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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Blindsided by divorce papers

81 replies

ThisOliveHelper · 04/09/2025 17:45

Hi all. I wrote a post a couple of days ago about the state of my marriage. Only been married 10 months and my spouse became very verbally abusive with me after we moved in together. Started to throw things around the house and then would provoke me and get me really angry so when we'd argue he would film me deliberately and say hes plotting a divorce case against me and threaten to send the videos to my family and employers.

After months of push and pull and back and forth he today video called me and started to fill in the divorce papers ont he government website claiming he forgot the date we married. He told me he was doing what I wanted - filing divorce papers (I had previously said in argument what option do we have but to divorce but this was more in desperation of trying to get him to realise how bad things were and to try and work on it rather than a genuine request to file). Anyway the papers have now come through and hes told me he doesn't love me anymore and I need to find someone else who is willing to love me live with me and care for me and it wont be him but simultaneously blowing me kisses saying do you really want this. Ive been in tears on the video call and completely distraught. Im 35 worried about how ill have a family and children and feel totally devastated and bereft. I feel like this is the worst moment jn my life and im never going to get though it. Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
Newnamehiwhodis · 04/09/2025 19:03

What a manipulative little drama queen he is. Leave him in the dust. You’ll be so happy later if you don’t give him one more iota of the emotion he’s looking for. Go grey rock and just turn into an ice cube around him.

little twerp that he is. You can, and will do better. Get some therapy and heal whatever wound it is that allowed you to feel drawn to him. Damage dances with damage, and once you heal you’ll be able to snub him completely and move onward and upward.

walkingismedicine · 04/09/2025 19:03

Doesn’t sound like father material. You’ve got plenty of time to find someone better

fedup078 · 04/09/2025 19:07

Oh come on op he’s a manipulative childish prick. You need to write this off as one of life’s mistakes and move on .

JustMyView13 · 04/09/2025 19:07

Go & freeze your eggs, sign the divorce, heal and then decide if you want to go down the route of a donor & IVF. Having children is no longer contingent on being married to an abusive prick.

MeganM3 · 04/09/2025 19:08

This is the ONLY way you’ll have a happy life. A family could still be in your future, and thankfully not with this abusive are hole!
This is the next step to the rest of your life and future happiness.

Put him in your past, where he belongs. Never speak to him again if you can help it. Just disappear from his world completely.

Clarabell77 · 04/09/2025 19:11

He sounds like a psycho. Get the divorce and be well rid. Having a family with him would be hellish!

MigGirl · 04/09/2025 19:14

You can't actually divorce within 12 months of being married in the UK, so either you are abroad or they a fake.

Make sure you check that out OP.

BuckChuckets · 04/09/2025 19:15

whattheysay · 04/09/2025 17:47

The best thing you will ever do in your life is divorce this man

I agree with this, and think we can all tell from just that one post. Awful man.

Original poster
ThisOliveHelper · 04/09/2025 19:19

Thank you all. I just am really scared bevause I never expected things to go this way and im im a lot of shock. Looking back it think there were maybe some signs but I think ive been terrified because he really presented himself as my Knight in shining armour so I cant get my head around what has happened. Its like hes had a personality transplant and ive been left really fearful of what rhe future holds especially because I really wanted to be a mum and have a family and thats the reason I stayed so long but equally I knkw i cant have children with a man that behaves like this... its just the shick of the situation but at the same time I keep holding onto the memori3s of the loving good person thst he used to be.

OP posts:
Hotflushesandchilblains · 04/09/2025 19:22

I am sorry but this relationship sounds toxic - if you were getting to the point where you were suggesting a divorce in desperation, there were obviously massive behaviour and communication problems.

I know its hard when you are looking at fertility and age, but its better to be in a relationship which is nurturing than stick it out just to have kids - I have seen several women do this and end up tied to the most horrible men, seeing them fade away a little more every year.

Relationships are hard sometimes - but they shouldn't be this hard, especially this early along.

Maybeitllneverhappen · 04/09/2025 19:28

Pray you're not already pregnant and get a divorce asap.

MoveOverToTheSea · 04/09/2025 19:28

You need to see a solicitor asap.
you have a short marriage which means a split is unlikely be the usual 50/50.

As you dint have children, it’s all down to whatever assets you’re sharing together. A mortgage maybe?

Otherwise, he is showing all the classic signs of an abuser, including blowing hot and cold and playing on the fact you’re getting desperate to start a family.
Dont fall for it.
Yes everything will feel awful just now. He is putting a lot of pressure on you to make you ‘behave’.
The problem is that, if you were to stay, hed just continue his abusive behaviour. Except leaving will just be harder and harder as time goes

MoveOverToTheSea · 04/09/2025 19:30

ThisOliveHelper · 04/09/2025 19:19

Thank you all. I just am really scared bevause I never expected things to go this way and im im a lot of shock. Looking back it think there were maybe some signs but I think ive been terrified because he really presented himself as my Knight in shining armour so I cant get my head around what has happened. Its like hes had a personality transplant and ive been left really fearful of what rhe future holds especially because I really wanted to be a mum and have a family and thats the reason I stayed so long but equally I knkw i cant have children with a man that behaves like this... its just the shick of the situation but at the same time I keep holding onto the memori3s of the loving good person thst he used to be.

Edited

And all of that is pretty normal.
Youll need time to grieve for what you thought you had. And that’s fine.

In the mean time, don’t let him reel you back in

FairyBatman · 04/09/2025 19:31

He is deliberately messing with you. If he has signed the papers get them signed and sent in before this gets any messier and you end up with kids in the middle of the mess.

JustMyView13 · 04/09/2025 19:35

OP he sounds hideous.
He was probably behaving so convincingly because part of his abuse is dangling the carrot of a family infront of you, then blocking you from having it. He sounds horrendous.
Don't forget his pension when you split assets.

LargeChestofDrawers · 04/09/2025 19:40

Let the divorce go through but obviously watch out for him trying to take advantage of you financially.

He sounds utterly awful. If you want a family, don't have one with him. Get rid, and then go about either having your family alone (I know women that have done this very successfully) or find a decent man to share it with. This man is far from decent.

DiscoBob · 04/09/2025 19:42

I remember you, and he is appalling. It would be disastrous to have children with him. So every day you spend with him you're wasting your time if kids are essential to you.

Be glad you've got enough time to find a new partner and have children if you split with this loser right now.

mindutopia · 04/09/2025 19:55

Yes, you really want this. This will be one of the best things to ever happen to you. Tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out.

Squishymallows · 04/09/2025 19:57

You would never ever want children with this
man

DorothyStorm · 04/09/2025 19:59

Divorce. Move on. Dont waste time. He is abusive. Abusive men often wait until after marriage to start their abuse.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/09/2025 20:04

Hi there. Thank GOD you didn’t have a baby with this man you still have time to meet someone but I cannot tell you how bad the stress is of ciparenting with an abusive man. Much better to be a solo mum by choice.

EaglesSwim · 04/09/2025 20:44

walkingismedicine · 04/09/2025 19:03

Doesn’t sound like father material. You’ve got plenty of time to find someone better

....and even if she didn't no child should see what the OP is describing. It would be an act of abuse to create a child to live like that.

(This guy doesn't sound like he wants a child anyway.)

LeftieRightsHoarder · 04/09/2025 20:49

Mumski45 · 04/09/2025 18:45

Not very far into the future you will see this as the best day of your life and the day when things started to improve. A family and children with this man would be a life sentence that even divorce would not save you from. Be strong and look after yourself.

I agree. Also, please consider having some therapy to help you look after yourself and avoid abusive men. I wish you a happy future, starting by freeing yourself from this horrible man.

NNforthispost · 04/09/2025 20:53

He’s really manipulating you with that language he’s used. I vote to divorce asap. Tell him to file them and ask for evidence it’s been done.

Echobelly · 04/09/2025 20:56

Sounds like he's totally playing mind games. Get this divorce, this man will not add to your life.