To have been forcibly told to F**K OFF by my partner.......again

[onarollercoaster]

I need some advice for clarity please.

Been with partner for 7 years and things are not great right now and to a degree when I look back things have always been tough.

He is almost completely emotionally unavailable and this has been a huge struggle for me as I need physical touch, hugs, comforting when the shite hits the fan or just normal, kiss when you leave for work, a hug before bed etc. I have to ask for it constantly, I feel like I'm begging for affection for the last 7 years. Nothing over the top though, I'm not clingy or super hand holding etc in public. But for example, he could (and has done repeatedly over the years) sat and watched TV knowing I'm crying literally sat beside him over, lets say a close family bereavement etc, and he doesn't even acknowledge me.

Anyway fast forward to a couple of weeks ago and I wanted to discuss something which we have discussed previously, not relationship, just something practical, but I'm the type of person who needs to think things through, totally understand it and then make a decision, so sometimes, I have to talk it through a coupe of times.

Well, this lit a fuse and before I knew it he was screaming and shouting at me, telling me to 'just F**K OFF!, then continued screaming and shouting about the house until he left. I was speechless and felt like shit.

The worst thing is this isn't the first time.

I don't even really know what I'm asking for, just some support please.

It's really hurtful being treated like that, and it just feels terrible. I don't want to live like this :(

I will be the one who has to make that decision and then another thing which will be my fault

Wrong. The logic here is incorrect.
Just because it is your decision to end it, does not make it your 'fault' that it ended.
You could say it was his fault (for being abusive and not meeting your needs), or you could say it was no-ones fault, just a relationship that didn't work out.

But the fact you decide to end it doesn't make it your fault it ended - it just means you were the one to finally have the courage and maturity to do what needed to be done.

Could be a million reasons why he doesn't end it, but it's not your problem. I had a similarly cold, emotionally abusive ex who went in cycles of saying I was his soul mate then screaming at me that I made him miserable and he couldn't live with me for much longer. I spent years desperately trying to 'change' to make him happy, till one day it just snapped and I said fair enough, I'll leave. As I was packing my bags he was on the floor sobbing 🤷🏼‍♀️

I wasted 4 years of my life taking shit from a partner because he'd had a tough life, he loved me, I didn't want to hurt him. Fortunately I was only 20 when I saw sense.

I've spent the last 20 years with a wonderful man who makes me laugh every day, makes me feel safe, and has supported me through the absolute worst of times.

What about your feelings? Why does this abusive man matter more than you? It won't get better. Leave.

OP when he says I love you he means the way you allow him to live the way he does. It’s so much easier when you are around. Do you cook, clean, keep house, sleep with him, wash his clothes etc? He LOVES that that’s why he won’t ask you to leave coz he’d have to put some effort into looking after himself and finding someone for sex. He doesn’t love you the person - you’ve got to do what he does - put yourself first and leave but the difference is you won’t treat people like dirt ( raise your bar and leave him)

Is he on drugs?!
do you share a mortgage?
if not go!!!! Maybe contact women’s aid for some encouragement and guidance.
Are there any children involved?

The thing is, you are so incompatible that your needs are an extra burden on him. He's being abusive to you OP. You can't meet his and he can't meet yours.

There's nothing wrong with your needs and I can guarantee there are men whos needs are similar and will be able to make you feel safe. This man doesn't make you feel safe.

You are wasting your time with him and I can guarantee if he meets someone who he's more aligned with, he won't look back at you or the care you've poured into him.

Let him go.

This is going to sound harsh and it’s not meant that way but I don’t think he’s the problem. I don’t think this relationship is the problem. It’s a symptom; it’s obviously toxic and it needs to end. But the problem is your inability to take care of yourself.
You are clearly not stupid. You know what needs to be done but you want him to do it for you. And I doubt this lack of action and independence confines itself just to your relationship. Generally when someone is this passive and fearful it carries through other areas of their life. It seems to me that, for some reason, you have lost your ability to do hard things and this is what therapy should focus on. You need to find your voice.

You speak about him as though he's a street dog you took in and you're now afraid to leave in case he gets put to sleep.

I can almost guarantee, OP, that he will find some other susceptible soul to dote on him as soon as the door closes behind you. He clearly has a high degree of charisma otherwise you wouldn't have stayed this long. Leave him and go and live a happy life.

It’s not your job to fix him. Read about the sink cost fallacy, put on your big girl pants, and move on. Do not waste another day with someone who clearly does not love you or care for you.

he says he loves you because he wants someone to feed and house him. Tell him to fuck of and find another emotional punch bag.

I had a husband like this. It wasn’t always bad. Certainly not in the early days! Gradually happened and over time, became more frequent, until I was treading on eggshells. I recall saying to him once ‘You say you love me but you act like you don’t even like me’ and he looked shocked. He too had his own problems but in the end I realised we were both miserable and did us both a favour and ended it.
It was tough the first few months, standing on my own two feet but emotionally, he hadn’t been available for a long time. He moved on within a couple of weeks (says there was no overlap but I suspect that he had her lined up!).
You need to do what’s best for you. You’re not going to help him with his issues and he’s only dragging you down.

No drugs
no children
no mortgage
no ties 🍀

Please give examples of how he shows this love he claims to have for you?

His version of love is providing for so providing house, money, doing things for me, fixing stuff, etc he says I don’t appreciate all the things he does
but all I really want is to be held and allowed to cry when I’m upset - me crying makes him get real mad sometimes

Kindly OP, he’s not a partner, he’s an abusive shit and you’re a punchbag. He deserves neither your kindness or sympathy. He’s responsible for his shitty decisions, not you. I hope you have somewhere to go and you must leave. Also do The Freedom Programme which will help you unravel this and your decisions going forward.

I am assuming you are looking for another answer other than you no doubt wash his clothes, make his meals, have sex with him because you admit you put him first. Why does it matter if it is seen as your fault if this ends? Who is thinking this? Why do their thoughts matter over your own happiness?

Men usually leave when they find another girlfriend. Leaving this relationship requires effort, finding somewhere to live, coming up with the money for the deposit, the mental task of deciding who gets what in the split. He can't be arsed but he doesn't like you very much. Why are you not saying, I deserve better than this? Because you absolutely do. You need to get past the sunken cost fallacy, it doesn't matter how long you have been together, it isn't working for either of you.

Why is his happiness more important than yours? Why are you putting him first because he isn't putting you first? A healthy relationship isn't like this. You have no ties, this is easier than you think. Talk to Women's Aid, talk to people in real life too. Get the support you need.

Advocate for yourself and make some changes in your life to make you your number 1 priority.

You deserve happiness and love and you’re not getting it here.

He is not your responsibility.

I don’t understand why you want him to be the one to end it?

Surely by you being the one to do so, you are showing:

a. Yourself that you won’t put up with second best. That you are not going to settle and that you value your worth.

b. Him that you won’t put up with him being an abusive little prick. That you are worthy of better and you’re the one in control.

You get one life. Imagine one day having a daughter and her writing this thread. What would you be saying to her? What exactly would you be saying?

What makes you think you’re worth any less? Take control. Bin this selfish violent manchild who has lied about caring for you.

He doesn’t love you.
The signs are everywhere.
Get out. Don’t look back. It wont be messy. Not if you put yourself first.

Fuck that, he obviously doesn't like you. You worry about you - he is a shit that doesn't deserve your worries!

What makes you think he's unhappy with this arrangement?
He gets everything he wants out of this.

Do you have the belief that if he were happy, if you made him happy enough, you'll be rewarded by him being nice to you?

This is false and will never happen.
He will not turn into a nice person if you love him hard enough. Stop believing this fairy tale.

What makes him happy, is having someone take care of all of his needs, and having an outlet for all his agression and frustration.
He gets homecooked meals, clean sheets, fresh laundry, his kids are taken care of. AND as an added bonus, he gets to take all of his rage out on you.
He's living his dream life.
Realise this. Abusing you and your children is the life he wants to be leading.
Why would he ever leave?
He's not the one miserable in this situation. He's not the victim. You and your children are.
Leaving will be up to you.

Don’t put up with this, OP. Nobody should speak to you like that, least of all your partner.

Stop being a doormat!! Find your self worth a kick him to the curb. He’s horrible and not giving you what you want or need.

raise your bar!!

Then you can add emotionally abusive to this prince’s list of achievements.

Seriously, OP? He deserves to be on his own. He’s genuinely awful.

Thank you for your message. :)
Deep down, i really think I know this is the truth 'sinking feeling'

You don’t exist to keep him happy, or help him avoid the consequences of his own actions.

You exist to have a life that satisfies you- fulfilling and enjoyable. Not where you are dodging verbal abuse from a man who won’t let you speak.

Your job isn’t to make him happy, it’s to make yourself happy.

If he put you first, you could put him first but he doesn’t.

So get on with being you and let him live his life, too.

As for ‘will you throw this away over a row?’, he repeatedly broke it. Why would you keep fixing it? Throw it away.

what was funny with my XH..he became miserable and implied it was me dragging him down. I became miserable too. We split up. I’m so, so much happier without him (pushed myself to be more independent, got a new job with promotion and pay rise). He’s met someone else. He claims to be happy with his ‘soul mate’ (something he said he didn’t believe in when he was with me) and yet he still seems like a miserable sod in a different location!