Argument over a £1

[ForGentleBeaker]

Years ago my best friend and her husband ran into severe financial difficulties and were going to lose their home. I was pregnant, hormonal, emotional, my head was all over the place, and I desperately wanted to help them.
At that time I had no money but we owned a property in an absolute rundown part of London - my husband purchased it with a gift from his parents and I was added to the deeds after we were married.
Long story short, my attempt to help my friend went awry, and my husband had to sell the property. The property is worth an absolute fortune now. The whole area has undergone gentrification, and we missed out on the crazy London property boom.

My husband doesn't ever want to discuss and I had thought we had put it behind us. I have immense guilt.

Last week, whilst grocery shopping with him, I exchange a premium product for a store brand, and he went ballistic. He started mumbling about why I was saving pennies when I happlynlissed away so much trying to help my friend.

In the car, I was called a jumped up bitch, and he spent the journey home ranting at me for making him sell the property; being a SAHM when the children were younger; spending money; and diminishing his role and magnifying mine.

He is refusing to speak to me because he doesnt want to listen to the verbal diarrhea coming out of my mouth - his words.

I don't know where we go from here. We have 3 children, and he is an excellent father, and husband, till now. It seems he has been harbouring this resent towards me but there is nothing I can do.

How much did you lend them? And what the hell were you playing at?

You didn’t have the money. You got into debt to lend them money. Why? Who taught you that was a good idea.

I’d divorce you. I can’t believe he stayed with you.

No, the word is perfectly fitting

Lots of people here have been pregnant, hormonal and emotional. None of that is an excuse for this batshittery. It wasn't a spur of the moment poor decision.

Her husband was against it. So she had time to discuss it and go against him on a decision that impacted both of them
She then had time to either visit a bank or do an online form.

She has since had time and money for therapy for her, but not to earn any money. Bless her though, she is anxious

Ok, I’m going to bite because I’m procrastinating and can’t be arsed to do what I’m supposed to be doing but this is all totally bollocks
If I take it at face value, your ‘friend’ was in financial trouble. Your husband didn’t want you to lend said ‘friend’ any money. You did anyway. You then had to sell your house and now you’re upset that your husband has called you a bitch. Well, in your husband’s shoes, I’d have called you more than a bitch, just before handing you divorce papers.
It’s all bollocks though

So, he bailed you out, he's got money worries and is sick to death of penny pinching. He's also carrying the financial load. It sounds he's at the end of his tether and I can understand why. I'm not sure how you can find your way out of this tbh.

Out of curiosity, why aren't you employed, there IS a reason?

There is definitely something odd about the financials here. The differential between what the bank would lend the OP on an unsecured personal loan and the value of the property, even in a ‘ghetto’, is way off.

Tbf I am wondering how a SAHM was able to get a big loan like that on her own.

I don’t understand how it’s just occurred to you that he’s been worried about his job in the last 6 months. He must hold so much resentment for worrying about money and knowing he would’ve been safe if he had that property.

You made a very big mistake and you seem to know this. We all make mistakes. But what I dont understand why you were a sahm - a huge luxury when you could’ve been earning.

You seem either deeply naive or hugely dismissive. Even your thread title doesn’t make sense as it’s not over a pound.

These are the types of things that would build huge resentment in me.

The labour of domestic work and childcare doesn't make up for losing an asset that hugely appreciated in value. If that were true, all SAHMs and women who do the bulk of that would be owed an additional house to the one they live in.

I'd say we're not hearing the half of it. If it was actually an unsecured loan to a SAHM, it's unlikely they needed to sell a house to clear it.
I think in reality the OP put up the London house as collateral against the husband's agreement, and therefore the house needed to be sold.

this will be the only thread in the history of MN where people advise that the husband leaves her OR find another woman/ affair partner

Hmmm. Not sure. I seem to remember the mat leave mum, who wanted her husband to leave the house via the living room window every morning on his way to work to avoid waking her, engendered some fairly strong responses. .

@ComtesseDeSpair I owned an inherited property many years ago. I foolishly took out a personal unsecured loan in my name for an abusive ex partner (I was young and daft). He of course stopped the repayments to me that he promised. I defaulted on the loan as I couldn’t afford the monthly repayments. It went to court and I received a CCJ. I agreed to much smaller monthly payments which I could meet and eventually repaid the loan. At no point was my property taken into account or ordered by the court to be sold to repay the debt. Maybe because I offered to pay something each month? The OP could have done that? It was over thirty years ago so maybe things are different now? Surely there would be no point in having unsecured and secured loans if banks could just treat unsecured loans as secured loans when someone owns a property?

It’s not misogyny to suggest the OP should have worked rather than staying at home with her DC. It’s actually the opposite of misogyny because she would be much better off and less vulnerable to the whims of her DH if she did so. Childcare costs should be shared so she should not have had to pay them alone on her income. I might have missed it, but did the OP give the ages of her DC? You mention there would have been 2x nursery fees to pay but with the ‘right’ age gap one may have been at school whilst the other was at nursery so the family would not have been paying 2 lots of childcare at once.

Anyway the OP absolutely should have been working for no other reason than the fact she put her family in financial dire straits. Aside from that, I would always encourage a woman to work if possible after having DC as the long term impact of an employment gap is quite serious. Her lack of NI contributions will likely affect her state pension and for obvious reasons OP really should not be relying on her DH to support her in old age.

Women have been being pregnant for centuries without fucking over their families financially.

Frankly it’s ridiculous that being a woman essentially exempts you of all behaviours on here. PMT/on period/pregnant/peri/menopausal, is it any wonder that so many people constantly accuse women of being hormonal?

The two are unrelated.

Lots of people were commenting that OP should not have been a stay at home mum when her children were nursery age so that she could begin to pay back her husband.

I think people who think this should work out the salary you need pre tax to send two children to nursery full time.

That was not best intentions, that was stupid intentions.

You don’t take out such a huge loan on behalf of friends who are facing financial issues which means their credit and finances are already so bad that they can’t get the loans themselves.

And her husband was against it yet she went ahead despite the fact that she doesn’t work or have any means to pay it back when not if her friends default.

What happened to “only lend money you can afford to lose”?

Sorry this was a very stupid ridiculous decision to make so whilst I don’t agree with her DH’s choice of words, I get his anger and resentment.

My husband is neither an idiot nor an absolute waste of the space he occupies. So he is fine, thanks for asking

I'm not sure she had a lot of earning potential to be honest. She has made life choices which present her as incredibly stupid, potentially deceitful, lazy and lacking in integrity. She is no ideal employee. I presume that's you are a SAHM and are taking this personally as financial insecurity in others who do nothing for a living makes you feel vulnerable.

He may not have much of a pension if he had to fully support 3 children and this loser.

I hope he has fun with someone younger and hotter if he can't afford to divorce her. Literally the only time in my life I have ever thought this. But the poor man deserves some happiness

It was more of a response to the poster or two who were saying that she made up the cost of the lost property through being a SAHM, as if they are now no worse off than they'd be otherwise.

Im sorry , but if the roles were reversed people would be screaming to leave and applauding her for calling the H a bitch

You always encourage women to work.

That is actually the point.

Being a sahm is somehow looked down on in our society.

Depends if she disclosed she was pregnant to the lending bank. Is that even a question that is asked? She says in the OP she was pregnant and hormonal, not that she was about to give birth. She could have been very early stages of pregnancy, thinking she had at least 7/8 months to repay it - and in any event, believing she wouldn't be repaying it, her friend would.

Of course it would actually be helpful if the OP filled in some of this detail, but I don't suppose she will be, much better to paint her husband as the irrational/abusive one!

😲 I definitely didn't read that one.

The OP has said the house wasn't collateral, it was unsecured.

That. No wonder he's frustrated.

I'm not excusing the way he spoke to you, but if I'd had to sell my house because my husband made a large loan to his friend, I'd be incandescent with fury.

He's obviously been trying to keep a lid on his feelings about it, and then something small let it all out.

I think you need couples counselling. But I don't think he's unreasonable to still be resentful about it

Op I’d disagree this is the script- I’d guess there’s reminders all the time about how much money you could have had now, how much you both lost etc. I’d guess he gets belted in the face by it regularly and it was at the forefront of his mind that particular day and it all came out. As others have said not ok what he said to you but you both need to see if you can move on from this x

I am sorry that you have had to pay such a heavy price for your act of generosity and kindness. It’s rotten luck that the property has increased in value so much as it must be a constant thorn in the side for your husband.

Forgiveness is not forgiveness if he is throwing it back in your face years later. I do understand his point of view but if he can’t get over it then you have no option but to separate really. You can’t live your life having a well-intentioned mistake held over you all the time.