Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should DH choose nanny hours is he's paying?

52 replies

Hoping1235 · 02/09/2025 08:21

We have a nanny come for 3 hours a day while I try and find work (returning to freelance work from maternity care). My partner and I have different preferences on when she should come. As he's paying should he be able to decide??

OP posts:
GlowWorm13 · 02/09/2025 08:27

No he shouldn’t because you’re a partnership and you need to listen to each other. You shouldn’t be punished and your thoughts on this dismissed as punishment for not earning money. It needs to be discussed and agreed as adults.

Comedycook · 02/09/2025 08:29

Why does he care when they come? Does it actually make a difference to him or does he think he should decide just because he's paying?

Fitzcarraldo353 · 02/09/2025 08:30

What difference does it make to him? Does he have any legitimate reason for the schedule and how does it impact you? Assuming childcare is coming to allow you both to work, you need to find a schedule that allows you both to do that.

oldclock · 02/09/2025 08:30

You're married, therefore all of your assets are joint, so you're both paying. Is he always such a bully?

ApoodlecalledPenny · 02/09/2025 08:31

Does he want her to come in the evening so he doesn’t have to do any childcare?

ApolloandDaphne · 02/09/2025 08:33

Can you tell us what your different preferences are and why each thinks theirs is better?

Cadenza12 · 02/09/2025 08:33

It's a joint decision, as presumably so was the baby.

CAMHShelp · 02/09/2025 08:35

Surely if it’s to cover your working hours then it fits in with you but as it’s a nanny and someone in your home I can see why he’d want a say.
What are the hours?

indoorplantqueen · 02/09/2025 08:36

If you’re at home job hunting when the nanny is coming then I think you should get more say as you know baby’s routine. For example, if baby has a long nap between 10-12, then there’s no point the nanny being there then. Would be better to work from 12-3.

Sdpbody · 02/09/2025 08:55

I genuinely believe men should be "Ideally not seen, and absolutely not heard".

Original poster
Hoping1235 · 02/09/2025 09:15

He wants her to come the same time every day ( every afternoon) so there is more of a routine for the baby. It actually suited me better for here to come two mornings and three afternoons but thinking that is actually a bit selfish now and perhaps he's right..

OP posts:
NaranjaDreams · 02/09/2025 09:18

I’d go for the same period too. It might not matter when the baby is very small but routine is good, and I think it’d be easier to plan work like that too, it’s easier for clients to remember that you are available from 1 - 4pm every day for example. Clarity and ease are important when you’re freelance.

rainbowstardrops · 02/09/2025 09:23

What would suit the routine of your baby more? For instance, if they nap from 1-3pm then there’s not much point in the nanny being there at that time. Similarly, if the baby naps in the morning then the nanny being there in the afternoon would be more useful.

bohemianwrapsody · 02/09/2025 09:26

What do you mean he's paying? It's family money. You're not freeloading, you've been on maternity.

arcticpandas · 02/09/2025 09:29

Hoping1235 · 02/09/2025 08:21

We have a nanny come for 3 hours a day while I try and find work (returning to freelance work from maternity care). My partner and I have different preferences on when she should come. As he's paying should he be able to decide??

We have a nanny come for 3 hours a day while I try and find work

So the reason a nanny is coming is for you to try to find work. Therefore it should be during the hours that suits YOU. It's logic and he shouldn't be interfering.

Girlmom35 · 02/09/2025 10:54

@Hoping1235
What's this nonsense of "he's paying"?
He works?
You've been on mat leave
You have a baby together.

There should be no separate finances at this point, unless there's a huge mismatch in financial values or one of you is untrustworthy with money - at which point you shouldn't have been making babies together.

There is no such thing as 'his money' and 'your money'
There is your common household budget and you both decide together what it's being used on.

mindutopia · 02/09/2025 11:11

Well, the point of her coming is so you can find work. Therefore, surely it makes sense for her to come when it’s convenient for you. I can definitely see a scenario when you may need to have an interview or do some similar task and it can only be scheduled in the mornings. If you have coverage both mornings and afternoons, then you have a lot more flexibility. Similarly, it allows you to plan around classes and other activities you might still want to do.

That said, do be realistic about how easy it is to work with someone looking after your baby at home for you if you are working from a home office (it’s not easy at all), especially if you do need to have meetings without a baby screaming in the background. If this was me, I’d do nursery or childminder 3 days a week but longer to give you time to get home to work.

InMyShowgirlEra · 02/09/2025 11:18

Who would otherwise be taking care of the baby during that period of time?

If you're busy from 10am-1pm and DH is at work, then the nanny needs to be there then.

The baby can't tell the time and the nanny can keep the usual routine in terms of naps, feeding etc.

PlanetOtter · 02/09/2025 11:22

Did you post about this recently? If so, you largely wanted the nanny to come while the baby slept which didn’t make an awful lot of sense.

MageQueen · 02/09/2025 11:25

the baby' sroutine isn't about who is looking after her, it's about when she naps, when she plays, when she eats, when she's out and about. So if routine is important, as long as the nanny does that routine consistently in line with what is normal, it's fine.

I'd also say as someone who has to go out there punting for work myself, a set few hours isn't always helpful - some contacts can't/wont meet at certain times or on certain days etc, so I can see why a variety of slots are helpful. eg I'm meeting someone for a drink next week and lunch the week after. I've got a call today at 12:00 but tomorrow I'm speaking to someone at 8am....

Original poster
Hoping1235 · 02/09/2025 12:34

Thankyou so much everyone it's been really helpful to read your opinions and get some perspective and also advice on how to move forward 🙏

@rainbowstardropsthe baby naps from 12.30-2.30pm - there's not much I can realistically get done in that time after I've finished cleaning etc.

@MageQueeni think you're right it could make sense to do full days here and there so I can get more done. DHs preference is for every day to be the same throughout the week - he said to keep the baby's routine the same. That's why he said he wants the nanny to come at same hours every afternoon. He said ultimately it's up to me but that's his preference.

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 02/09/2025 12:37

He said ultimately it's up to me but that's his preference.

Great, if you're the one who's responsible for the care of the baby when the Nanny is not there, and your DH is working, then I think that you should get to decide what would be the most useful arrangement.

itsgettingweird · 02/09/2025 12:39

No your “partner” doesn’t get to decide because it’s “family” money paying for it.

You are going freelance after maternity raising your joint child.

remind him of these facts.

Tell him if he’d prefer to call all the shots he’s happy to live alone and have your child 50:50 and he can have the nanny any he likes then when it suits just him!

Osirus · 02/09/2025 12:45

Hoping1235 · 02/09/2025 09:15

He wants her to come the same time every day ( every afternoon) so there is more of a routine for the baby. It actually suited me better for here to come two mornings and three afternoons but thinking that is actually a bit selfish now and perhaps he's right..

Yeah, he’s right.

makeachange25 · 02/09/2025 12:49

The baby doesn't need the same routine every day. Some days I have a morning play group with my son, some days we go to the park in the afternoon. If you're getting a nanny they should come at the time it's helpful for you. Yes it's nice to have consistency. But they'll have a routine over the week so that will provide the consistency. Each day doesn't and shouldn't be the exact same in my experience