Can I get over his emotional affair?

[Canisurvivethis]

Please, your advice, I’m so torn.
I’ve just spent an hour writing out this post, trying to include all the details and it’s impossible, so I’ve cut it down to the bare minimum.
My husband of 30 years has had an emotional affair with a woman at work. Nothing physical I’m pretty sure. But he’s admitted that he had feelings for her, fancied her.
It’s been going on I believe, for nearly 2 years.
No meet ups, apart from a group night out, where she was the only female, and I wasn’t aware she was there until afterwards. They were planning regular group nights out going forward.
It was mostly ‘loving’ of her Facebook selfies, some innocuous private messages with kisses on the end. He’d only spend 15 minutes in the office every day, but he would ensure that he would spend that time with her, having, in his words, flirty, sometimes sexual banter with lots of suggestive eye contact.
He is definitely very sorry. Originally, he tried very hard to minimise it, tried to say that I was blowing it out of proportion, that he didn’t think he was doing anything wrong. He now accepts that he absolutely did. He also tried to imply that it was mainly her coming on to him, and he was just flattered and played along. That’s not the case. It was definitely a two way thing.
My confusion is,
I don’t know if I can get past this. He just wants to move on, forget it, he’s sorry, he loves me, I should try to put this behind us and move on with our future together.
All I can think of is the 2 years where he was doing all this, while I was completely unaware and thinking our life was pretty perfect. I feel like a complete fool. I think about the times he came home from work, after having sexual conversations with her, and got into bed with me.
He’s also going to work everyday and seeing her, although I do believe he tries to not have any contact, sometimes he has no choice. She is still making inappropriate comments to him, and he says nothing. He’s not shutting it down at all. He’s made me look a fool in his workplace.
I Don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive him, I don’t look at him the same. I don’t look at myself the same. I’m so terribly insecure, depressed, teary and sad. 2 stone has dropped off me and I feel like my life has been ruined, all our plans shattered.
I don’t want to lose my home, my lifestyle, my future, but I don’t believe that I can ever feel happy again.
Is it possible to stay together and it get back to how it was? I’m not sure. I have so much to lose, my husband, my home, my future, my financial security, through no fault of my own. I feel so bitter.
It is on my mind 24 hrs a day. I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t know what to do.
Please give me some opinions I’m desperate.

I’m so sorry you are going through this, it is heart wrenching. If it is going round and round in your mind, counselling will help you work through your thoughts. As PP have said, that might take months. Could you tell him that you want to go on the booked holiday alone or with a friend? See if a change of scene gives you a different perspective/ some clarity?

They really are idiots @Canisurvivethis. - as I said before , you don’t have to do anything now, you can see how it goes, see how you feel - mine was a long marriage too ( well still is) I actually found myself feeling quite sorry for my H at one point because although I didn’t leave , his mid life ego boost basically killed any romantic/sexual feelings on my part and I no longer always put him first - and I know he knows why - we do get along ok still, but it’s different -thems the breaks I guess !!

You should use the counselling to emotionally prepare for a divorce because his failure to shut it down is revealing. He seems to be suggesting she continues to be inappropriate and he simply stands there in the office saying nothing. What happens next? Surely she would say, you’re being very strange, what’s going on? This story is as daft as the other story about how one hour a week banter and eye contact has led to the biggest flirtation marathon in history.

You should also conduct a full inspection of all your finances and see a solicitor so you know where you stand if you decide to leave.

This is important, and I know you’ll feel compelled to keep talking about it to get some relief, but if you want to work things out, you should not bring it up. Talk to your counseller or friends instead.

Well, as you’ve brought it up Buzzy1234, yes , she makes the odd inappropriate comments, which he totally ignores or diverts. I know this for a fact. He was off work for quite a while when I first confronted him about this, and in the meantime, she was blocked on all social media. He assumed that she would just get the message. She has never asked him why he blocked her. Again I know this for a fact.
I also know my husband is sometimes too nice, and would rather ignore than be rude, hoping it goes away.
By never bringing it up or talking about my feelings with him, isn’t that just making life easier for him? Not me , I suffer in my own head, alone, then surely?

I want to be completely open and honest with you here, without any fear of judgement, because it may help and that’s what I want to do, help.

I had an affair many years ago now. It lasted 4 months. It was with my boss and both of us were married. We kissed, but it was very emotionally driven. Very similar to what you have described here. Lots of flirting, sexual banter and stealing some kisses when we were alone. I want to offer you some advice or wisdom in these situations from the perspective of the one who committed the affair, and as the OW.

Sadly, this affair is not over. It probably even became physical, but this is not being shared with you. How physical? Who knows. But after two years and many times they could have been alone together, the likelihood that it never got physical is almost 0%! My affair partner and I craved each other and only didn’t have sex because there was never an opportunity before it all came out.
At the time, we both lied about the physical aspect and pretended it was just emotional.

We continued to work together for a little longer and the affair continued because it was almost impossible to stop when we were around each other still. Google limerence! We were infatuated with each other and couldn’t walk away while ever we were still around each other.

Affairs need to be completely snuffed out to die. The only way to do that is for them to have absolutely no contact going forward. Literally NONE! They cannot see or speak to each other at all. This means your husband would need to leave his job.

Few big red flags that tells me he isn’t serious about ending his affair or that he is genuinely sorry…

1. He hasn’t left his job
2. He is still around her knowing you have to deal with that pain
3. He isn’t shutting down her continuous flirting. He is still enabling it and that’s because he is still flirting with her.

If I was you, I would leave immediately. You will never get over this while he is still around her or not prioritising your feelings. He needs to feel the consequences of his behaviour.

Having been there too, even after having no contact with my affair partner for a year, I know if we met up today it would carry on like it never stopped.

The thing is, no one knows the dynamics of other people’s relationships and this includes that of affair partners. Only they know what they felt/what happened and you may never know, OP.

My heart breaks for you.

A few things I have learnt on the way to reconciliation after a full on emotional and physical affair.

1. Your husband is in damage control nowhere near remorse. He is trying to work out how to keep hold of you and the good feels he gets from the affair. Affairs are addictive, they release a lot of feel good chemicals. This is why he has not shut down her comments, he’s enjoying them. It is nothing to do with him being a polite, kind person. He needs to shut her down and hard. Every interaction he has with her remains disrespectful to you and your marriage. He has not built the walls up around you both. You cannot move forward without this.
2. I doubt whether it wasn’t physical, I was told (when I believed they’d just kissed) that adults who are in close proximity and having an affair will be physical. This would explain why he is not shutting her down (she can reveal a lot more, woman scorned etc) and why he complains about you talking about it too much. Simply put I think he’s still lying.
3. You have EVERY right to ask as many questions as you want and to repeatedly ask the same questions. Healing from infidelity involves the cheat moving heaven and earth to help you feel safe.if he is not, he is not remorseful.
4. Get yourself a copy of ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ this will give you a basic roadmap of what is required then hand it to your husband.
5. You can leave at ANY POINT you don’t have to make a decision now, watch his actions, read, absorb, seek support get counselling do everything you need to create a situation where you feel able to make a decision.
6. Just so you know, trust can be rebuilt, you can feel safe again with someone who has cheated on you but it’s on them to rebuild and show consistent actions over time and slowly but surely it gets better, but you learn to trust yourself more and you put yourself on that pedestal and that’s not such a bad thing!
7. Surviving infidelity forum is your friend. I cannot even begin to tell you how supported I felt with the moderators and posters on there. They are all about healthy and safe reconciliation and worth a visit with the cheat taking full ownership and accountability.

But firstly you need to do a lot of self care, you have been traumatised, treat it like that.

She has never asked him why he blocked her. Again I know this for a fact.

OP I want to make you feel better, not worse, but the trouble in this situation is that he still sees her every day at work, so there is no need for her to ask him. They've probably discussed it quite a bit.

I guess I'm in a minority of one but this is literally nothing. I probably have more flirty chats than he does! Liking FB posts? It's nothing.

Feels like people want this to be an affair because they like the drama.

My ex DH did this to me.

I couldn't and wouldn't get over it.

Everyone knew locally. She was a school mum. They were supporting each other apparently. He said she was pretty. They both wanted attention and validation but didn't put the effort into their marriages.

The trust was gone forever. He didn't care about me or my feelings when he was doing it. When he had her over to our house for play dates and deep chats sharing personal things about our marriage. He only cared deeply when he was found out. He thought I'd forgive him but I didn't.

Nothing meant anything after that. Our relationship had had 3 people in it and he had betrayed and humiliated me.

I divorced and rebuilt my life. Her husband also divorced her. I'm remarried and so happy to be in a trusting relationship again. He's still bitter about the life he has now and the life I have.

I see too many people stay, for a miserable uncertain quality of life. We only get one go at it.

Give yourself permission to end it and rebuild. It's wonderfully exilerating (and I'm in my 50's).

Good idea for you to attend counselling alone.

You can’t know anything ‘for a fact’ about what’s going on now. you’re reliant on information your H shares.

You have lots of options now and in the future. It’d be good to find out where you’d stand financially in the event of divorce, as that might influence some of your choices now regarding your work etc.

How can you know she didn't ask why she was blocked for an absolute fact? The only way you would know is if you were there every time they were in the same room or saw every text, email or phone call they might have shared. And really, even if it is a fact that she didn't ask, I can't see how that helps or makes anything better in any way.

He’s describing an abnormal response in both of them which is how I know he’s lying. They’re close enough to have sexual flirtations in the work place for two years but not close enough for her to ask why she’s been blocked? The image he’s trying to portray of her being desperately inappropriate while he stands there ignoring her is ridiculous, nobody is that pathetic to do that. It’s as daft as his two year flirting story. Is he senior to her?

The reason you shouldn’t discuss it further is nothing to do with him having an easy time. It’s to protect yourself from being treated like a gullible fool with the silly stories he's telling you. Because the truth is he’s going to think less of you for believing them and that’s going to turn into contempt. This stage is about control, not repairing. For as long as he’s got information you want he’s in control.

If you want my advice it’s this, go dark. Stop sharing your thoughts and feelings with him like he’s done to you for 2 years. Be out a lot. Instead of you worrying about him and her, let him worry about you. Tell him nothing, he’s not your friend right now. Cheaters can be inadvertently rewarded with lots of attention, even if it’s negative.

They’re close enough to have sexual flirtations in the work place for two years but not close enough for her to ask why she’s been blocked?

Seriously? A random bloke who is a bit flirty with you stops and you chase him down asking why? She'll barely have noticed and she likely won't notice she's been blocked either.

In the unlikely event she notices it's not worthy of chasing him down angrily demanding why he hasn't been casually flirty for a few minutes of the working day.

This whole thread is hysterical. Liking FB posts? Flirting? Innocuous messages? It's literally nothing, I have a closer relationship with the guy who works in the toll booth on my drive to work.

How did you find out OP? Is he only sorry because he was caught or did he tell you?

He needs to go No Contact and change his job
Read 'Just Good Friends' and get on the Reddit infidelity forums plus Survivinginfidelity.com

Also worth a read:

https://coachjackito.com/blog/separation-boundaries/

My advice would be as follows? How old are you? 50’s?

I know lots of women in their 50’s who have either got divorced, or been widowed. You just don’t know what’s round the corner on sniper alley (50’s)

What you need to do is take care of YOU. When I read your post it seems you are too reliant on him for your wellbeing and esteem.

As someone said earlier, focus on you. Make more friends, join more clubs, take up a hobby, join a gym. Go out without him. Let him see that you are not as available as you once were. Build up a life that runs parallel to his, not one that relies on him for finances or your self esteem.

Focus on yourself for a year. If in this time you realise you don’t need him, great. If not you may forgive him over a bit of time.

TBH I’ve had ups and downs with my DH over 31 years and come close to divorce twice, though not because of OW (I don’t think). The second time was before lockdown and I changed my life as outlined above.

I love my DH and we get on great, but I’m with him because I want to be, not because I need to be. I can leave at anytime and I’ll be ok. That feels really empowering. My future goals are mine. If he wants to come, great. If not, I’m still doing them. I’ve reclaimed the independence I had pre marriage and it feels good.

Powerful post, thank you @AutumnOffGrid

Agree, excellent post @AutumnOffGrid

To be honest, if I were you, I wouldn't leave and I wouldn't want to know every little detail because it simply doesn't matter. He chose to stay with you and that would enough for me at least. No way would I leave my lifestyle and everything I have worked for because some s... wanted to flirt with my husband. But that's just me.

How are you doing g OP?