Can I get over his emotional affair?

[Canisurvivethis]

Please, your advice, I’m so torn.
I’ve just spent an hour writing out this post, trying to include all the details and it’s impossible, so I’ve cut it down to the bare minimum.
My husband of 30 years has had an emotional affair with a woman at work. Nothing physical I’m pretty sure. But he’s admitted that he had feelings for her, fancied her.
It’s been going on I believe, for nearly 2 years.
No meet ups, apart from a group night out, where she was the only female, and I wasn’t aware she was there until afterwards. They were planning regular group nights out going forward.
It was mostly ‘loving’ of her Facebook selfies, some innocuous private messages with kisses on the end. He’d only spend 15 minutes in the office every day, but he would ensure that he would spend that time with her, having, in his words, flirty, sometimes sexual banter with lots of suggestive eye contact.
He is definitely very sorry. Originally, he tried very hard to minimise it, tried to say that I was blowing it out of proportion, that he didn’t think he was doing anything wrong. He now accepts that he absolutely did. He also tried to imply that it was mainly her coming on to him, and he was just flattered and played along. That’s not the case. It was definitely a two way thing.
My confusion is,
I don’t know if I can get past this. He just wants to move on, forget it, he’s sorry, he loves me, I should try to put this behind us and move on with our future together.
All I can think of is the 2 years where he was doing all this, while I was completely unaware and thinking our life was pretty perfect. I feel like a complete fool. I think about the times he came home from work, after having sexual conversations with her, and got into bed with me.
He’s also going to work everyday and seeing her, although I do believe he tries to not have any contact, sometimes he has no choice. She is still making inappropriate comments to him, and he says nothing. He’s not shutting it down at all. He’s made me look a fool in his workplace.
I Don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive him, I don’t look at him the same. I don’t look at myself the same. I’m so terribly insecure, depressed, teary and sad. 2 stone has dropped off me and I feel like my life has been ruined, all our plans shattered.
I don’t want to lose my home, my lifestyle, my future, but I don’t believe that I can ever feel happy again.
Is it possible to stay together and it get back to how it was? I’m not sure. I have so much to lose, my husband, my home, my future, my financial security, through no fault of my own. I feel so bitter.
It is on my mind 24 hrs a day. I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t know what to do.
Please give me some opinions I’m desperate.

Didn’t want read and run. I’m sorry this is happening to you. The only way forward is he leaves his job and you get therapy just for yourself. The you decide what you want to do x

It sounds as though it's still going on OP.
But he is trying to make you believe it's not his fault.
He is sorry you found out about his emotional affair. And he wants you just to forget about it so he can carry on his relationship with his colleague in peace.

He needs to change his job, cut contact with this woman and demonstrate to you he is truly remorseful . And then it's up to you whether you decide you want to continue your marriage after his betrayal.

Thanks for replying.
I’ve asked him to leave his job, he’s said he will if he has to, but wants me to guarantee that I won’t leave him if he does. I can’t give him that guarantee atm, and regardless, he’s not even seriously looking, so what does that mean really. He just keeps saying he’s on good money and an easy job that he won’t find anywhere else. He doesn’t want to actually.

Yes, the type of thing in a relationship eats away at the foundations. Sometimes its worse than any full-blown affair.

My wife had an emotional affair back in 2022-23. She was besotted with this man she became in contact with via Facebook. It ended up as sexting via WhatsApp and epically long phone calls whilst I was at work. Even today, she's not fully over him and it's really affected us.

Not sure what you should do. I stayed because of the life we have together.

He wants to forget and put it in the past and he's putting conditions on leaving his job (saying you have to stay with him if he does).

Sounds to me like he's not actually interested in putting in any effort.

Tell him to go fuck himself.

People can and do get passed affairs but only if the person having the affair is completely honest and open about it and works to change.

Your husband is a bellend who just wants you to forget the affair so he can pick it up again.

I think he needs to show genuine remorse and make real restitution if he wants your marriage to work. Tell him that- that he needs to do that- so you feel secure.
Ask him how he'd feel if it were you who had the affair.

Tbh, I do actually believe that he’ll stop this, I think he has, I know he wants to save our marriage. It’s me. I cannot get past it. He accuses me of constantly digging for information, I don’t think I am, I just need to talk. But every time we do, something else comes out and makes everything even worse. The whole thing is just eating me up every minute of the day. And I know that there’s stuff I don’t know, and I want to know everything. He tells me that that’s wrong, I should just try to move forward. Am I crazy?

Lillibridge, that’s one of my options, staying together for our lifestyle. How’s it working out? It’s awful isn’t it?

@Canisurvivethis you are not the problem. Please don’t let him gaslight you. Your behaviour right now is a normal response to disloyalty and betrayal - the latter 2 have been caused directly by his actions. Don’t let him minimise your feelings and emotions. He was the cause, he needs to find the solutions and be part of them. Be kind to yourself x

Firstly he needs to leave his job. Yes you can’t give him the assurance you will definitely not leave him but tell him if he doesn’t leave his job you will definitely will leave him. As it does sounds like you eventually would if it’s eating away at you.

Tell him you need to talk and every time you do you find out something new so that’s a condition of staying together. You need to know the truth and know everything.

Whilst looking for a new job he has to tell this woman everything. That you know, that it has to stop right now. All of it. Make him text her if you need to see the proof. He needs to back this up when seeing her in the flesh and shit her down.

If he’s sorry, which he sounds to be he has to prove it and do these things, which use he doesn’t want to do but tough that’s the way it is. He needs to man up, he created this situation and he needs to do the lion share to resolve it.

Don’t let him make you feel guilty for the way you are responding to his actions. Hope it works out.

Please don’t be kind to me.
I’m so absolutely devastated.
I’ve just come off a night shift and proceeded to drink a whole bottle of wine while writing my post. I’m going to sleep now. Nothing will have changed when I wake up unfortunately.
Thanks to all that have responded, It feels good to talk, I have no one else x

Ermmm...its hard to say. We're together. But sexually, I often feel in my head at least, I'm in competition with him. This emotional affair was very intense, as they often are. I think they maybe in touch periodically still. I can't be sure.

Once we were over the initial episode, I tried my best to put it behind me but, any attempt at talking about him made her very defensive and angry. I got the impression she resents giving him up.

I was relieved to hear that he'd begun a relationship with someone but like I say, I still have the impression that they have periodic contact, even now. I try to ignore it now, for my own sanity.

I’m so sorry Lillibridge.

Wine won't fix anything much.
You sound like you want it to work out.

Op, you just have to give it a go. Seek counselliong and, if you want the marriage to work, you need to proceed forward and give it a good shot.
Ask your husband to look for a new job.

He might find another one just as good after a while. You can promise him that you will not leave him until you have both given your relationship a sincere chance over a year or two.

If you stay, you won't know the out come for some time.

First off I'm really sorry this has happened to you. Unfortunately it doesn't just happen it's someone selfishly making a conscious decision to pursue their own wants whilst disregarding those at home they should be focusing on. You think you know someone and then they do this and deceive you. It taints and spoils everything you spent a lifetime building. The lifestyle, the home, the times that you've shared.
I had it all money, nice cars, a beautiful detached 4 bedroom home set in 1/2 an acre but emotionally through historic cheating, our relationship was dead in the wood. 16 years I continued after her affair, eventually you just die inside and take it from me, everything you have or think you have means nothing in the end if you haven't got trust and togetherness. I have a very modest life now and have never been happier.
Be kind to yourself and take as much time as you need and don't be forced or coerced in to anything.

I think the crux of the problem is he hasn’t told you EVERYTHING. If something new comes out every time you talk, deep in the back of your mind you’re always waiting for the next thing.

Until he’s completely honest, tells you everything and you truly believe he’s told you it all, you can’t begin to heal from the hurt he’s caused. He thinks he’s sparing you hurt by leaving things out I’m sure, as you believe he’s genuinely remorseful. You need to tell him that hiding things is causing more damage.

I’d recommend individual and couples therapy. It may be you decide you don’t want to stay, which is fine. But without therapy you are going to struggle to get past it.

Good luck, and remember you have done nothing wrong, you didn’t cause this and you definitely didn’t deserve it. Your husband should be moving heaven and earth to make you feel secure again.

I have experienced this too. Everyone says 'he needs to leave the job' but I don't think that fixes the heartbreak you feel. Yes, it would demonstrate that he is committed to fixing your marriage but like you say in your OP, the issue is that you're not sure if you can feel happy again. I dont think that will really change if he has a different job, because you see him differently now. And you see yourself differently. I don't mean to sound negative, but these are changes which are so, so hard to reverse.

In our case, she was the one to leave the job. But it didnt make me feel any better. Some years later I'm still miserable in the marriage. I lost respect for him. I see him in a different light. Life has changed and moved on. I have recovered a lot of my self confidence but I wish I had left him at the time.

Get yourself over to Surviving Infidelity forums. They will take care of you.

My DH has done this a couple of times in present job. First was woman he described as like a tiny, girly, wonderful, kind funny etc, lots of mentionitus and helping her get promoted. When questioned, defensive lots arguments, tears, gaslighting etc. couldn’t leave then or now as DC have additional needs and no way can accommodate that if split. So put them first and tried to carry on. Saw the woman later and wasn’t at all as described, larger than me even , plain like me, nothing tinyand girly, just normal middle aged woman! Realised then he was trying to make me feel insecure, and changed how I viewed him, no longer jealous, just angry and don’t even like/respect him. Did it again a couple of years ago, this time woman seemed to encourage. He was white knighting and then she split with her DH and was dating, telling him all about her sex life, bought present round, car sharing when out of his way, lots mentionitus . I think he is actually very insecure and wants someone to idolise him. I challenged again, like you felt he was making fool of me. But as for love , now feel emotionally cold. In my head I am always somewhere else, and if opportunity arose to start again and DC wouldn’t suffer from financial/emotional/care implications I probably would. That may be as I know I am “stuck” in anger, as this is like a bereavement, loss of marriage, and future as I thought would be. Don’t think either time was physical but doesn’t really matter. I was made to feel irrational, over dramatic, and insane, jealous , all usual things . Upshot is no advice, just hand hold.
All the LTB advice would possibly get doesn’t help if you know you can’t because of impact on DC. Mine would never forgive, likely significantly hurt self, so really me and DH are both stuck!

Whether you stay together or not, this won’t resolve overnight. For you to even consider rebuilding, you’d need two things: (a) his full accountability without excuses, and (b) his willingness to take concrete steps to rebuild trust (like shutting her down firmly, changing patterns, maybe switching departments or jobs, and going to counseling).

Right now, from what you describe, he’s still avoiding the hard work, trying to downplay it and hoping time will make it fade. That won’t help you heal

He needs to be completely honest with you OP, it sounds like he hasn't told you the full story. He also needs to change jobs. You can't move forward if he's still working with her. Do you have kids?

I would recommend that you go and have some counselling for yourself. You need to have a place to talk through how you're feeling, without judgement. I hope you can work through this - your partner needs to understand that he has broken your trust and that you view him differently now. To rebuild that trust is going to take time and effort from both of you, he can't put a time limit on it or be dismissive of your feelings.

The funny thing about this is that when I read
He might find another one just as good after a while
I thought you meant another woman at work! - and then I realised you meant another job.

That's the trouble, though: he's demonstrated that he's capable of looking elsewhere and acting on that. This is hard to move past with any confidence for the future.

Sorry OP, what a shit situation to find yourself in.

It's shocking that he mispresented her to you just to make you feel even worse! This is abominably cruel.

I was made to feel irrational, over dramatic, and insane, jealous , all usual things

This is really abusive, I hope you can find a way out of this horrible marriage.

In my view having been there - you can build life up again and it kind of fades however you never 100% in my experience feel the same about them again , it snuffs out the special - stuff that annoyed you before but you would laugh off because they were ‘your special person’ now just become annoyances.