Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Blindsided by divorce papers

81 replies

ThisOliveHelper · 04/09/2025 17:45

Hi all. I wrote a post a couple of days ago about the state of my marriage. Only been married 10 months and my spouse became very verbally abusive with me after we moved in together. Started to throw things around the house and then would provoke me and get me really angry so when we'd argue he would film me deliberately and say hes plotting a divorce case against me and threaten to send the videos to my family and employers.

After months of push and pull and back and forth he today video called me and started to fill in the divorce papers ont he government website claiming he forgot the date we married. He told me he was doing what I wanted - filing divorce papers (I had previously said in argument what option do we have but to divorce but this was more in desperation of trying to get him to realise how bad things were and to try and work on it rather than a genuine request to file). Anyway the papers have now come through and hes told me he doesn't love me anymore and I need to find someone else who is willing to love me live with me and care for me and it wont be him but simultaneously blowing me kisses saying do you really want this. Ive been in tears on the video call and completely distraught. Im 35 worried about how ill have a family and children and feel totally devastated and bereft. I feel like this is the worst moment jn my life and im never going to get though it. Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:

AnnaSunshine · 06/09/2025 10:19

ThisOliveHelper · 05/09/2025 20:16

Thank you everyone who has commented. Reading your messges is really helping me at a time of complete crisis. It turns out that the papers were not genuine.

Hes been vile this morning, then told me he was handling it, then saying we are doing it jointly and then created yet another financial crisis and I reached breaking point today after months of struggling and filed the papers myself. He then told me he had filed them properly this lenjgn so can he get a refund and then called me later on saying he takes credit for taking the big step yesterday and making a final decision that we arent right for each other. I was completely confused because it is me thst has now filed in response to his behaviour and concerns around money. He then called me for a third time after id said goodbye to him and said he still wants to be friends and our hearts are connected to each other and I will be the only one for him and he the only one for me. Hearing him say that last sentence has again broken me down completely. Im juat distraught because on one hand I think of the caring wonderful beautiful kind man I fell in love with who I have got to know inside out - the man thst is familiar to me the one I love and the one I thought I was building a future with and yey the one who has been present for all these months is someone completely different and I just can't get my head around the loss of my person.

I honestly dont know how im mentally going to get through this.

You have done tremendously well. You have been vulnerable and courageous, and most importantly you have put yourself first.

What he says is really irrelevant. You have done this because you deserve to be in a relationship ship that lifts you up. And if you want to, you will be in that relationship. Just not with him.

TheBeaTgoeson1 · 06/09/2025 10:46

You don’t have to ‘run’ like people always say on these threads. You do have to leave this man. He’s no good and won’t get better. He’s abusive and manipulative. You are worth more.

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 06/09/2025 10:56

Wow. He has love bombed you and now his true colours have come out. Don't waste your time trying to understand his behaviour or wondering what you might have done wrong. It's not you. He has recognised your vulnerabilities and exploited them for his own sadistic purposes. At best he is mentally ill. At worst his a nasty piece of work who enjoys messing with your head. Luckily it's a short marriage. What are you living circumstances? Get him out of your home. I don't think I have ever heard anything so appalling. You can't believe a word he says or judge his behaviour by the standards you use for others.

Divorce and have counselling. You can't fix this hideous individual and you are not responsible for him either.

Comtesse · 06/09/2025 10:59

Noelshighflyingturds · 06/09/2025 09:43

If he doesn’t file those papers, you should. Don’t waste another minute of your life with this prick

Hear hear - he’s a complete wrong’un. Get the hell out of dodge, OP. He will be no loss.

tickingover · 06/09/2025 11:04

I’m going to guess you were not together very long before you got married? This is typical and you fell for his love bombing and now he has you with a ring he thinks you belong to him now and he can treat you how he likes which will inevitably be like shit because that will be what he thinks of women.

I’m sorry you feel the way you do but this is textbook and he was always going to do this and will probably be engaged and love bombing someone else in a couple of months and you’ll be a distant memory and the cycle with continued over and over until he manages to completely manipulate someone who won’t let go, don’t waste a moment of your life on this man because he will never be the person he pretends to be in the beginning because he can’t, it’s not real, you’re grieving a fictional character that he briefly plays to get what he wants, it’s part of the process to reel you in.
You will survive this and yo will come out stronger and one day you’ll see it all as clear as day.
Wishing you so much strength, just don’t look back and don’t let him manipulate you anymore because he can’t do it if you don’t let him.

EaglesSwim · 06/09/2025 11:15

9ctself · 05/09/2025 19:25

You are not for each other, you said divorce was the only option so why be surprised? you were not blind sided at all. be glad you were not dragged for years

Exaclty. In the first 11 months of marriage they are both talking about divorce. The marriage needs to end ASAP because things are going to get far worse.

Thank goodness they worked out they weren't right forneach other before separating became difficult. And this way no child is going to suffer this nightmare.

And clearly if you suggest divorce a likely outcome is your partner thinking it's a good idea, so you can't possibly be blindsided.

Flip

1 2 3 4