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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can you build a life with someone you don't...

66 replies

Wuxiapian · 31/05/2008 15:42

find physically attractive?

It sounds shallow, yes, but don't you need to have that attraction?

My best friend, who I've known for 14 years wants to be with me - has done for quite some time. I've always told him I love him dearly, but as a friend - he's more like a brother to me.

He's decent, loyal, caring and, more importantly, prepared to take on another man's child.

I know I'd want for nothing financially and he'd be an excellent role model.

He's everything I want in a man, but he just doesn't "do it" for me.

Could this ever work if I were to give it a try?

Much thanks for any responses.

OP posts:

Pinkchampagne · 31/05/2008 16:18

I really don't think it could work. I could never do it myself. 30 is no age at all - keep looking for Mr Right!

Like someone else said - he can still be a part of your DS's life, but you don't have to get in bed with him!

chipmonkey · 31/05/2008 16:49

No, don't do it, not if the idea of sleeping with him makes your skin crawl.
You would end up divorced and that would hardly be ideal for your son either.

crokky · 31/05/2008 16:55

I don't think you should do it.

If he is a good friend, you can go on a day out with him and your DS so your DS will still have a good role model.

Also, if the idea of sleeping with him is making your skin crawl and you actually have to do it, it may be obvious and he might be really hurt by it. That might spell the end of your relationship and friendship.

Also (I'm not judging those who are divorced, just asking the question) if he is so lovely etc, why did 2 separate women divorce him. Assuming they found him attractive etc, what was the problem, twice?

Also, a relationship such as the one you would have is not something you want your DS to aspire to, so from this POV, not a good role model.

singledadofthree · 31/05/2008 17:02

wont waffle on - will just say dont do it.

it will fail and you will loose your best friend. unless you can switch off all physical/emotional/sexual feeling.

and how good a role model woould the pair of you make? dont do it.

gracepaley · 31/05/2008 17:12

don't do it.

DillyTant · 31/05/2008 17:17

When in doubt - don't!

prettyfly1 · 31/05/2008 17:49

hey there. my best friend could very easily be your best friend, it is exactly and i do mean exactly the same situation. Its up to you to decide what you want to do but where my bf is concerned i adore him but am not in love with him and would rather he found someone to give him all the love and respect and devotion he offered me. he deserves more then me as i would only have been with him for what he could give me. thats my situation not yours but just be a bit careful. if you do something and cant carry it on you will hurt someone you do love - just not in the right way.

Original poster

Wuxiapian · 31/05/2008 18:54

One of my friends told me to follow my heart.

My heart is telling me that as much as I love him, I can't be in a relationship without that spark/chemistry.

My head is thinking of the benefits of being with such a loving man and that no relationship is perfect and how can I totally dismiss something I've never had any experience of?

It's the heart/head battle that's doing me in.

OP posts:

Pinkchampagne · 31/05/2008 19:02

It is just not going to work. You have to have some chemistry there of some sort to be in a relationship with someone IMO.

You don't want to ruin your friendship, so leave it as that - good friendship. There will be another loving man somewhere along the line, that you are attracted to.

warthog · 31/05/2008 19:14

no, i don't believe it'll work. as life begins to tell on your relationship (like who unloaded the dishwasher last and why do you always have to pick up his underpants) that skincrawling feeling won't just be about sex, it'll become much bigger.

you ARE young. you should hold out for someone who floats your boat.

madamez · 31/05/2008 19:17

DOn't do it. DOn;t do it don't do it don't do it. You are literally selling sex for security: you have pretty much stated that in order to access what this man is offering (stability, support, etc) you will let him have sex on your body despite the fact that the idea makes your skin crawl. Unless he is a psychopath this is actually a horrible thing to do to a man, because if he has any sensitivity at all he will be aware that you find him sexually disgusting and will being to hate himself and resent you: you will lose all feelings of goodwill to him because you will not be able to rid yourself of the horror of sexual contact with him and the thought that soon you will 'have to' let him at you again.

If you want to use sex as currency, set an hourly rate and sign up with a decent escort agency, it's actually a lot better for your mental health and even your ethics than what you are considering.

Salla · 31/05/2008 20:13

This could end up as another "Forsythe Saga", a tragedy for everyone involved.

prettyfly1 · 31/05/2008 20:15

good point madamez and i can see your view but it was a bit brutal- I can see how you would find it difficult not to give your child a loving devoted father and yourself a man who adores you wholeheartedly. its got to be tempting however i agree totally that it is still wrong. like i said if this guy is that great he deserves better then a relationship based on an illusion because you want more then a life alone for yourself. its not fair. and you deserve more then a passionless existence based only on security.

Shitemum · 31/05/2008 20:30

If you want a 'family life' for your son you'd be better off getting together with some other single mums and renting a lovely big house somewhere together.

anorak · 31/05/2008 20:30

1 He deserves to be loved back as much as he is loving - you will be short-changing him if you can't.

2 After a while he will get on your nerves if you don't love him.

3 If you meet someone who does "do it" for you you will not be able to resist - and a broken relationship is no gift for your child.

DarthVader · 31/05/2008 20:32

skin crawl is an extreme reaction

forget it fgs

ingles2 · 31/05/2008 20:39

even though I agree with what everyone is saying I was in a similar situation to this with a man I loved dearly but didn't fancy. Then one night I got pissed and slept with him! It was absolutely fantasticly amazing! I couldn't wait to do it again and saw him in a completely different light.
We've now been together for nearly 15 years and married 10

madamez · 31/05/2008 21:18

OK, OP, what you perhaps should do here is have sex with your friend. No promises, no strings, say to him that if you are both contemplating a Relationship then you should have sex to see if you are compatible. WIth a prior agreement that if you are not, you can laugh about it and stay friends.
If the idea of this makes your skin crawl, then you really do have your answer, don't you. And if he is appalled, angry or flouncy when you suggest it, then imagine what living with him would be like...

Dior · 31/05/2008 21:19

Message withdrawn

Shitemum · 31/05/2008 21:20

madamez has the answer I think...

Original poster

Wuxiapian · 01/06/2008 10:31

Madamez, I can appreciate your point because that's basically what I'd be doing - prostituting myself.

What if we have sex - how I'd be able to actually go through with it, I don't know - and it's a disaster? That's gonna mess things up, big time!

Pretty, Shite, you're both right. A relationship with him would be one-sided as he wants it more than I do - not fair to him.

As for my happiness, I'm very lucky insofar as I have the support of my family, but I need more. I need to be loved, I need a companion. He's all I could want in a partner.

Talked some more with a friend last night. She puts it 80/20 for it not working. If we were meant to have been together, it would've happened at some point within the past 14 years, so I need to ask myself why it didn't.

OP posts:

BecauseImWorthIt · 01/06/2008 10:35

But he's not all you could want in a partner, as there is no sexual/physical chemistry in the relationship.

Please don't do it.

Apart from how you're going to feel, it's actually a pretty shoddy way to treat him.

girlnextdoor · 01/06/2008 10:43

This is a no-brainer isn't it?

There are loads of men around who almost fit the bill, but not quite. I really can't believe you are contemplating marrying a man you don't find attractive. What if it was the other way round- what if he was the most gorgeous men ever to walk the planet but he'd be a bad father, bad provider and a selfish git? But you fancied the pants off him- would you marry him? Well, this is the same, but the other way round.

Cut your losses- keep him as a friend and find man who you find attractive in EVERY sense.

How could you possibly wish to deceive this man by pretending to love him in a physical way?

noddyholder · 01/06/2008 10:46

Imagine how you would feel if you knew the thought of sex with you made someones skin crawl. Think long and hard about that.I have male friends who even though i wouldn't dream of sleeping with tehm and there is no sexual chemistry between us i still wouldn't say the thought would make my skin crawl.That is too extreme to over come

BoyzntheShire · 01/06/2008 11:01

if you get together with a man for security, he will get on your nerves till you cant take it any more and then you'll hate yourself for being so mean and nasty (coz you will be when youre that irritated). i was engaged once, to a man who did do it for me, at first, but wasnt really compatible in any other way. i 'knew' hed look after me and keep me on the straight and narrow and i thought i needed that.
take it from me, its a big mistake. lots of hurt feelings all round.

madamez is spot on.

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