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Original poster

Argument over a £1

1000 replies

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 08:57

Years ago my best friend and her husband ran into severe financial difficulties and were going to lose their home. I was pregnant, hormonal, emotional, my head was all over the place, and I desperately wanted to help them.
At that time I had no money but we owned a property in an absolute rundown part of London - my husband purchased it with a gift from his parents and I was added to the deeds after we were married.
Long story short, my attempt to help my friend went awry, and my husband had to sell the property. The property is worth an absolute fortune now. The whole area has undergone gentrification, and we missed out on the crazy London property boom.

My husband doesn't ever want to discuss and I had thought we had put it behind us. I have immense guilt.

Last week, whilst grocery shopping with him, I exchange a premium product for a store brand, and he went ballistic. He started mumbling about why I was saving pennies when I happlynlissed away so much trying to help my friend.

In the car, I was called a jumped up bitch, and he spent the journey home ranting at me for making him sell the property; being a SAHM when the children were younger; spending money; and diminishing his role and magnifying mine.

He is refusing to speak to me because he doesnt want to listen to the verbal diarrhea coming out of my mouth - his words.

I don't know where we go from here. We have 3 children, and he is an excellent father, and husband, till now. It seems he has been harbouring this resent towards me but there is nothing I can do.

OP posts:
SoScarletItWas · 30/08/2025 13:57

LesCigaresVolants · 30/08/2025 13:48

My assumption is that, at the time of the friend's request, she was working and pregnant with their first child, so she did have a job/income with which to secure a loan. But she then stopped working when she had her child and was unable to pay back the monthly loan payments because the friend wasn't paying her.

Show quote history

Quite possibly. But that’s even more confusing as to why she was approved for a loan when she was about to go on maternity leave and any income was about to drop.

pizzaHeart · 30/08/2025 13:58

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 30/08/2025 09:48

How much money are we talking?

I honestly think if a man had forced his wife to sell her house to fix his financial issues everyone would be screaming LTB.

Edited

This^
I do think you should have put this behind you by now but it seems the resentment hasn’t been resolved.
Did you talk about it?
P.S. I can’t imagine my partner borrowing money to help friends. It would be the end of relationship for me if he even wanted to do this.

Robin67 · 30/08/2025 13:58

AnnaSunshine · 30/08/2025 13:48

I was actually thinking how engrained misogyny is in our society that so many women made negative comments about a mother staying with her nursery age children.

Being at that stage, I’d welcome anyone to work through the income someone would need to have 2 children in a London nursery pre tax. There is a massive flaw in our society’s set up here.

Re: comments on value of the loan taken out, I think you’ll see I said that…..

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Maybe her best friend in the whole wide world who was more important than her husband in her mind at this point could have paid her back in childcare

SummerFrog25 · 30/08/2025 13:58

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 30/08/2025 09:59

This sounds like the straw that broke the camel’s back.

you went into debt for what I’d hope is your now ex friend, she didn’t pay you back, and because of that your DH had to sell his property?

can just imagine this the other way round.

Anyone who borrows money to give to someone who clearly already struggles to manage money is an idiot.

No need to be so horrible. She was oregnant, hormonal. Emotional & her friend was about to lose her home. Yes, she probably wasn't in a financial position to do what she did, but she did it with the best of intentions, she has now (many years later) been treated very badly by her husband. She doesn't need you calling her an idiot ! Behave.

shuggles · 30/08/2025 13:58

@SoScarletItWas I’m going to wager that the ‘unpaid financial labour’ contributed is a drop in the ocean compared to the cost of a house.

Stay at home parents don't do unpaid financial labour. The payment is the other person's income, which gives the stay at home parent a place to live and pays their bills.

It's a mutually beneficial agreement which both parents agree to.

CustardySergeant · 30/08/2025 13:58

SoScarletItWas · 30/08/2025 13:57

Quite possibly. But that’s even more confusing as to why she was approved for a loan when she was about to go on maternity leave and any income was about to drop.

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Probably because the house was collateral.

ComtesseDeSpair · 30/08/2025 13:58

Franpie · 30/08/2025 13:51

I was thinking this too.

The personal loan can’t have been that massive as OP was a SAHM and the loan wasn’t secured. So it can’t have been more than £15k surely? Why would you sell a property to clear such a small loan that’s not even secured on the property? Far better to default on the loan.

Some bad financials decisions all round I think.

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Defaulting leading to a CCJ doesn’t mean the debt disappears, a CCJ is a court order for its repayment. If the recipient of said CCJ has the means to do so - as OP did, as the co-owner of a property - it would have then been court ordered that the property be sold to repay the debt, but with court fees added on top of the existing sum. DH will have made a decision to sell it themselves and avoid both that and the repercussions of having a CCJ.

Dragonflydancer · 30/08/2025 13:59

Just because the husband bought a London property doesn't mean they live in London. In fact reading between the lines i dont think they do

SoScarletItWas · 30/08/2025 14:00

AnnaSunshine · 30/08/2025 13:56

@SoScarletItWas

I was trying to think through the financials for myself. I know this is very minimal, but gives a bit of a reference.

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It’s all very odd. I also wonder where they moved to after the house had to be sold. Are they renting, which would drive his resentment further, or did they stay on the property ladder?

BuckChuckets · 30/08/2025 14:01

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 12:23

I feel immense guilt and suffered from anxiety and depression. I realise I have made everyone's life more difficult, and I feel particularly upset about how this will affect our children. I had to have therapy to deal with this but, there is nothing I can do.

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Did you have an official agreement with your friend (small claims court), I assume you're not longer friends or they could have been paying you monthly, have you done what you can to improve your own career/prospects, started a side business? Etc etc

There's lots you could do that's more practical than feel sad and get therapy.

HOWEVER, it's no excuse for your husband to be abusive.

SoScarletItWas · 30/08/2025 14:02

CustardySergeant · 30/08/2025 13:58

Probably because the house was collateral.

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No, she’s said it was unsecured but the only way they (she) could pay it back was to sell the house to raise the money.

Foundress · 30/08/2025 14:02

@Franpie Exactly!
@HK04 the OP states that the loan was personal and unsecured. Therefore the bank can’t ‘go after’ anything. If the loan had been secured against the London property with her name on the deeds then that’s a different matter but we can only go by what the OP stated. This is the reason people get into financial bother by not knowing the difference between unsecured and secured loans.

Isthathowlongitsbeen · 30/08/2025 14:02

heroinechic · 30/08/2025 13:16

I don’t give a shit what she did frankly. She could have shagged the entire England football team in front of him for all I care. He made the decision to stay in the marriage and have a number of children. He doesn’t get to weaponise her error of judgement against her for the rest of her life, and beat her round the head with it whenever he gets hurty feelings. There is no excuse for that tirade of abuse years after the fact. If my DH said those things to me it’d be the last conversation we had.

If he’s cross about this years on, he’ll be incandescent when he realises he’ll be losing at least half if he carries on.

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But he isn’t “weaponising it for the rest of her life” or “beating her around the head with it whenever he gets hurty feelings” in the OPs telling. That is your embellishment. You do see that, don’t you?

This is a major issue for their marriage. Hugely loaded and emotional. It’s clearly resurfaced suddenly and unexpectedly. Absolutely legitimate for it to be discussed. Even in anger, if need be.

The OPs had therapy to cope
with this remember, it’s that severe. The husband is entitled to react and respond in his own way. And to expect proper engagement from his wife.

Silvers11 · 30/08/2025 14:03

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 10:02

He didn't want to lend them anything. His logic was that people who get into money troubles are never able to resolve them.

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Well he was right and you should have listened to him at the time. It's never ok to speak to someone in the way he spoke to you - but I can very much understand how pissed off he must be. You should be very angry with yourself too. Instead you sound quite laid back about not getting the money back? So perhaps your attitude is fueling the fire?

I'm sorry this happened to you, but I have to be honest and say that if my husband had done something like this to me he'd have been an ex in vewry short order. Although it wouldn't have got that far as I wouldn't have bailed him out and there would be no way I would have sold the house to help him either

Hoppinggreen · 30/08/2025 14:04

SummerFrog25 · 30/08/2025 13:58

No need to be so horrible. She was oregnant, hormonal. Emotional & her friend was about to lose her home. Yes, she probably wasn't in a financial position to do what she did, but she did it with the best of intentions, she has now (many years later) been treated very badly by her husband. She doesn't need you calling her an idiot ! Behave.

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At a minimum she behaved in an idiotic way

CustardySergeant · 30/08/2025 14:04

SoScarletItWas · 30/08/2025 14:02

No, she’s said it was unsecured but the only way they (she) could pay it back was to sell the house to raise the money.

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Yes, I realised after I'd posted. Sorry about that.

ComtesseDeSpair · 30/08/2025 14:04

Foundress · 30/08/2025 14:02

@Franpie Exactly!
@HK04 the OP states that the loan was personal and unsecured. Therefore the bank can’t ‘go after’ anything. If the loan had been secured against the London property with her name on the deeds then that’s a different matter but we can only go by what the OP stated. This is the reason people get into financial bother by not knowing the difference between unsecured and secured loans.

But regardless of whether the debt was secured on the property, OP co-owned an asset, because she was on the deeds of the property. That asset would have been ordered sold to repay the debt, had OP defaulted and then allowed it to reach CCJ stage.

AnnaSunshine · 30/08/2025 14:06

AnnaSunshine · 30/08/2025 09:38

Oh my goodness, what a tough position you must have been in at the time.

I can understand why he felt frustrated at the time. At the same time, he does need to work through those feelings.

That is a tricky conversation to have with him.

You know your husband, so you know how he works. If my husband unexpectedly had an outpouring of emotion, I know he would need time to process it before I spoke to him.

When I had given him that time, I would want to ask him if he was okay and if anything had happened recently that I wasn’t aware of. Could he possibly be feeling worried about money? Or have been working on financial planning for your family’s future?

I would be prepared to listen and in the moment absorb some frustration or anger. He needs to express it (as long as healthily) .

I would then make sure that I was very clear that the situation in the past was something you could not change and that you felt it was unhelpful to your relationship today to continue to reference it.

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I still think this.

If you were in OP’s position, what would you all do next?

heroinechic · 30/08/2025 14:06

Robin67 · 30/08/2025 13:49

He absolutely does get to berate her every single day they are married. I would, and then some. She deserves his rage. She hasn't done this to me and yet I am furious, so I can't imagine how he must feel.

If he divorces her pitiful ass, i doubt he will be worse off as he will no longer have to carry her financially in terms of bills and food etc. He will be free of her. Once youngest is 18, he won't have to pay anything ( I presume, i don't know), to her. I doubt her earning potential is great so she will be far worse off.

Oh, and he can also put what he wants in the trolley.

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He absolutely does get to berate her every single day they are married. I would, and then some.

No, that would be domestic abuse and it’s a criminal offence. Do we need to send help for your DH? Besides which, why would you want to live like that? Wouldn’t you have left at the time?

You highlight some fantastic reasons why OP should go for more than half. You’re right, she sacrificed her earning potential to be a SAHM for their three children. She and they will need to be appropriately housed. I wonder if he topped up her pension while she was out of work? Better look into that too…

heroinechic · 30/08/2025 14:08

AnnaSunshine · 30/08/2025 14:06

I still think this.

If you were in OP’s position, what would you all do next?

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Well, considering this happened last week and he still isn’t talking to her I’d ask him whether he plans to leave or get a grip.

gamerchick · 30/08/2025 14:09

I can sort of see his point. You didn't work, do you work now? If you don't then I'd probably get on that.

However I'm a shit of get off the pot type. You fucked up but you can't change the past and he can't resent you or punish you forever. Maybe there is no salvaging this but I wouldn't put up being abused like that.

Firstholiday · 30/08/2025 14:09

@ForGentleBeaker I think you need to get your own ducks in a row and split as amicably as possible. Im in London and what id have given to have inherited a place, I just dont think id forgive my partner.

AnnaSunshine · 30/08/2025 14:09

heroinechic · 30/08/2025 14:08

Well, considering this happened last week and he still isn’t talking to her I’d ask him whether he plans to leave or get a grip.

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Stonewalling is remarkably common because we don’t teach emotional regulation very well….

…someone who knows more correct me, but it can be a way to protect yourself as well as having time to process, right?

WaitWhatWhatWait · 30/08/2025 14:10

AnnaSunshine · 30/08/2025 13:48

I was actually thinking how engrained misogyny is in our society that so many women made negative comments about a mother staying with her nursery age children.

Being at that stage, I’d welcome anyone to work through the income someone would need to have 2 children in a London nursery pre tax. There is a massive flaw in our society’s set up here.

Re: comments on value of the loan taken out, I think you’ll see I said that…..

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She could do what a lot of us have to do, work shifts so that you alternate with other parent & avoid childcare costs where possible.

Ringdoorbell2 · 30/08/2025 14:10

AnnaSunshine · 30/08/2025 11:57

An aside that could actually be worth it’s own post.

There are lots of posts telling OP that she should not have been a SAHM and should have gone back to work to earn back the debt.

The costs of sending children to nursery (in London?) are astronomical. Put aside all the invisible household labour I’m sure she completed, this is a huge financial contribution.

That isn’t remotely comparable.

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