Husband wants me to pay back half of child benefit

[Bakersdelight]

I’d like to get some impartial perspective on a situation with my husband. We receive Child Benefit for our two children. This gets paid into our joint expenses account. My husband changed jobs 5 years ago and his salary went over the earnings threshold. I’ve been telling him for the past 5 years he needs to contact HMRC and work out repayment via a tax return and then see whether to stop receiving it, or just pay it back each year. He’s finally done his tax returns (only because he realise he could claim some relief on his pension contributions). And has had to pay approx £10k back in Child Benefit. He is now saying I owe him half of this money because I have benefitted from it as it was paid into the joint expenses account.
I feel he is being unreasonable given the amount he is asking from me and the fact that I had been asking him for 5 years to sort it out. I would be interested in what others think.

You poor poor thing. This is tipping over into financial abuse. If you pay 50/50, he needs to do housework and parenting 50/50 or you’re subsidising his career without benefiting. Don’t do that. I really hope you find your rage and tell him since he wants things so clear he can pay you back for the savings you’ve spent on your family while doing all the home stuff on mat leave, and then once he’s doing half the drop offs and pickups, meal planning, child admin, cleaning and shopping so your load is lifted to focus on your career a bit more like he has been able to, you will consider repaying him, but first he has to do his share of the last 5-10 years of housework and parenting since he’s so keen on remediating what he sees as historic imbalances and you’re all in favour. You will pick up more hours at work, take a holiday guilt free since he will need to parent 24/7 for a while to ever catch up, and maybe then he will also think about a marriage differently too.
do not transfer him a penny. Just reply instead I missed where you caught up on your share of the family load? 50/50 is 50/50, not you’re special and I am the menial house servant, what’s for dinner?

We had this. My husbands mistake and if wasn't as much but he still paid if all and also gave me more or less the same amount each month until I got a better paying job.

Shouldn’t you have some responsibility to stop the claim if you knew about this?

Is this not financial abuse?

Why should he have more money than you?

My view op is that he should pay it (his mistake) and you should be paying a proportional amount into joint account. If he earns 3 times more then he pays in 3 times more. You should also have the same amount of spare money and savings each a month. You are married, everything should be shared (savings, spare spending money and costs). Do you have equal pension contributions as well?
I would suggest you work out how much the maternity leave cost (how much of your savings were spent?) and then ask him to pay you 50% of this to you if that’s the route he wants go along!!!
You need to be a partnership. It sounds like you are being treated very poorly.

He didn’t financially support you at all when you stayed home with babies that were also his? How on earth did he justify that?

Well this explains why this is in Relationships and not Money.

How much of your savings did 2 maternity leaves cost you? Is he aware that he would have d had to care for the children full time without you? Did he take any paternity leave? Have you in fact lost a substantial chunk of pension because he used the fact that you’re not brilliant at forms to claim CB for you instead of filling it in on your behalf?

I think bill him for the two maternity leaves, the full cost, and tell him you will pay him back out of that money. If making the invoice is difficult, see if a friend will help you. Because your husband is acting more like your boss than a friend.

Given you appear to have set amounts you pay into the joint account and then keep the rest of your earnings for yourself, I would have expected him to increase the amount he paid into the joint account be the amount of child benefit lost because of his higher earnings. You shouldn’t be paying out of your personal spending/saving money because his salary went up.

Yes pay half, and then bill him for half the mat leaves. Also whilst you’re at it, tell him you’re paying joint bills in proportion. It’s not a fair balance. Find your anger here OP. It is financial abuse. I also paid for my final mat leave, as ex didn’t want another child (but later agreed). Shameful really he let me do that. Part of the reason he’s been an ex for 15yrs.

This is financially abusive. Why would he think it is ok for you to be contributing 50% when he earns 3x more than you?

I earn 3x as much as my husband. Both our salaries are paid into our own bank accounts. Every payday, we do some calculations: we calculate income, then subtract amounts for the mortgage, the bills account and the joint credit card (which we both use to do everyday spending, and which we clear every month). We then allocate ourselves some personal spending money - we both get the same amount and it stays in our personal account. The rest of the money goes into joint savings. That is what being fair looks like.

Why is he creating a situation that is unfair to you - the person he is supposed to love and respect?

Do not pay him back. He is financially abusive, as he expects you to pay 50/50 into the joint account, even though he earns three times your salary.

I assume that the Child Benefit was paid into his account? Did he treat it as his own money or did he share it 50/50 with you?

It sounds as though him being a high earner only benefits him, not the family.

I couldn’t be married to such a tight bastard; you warned him and he shouldn’t have put it in the joint account if there was a risk it needed to be repaid. Is he accumulating wealth whilst you spend your time and money on the children?

Wow. Just double checking the children are his biological children?

He financially benefited from not taking leave to take care of his own children when they were little - it’s a 50% parental responsibility. By not taking any parental leave that’s how he is now earning much more than you.
By only focussing on expenses, you are at a disadvantage here.

I would do a calculation for 50% of the going rate for a nanny for childcare during those years, send him an invoice and I am sure that will cancel out the 50% child benefit debt!

FFS
He wants things joint and ‘fair’ but only if it works to his advantage then? You have much MUCH bigger problems than a £10K bill!!!

Seriously, why on earth have you put up with being treated like this?

If you knew you would have to pay it back as you were not entitled to it why dis you not pay it into a bank account instead of spending it.

He is being unreasonable and financially abusive.

The debt to HMRC is nothing to do with you, it is his debt.

He has a fundamental misunderstanding of the nature of marriage too. Every penny he earns SHOULD be held in-common with you, equally as much yours as his, and the same for every penny you earn. That's the point of marriage - to create the stability and financial safety net that allow you both to take the risks inherent in procreation.

BECAUSE financially abusive gits exist in the world, the rules of child benefit are that the mother (or primary carer) of the children recieves that money directly. YOU never have to pay a penny either to HMRC or to him. The facility for you to opt to not receive it is there for the SAHPs who have no need to claim it as their high-earning spouse's fullsalary is in a joint account that they have equal right to (whoch is how it should be whether or not you are also earning). If he has to repay HMRC and regards that as a debt from you to him that can only mean that he is selfishly and evilly hoarding "his" earnings and depriving his wife and children of what he should (if he weren't an utter arsehole) be joyfully sharing out of love.

Only you can work out whether there's any point explaining this to him or whether to get a divorce lawyer to explain it to him while taking half his assets and washing your hands of the bastard.

It’s so easy to stop it how on earth did you get into this situation?
Yes you both need to pay it back.

It’s irrelevant as to whether your savings are in joint or sole names - if you were to divorce all savings and pensions would be taken into consideration in a financial order.
However, you’ve both benefitted from an additional 10K as the money went into a joint account, so you both should pay it back. Presumably because this money was in the joint account each of you paid less form your salaries into the same account?

Why didn’t you can’t them?

In my view this is grossly unfair and why generally I think properly joint finances work better. If he earns more you, you paying 50% if expenses and funding leave alone to care for his kids while on mat leave is sick. Properly joint finances would include you having shared savings and working together towards life and financial goals. You’ve got my deepest sympathies. He’s not being kind or supportive

😂😂😂😂😂
did you read the bit where the money went into their joint account meaning that both of them benefitted from it?

I’m afraid that’s not correct, it is down to the couple on how to manage their money, plenty do it like the op and hee husband,

There is no should or law here op, people are just telling their opinions, the decision on how to manage finances is between you and your husband, as long as he doesn’t financially abuse you ie prevent you earning etcit is completely legally acceptable for him to expect you to pull your weight financially. Some people have a view that’s not ok, others think it is, but that’s all that’s being posted, however I can see it’s being posted like there is a law or something,

You are being financially abused. According to him debts are common, while savings are not, he's happy to watch you struggle while he accumulates wealth. He's actually happy that you pay the cost of him having a higher wage - 🤬. This is all so very wrong.

was gonna write a big paragraph on how we split our finances fairly but realised the crux of the matter is your husband is a massive bell end.

Yet again it's about far more than the CB bill. He only wants it 50/50 when it suits him it seems.

Fine for you both to pay 50/50 into the joint account and also to repay the CB.

Providing that you also go 50/50 on all child and household related time, effort and financial detriment. So loss of earnings, childcare, pick ups/drop offs, sick days, cooking, cleaning, laundry, appointments etc etc.

But as you've already said, you covered the cost of your maternity leaves, and I bet that his job 'doesn't allow' him to be flexible or take days off when DC are sick or have a medical appointment?

How would he take it if you said that you were also going to take a high paying job so could contribute 50/50 to the joint account and have savings, but it would require him to do half of everything at home?