Relationship falling apart

[thekewgirl]

I’ll try to keep this short (ish!) so may leave some stuff out but only to keep it readable.

DH and I were both married before. DH has 2 children who are adults now and I have 3 who are teens now. When we got together DH was pretty open about the 5 yr affair he had during his first marriage but said it was during a period where she was having affairs too and their marriage had been over for a while. (Bit of a red flag I ignored).

Our relationship is almost like in 2 parts. First 5 years we didn’t live together but saw each other an increasing amount of time - to the point that he would spend half the week with me and half in his house. During this period DH totally love bombed me with the most amazing thoughtful gifts / trips. My children liked him and our blended family was brilliant - holidays together and we had a lot of fun. He was supportive when my parents died with 12 months of each other. We married during this 5yr phase.

2020 came along and DH moved in with me permanently, quit his job and started his own business. It was Covid and I am working full time as well as trying to homeschool kids (2 of whom are neuro diverse), I was still grieving my parents death and had some other problems with my ex husband. DH and i had also made a financial investment largely with my inheritance and it was not going well. Added to this I realised how lazy DH is in the house - I do everything. Essentially the effort he put in when he was just visiting my house disappeared. His children also stopped speaking to me and to this day I don’t know why. I have tried (and cried) asking him why but he either doesnt want to ask them - or he knows and won’t tell me. I’ve not seen them in about 3 years and I am no longer invited to events on that side. He has also been drinking heavily and tells me last minute that he is going away to either visit his kids or go on trips alone. He never tells me when he is coming back. I am just expected to accept his lack of planning and to be honest, I now have. I don’t really care when he goes away for work or for how long. I just rely on myself and focus on my children, work and house.

A few months ago he went away and left his iPad which was pinging. So I looked at it. He has started an emotional affair with someone he works with and they’ve met up a few times for dinner and to moan about their partners. He has tried to get her to meet him for a weekend (at his expense) and they are still planning to meet up. The worst part though is the way he has portrayed me. He has lied about so many things and essentially said I am a money grabbing, cold, heartless bitch who has ignored him for the last 5 years and has had an affair (I haven’t - it’s laughable to even think I would have the time or energy and besides that’s just not me). There are so many outright lies in there, it couldn’t even be that he just sees things differently.

I also read the last few messages with one of his children where it’s clear he has told them I am horrible to him and I have betrayed him in the past. There are also references to being ‘allowed’ to visit them. This is total bullshit as my only issue is that I ideally wanted to know what his plans were. Clearly he has been misleading people about me and now I think I can guess why my relationship with his kids broke down. All of this while he is trying to persuade me to get a new puppy and talks about the future.

Its made me look back and now I see things a little clearer. I’ve always had a bit of a doubt about his faithfulness but I put it down to maybe some jealousy on my part. I also now feel ashamed that I believed everything he said about his ex wife. He is lying about me now so perhaps the whole “she had affairs” was a load of rubbish. He has to be a good liar to have a 5 yr affair during his first marriage doesn’t he?

This is where I am now… I’ve not said anything and I am biding my time. My kids still like him and he works away for a month at a time so I don’t see him a lot. There is so much distance between us but we are pleasant to each other when he is home. I just feel stuck and not quite ready for the fallout of splitting up. I also want to wait and see if he genuinely does meet this other woman and I assume their emotional affair will develop at that point. But that’s just me doubting myself and worrying I will split us up based on just words. I know he will tell me he was lonely and never had any intention of doing anything. But it feels like I am just hurting myself even more.

I’d divorce him. Sorry OP but his lack of engagement in household chores is enough to seal it, let alone all the other stuff. You have let yourself get conditioned over time to accept his behaviour. Plus what kind of relationship dynamics is this teaching your kids? That it’s ok for the woman to do everything in the home? That is ok for their mum to be treated this way?

What are you waiting for? It doesn't change a thing and he is not who have been led to believe he is.

Get evidence of his exchanges with the OW if you haven't already.

Then if you can, reach out to his ex-wife.

Gather intelligence and prepare to leave him.

Then share the evidence of the OW with his family!!!!

Walk away. You deserve so much better.

I’ve collected 75 screen shots in a hidden folder on my phone. I don’t really know what stops me. Everyone likes him and he can be fun to be around. But I’ve realised a lot of things are on his terms and he seems to like to play the victim to people. It’s certainly how he got me so hooked. I felt bad he had been in such a hurtful relationship with his first wife

@jeaux90- when I explicitly ask he will do something like mop the floor he does it really well and thoroughly. But I always need to ask… and he will often say ‘later’ when then doesn’t roll round. Yeah I do realise it’s not a great example to my kids who are all still at home. Not sure they overly notice though

"invested" your inheritance? Don't say this is in joint, or even his, name/s?

Now you know what kind of man he is, you should seriously consider divorcing him. I'm sure if you spoke to his first wife then she'd have a similar story to you, he's the common denominator, he's the problem

@Negroany- yes joint . It all seemed like such a great idea as we were on a high at the time. I am such a people pleaser to my detriment in this case

@Shoxfordian- yeah it’s only now I have read all the lies about me that’s it’s made me think it could all be an exaggerated twist on what actually happened

It definitely sounds like it, he's lying to everyone- he's lied to this new girl about you. If he gets with her after you divorce him, he'll eventually meet some other girl and lie to her as well. Its a pattern

@Shoxfordian- yeah it seems like it. I am just so unsure why I seem to need more proof? I think I doubt myself and I think he would explain all this away as him genuinely seeing things in the way he portrays it and he is reaching out for support.

It doesn't matter what he says. If you want to split, for any reason, you split.

You don't even need to tell him what you've found. You can go for a "no fault" divorce.

I think the bottom line is that you don’t want this to be happening which is why you want there to be some more proof. It is absolutely heartbreaking and awful to go through, regardless if he’s done anything with the OW.

He seems pretty horrible & manipulative. Telling his kids those things about you is unforgivable. Definitely use your time to get organised as I have no doubt he’ll be as awkward as possible. He’s already telling people it’s all your fault and that’s his narrative. Why should he give you anything when everything is your fault?!

What did you invest the money in and how much was it? Can you manage without it if need be? If it was invested in his company, then that becomes part of the divorce pot so don’t let him try to ignore it. Equally, get as much financial information as you can prior to telling him you want to split (when you get there) as he may go out and blow all the business money to attempt to reduce assets so you get nothing. These sorts will see themselves go without if it means the evil wife doesn’t get her hands on his money.

Take care & sorry you’re going through this.

@Lolapusht- it was a lot of money. 6 figures… but the asset invested in (not his business) has gone up in value so the money is not lost. but it does mean it’s effectively half his. I can survive without this money.

His emotional affair partner has told him to set him a new business to ‘hide’ money from me. She also has her own business. I’ve read all this in texts. He has also said our marriage is dead and he keeps saying to her that he is done.

i think my reluctance is that I have no family and my kids have no real extended family either. When my marriage was good - we had such a great blended family and my kids loved it! I really wanted that to last. But I need to be realistic now. The last time we were all in the same venue together his children (late twenties / early thirties) didn’t speak to me or my kids (there were a lot of people there so it wasn’t obvious to others). It was pretty upsetting.

I would never put my children against someone by being so mean. Do you think there is ever any justification telling his adult child how unhappy he is with me (and his incorrect accusation of adultery)?? Perhaps he thought he just needed support (if he believed it to be true?)

I guarantee you (and I was a lone parent for many years) life will be happier and more peaceful without him in it. Lawyer up OP and bite the bullet

Oh yes. You are living with the enemy. How dare he call you money grabbing when it's him having used your inheritance.

I would lawyer up asap. He's a manipulative twat and you need to get rid of him. Ask the sollicitor if there is a way that you can get back investment in percentage of your original investment.

Oh my op he has been planting seeds his children to start with , why couldn't he have the balls to just finish your marriage and move on, no he wouldn't do that op he likes the game months of playing his sick game reeling people in op, this is who he is, sick,

Please you don't need anymore proof op, but what you need to do is , be one step in front of him, do not tell him you know for now, you need an exit plan, you need to collect any /all information financial, plan were you can live, afford, have this ready, furnished, have all DD details so you can drop your name of them but only when you leave, have ou got a separate account keep topping it up,
Legal advice re investment,

You can start divorce process on line, gov.uk, but only send paperwork on the day you leave,
Do not give any details of you new home ,
Only correspond via email,

Move out when he's at work, leave new email for him to contact you, means changing telephone numbers you and children, hit it were it hurts op,

You see he thinks he is being clever right now and oh my God he was with x wife, he's been planning this gor months now with roping his children

so let him carry on being clever op ( he's not )
You need to pull the rug from underneath him op,

Roll with it for now until you have things in place,

Thread here last year think her name was ' Jessica ' not sure, but she pulled a blinder, she planned and played it amazingly, xh didn't have a clue,

Use your strength and power,

For me, the lies about me would be so much worse than a physical affair. That level of lying involves a cunning, evil mind and I would never tolerate a person like that in my life. And if he is saying “he is done with the marriage”, what other sign do you need, OP?! He is done with you. Pull the trigger while you have the advantage of knowing his feelings now.

@Omgblueskys - he lives in my house so I won’t be going but I will seek legal advice for sure now. Thanks for your reply

@PolyCat - yeah it’s the lying that’s really done it for to me. I feel a huge sense of injustice that people out there think of me so badly. I opened up my home and my family and I embraced his children so much. And yet they must think I am nasty. My hesitation is perhaps he is in my house and I need to be cautious. Also there is a pathetic side of me that sees him as this man with low self esteem who perhaps sees the marriage is coming to an end and needs to build up this narrative that he is hard done by so people rally round him…. Even if it means throwing me under the bus. I have no evidence that his lies / manipulation is what stopped his kids from speaking to me, but it’s now the only thing that makes sense. He has always been reluctant to make any kind of plans ahead of time and so I think his kids felt they weren’t seeing him. I now possibly see a scenario why he has indicated I am not allowing him to see them. That would explain the reference in one of the text messages I read about being ‘alllowed’ to see them more if we split.

What a mess and what a nasty piece of work he is. You need to plan and keep taking photos of his messages.

You need to see a solicitor and formulate a plan.
Can you get the money out which youve invested?

You should look upon that i pad being left behind as a blessing.
Absolutely do not feel sorry for this lying ,deceitful, manipulating nasty piece of work , he is your enemy ,he doesn't love you, does he even care about you ?
Get things in order asap, get some advice regards the inheritance, then let him know you know and get him out .
Sod his low self esteem , he doesn't deserve your kindness.
Make plans for a peaceful future that is yours and your children's only and be grateful he tripped himself up ,start feeling angry !!!

While he’s away, gather together everything you can about his finances and his business. Make sure that all the stuff you have found on the iPad is backed up in a second location he can’t access.

Talk to a lawyer and make sure that this investment is properly ring-fenced and that he can’t do you out of your share. And then get the divorce going and kick him out. He’s a user and the best revenge is to get rid and live well, on your timetable rather than his.

I’m sorry OP. He’s a shit and you deserve so much better than this.

This is an awful spineless man, waste no sympathy on him.
Protect your kids and yourself and leave him! He will soon move on to his next victim. I would definitely let his children know of his lying, he sounds very manipulative.

I'd pack his shit up and change the locks while he was away. Text his kids and say his stuff is in the front garden. I wouldn't even speak to him at all except for via lawyers.

@ByQuaintAzureWasp - it can’t get the investment money juts yet. It needs to be sold first but half (at least) is securely mine