I keep getting stuck in a cycle of self blame.

He breadcrumbed you—you recognize it when its her but he did it too. He fed you just enough flattering attention to get you love struck and status infatuated and now you are craving the maintenance of the reflected glory of “having” a piece of this sexy beast.

Snap out of it. Smell the rancid odor of this pompous, preening ass. Cop to the fact that you were seduced by his flattering offer to let you publically associate yourself with him but it wasn’t a real romance. He’s not capable of it. And you need to reflect a bit on why you so easily accepted this fakery.

"am starting to see that he’s probably groomed me into accepting bare minimum standards from him."

You're a full adult. You weren't groomed. You have agency. You saw things you liked about him, his artist status and the "scene" and charm and you chose that. The little things started being less little, you had personal losses, and he's become more and more involved with other woman over a period of nearly 2 years. Now you are seeing that he's not really the man you thought he was at the beginning of your relationship. The fog is lifting. This is how many relationships end. You're both out of the honeymoon phase of your relationship and into the nitty gritty and the blinders are off. He's put another woman where you used to be. You're choosing to stick with this when you have other choices.

I think a really telling thing is your friends, who you say are their friends too, haven't been supportive when you've raised your concerns.

"He's looking for a comfy landing spot."

This sounds spot on, you mentioned op that "her house is even bigger than mine" a telling sentence.

He sounds like a man whose been threatening to have a fully invested relationship for years and he's up for grabs with whoever has the most to offer, big house, money, unlimited sex without giving out any respect.
Honestly I don't think you know what you've got youreslf into, I only hope you havn't discarded a decent man in favour of this user. He's a bad un and like a pp said, he probably has always been like this with a stable of women arround him.

This is a great post and applies to a situation I'm in now too.
@Jellyheadbang further up you mentioned the intense feeling of disappointment you felt and that you don't feel ready to let go of the relationship yet. I totally understand that as I've just ended one after 31 months but the small things that kept bothering me (and were masked by the love goggles in the first 20 months) have just built up.
Mine was a fantastic physically intense fun relationship but was definitely fed by my low self esteem after I divorced my cheating exh after a 37 year relationship.
Consequently he got away with poor behaviour that I overlooked. Very different circumstances to your situation but doesn't change that awful feeling of 'should I just call it a day' or hang on so as to avoid that sadness as something ends.

Also I agree with the previous posts about him getting women to do the 'pick me dance' around him. He's really not that great if he needs to manipulate people to feed his ego.

All your updates are making him seem worse and worse! He's a user, up his own arse (to put it bluntly), and hasn't even got his own accommodation? Why on earth is he such a prize?
He may have charm and charisma on the surface but that is not a substitute for emotional support and someone who has your back.
It's hard when you see through someone who was / is everything to you, and who everyone idolises, but there is no unseeing it in my experience. It may take a while to untangle yourself, just keep going.

He doesn’t even own his own house. Hell, he doesn’t even rent his own house 😂
Honestly, why all this talk of disentangling yourself etc? Just walk away. You’re in a very good position to just let go. No kids, shared finances. There’s nothing to disentangle from.
Let her have him. It sounds like she’s humiliating herself btw. If you can see how she’s fawning over him online then so can everyone else. It sounds so cringe. You’re not winning anything by being a part of it. She won’t even want him. She doesn’t want a single man. So much handwringing over this shared house man.

I didn’t discard anyone for him, except maybe myself, I was on my own for a long time before him.

Thank you. All true. It is cringe and on one hand I cringe at myself for being upset over all this petty bollocks . On the other hand, there was a bond there, I let myself become emotionally entangled. Much more than I meant to at the start.

I thought of him as a bit of fun, and that was the plan, then he bowled me over and kept bowling me over, he was so loving, so endearing and so passionate and really proud of me.

it made me feel like I’d come home, it’s bizarre now looking back, especially in light of how callous he can be now.

I don’t know if it was love bombing or future faking but he did all the chasing, all the romancing etc and I was very cautious for a few months, and saw it as a fling, he actually did win me over.

Of course he woed you, he mirrored you and your values, he's probably been doing this all his life, interweaving his work life and sex life together, it's the best excuse, it's his playground.

You seem to have aligned yourself with his ex wife, similar looks etc and his previous conquests, and now this current female one feels different, maybe it's her wealth and confidence. The truth is you thought you were different, you had a lot to offer, big house, the looks he seems to prefer, I'm not being mean but this is how he made you feel, special.

But you are just comparing yourself, his past loves, his present interest, even thinking about his future loves. Good men do not make you feel like this as though everthing is a competition, good love does not make you compete, you have joined his way of thinking.

I personally think men like this hate women and have something to prove, that no matter who they are, the woman can be humiliated and dehumanised.
He has stripped you of your confidence and now needs another fix, to destroy another strong female, and you can't say a dam thing about it because he is inviting you to look like a jealous, possesive nutter.

He's getting off on this and you have walked into it.
He's not a good or kind man, he's a user and deeply damaged by the sounds of it.

Covert narcissist springs to mind.