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Original poster

Can you build a life with someone you don't...

66 replies

Wuxiapian · 31/05/2008 15:42

find physically attractive?

It sounds shallow, yes, but don't you need to have that attraction?

My best friend, who I've known for 14 years wants to be with me - has done for quite some time. I've always told him I love him dearly, but as a friend - he's more like a brother to me.

He's decent, loyal, caring and, more importantly, prepared to take on another man's child.

I know I'd want for nothing financially and he'd be an excellent role model.

He's everything I want in a man, but he just doesn't "do it" for me.

Could this ever work if I were to give it a try?

Much thanks for any responses.

OP posts:
Saturn74 · 31/05/2008 15:46

It depends if you are both very clear about the nature of the relationship.

If you just want him as a friend for you, and a father figure for your DC, but he is hoping it will develop into a passionate romance, there would be trouble.

lazarou · 31/05/2008 15:50

He sounds perfect, and you don't fancy him!

If you did end up with him you may find yourself feeling quite lonely or in need of affection. If you aren't attracted to him you may end up resenting him.

Having said that, you could learn to love him. If he is a decent man he can give your child a good life.

I'm sure though, that you could do it just as well on your own. YOu may meet someone, you never know what's going to happen.

Original poster
Wuxiapian · 31/05/2008 15:53

Thanks, Humphrey.

Well, naturally, he'll want to get closer to me and has already said that he wouldn't share me with anyone else.

I know that I'd have to perform certain duties and this is the main concern for me.

OP posts:
Barnical · 31/05/2008 15:54

yes you can learn to love them. But IME it might jolly well end up biting you back in the bum.
And then you might be stuck in a relationship because it is good for the Dc.

lazarou · 31/05/2008 15:55

Duties?!

charliecat · 31/05/2008 15:56

Hmm, he sounds perfect really. Why hasnt it worked out in previous relationships?
What im thinking is that if he has whooshed you off your feet and you had spent 12 months bonking and this is how you had ended up after a year then....well you wouldnt be complaining, you would think you were soulmates...
.....could you sleep with him?

Dior · 31/05/2008 15:56

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Wuxiapian · 31/05/2008 15:57

Thanks, Laz.

That's the worry - me being with him but seeking affection elsewhere.

He would give my child a wonderful life and would be a wonderful influence - do I deny my son this or make the sacrifice?

OP posts:
Pinkchampagne · 31/05/2008 15:57

Hmmm, I couldn't do this personally. There has to be a certain amount of attraction in a relationship IMO.

NotABanana · 31/05/2008 15:58

My DH didn't do it for me when I first met him.

He does now. More so, the older we get.

Barnical · 31/05/2008 15:59

I have no answer for that, I chose dc over me. I love DH dearly, but I now look back and think I would do it differently for me.

charliecat · 31/05/2008 16:00

Is there not the teeniest spark that you could build on?

lazarou · 31/05/2008 16:00

I don't think you would be denying your son anything that really means anything, ie love and affection.

Also, could you have a man you don't really fancy or love in 'that way' disciplining your son?

Also, he sounds great but everyone has something annoying about them.

Are you fed up of doing it all on your own, is that why you're considering this now?

Original poster
Wuxiapian · 31/05/2008 16:01

Yes, Barnical, Dior, if it doesn't work I lose my best friend and it'd be hard on my son, too.

He's been married (and divorced) twice before. The second marriage was basically on the rebound as he asked me to marry him and I declined.

He's not my type, at all. Certainly no phwoar - doubt there ever would be. There's an age issue aswell. I'm 30, he's 49. I feel we'd only have so many good years.

OP posts:
charliecat · 31/05/2008 16:04

It could work as a partnership by the sound of it, but not as a relationship.

Saturn74 · 31/05/2008 16:05

"I know that I'd have to perform certain duties and this is the main concern for me".

I know that I absolutely couldn't do that, and therefore the relationship wouldn't work.

The right man will come along - but this guy isn't him, imo.

Stick to being best friends with him.

He'll still be a good role model for your child to have in his life - he doesn't need to be in your bed for that to happen.

Barnical · 31/05/2008 16:05

Honestly.. I wouldn't do it, he's not got a good track record. He can be in your ds's life without you having to have a relationship.
I'm wondering if you are feeling that he will be able to look after you and ds. protect you and be wiser to the world etc and maybe you are seeing stability that might not actually be there.

Keep him as a friend, do nice this together, but leave yourself open for the right person for you.

chocolatespiders · 31/05/2008 16:06

tbh i think you need a certain level of attraction so i dont think it would work unless you fall in love with his personality...

i have been thinking a lot about this recently as i was discussing with my brother and his girlfriend about a potential date for me... i said to his girlfriend do you think he is good looking and my brother (who is very good looking) turned to me and said is it not about time you realised it is about more than what they look like.... and i agree but i still think you need some attaction

Original poster
Wuxiapian · 31/05/2008 16:07

Charlie, I'm comfortable with hugs and maybe the odd little kiss as I'm always so comfortable in his company, but if his hands start to stray, it makes my skin crawl.

Laz, my son does get much love and affection, but I feel he's missing out on so much - a good, family life, enjoying doing things as a family.

I'm considering it now becasue I'm not getting any younger and it's not as if I'm inundated with offers. I know he loves me and wants the best out of life for me and I know he'd look after me.

OP posts:
Barnical · 31/05/2008 16:09

Wux your ONLy 30.. it's not a great age x

chocolatespiders · 31/05/2008 16:12

i dont think you should do it for your son

you deserve some happiness, i am 31, been single for 3 years... but i wouldnt just settle for anyone..i would rather be single...

you have lots of years of dating in front of you... i think you would regret it if you got together with him, then you would lose your best friend

chocolatespiders · 31/05/2008 16:12

i dont think you should do it for your son

you deserve some happiness, i am 31, been single for 3 years... but i wouldnt just settle for anyone..i would rather be single...

you have lots of years of dating in front of you... i think you would regret it if you got together with him, then you would lose your best friend

mosschops30 · 31/05/2008 16:12

potential partners dont have to be 'good looking' but you do have to find them attractive and have that sexual spark there, equally you can meet someone stunningly good looking and not fancy them, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
You cannot 'learn' to fancy someone.

I think, as some others have said, that you like the idea of security and feeling safe and loved, but you really need the whole package and a 30 yr old woman with a dc should not settle for what she can get.

Stay friends with this guy but keep looking for 'Mr Perfect'

NotABanana · 31/05/2008 16:13

Having read some more I would say no.

You deserve passion in your life.

charliecat · 31/05/2008 16:16

If he makes your skin crawl then dont do it. You can surely have family TYPE days out with him and others without selling your soul to the devil?
Your son needs you to be HAPPY. Not settling down with a lovely man who makes her skin crawl.
Have patience, hold out!