To have been forcibly told to F**K OFF by my partner.......again

[onarollercoaster]

I need some advice for clarity please.

Been with partner for 7 years and things are not great right now and to a degree when I look back things have always been tough.

He is almost completely emotionally unavailable and this has been a huge struggle for me as I need physical touch, hugs, comforting when the shite hits the fan or just normal, kiss when you leave for work, a hug before bed etc. I have to ask for it constantly, I feel like I'm begging for affection for the last 7 years. Nothing over the top though, I'm not clingy or super hand holding etc in public. But for example, he could (and has done repeatedly over the years) sat and watched TV knowing I'm crying literally sat beside him over, lets say a close family bereavement etc, and he doesn't even acknowledge me.

Anyway fast forward to a couple of weeks ago and I wanted to discuss something which we have discussed previously, not relationship, just something practical, but I'm the type of person who needs to think things through, totally understand it and then make a decision, so sometimes, I have to talk it through a coupe of times.

Well, this lit a fuse and before I knew it he was screaming and shouting at me, telling me to 'just F**K OFF!, then continued screaming and shouting about the house until he left. I was speechless and felt like shit.

The worst thing is this isn't the first time.

I don't even really know what I'm asking for, just some support please.

It's really hurtful being treated like that, and it just feels terrible. I don't want to live like this :(

He is verbally abusive, cold and aloof. You are the opposite. You can do much better than him.

I suspect it is a toxic and incompatible relationship. You'd be better off calling time on it.

Why have you stayed in a relationship with someone who clearly can’t meet your needs?

You’re clearly totally incompatible.

Leave. Normal healthy relationships aren’t like this. He is abusive and you deserve better. Repeat this over and over until you realise you need to leave. Then leave.

Nothing about your relationship sounds normal or loving and you seem to have accepted such a low standard so far. Cut your losses and move on from this man he has nothing to offer you.

What do you actually need him for? He sounds horrible. And I’d bet my mortgage this isn’t the only way he’s useless.

This...

Why have you stayed in this relationship for so long?

First post nails it

I think i put other peoples needs above my own, so when he tells m he loves me I don't want to be the one to cause him any pain. To me it feels easier to put up and shut up than cause him pain, because he has had a tough life and is still feeling the effects of some real shitty decisions he as made over the years. Then I convince myself I'm over reacting. I don't want to add to it. I have discussed separating at times and he just says he loves me and asks why am I prepared to throw away the last years over an argument or such like. But at one of the last similar outbursts, garden furniture got thrown about. It's no exaggeration, when I say that we literally cannot converse without it going wrong these days. I know he is having a really difficult time at work so just keep telling myself that he is really stressed.

You don't want to live like this...
Then don't?

What's keeping you from leaving?

So you're working very hard to avoid causing him pain.
Is he doing the same for you?

Obviously he isn't.
When you're taking care of him and he's taking care of himself... Who's left to take care of you?

I'm so worried about leaving him on his own. He has got a lot of his own problems and I don't want to make it worse.

Oh fuck him.

His problems are of his own making by the sounds of it. He's been like this for 7 years. You've been with him for 7 years. Do you really want to spend the next 30 being miserable.

What an utter waste of your life.

Carry on as you are thrn, begging him for an affection like a dog trying to please its master.

Things will get worse. Leave. You deserve a life free from this.

Why are you making him your responsibility?

He’s an abusive wanker. Tell him to fuck off.

You need to put aside the ridiculous notion of 'causing him pain'. He does not love you He might think he does, but love doesn't manifest in this kind d of awful behaviour. He does even seem to like you. Never mind love you.

You are not well matched, you would likely both be much much happier if you found people you were more compatible with. Separate from each other and do it soon.

You can't fix him. If you could you you would have done it already. This is not your fault and it is nof your job to he his virtual punchbag. Make a safety plan and break up.

But you're happy to let him make your life worse?

YOU get one life. You don't have to sacrifice yours for him.

It's very interesting that you would say 'He doesn't even seem to like you. Never mind love you', because I have felt like this and even asked him at times through the relationship. I have even said to him when we have been able to talk, 'I think we are making each other miserable', but still he tells me he loves me. I just feel like I can't trust my own feelings, and another reason I feel I can't leave is because I know it will be painful and messy and I've had a lot of losses in the last couple of years and haven't been able to deal with anymore pain at the moment

He is a grown man.
He may have issues. We all have them. He doesn't get to drag you down with him and ruin your mental health, just because of whatever happened to him in the past.

You're not responsable for him. You're not his mother, his caretaker or his guardian. Relationships are supposed to be transactional. You should only care about as much as your partner cares about you. You should only feel responsable to the same extent as your partner does.

How much responsability does he take for your wellbeing? How much of his mental health would he sacrifice for you? How much of his needs would he shove aside to take care of you?

You are giving and giving and giving to someone who gives none of these things in return, and it's ridiculous. Who ever told you that you don't matter? That your happiness doesn't matter as much as someone elses?

Yeah - leave him. He's not for you. It's not your responsibility to save a damaged man who's an arse to you. Fuck him.

OP, it really sounds like you need some kind of therapy.

Yeah, hes emotionally unavailable and abusive. Either put up with it or end the relationship because he won't change.

Leave him. If this was your daughter what would you say? Don’t turn this inward and think you are doing something wrong, it is he who is unable to behave like an adult. Liking your partner, being kind and respectful, and caring about them is basic level stuff and he’s not able to do that. There is nothing you can do to change his behaviour, don’t bash your head against a brick wall. It is scary to leave but you must. If you feel unable to do it now, seek therapy. Share this with people in real life so you can build strength with support around you. Good luck. You deserve better.

You don’t have to live like this. He has ruined your self esteem but there is a very simple solution that doesn’t feel simple - break up