Argument over a £1

[ForGentleBeaker]

Years ago my best friend and her husband ran into severe financial difficulties and were going to lose their home. I was pregnant, hormonal, emotional, my head was all over the place, and I desperately wanted to help them.
At that time I had no money but we owned a property in an absolute rundown part of London - my husband purchased it with a gift from his parents and I was added to the deeds after we were married.
Long story short, my attempt to help my friend went awry, and my husband had to sell the property. The property is worth an absolute fortune now. The whole area has undergone gentrification, and we missed out on the crazy London property boom.

My husband doesn't ever want to discuss and I had thought we had put it behind us. I have immense guilt.

Last week, whilst grocery shopping with him, I exchange a premium product for a store brand, and he went ballistic. He started mumbling about why I was saving pennies when I happlynlissed away so much trying to help my friend.

In the car, I was called a jumped up bitch, and he spent the journey home ranting at me for making him sell the property; being a SAHM when the children were younger; spending money; and diminishing his role and magnifying mine.

He is refusing to speak to me because he doesnt want to listen to the verbal diarrhea coming out of my mouth - his words.

I don't know where we go from here. We have 3 children, and he is an excellent father, and husband, till now. It seems he has been harbouring this resent towards me but there is nothing I can do.

Its not so much the loss of the potential gain that is the problem as is the going against your husband and putting an unreliable friend above your family who have been massively disadvantaged by your actions and attitude.

well maybe that is the only he can get her to pay attention to what he's saying?

How would you feel if your partner pissed away what could have been a nice nest egg?

I'm not a big fan of verbal abuse at all, but bloody hell, OP is deaf to everything so maybe that is how he gets her attention. He's stuck with her unless he wants to lose half of what he has left. All my sympathy is with the DH here, although if he does see this: pls stop the verbals and get some good sound legal advice about how to extricate yourself as cheaply as possible.

Happily a northerner, but lived in London for 25 years.

Very happy for you to rebrand areas.

I feel immense guilt and suffered from anxiety and depression. I realise I have made everyone's life more difficult, and I feel particularly upset about how this will affect our children. I had to have therapy to deal with this but, there is nothing I can do.

In a relationship when one party wants to lend someone some money from their joint finances and the other doesn't, the NO wins every time. I still cannot understand why you went ahead knowing your husband did not want to do this. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but the best way you could have helped your friend was to give her information on charities and services that could have helped her.

You keep saying there is nothing you can do, yes there is nothing you can do about what you did and the consequences of it at the time BUT you can do something NOW, you can step up and share the financial burden, you can helo to ease his anxiety and stress by doing so. Stop wallowing and make an effort to alleviate the situation you have put your family in.

OP, once again if you're reading this - you do not have to accept any type of abuse. It's not sort of ok or kind of understandable.

I’m struggling to understand why you thought taking out a large loan to help a friend was a good idea but we are where we are.

Are you still in contact with your friend?

DH was very unreasonable but I do see where he is coming from. Bet he is constantly on Rightmove and it is making him feel sick; he is bitter and needs to blame someone.

Relationship is probably over- he is always going to resent your actions (although I can see that they came from a good place).

Genuine question @ForGentleBeaker ...
Your friends got into financial difficulty, you took out a loan to give them a large sum of money (enough that needed a house to be sold to pay back) to help them out, they never repaid you for your loan, and they STILL managed to lose everything, including their house?
Where did all this money go??
Are they still friends of yours?

She’s not being verbally abused daily. Read the thread. They argued
The viciousness of his comments shocked me; he has never said anything like this before not daily abuse then. Stop making things up

He either needs to have therapy to forgive what happened, or your relationship needs to end. It’s not healthy for either of you living like that.

You cost your husband essentially his inheritance for your friend who never even bothered to repay you? You NEVER take out a loan for other people. I’d have divorced you over this honestly. Verbal abuse isn’t ok but I think he resents you and I would too. It’s insane you did this for a friend.

There's making things up and there's applying what we know to be a pattern among men who do 'viciously' abuse out of nowhere. You're cracked if you think it's a one off.

Yeah what on earth were your friends doing???

The point being - she doesn't have to live with his resentment OR his abuse. He's not here asking advice, she is.

why does he need to forgive? I know i wouldn'T.
but then i would have left as soon as she took out the loan, and i would have made sure the loan was her problem not mine

The OP said it was a one-off.

Maybe she's the one you should be calling 'cracked'?

Where are you getting "daily" verbal abuse from? The OP has made it clear her DH has barely mentioned her massive fuck up over the years, and been an excellent husband and dad. Out of the blue, he's blown up about it - prompted, it seems, by being stressed about losing his job.

He has mentioned these from time to time in the past but nothing more than a glancing comment. The viciousness of his comments shocked me; he has never said anything like this before.

You lent joint money against his wishes.
(Are you still friends with the people you lent to?)

You think it's ok to just take something he wants out of the shopping basket.

You sound a bit controlling?

And his comment that you diminish his role and magnify yours makes it seem like there might be even more to this.

I think you could both do with counselling. I would never forgive my husband for lending our joint money against my wishes, but he obviously wants to be able to forgive you.

I would agree with him.

To be honest I would have left you then, a 'personal loan' debt that he disagreed with and did not benefit from would have been deemed to be yours to uphold alone even in a divorce.

Although he probably still would have lost his house for being stupid enough to put your name on it and for the fact you had his kid.

You really did financially screw this poor man.

Your not even just woefully naive or a 'nice person' because a nice person would care about what they had done to their partner and go out of their way to fix it.

They CERTAINLY wouldn't be calling the thief a 'friend' and still defending them while still financially taking more from the victim. Then having the brass balls to manipulatively twist things ('is he being unreasonable calling me names over £1') where they try blaming him for his legitimate anger and feelings of resentment by trying pretend they are the poor victim who needed therapy not him (the one who lost everything).

Your friends didn't 'lose everything' they STOLE from you and you STOLE from him... you and your so called friend are both scammers.

I read what she’s posted, she said it was out of character, Read the thread
Not all couples have a dark dynamic of dv and or abuse. They argued, she said he has never said anything like this before. You’re trying to impose your agenda or interpretation on thread

Or maybe he genuinely loves/loved his wife and, despite being understandably fuming, couldn’t see her end up in court battling unpaid debts? Or from a more practical point of view, because her name was on the deeds of this property, he knew the courts could come after it anyway?

Listen, OP. You’re getting a very hard time on here – partly because of what you’ve done, partly because of framing as though your DH is unreasonable for kicking off about ‘£1’

However, all this aside, your DH is also an adult who is responsible for letting his own resentment build to this level. You’re right – you can’t go back in time now and fix it, nor is it ever easy (or possible) to remake that amount money for him in apology.

The past is in the past now, and you either move on together or you don’t. I suggest couples counselling as I’m not sure your DH can get past this without structured and professional help.

I don’t give a shit what she did frankly. She could have shagged the entire England football team in front of him for all I care. He made the decision to stay in the marriage and have a number of children. He doesn’t get to weaponise her error of judgement against her for the rest of her life, and beat her round the head with it whenever he gets hurty feelings. There is no excuse for that tirade of abuse years after the fact. If my DH said those things to me it’d be the last conversation we had.

If he’s cross about this years on, he’ll be incandescent when he realises he’ll be losing at least half if he carries on.

Can you understand from his point of view that if you hadn’t helped your firmed your lives would be very different.
Was it a joint decision to help the friend, if it was just yours and you haven’t discussed the repercussions then it will build up an up and blow up like it has now.

This has to be a joke or a revers