Should DH choose nanny hours is he's paying?

[Hoping1235]

We have a nanny come for 3 hours a day while I try and find work (returning to freelance work from maternity care). My partner and I have different preferences on when she should come. As he's paying should he be able to decide??

If as you say he's just stated his preference but that it's ultimately up to you the title of your post is misleading.

I would have thought you will find it easier to hire a nanny if you have the same hours each day as they can combine it with another job/study if that suits. Have you tried to recruit yet?

No, it's YOU looking for work, it needs to be when it's best for YOU.

it won't make any difference to your baby if it's some morning & some afternoons or the odd full day. Hopefully you can find someone who can be flexible to meet your needs.

its good for your baby not to be so regimented all the time & to go with the flow. If she's happy with the nanny it won't matter when she cares for her xx

Good Luck with finding work 🤗

@FamBaesorry if it was misleading.. I think that was genuinely my question.. should I let him decide as he's paying? (even though he said it's ultimately up to me) I thought maybe his preference should take precedent as he's paying for everything..

There are plenty of us around who are happy to work flexibly 😊

the nanny is coming in to enable you to recommence work so it makes sense that the hours work for you.

More broadly though the nanny is being employed so you can both work - he's not doing you a f'ing favour

Currently his salary is covering 'everything' But YOU are looking after your joint child, he couldn't earn that money if it wasn't for you, it's not just his money!! you need to get your head around that.

Well it depends. He can dictate it to an extent as in he wants her to cover some time that he personally might have otherwise spent on childcare. But you also need them to cover times when you would previously be doing it but can't as you're job seeking.

So the nanny should come at times that benefit you both. If he's always at work and rarely covers solo parenting then it should be more leaning towards your decision on when you personally need her.

I'm not suggesting full days. I'm saying it makes complete sense for the nanny to come at different times on different days as that give syou flexibility.

And I'm really not buying the "routine" argument. Does that mean that if your DH is off work on a Tuesday, he can't do anything with the baby because the baby's routine is for you to do it? the reality is that if the baby is used to lunch at 11:30 and nap at 13:00, it doesn't matter who does it as long as that routine is kept to.

It doesn't matter who is paying for it but key thing is that they come when the baby is awake otherwise you get very little extra time back (unless they are also going to do the chores you do when the baby is asleep, which not all nannies will).

I personally would probably like the routine of them coming the same time every day but I don't think it matters much so whatever you prefer. You might find you don't necessarily get a choice in that you might prefer someone who has set availability.

You might find that you get the greatest choice of nanny if you are willing to be flexible so rather than going for fixed days, as it sounds like you don't need to, perhaps advertise for a nanny and say you are willing to be flexible. Ultimately there will be pros and cons to any arrangement.

No! Because on that basis he gets to decide everything because he earns money while you are looking after his child for him, for free.

I work, my DP doesn't (he is looking after our children and managing a house renovation). I don't get more say in how the money I earn is spent than he does. You are a family and you have an equal say.

He’s not paying, it’s joint money when you’re married and especially when you have children.

You need to forget the idea that it’s his money.

DHs preference is for every day to be the same throughout the week
I don’t understand why this is important, unless that’s all the nanny can do.
most kids don’t do the same thing every day.
even at nursery they may have different staff some days or a SAHM would take them to a play group or a class some days and not other days. Obviously a sense of routine is nice, but I don’t see why the same 2 mornings and same 3 afternoons for example wouldn’t be an acceptable routine. Happy to be told if I’m missing something though!

Agree with this.

Advertise for 15h per week and see who suits you best. I also agree that it’s less use if they are covering the main nap times!

But presumably you're both employing a nanny so that you can get back in to paid work after maternity leave?

I think it's got to be around what works best for you & your work.

And I'm sure many posters have said: he's not paying - you both are. It's a shared cost of having a baby. You're "paying" with the impact on your body & all the unpaid housework & childcare you do.

Yes also this. He isn’t paying. It’s your household income that’s paying for a nanny.
household income he’s able to earn because currently you are looking after his child.

No, money isn't the only contribution of value. You've been caring for his child for the last however many months at great personal sacrifice to your own career. You have equal say in this.

I’d actually consider it detrimental to a baby to have a routine so rigid that it couldn’t possibly change on any day for any reason. The nanny is there for you. Surely it’s more important to have the hours that would benefit you the most?

The baby will really not need a routine of nanny at a specific time each day. You should boom her for the most sensible times for you yo gwt what you need to get done, done. Not based on babies need for routine.
A baby really doesnt need a military precision routine. Its good to have a sort of schedule of nap times etc but it will really not matter. Unless you are breastfeeding then you might want to consider feeding times into this.

He said ultimately it's up to me but that's his preference.

This is very different from your title. Has he actually said he should get to decide the hours because he pays or are you just wondering if because he pays he gets final say?

just read your update, your title is very misleading and I think a few posters may of read it as though he thinks he’s in charge (which never goes down well)

Your baby’s routine will change naturally though, a nanny isn’t going to be able to change her hours accordingly. So you need something that works for the family as a whole - and as it’s to cover you working, you need to work out what your preferred work hours will be.

And you fit housework in afterwards, you don’t say you won’t work between 1 and 2 when baby currently naps because you’re doing the hoovering then. Personally I’d prefer two full days to do invoiceable work and a half day to catch up with admin/invoicing/last minute emergency jobs.

Thankyou everyone this is all very helpful, I shall
discuss again with him. And apologies again for the misleading title, will post more carefully next time.

Calm down MN man-haters.. nowhere does OP say that he’s saying because he pays, he chooses. This isn’t a disagreement about the nanny (well it is, but…) it’s actually about parenting the baby. He thinks the baby should have a routine, you don’t (or don’t as much).

No right or wrong, some babies take to routines and some don’t.

But, it’s not his sole decision, nor is it your sole decision. You need to discuss and agree. And if you cant sort something this simple out you will struggle with parenting.

It might be better for the nanny to do all mornings or all afternoons as she may need to find other work aswell as this 3hrs a day. If baby sleeps for 2hrs every afternoon, i’d employ her for the morning. Or depends if you’d like to take the baby out in the mornings. But i’d choose one or the other as nanny might end up leaving if she can’t commit to other work as 3hrs a day won’t be enough for anyone to live off.