Argument over a £1

[ForGentleBeaker]

Years ago my best friend and her husband ran into severe financial difficulties and were going to lose their home. I was pregnant, hormonal, emotional, my head was all over the place, and I desperately wanted to help them.
At that time I had no money but we owned a property in an absolute rundown part of London - my husband purchased it with a gift from his parents and I was added to the deeds after we were married.
Long story short, my attempt to help my friend went awry, and my husband had to sell the property. The property is worth an absolute fortune now. The whole area has undergone gentrification, and we missed out on the crazy London property boom.

My husband doesn't ever want to discuss and I had thought we had put it behind us. I have immense guilt.

Last week, whilst grocery shopping with him, I exchange a premium product for a store brand, and he went ballistic. He started mumbling about why I was saving pennies when I happlynlissed away so much trying to help my friend.

In the car, I was called a jumped up bitch, and he spent the journey home ranting at me for making him sell the property; being a SAHM when the children were younger; spending money; and diminishing his role and magnifying mine.

He is refusing to speak to me because he doesnt want to listen to the verbal diarrhea coming out of my mouth - his words.

I don't know where we go from here. We have 3 children, and he is an excellent father, and husband, till now. It seems he has been harbouring this resent towards me but there is nothing I can do.

Have you ever apologised?

I think there are two issues from your DHs perspective:

1. You caused financial problems which he was able to resolve. Financial problems which weren’t actually yours. Do you know why you felt you had to bailout your friends? As a side matter, you must realise that isn’t a normal reaction. Did your DH support your decision to help them?
2. Had the kept the property, it would have been more valuable and you could have made a decent yield on it (after CGT).

Point 2 isn’t really an issue. The area could have equally stayed as it was, the property could have lost money, you might have sold it at some point for other reasons.

The real issue seems to be that your DH hasn’t forgiven you for point 1.

Some counselling might help you both.

There is something you could do. You could pay your husband back. Why haven’t you?

More rolling eyeballs than a Halloween party.

The OP is the kind of person who wrecks other people’s lives under the banner of being “kind.” They give away what isn’t theirs to give, dress it up as generosity, and then when it all backfires they cast themselves as the victim while everyone else gets painted as the villain. It’s not selflessness, it’s control and self-image management, with none of the responsibility that real generosity demands. It's sickening.

Lewisham is south London not east though.

Did you apologise to him for what he had to do as a result of your error?

SE13

I’m aware of that - SE postcodes are south London. South of the Thames is not considered east.

I don’t think you’re going to get an answer.

Jesus wept you don’t need to say Thank you ladies you are not compering a function. It’s condescending and smacks of pipe down there, Ladies

OP you seem comfortably resigned to the fact that there is nothing you can do. There is plenty you can do. This is resurfacing because your DH is having financial issues and is massively stressed and the cushion that you would have had - but for your largesse - is gone. What efforts have you made to help with the financial uncertainty you now face, other than buying supermarket own brand products? Are you working full time? Can you downsize your home? Sell stuff? Cut down on the DC’s activities? If you are not prepared to show your willingness to mend this then you are better off divorcing, as his attitude will not change unless your does.

Opinions can vary.

Obviously I old provided two properties, so wasn’t offering a full picture of all areas of London.

What I was trying to do was give some financial context as I think it was helpful.

East London is great though. 😊

Still not East though. Proper Sarf London is Lewisham

I am pretty sure we would have worked it out from your post

This. Sadly.

You weren't annoying me before but you are now. If women are too irrational and unfair to you, cast your pearls elsewhere. We know men like sex. We got the memo, I promise.

Look at what you have written though and all the I in it - centring it around you and your feelings about it have you ever acknowledged how this impacted him his feelings around losing his parents money or has it all been about you

Well, he was right, wasn't he?

My husband doesn't ever want to discuss

He was probably so devastated he had to mentally park it in order to go on.

He should not screaming at you. But I think many spouses would have walked a long time ago. You weren't even straightforward in your OP ("long story short") and then went on to emphasis how upset YOU were and how YOU needed therapy.

What about HIM (and possibly his parents)? Weren't they absolutely distraught by the outcome? Are your in-laws still alive? Do they know what you did?

Your husband appears to be a much better person than most. But perhaps after years of this festering and eating him up inside, the current financial insecurity he feels has just tipped him over the edge and he can't hold it inside anymore.

I see your husbands point of view. He didn’t think you should bail out your friend but you did. He then had to sell his flat to help you out. You then didn’t work during your children’s early years and so all the financial stress was on him. He’s worried about loosing his job and probably thinking ‘if I had that flat I wouldn’t care, I’d have lots of money.’ So yes, I see why he resents you.

Do you work now? Or does your anxiety stop you? How old are the kids now?

I mean how stupid can you be to get a personal loan out for a friend - if she was a proper friend she wouldn't have let you.
You took it out when you had no means to pay yourself. I am shook.

This!

They won't be bothered to pay her back. The loan was in her name. They'd rather lose the friendship.

Quite honestly, you were an absolute idiot for doing what you did - I would have been furious at the time with you, and would have ended the relationship with you. It clearly still has ramifications for your dh now, this should have been sorted between you both long ago.

I’d struggle to forgive that op.

dod you discuss taking the loan out with him? And he was against it I guess?