To have been forcibly told to F**K OFF by my partner.......again

[onarollercoaster]

I need some advice for clarity please.

Been with partner for 7 years and things are not great right now and to a degree when I look back things have always been tough.

He is almost completely emotionally unavailable and this has been a huge struggle for me as I need physical touch, hugs, comforting when the shite hits the fan or just normal, kiss when you leave for work, a hug before bed etc. I have to ask for it constantly, I feel like I'm begging for affection for the last 7 years. Nothing over the top though, I'm not clingy or super hand holding etc in public. But for example, he could (and has done repeatedly over the years) sat and watched TV knowing I'm crying literally sat beside him over, lets say a close family bereavement etc, and he doesn't even acknowledge me.

Anyway fast forward to a couple of weeks ago and I wanted to discuss something which we have discussed previously, not relationship, just something practical, but I'm the type of person who needs to think things through, totally understand it and then make a decision, so sometimes, I have to talk it through a coupe of times.

Well, this lit a fuse and before I knew it he was screaming and shouting at me, telling me to 'just F**K OFF!, then continued screaming and shouting about the house until he left. I was speechless and felt like shit.

The worst thing is this isn't the first time.

I don't even really know what I'm asking for, just some support please.

It's really hurtful being treated like that, and it just feels terrible. I don't want to live like this :(

What’s the housing situation?

Open your eyes OP. He is not prioritising you in any way. Words are cheap and of course he says he loves you when you mention leaving because at present he's got you where wants you. But where is the love, care and respect that you deserve? This man is an abusive bully, for once prioritise yourself and walk away.

Men like this will always have problems at work! They can't get along with people and they get really angry and shout insulting things. You are putting up with him, God knows why, but work doesn't have to. For heaven's sake leave him before he gets fired. Then you will feel sorry for him and he'll be even more angry. I assume you live together? If not then the problem is easily solved. If you do well, you know the expression about getting your ducks in the row? Start to do that now.

As a general rule, stop being sorry for people who are absolutely horrible to him. Just avoid them wherever possible.

Don’t listen to his words on the rare occasion he uses nice ones.
Look at his actions, he definitely doesn’t like you or love you. You must be bringing something to the table he needs- do you do all the cooking, cleaning, contribute to the bills etc?

You would be really really foolish to stay with him. You get one life.

Ain't that the truth! 😖I've just started some and it has helped me unravel some thoughts already

I want to explain a very common misconception.

People use the word 'love' for two very different things. It can mean either:

• I love how you make me feel. I love that you take care of me. I love that you make me happy. I love that you sacrifice your needs for mine. I love what you do for me... Basically, the love they feel is for themselves, not for you. They know that you can contribute to their wellbeing, and they like that. You are nothing but an instrument to their happiness.
• I love you as a person. Your happiness makes me happy, regardless of what I can get out of it. I care so deeply about you that even when I'm suffering or even when I'm lacking in some way, I can enjoy seeing your happiness. If your happiness would ever be jeopardized by my presence in your life, I would set myself aside and rather know you're happy without me than hold you hostage for my benefit.

Let that sink in.
I agree with what the previous poster said. He does not love you, and when he says he does he actually means that he loves how you contribute to his happiness. He doesn't care about you at all.

He can’t give you love in the way you want, and you won’t be able to change him. You may be someone who wants to ‘rescue’ people (I’m the same). Sadly rescuing people rarely makes you happy as some simply do not want to be rescued.

Take a step back and see what happens. If only to protect yourself. It comes down to what you are prepared to accept in a relationship. A few kind words would not be enough for me - he’s either all in or out of the door…

Fuck that. Run.

Another person here who doesn't think it sounds like he even likes you...
It's very easy to say you love someone when they want to leave, because it's a way to make them stay and be your emotional crutch. People like this will cry and behave like they are devastated if you want to leave, but they are doing it because they don't want things to change, they don't want to be responsible for themselves, they don't want to have to do the life shift (cooking/cleaning) by themselves. They can put on a really good act of devastation. But if someone doesn't treat you like they even like you most of the time, but claim to love you, they don't love you. We uplift those we love. We want to see them smile and be happy. We want to solve problems together. We want to give them our best. This man doesn't love or like you.

This is absolutely not your responsibility. He's violent and he tells you to fuck off. Perhaps he needs to be made to realise the consequences of his behaviour.

I agree with PP. You have already wasted seven years of your one precious life on this abusive man.

Are you really going to waste what’s left?

I just feel like I can't trust my own feelings

So don't make the decision based on your feelings.
Make it based on logic.

You can't communicate, you argue, he gets violently angry to the point he is throwing furniture, he doesn't give you the affection you need, you make each other miserable.
Are these not enough reasons to end it?

Read this very carefully and understand it:
You are not responsible for his feelings.

Sometimes in life, you end up hurting people, through no fault of your own. That is life. You cannot hope to go through life never hurting other people. It just happens.
The fact that he will be hurt if you end it is absolutely in no way a good reason to stay in the relationship.

They say they love you when it's died down after they have abused you. It's the abuse cycle. They sometimes say sorry. I used to have to ask them to say sorry. They always do it again. You end up numb in the end. Then one day hopefully you will snap and leave. I did it after 21 years and so can you. Go to woman's aid. They can get you a support worker. Emotional abuse is abuse too. You will minimize it while you are with him. He may say things like you are going over the top. I have been gone 3 years I had no money nothing of my own. I'm getting married to a non abusive man next week. The difference is unbelievable. I never thought I would do it. I'm still amazed. Xx

This is perfect. Analyse it as much as you need to, but make sure it ends up at this conclusion.

if he is as unhappy as I am which I’m certain he is, why can’t he just end it instead of me? And ask me to go, I hate that I know I will be the one who has to make that decision and then another thing which will be my fault 😭

I read something that said if someone becomes overwhelmed when their partner needs support it's because their own needs aren't being met. It really resonated with me because I was feeling that way when my DH wanted emotional support. I realised that I wasn't getting what I needed from the relationship and that was preventing me being able to give my DH what he needs.
The default advice on here is usually LTB but you say that is too difficult now so I thought that perspective may help. Try and talk to your DH about what he needs and both work together to meet each others needs.

Sweetheart, if he's throwing furniture, you are in an abusive relationship with a violent man.

When he says he loves you, he's lying. He's using the L word to manipulate you into staying with him, so he gets whatever services you provide plus someone to bully. You are not responsible for his feelings, either for creating them in the first place or for helping him manage them. If a breakup would be painful for him, you can acknowledge that, but it's not your job to protect him from emotional pain. He is an adult. Trust him to cope with it like an adult. Let him feel bad. It won't kill him. He'll survive. He might not like it, but that's okay.

Please phone women's aid and talk to them about it, and if you can afford it, find a therapist to talk through your codependent traits with.

And please don't have children with him (if you don't have them already).

OP: I know it will be painful and messy and I've had a lot of losses in the last couple of years and haven't been able to deal with anymore pain at the moment

Sorry for your losses .... It will be tough to leave, but in the long run, you'll be saving yourself an awful lot of future pain by ending the relationship now.

Because he's not unhappy, he's getting his needs met - you are someone he can confidently abuse and bully, which makes him feel better, without fear of consequences.

Oh OP you are wasting your precious time. "But he says he loves me". Please. Do you feel loved?

This 👆

Stop begging for scraps from this piece of crap.

By you staying, you're letting him treat you like this. You don't need clarity, you need to leave.

Dont waste any more precious time.

Built a case file of all the times he made you feel like shit and wasn’t emotionally available, present it to him, say I’m done. Move on with your life, happily ever after. Put yourself and your needs first. I would not look back, but take time to heal yourself, you really need to show up for yourself. That’s my opinion.

He targeted you and also sensed that your people pleaser nature could be used to his advantage.

Do get therapy for your people pleasing; it’s doing you no favours at all in life and in addition makes you v attractive to low life’s like this individual. You bloody well matter too so who taught you to put their needs first with your own dead last (your parents most likely).

He won’t end it because he likes having you around (you likely do most of the household chores ) and he gets to verbally abuse you as well as a bonus . A win win for him. And if he dumped you he would have to start again to find another stupid sap of a woman to charm and that takes effort: he being lazy does not want to do that.

Such men truly hate women and all of them.
you have a choice re him so make better choices for yourself. How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

He doesn't care about you or your problems, so why should you care about his?