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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Blindsided by divorce papers

81 replies

ThisOliveHelper · 04/09/2025 17:45

Hi all. I wrote a post a couple of days ago about the state of my marriage. Only been married 10 months and my spouse became very verbally abusive with me after we moved in together. Started to throw things around the house and then would provoke me and get me really angry so when we'd argue he would film me deliberately and say hes plotting a divorce case against me and threaten to send the videos to my family and employers.

After months of push and pull and back and forth he today video called me and started to fill in the divorce papers ont he government website claiming he forgot the date we married. He told me he was doing what I wanted - filing divorce papers (I had previously said in argument what option do we have but to divorce but this was more in desperation of trying to get him to realise how bad things were and to try and work on it rather than a genuine request to file). Anyway the papers have now come through and hes told me he doesn't love me anymore and I need to find someone else who is willing to love me live with me and care for me and it wont be him but simultaneously blowing me kisses saying do you really want this. Ive been in tears on the video call and completely distraught. Im 35 worried about how ill have a family and children and feel totally devastated and bereft. I feel like this is the worst moment jn my life and im never going to get though it. Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
user764329056 · 04/09/2025 21:00

You’ll have dodged a bullet if you get out of this relationship, he’s a nut job

fedup078 · 04/09/2025 21:01

Literally the first thing it says on the government website is you can get divorced if you have been married over 12 months. He’s fucking with you . Put a reminder in your calendar to actually apply on your anniversary.

Gettingbysomehow · 04/09/2025 21:04

This is what woman hater Andrew Tate does to control women. Love bombs then destroys their self esteem and gives mixed messages to make them feel like they are going mad.
I know what your H has been reading.
Don't wait 12 months, dump this prick now before he destroys your mental health.

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 04/09/2025 21:14

The person you thought you loved never existed. You need to reframe your thoughts that way. This is the real man. He was just very convincing and given these games he’s playing he’s just known exactly which buttons to press from the beginning.
For a start you don’t need a knight in shining armor, you need a loving and KIND partner. This is just an abusive man-child in tin foil.
I agree with everyone (literally everyone else!) that a clean break is the absolute best thing you could hope for right now. With such a short marriage a court should accept a clean break.
I understand your disappointment at the future you expected, but don’t just go along with it out of fear. You still have time to find a decent person to spend your life with and have children with. But even if you don’t find anyone, remaining childless (or doing it alone- it’s 2025 after all) would be better than giving an innocent child this creature as a father and being tied to him for life.
If he can play on your emotions and manipulate you this badly as a grown adult, what would he put a child completely dependent on him through? The thought makes me feel sick to be honest and I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but if you are prepared to do that to a child then you aren’t ready to be a mum. Mums protect their babies at all costs. Choosing to have them with him is throwing them to the wolves.

Glendaruel · 04/09/2025 21:15

Im divorced, worried i wouldn't have children, then met my now husband at 39 and went on to have two wonderful children. Looking back it would gave been nightmare with my 1st husband, im in such a better position now and feel supported. Dont feel like settling for something that isn't working, life has a funny way of taking you where you need to be.

Thisgrillisonfire · 04/09/2025 21:22

He’s trying to break you. He’s behaving like a classic abuser, lovebombing, gaslighting - you don’t know whether you’re coming or going. When you’re broken the abuse will step up. Run for the hills. Having a baby on your own will always be a better outcome than having a baby with an abusive man.

rainbowlou · 04/09/2025 21:39

He wants you to feel distraught so you’ll beg him to stay, then when he does you’ll be walking on eggshells all the time in case you make another mistake and ‘upset’ him again.

let him go, you will be so much happier I guarantee.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 04/09/2025 21:49

Just be grateful that you did not have kids with this monster.

At least you can divorce him and never see him again now.

BunnyLake · 04/09/2025 21:50

Crikey I’d be dancing around the room ecstatic I was going to be rid of this arsehole! Be thankful you will never inflict him on children, what a horrible life you would give them if he was their father.

GAJLY · 04/09/2025 21:58

FairyBatman · 04/09/2025 19:31

He is deliberately messing with you. If he has signed the papers get them signed and sent in before this gets any messier and you end up with kids in the middle of the mess.

Yes, this 👆

BCBird · 04/09/2025 22:00

Linenpickle · 04/09/2025 18:02

Leave this arsewipe now!

I agree. You can do better.

Conniebygaslight · 04/09/2025 22:07

He’s trying to scare you to control you OP. Divorce him, it will get worse. He’s an abuser.

Conniebygaslight · 04/09/2025 22:10

ThisOliveHelper · 04/09/2025 19:19

Thank you all. I just am really scared bevause I never expected things to go this way and im im a lot of shock. Looking back it think there were maybe some signs but I think ive been terrified because he really presented himself as my Knight in shining armour so I cant get my head around what has happened. Its like hes had a personality transplant and ive been left really fearful of what rhe future holds especially because I really wanted to be a mum and have a family and thats the reason I stayed so long but equally I knkw i cant have children with a man that behaves like this... its just the shick of the situation but at the same time I keep holding onto the memori3s of the loving good person thst he used to be.

Edited

He will blow hot & cold. Leaving you confused and desperate for the nice version of him (who doesn’t really exist). This is how trauma bonds are created. Please get out now, before you’re too toxically attached.

Hedgehogbrown · 04/09/2025 22:28

He is going to be a shit Father and and an abusive Father. He will make the experience of Motherhood miserable for you. Go and see a solicitor.

Gettingbysomehow · 05/09/2025 07:18

The loving good person thst he pretended to be OP. He was never that person. That performance was just to reel you in.

perfectcolourfound · 05/09/2025 08:04

I'm so sorry.

Noone changes that quickly, so this is who he's always been. He painted himself as your knight in shining armour, and as soon as you were married he showed you who he truly is.

The best thing you can do is divorce him. He is playing games. Messing with you. Trying to manipulate you. He wants you to beg and scrape and cry and promise to be a better person. He wants to control you.

If his divorce papers are genuine, that's great. If they aren't, file yourself.

You know he would make a terrible, abusive father. You know he makes a terrible, abusive husband.

Divorce isn't failure. Divorce from an abusive person is the first step on the road to success.

9ctself · 05/09/2025 19:25

You are not for each other, you said divorce was the only option so why be surprised? you were not blind sided at all. be glad you were not dragged for years

Original poster
ThisOliveHelper · 05/09/2025 20:16

Thank you everyone who has commented. Reading your messges is really helping me at a time of complete crisis. It turns out that the papers were not genuine.

Hes been vile this morning, then told me he was handling it, then saying we are doing it jointly and then created yet another financial crisis and I reached breaking point today after months of struggling and filed the papers myself. He then told me he had filed them properly this lenjgn so can he get a refund and then called me later on saying he takes credit for taking the big step yesterday and making a final decision that we arent right for each other. I was completely confused because it is me thst has now filed in response to his behaviour and concerns around money. He then called me for a third time after id said goodbye to him and said he still wants to be friends and our hearts are connected to each other and I will be the only one for him and he the only one for me. Hearing him say that last sentence has again broken me down completely. Im juat distraught because on one hand I think of the caring wonderful beautiful kind man I fell in love with who I have got to know inside out - the man thst is familiar to me the one I love and the one I thought I was building a future with and yey the one who has been present for all these months is someone completely different and I just can't get my head around the loss of my person.

I honestly dont know how im mentally going to get through this.

OP posts:
ScottChegg · 05/09/2025 20:33

I think at least partly by letting almost everything he says go in one ear and straight out the other, OP. He is enjoying toying with you.

If you allow him to control your emotions with the bollocks he's spouting this will be a lot harder for you, and that's what he is aiming to do.

MeTooOverHere · 05/09/2025 22:31

ThisOliveHelper · 05/09/2025 20:16

Thank you everyone who has commented. Reading your messges is really helping me at a time of complete crisis. It turns out that the papers were not genuine.

Hes been vile this morning, then told me he was handling it, then saying we are doing it jointly and then created yet another financial crisis and I reached breaking point today after months of struggling and filed the papers myself. He then told me he had filed them properly this lenjgn so can he get a refund and then called me later on saying he takes credit for taking the big step yesterday and making a final decision that we arent right for each other. I was completely confused because it is me thst has now filed in response to his behaviour and concerns around money. He then called me for a third time after id said goodbye to him and said he still wants to be friends and our hearts are connected to each other and I will be the only one for him and he the only one for me. Hearing him say that last sentence has again broken me down completely. Im juat distraught because on one hand I think of the caring wonderful beautiful kind man I fell in love with who I have got to know inside out - the man thst is familiar to me the one I love and the one I thought I was building a future with and yey the one who has been present for all these months is someone completely different and I just can't get my head around the loss of my person.

I honestly dont know how im mentally going to get through this.

You need to get into counselling with someone you trust, without him knowing about it. Does your workplace have employee assistance?

In fact does your workplace have any assistance with DV? If so, get them involved NOW. This man is messing with your head. He is actively trying to beat you down so he can escalate the abuse. Don't let it happen. Get your support systems in place now so that on the 12 month anniversary you can file and go ahead with it.

Start looking for somewhere else to stay.

GAJLY · 05/09/2025 22:32

He is messing you around. He doesn't want you but likes the idea that he can make you stay if he wants to. He's being vile. Yes file.fir divorce and leave. Womens refuge will help you.

PigletSanders · 05/09/2025 23:11

He is absolutely loving the act of destroying you pathologically. Let that sink in.

JustMyView13 · 06/09/2025 05:28

I actually think this part: hearts are connected to each other and I will be the only one for him and he the only one for me. is quite scary, It’s almost like a telescope into the future about how he’ll try to continue the control and abuse. I think you should consider journaling these interactions on your phone in a locked note. Date, time etc. you need to protect yourself. He sounds unhinged and dangerous.

SylvesterandTweetyPie · 06/09/2025 09:42

Please do not stay with him. Is your home rented or do you have a mortgage with him? He is intensifying the mind games.Keep in your head that this version is the real him. The Knight in shining armour you met was a character he created to get you to fall in love with him. Don't let him be the storyteller of your own life. Get good support and advice from someone who knows how to help you. Speak to a divorce solicitor.

Start planning for your next chapter without him in it. Your life will be a much better one without him. Good luck

Noelshighflyingturds · 06/09/2025 09:43

If he doesn’t file those papers, you should. Don’t waste another minute of your life with this prick