Can I get over his emotional affair?

[Canisurvivethis]

Please, your advice, I’m so torn.
I’ve just spent an hour writing out this post, trying to include all the details and it’s impossible, so I’ve cut it down to the bare minimum.
My husband of 30 years has had an emotional affair with a woman at work. Nothing physical I’m pretty sure. But he’s admitted that he had feelings for her, fancied her.
It’s been going on I believe, for nearly 2 years.
No meet ups, apart from a group night out, where she was the only female, and I wasn’t aware she was there until afterwards. They were planning regular group nights out going forward.
It was mostly ‘loving’ of her Facebook selfies, some innocuous private messages with kisses on the end. He’d only spend 15 minutes in the office every day, but he would ensure that he would spend that time with her, having, in his words, flirty, sometimes sexual banter with lots of suggestive eye contact.
He is definitely very sorry. Originally, he tried very hard to minimise it, tried to say that I was blowing it out of proportion, that he didn’t think he was doing anything wrong. He now accepts that he absolutely did. He also tried to imply that it was mainly her coming on to him, and he was just flattered and played along. That’s not the case. It was definitely a two way thing.
My confusion is,
I don’t know if I can get past this. He just wants to move on, forget it, he’s sorry, he loves me, I should try to put this behind us and move on with our future together.
All I can think of is the 2 years where he was doing all this, while I was completely unaware and thinking our life was pretty perfect. I feel like a complete fool. I think about the times he came home from work, after having sexual conversations with her, and got into bed with me.
He’s also going to work everyday and seeing her, although I do believe he tries to not have any contact, sometimes he has no choice. She is still making inappropriate comments to him, and he says nothing. He’s not shutting it down at all. He’s made me look a fool in his workplace.
I Don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive him, I don’t look at him the same. I don’t look at myself the same. I’m so terribly insecure, depressed, teary and sad. 2 stone has dropped off me and I feel like my life has been ruined, all our plans shattered.
I don’t want to lose my home, my lifestyle, my future, but I don’t believe that I can ever feel happy again.
Is it possible to stay together and it get back to how it was? I’m not sure. I have so much to lose, my husband, my home, my future, my financial security, through no fault of my own. I feel so bitter.
It is on my mind 24 hrs a day. I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t know what to do.
Please give me some opinions I’m desperate.

An emotional affair is worse than a lustful physical affair.

I don’t think you will ever recover and will lead a life of anxiousness and fear if you stay with him as you will always doubt him.

He will always have that ‘what if?’ feeling if he had left you for her.

You may have a chance of recovering your relationship if he is 100% committed to show you how remorseful he is and how genuine his love for you is by allowing you to process your feelings which ever way you want to and in your own time.

You won't have a chance if he carries on insisting you brush it under the carpet, swallow your anger, pain, shock and heartbreak, and pretend it never happened.

This means not accusing you of 'digging for information' when you ask questions or need to talk about it and expecting you to swallow it all down and play happy families. This is why it's eating you away inside. He is happy for you to suffer so he doesn't have to. He is refusing to face the consequences of his actions and unwilling to face up to the damage he has done and take responsibility for at least trying to fix it, instead of placing it all on you and making it your job. Judge him by his actions, not his words. 💐

Your relationship has changed forever. You don't have to forgive you will never forget & it will take years.
I believe you can continue in a relationship, he has to be truly remorseful & work really hard. You need to rebuild yourself.
I am still sad, but my relationship is now truly 50/50 I am stronger & can walk away.
Good Luck, you cant decide in a day, take a 6 months or even a year if needed.

I found that I couldn’t get past it/over it. I realised that I felt differently about him, had no respect for him and yet found myself thinking about him and what he might be doing when he was not at home. Truthfully more than he’d been in my mind up until that point
I decided that was no way to live my life. We divorced- but I was a lot younger then …

Following on ftom
my post OP, if I had found out ‘at the time’ ( I found out 10 years after it was happening) and if a lot younger ( I was 55 when I found out) I would have said f* off . However financially I was somewhat screwed , we worked together, don’t own a house etc and I’m buggered if I’m giving up
my ok life for a life of penury and no job as we do get on pretty well still - a lawyer said to me you can change your mind at any time, but if you are going to do so, do it at a point that works for you. Certainly not before state pension kicks in . One thing that has changed is I do feel I have more power to do things I want to do- on my own without feeling I need to ‘seek permission’.

Promise him that you will leave him if he doesn’t.

I wouldn’t be able to. Because someone who is doing that is actively showing how little care they have for me. People who care don’t want to hurt people.

Thank you, but I have accepted I am stuck, and find happiness in other things.

OK... I wish there was a crying emoji 😔

Just woke up with a bit of a headache 🙄
Thanks to you all, it’s reassuring that others see this situation in the same way.
To clarify, we’ve been married 30 years, together 36, kids have both grown and left home, finances have improved, mortgage coming to an end, planning early retirement, hence why I thought life was looking good, as far as I was concerned, we were better than ever and life was rosy. We’ve recently bought a new car, got 2 holidays booked, one next month, it’s all so complicated.
I’d only recently gone full time at work, after working part time for over 20 years, specifically to build up our savings pot for our retirement. Now I feel like he’s trapped me in this job I hate, for if we do separate, I would have no choice but to continue for the foreseeable. Not the issue, just another kick in the teeth.
I have suggested counselling, he says it’s ‘not his thing’. I am seeing the doctor next week and may ask about it for myself.

To be honest, I understand why he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. He doesn’t want me to know anything more than I already do, anything that would make it harder for me, or hurt me more. But I need to know.
Although he does take accountability, and admits it’s all on him, he still continues to add that I’m ‘making this much more than it was’. He honestly thinks that because he didn’t have sex with her, that it’s not that bad. It’s all about the physical with him. It’s the emotions involved, the lies and deceit for me. He insists that if he’d had the intention of sleeping with her, then he would have done by now, that he could have if he’d wanted to.
He drives me mad. The length of time and the fact that he has/had feelings for her, has only just come out, and that’s made all the difference to me.
I can no longer believe that this was just him being flattered and ‘playing a little game’ like he still insists. I know her name, have seen her photos on Facebook, without sounding arrogant, I think I’m more attractive than her, even though she’s obviously younger 🙄, I’ve asked him what he saw in her, he said ‘it’s not all about looks you know’ but fancied her anyway. He’s never said one word against her, only ever agreed with my opinion when I’ve actually said it out loud in anger. It’s just there, all the time, in my head. I’m miserable and everyone can see it. And I just don’t think that’s going to change.
I would tell anybody else in my situation, to leave. To have more self respect, that they don’t deserve to feel like this for the rest of their life. So I think I already know what I should do, it’s just doing it. Saying it out loud and acting on it. Or just swallow it and stay, is that easier? I don’t know.
I love him so very much, can’t imagine my life without him, but it’s true that I don’t look at him, our lives together or myself, in the same way. And part of me thinks that if we stay together, we’ll both end up hating each other.

I couldn’t move on from an affair of that nature and duration, especially when you don’t have full disclosure regarding what happened, he still works with the other woman, won’t go to counselling, change jobs and wants you to shut up about your feelings about it all.

In your situation I’d go ‘grey rock’ with DH and visit a solicitor and research to see what kind of financial settlement I could get, including sharing ‘his’ pension pot. I’d then plan an exit and seek to get the best possible financial settlement.

OP, DO ask about counselling for yourself. You need to talk all of this out and it will help to process it. As a pp said, you need to build yourself back up and not put it in his hands or give him the power over you. As for him not wanting to hurt you more? Seriously? Could he hurt you any more? Even if he had slept with her? In fact, saying he doesn't want you to know any more - what more is there then? It would make me suspect it had become physical between them even though it may not have. Or has he not slept with her because it's not for the want of trying? He's basically saying you haven't got to the bottom of this and don't know all there is to know and telling you it's best you don't know. He is being massively cruel, selfish and cowardly. And that's being polite.

You’re telling him what you need to move on - complete honesty - and he’s telling you that you should just get over it already and not tell you the rest to “protect” you. That means it’s STILL all about him and what he wants or needs.

if you stay as is, you will resent him and you may split in the future anyway. I’d tell him right now that if he can’t tell me everything and get it all out there, that you will be divorcing him. No promises that you won’t anyway, but make it clear the ONLY chance your relationship has is with honesty. And if counselling is a deal breaker for you, tell him that as well so he knows refusing the counselling will also result in you leaving.

he has put his needs first all this time - if he wants to fix what HE broke, he needs to listen to what you are saying. Without counselling, how do you know he won’t do this again?

Re the job, I would look for something you do enjoy. Most people have to work, and you have been fortunate not to have had to work full time all these years, so you need to decide whether you want to leave with your head high but you work full time or accept your husband and forgive him so you don’t have to continue.

He accuses me of constantly digging for information, I don’t think I am, I just need to talk. But every time we do, something else comes out and makes everything even worse. The whole thing is just eating me up every minute of the day. And I know that there’s stuff I don’t know, and I want to know everything. He tells me that that’s wrong, I should just try to move forward. Am I crazy?

No you're not crazy, your behaviour and needs are completely normal for the betrayed partner. You both need to read How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair.

He refuses to be completely honest with you. He refuses to leave his job. He refuses to go to counselling. What exactly IS he doing to help you get over his betrayal?

I don't believe it's the affair itself that kills most marriages. It's the behaviour of the wayward spouse AFTER the affair is revealed that kills it for the other person. If he'd been totally open with you as soon as you found out, proactively left his job himself and booked himself into therapy to explore why he thought it was OK for him to do this then you'd probably be finding it significantly easier to reconcile with him.

But he doesn't want to take responsibility for it, he just wants you to get back into your box. I'm sorry, OP. You don't deserve to be treated like this (now, never mind during the affair!).

You need closure to it, before you can re-build on anything, clarity is important to moving on.
By clarity for him it will make him look bad but then release's the quilt, stress and pressure to hide things,
For you it's so you can close that and then rebuild from it.

Somethings are worth fighting for if both parties want to, 30+years is a long time to just kinda throw away
It can be fixed and rebuilt with talking and yes can be uncomfortable and hurt but when talking about it, it becomes easier and trust and connection begins just by talking

I'm literally going through this I am struggling
Heart and mind destroyed
Emotionally I'm devastated and keep wondering I wasn't good enough
My OH had a 9+ Months affair started emotionally and then physically happened but it affected her more emotionally and mentally.

I think I could get over this, but only if he left the job and cut all contact. An emotional affair will be hard to end if he keeps seeing her.

I once found myself with a crush on a colleague when my marriage was going through a rough patch. I let it go on too long as I was such good friends with this colleague I hardly noticed feelings developing. Then I suddenly realised I might wreck my whole life over it. Terrible regret! I left that job and explained to my friend that I could not be in contact any more. It was so upsetting. I have never strayed emotionally again as if messed with my head and took me years to forgive myself. If you detect that level of regret in your oh then I think youll be fine. If not, then I’m sorry to say I cannot guarantee it.

I'm really sorry to hear that. I think you have to remind yourself that these are the effects of decisions your partner made. Its not your fault and you're not responsible. I'm sure the person having the emotional affair goes through trauma being emotionally torn, but its the dishonesty and the gaslighting which stayed with me.

I suspect my wife had sex with him. I can't be sure. There were two trips to see a friend in Kent around the time of this emotional affair. I then subsequently found out a long while after that this man lives in Kent. I presume there was sex but I couldn't prove it.

Ex cheater here.
They’ve had a lot more contact than he’s telling you.
15 minutes of eye contact and banter is not enough to sustain a two year relationship. Affairs, like any other relationship progress or fizzle out. They have not spent two years flirting. Nobody does that.

This is true.

Sorry OP but I think this is true. If you really think about it it just does not make sense.

How did you find out? Was it a confession or did you catch him out somehow? It seems to me that he would very much like you to shut up about this now and let it pass, without truly acknowledging the hurt he has caused.
I found out about my ex boyfriend's flirting and sexting a woman at work. To be fair my life wasn't as enmeshed with his, as your situation. I spent a good 3 months trying to shove the feelings down and accept his minimisation of events but I realised eventually that I was bending my very morals to try and make it sit right with me. This I could not do, so I called the whole thing off. On making that decision I felt so much better. Being true to yourself is imperative and empowering and I feel that each time I think back to it. I'd say right now you're panicking, trying to hold on to what you thought was your reality as anything other is very scary. Trust yourself that you have it in you to carry on after this, because you do. It'll be forward steps all the way, which is so much better than staying in this quagmire of unease and upset.

Thank you everyone.
We’ve talked this afternoon.
I know he’s sorry, I can see that he’s distraught at what he’s done to me. He’s vowing to spend the rest of his life trying to make amends.
I believe him, I think.
He’s looked into a couple of jobs, although there seems to always be a reason why they’re not suitable.
I have said that I’m not going to leave him at this moment, but cannot give him any promises in the long term. He says that he’s willing to talk anytime I wish, but that there is nothing else to tell me. I don’t know whether I believe that.
I’ve tried to explain that I’m scared of spending the rest of my life feeling like I do now. I’ve told him that I’ll never forgive him nor trust him again. He says he’s willing to accept that, and try to fix it.
I realise that I need to work on me, I absolutely cannot continue living like this, feeling how I feel, sad and depressed and constantly going over things in my head. I feel that everything I believed about us, is shattered. He’s not the person I thought he was.
I want it to be how it was before. I want to feel the absolute surety in him that I did, the safety and the peace. I’m so devastated that I know I’ll never feel like that again. I’m definitely going to go to counselling.
I’m making no promises.
A pp said something that struck me. I can leave at any time. I hadn’t thought about it like that. Was sort of thinking that I needed to make a decision right now.
So off to counselling I shall go, and hopefully that will help me get some clarity. I owe him nothing after his behaviour, so if in X amount of time I realise that it hasn’t really gotten better for me, then at least I’ll know that I tried, and screw him, I’ll put things in place and leave.

Thank you all for your supportive responses, and to those who have had, or are in, a similar situation, I wish I could give you all a hug. We’re all members of a really crappy club, that I want us all out of.

OP you must do what you feel is right. No, you really don't need to rush into anything. You take your time. It's easy to say LTB when it's not decades of a shared life being considered. I will say again though - look at what he does, rather than what he says. I am glad you're going to counselling. X

To be honest I think a lot of physical affairs are also emotional, they have just crossed the line. Most people don’t have affairs without having some emotional feeling.