Can you build a life with someone you don't...

[Wuxiapian]

find physically attractive?

It sounds shallow, yes, but don't you need to have that attraction?

My best friend, who I've known for 14 years wants to be with me - has done for quite some time. I've always told him I love him dearly, but as a friend - he's more like a brother to me.

He's decent, loyal, caring and, more importantly, prepared to take on another man's child.

I know I'd want for nothing financially and he'd be an excellent role model.

He's everything I want in a man, but he just doesn't "do it" for me.

Could this ever work if I were to give it a try?

Much thanks for any responses.

Wuxiapian, don't do it. He deserves better and so do you.

So, how do I tell him that a full-blown relationship with him can never be and that I want to keep his friendship?

How do we continue with me knowing that he still loves me and him knowing that I don't want him in that way?

I don't think you should do this. I don't personally think you can, or even should try, to "build a life" with a man you are not sexually attracted to. Marriage is not primarily a business relationship, it is about sharing...

Jesus - NO!

Perform 'duties'?

You are basically selling yourself here. You can have a decent life, nice house, whatever else, a father for your son. But at what price? Performing 'duties'? Seriously, can you see what you are saying?

You are selling yourself and your happiness for this chance of a 'better life'. It won't be better.

DO NOT SETTLE. Find someone you love and who you want and who wants you equally. I would rather be poor and in love, then rich in a loveless relationship.

Say it like you wrote it.

He would never feel secure in an unequal relationship anyway, always worrying about you meeting someone you loved more. Tell him he's such a good bloke that he deserves much more than you can give him.

You have just got to tell him-have you built up his hopes that something might happen?

TBH it sounds as if communication between you isn't all it could be anyway, as most men would guess whether you fancy them or not- you don't go from being a friend to full blown sex without some kissing and hand holding! if you haven't done that with him, how can he think you want a sexual relationship?

I don't understand you really- you are worried about telling him you see him only as a friend- something that almost everyone must have experienced in a relationship- BUT you would still consider marrying him when you don't fancy him?

Has he actually asked you to marry him?

You have got to be honest- let the man be free to meet a woman who fancies the pants off him. I suspect because of the age gap he has put you on a pedestal and is not really wanting to face reality- or that you have maybe inadvertently given him some hope- surely he can't be that blind to the truth?

One more thing- you asked how you could continue with him loving you and you feeling as you do- well, that is HIS choice.

You have simply got to face facts- you may not be able to have it all. if he can't manage to see you when he knows how you really feel ( though to my mind he must be very unintelligent emotionally if he doesn't know already) then you will just have to live with that.

Surely you aren't willing to hang onto him because of what you get out of it- even though you don't want him in a physical way? That is just selfish- you have to be prepared to lose him as a friend, and let him love someone else if that is his choice.

He knows I'm not his type, he's admitted this, but he's still prepared to give a relationship a go.

He's also said that he'd never totally trust me - I've had a few boyfriends over the past 6 years and he knows I'm a very sexual person.

We have been fairly close: hugs, the odd kiss here and there, we've even slept in the same bed and cuddled, but nothing more. He's my soulmate and I'm totally at ease in his presense.

He did ask me to marry him about 6/7 years ago. I basically thought he was joking and said no.

Even after all these things, he tells me he loves me and can't live without me - he's tried that numerous times and always ended getting back in touch.

He knows he's not my type, rather.

From what you have said, this man is living in a fantasy world. Remember that he is almost 50 - he might think you are his last chance.

I do feel for you, but IMO you are prlonging the agony for both of you, by not making yourself very clear to him.

He CAN live without you, and in a way, it is emotional blackmail for him to put that kind of pressure on you-can you see that? He knows you don't fancy him, but he is still persisting.

You need to be brave and let go. This is not the 19th century when women looked to a man to provide for them, and agreed to lie back and think of England in return!

I do understand how you want him as a friend, but sometimes in the case of unrequited love this is not possible, as one party finds it too painful.

I honestly think if he really cared for you, he would back off, accept what you have said and not plead his case so much - he knows you are vulnerable and want his friendship, and possibly the material wealth he could offer, but he should be mature enough to know that there is not enough between you to make it work as a marriage.

If he can't back off, maybe you have to make the break- or at least make it very clear to him how you feel.

Thank you all for your wise words.

I spoke to him yesterday explaining how I feel. He said he understands and will "deal with it".

We agreed to continue our friendship as we're important to one another and couldn't see our lives without each other in it.

I'm pretty sceptical as we've been in this "cooling down" period many times in the past.

I really believe it's sadly a no-win situation.

you could just get drunk, shag him and see if any chemistry arises?!!

Have sex with him.

Then see if you are interested to do it again.

it is only no-win if you allow it to be. Do you think that you are the one who has to take charge of boundaries?

As I said in my other post, you might have to accept that you will lose something of the friendship, but that's life.

It is very hard- maybe impossible- to have a platonic friendship when one other party wants more- this is a very common problem!

I think your friend needs to wake up and be realistic- surely he would be better disentangling himself a little and trying to find a woman who loves him in every way?

But you need to be strong and not get sucked in because of your own needs.

You're right.

Material wealth isn't everything.
My son isn't lacking in love.
We both deserve to be happy.

I have come to my senses.

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and advice!

I hope you manage to make the break- this man should back off when he knows how you feel- it's not fair on you to expect more than you are able to give.

I know you want him as friend, but we can't always have exactly what we want- and you need to do the best for you, so that you get what you REALLY want in the long term.