Finding out my dead dad’s secrets

[Marsh921]

My wonderful father died a couple of months ago. He really was the most kind and considerate man, a gentleman and an all-round good egg. He was with my mum for over 50 years and they always seemed very in love still and had very intelligent vibrant conversations. They travelled lots and had a good social life. We had an idyllic childhood in an old wonky house with a big garden where my Mum cooked delicious food for us all the time and we had a good education thanks to the help of the wider family. We have been heartbroken by his death and everyone that knows him has been regaling us with wonderful stories about him and how much he helped and supported them etc. it’s been a really hard summer. My mum has been cleaning out lots of things from the house and gave me his tablet as she has her own iPad. I was looking through it this week and found some strange emails. I started investigating and found myself reading email exchanges with other women. I found that he had another email account with a pseudo name (which I can’t get into currently). What I could glean is that he had an affair about 15 years ago and was meeting other women for sex centred around BDSM. I can’t believe he even knows what it is - it was sickening reading the lingo he used - I think he must have been part of that world more than I realise. He was meeting women the same age as me, his daughter and saying they could call him “Daddy”. I’ve been shellshocked for the last few days. I’m by no means blind to human behaviour and the behaviour of men in particular, it’s just that there was never any inkling that he was like that which is why I’m so shocked. I never even heard him make any “male” jokes about women or say anything derogatory or even slightly flirtatious. He was just so honorable and kind. It’s unbelievable that he was part of this world and seemed to show no signs of guilt or remorse, how could the person I know behave like that? This knowledge has terminated my grief process because I don’t feel I can grieve the person I knew - as it seems I didn’t know him. It would kill my Mum to find out and I don’t know how I’m going to sit on the information. Sometimes I think I should give her the dignity of truth but equally the thought of breaking her world apart kills me when she has done nothing else in her life apart from make all of our lives run more smoothly with a lot of magic thrown in. I hate that he did this and now it’s my burden. In his emails with one woman, he even mentioned a friend that could join him which I worked out was a family friend that has been close to our family for years. I can’t believe my dad would be so unashamed of his behaviour that he shared it with a friend (who was my mums best friends husband). It’s all so disgusting and I don’t think I’ve even scratched the surface. How do I go on knowing what I know!?

Gosh I’m so sorry @Marsh921 what an awful shock. Neither of my parents are who I thought them to be when I was young but it all came out over the years. I imagine only seeing it after they have passed must feel like you are stuck. I wouldn’t tell your mum — at least for now. It won’t help her it will just hurt. I would suggest having therapy to deal with the grief and this shocking experience. Perhaps I would be inclined to speak to your mums friend’s husband for more insight but ultimately nothing you hear will make it better. It’s just something you will need to work through. He clearly had a side to him you didn’t know but it doesn’t mean the man you loved was not part of who he was too.

I'm sorry you found that out, it must be so hard to process at the moment.
I think in all honesty I wouldnt have uncovered more or dug any deeper after seeing the first email. Easier said than done I know.
But seriously you need let sleeping dogs lie and not burden your mum with this. She doesn't need to know and you could end up copping for it too as your dad isnt here to take the brunt of her anger.

Absolutely devastating for you OP. I'm really sorry for you finding this out.

Normally I 'm not a one for secrets and think honesty and openess is the best way but I really don't see how sharing this knowledge with your mum would do any one any good and may do a lot of harm.

Do you have a close friend or someone you trust that you could talk to about this? Just so that you can unburden yourself and not feel you have to carry this secret by yourself?

Sending you best wishes.

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I’m so sorry op, this is a brutal truth to find. If you’re able to find a good therapist I think it would help you offload and process this - it’s definitely a burden to bare and doing it alone will likely have a very real impact on you.

Firstly I’m so sorry for your loss.
It doesn’t change who he was as a person to you because he had sexual kinks you don’t approve of. Remember him for how he was to you, that’s what is important. Don’t tar his memory with what you have discovered, although it is definitely an obvious shock for you. It won’t change things but only cause more pain and heartache.
People, even the best of us have secrets.

How sad for you to stumble upon this. Don’t tell your mum, she may well know, but knowing you know could be very painful.

Too late for this now, but a salient lesson that you should never look into people’s devices. I wiped my dad’s when he died.

I’m really sorry you’ve seen this, OP, it must have been a horrible shock. Do you think your mum is aware? It’s pointless saying I hope you’re ok, this isn’t something you can just get over. Big hugs.

@Marsh921I'm really sorry you have discovered this, what a devastating shock. You have seen a different part of your dad that you never knew existed, but you still lived him, and him you. Hopefully with time the shock will lessen. Why don’t you wipe the iPad to try and help you move forward?

Please do not tell your mum, as there is nothing for anyone to gain by doing so.

Don’t tell your mum and wipe the device. People like different things, including sexually, and that doesn’t change who they are as a person.

It has clearly been an awful shock for you but just because he has died didn’t make it right for you to invade his privacy and read his personal emails. You can’t change what you’ve done but you can make sure you stop now and have the decency not to reveal what you have found to any of his friends or your family.

Im
very sorry that youve found this out . Most daughters idolise their dads and it’s very hard to find out that our heroes are also imperfect humans .

i would ask yourself what it would achieve for your mum to know - not a lot apart from heartache I imagine .
id delete the device and let your dad and his secrets rest in peace .

How horrible, I'm so sorry.

I would get some grief counselling to work through your feelings.

Don't tell your mum, ever.

My Dad died a year or so ago and it never occurred to me to go through his emails. I just didn't feel I had the right to, they were private to him.
I don't think you should tell your Mum, what's to be gained except you sharing the burden. For all you know she might have known.
I wouldn't let this spoil your love for him though, if he was a good Dad to you that all that matters now.
Lastly I'm sorry for your loss, it sounded like your Dad gave you a lovely childhood and I hope you find your peace with things eventually.

Absolutely do not tell your mum.
I really wouldn’t have read another person’s emails!!!!
just wipe the device and keep the secret.

It doesn’t change who they are as a person ??

This makes no sense. OPs dad was a person. The information OP has gained is about his life as a person. I can really, really empathise with OPs feelings (something similar has happened to me). But it’s not a separate life lived by an avatar. It’s what a real person actually thought, felt and did.

BDSM is not a harmless parallel universe. It’s not something that ‘nice’ people do when they are free from their bodies in imaginary cyberspace or a Premier Inn far from home. Everything you do is real, even when you keep it secret from your lovely family. We would all be a lot healthier and happier if we understood that.

I’m sorry you’ve been through this, OP. When my dad died, I found myself in charge of his computer. Naturally, I had a little look through the tabs that were open, including a particularly horrible email chain arguing with his sister. I thought long and hard and decided to log him out of it permanently, then got rid of it.

As humans we all have secrets, but sometimes ignorance is bliss. I’m under no illusion that my dad was perfect - far from it. But for me, it was far more important to preserve the precious memories I had of the person I knew. Although it sometimes piques my interest what I might have found out, it was definitely the right decision for me. Just sharing in case it offers a slightly different perspective. I’m sorry for your loss and the hard time you’re going through now.

So sorry OP, what a shock. I agree it would just hurt your mom unnecessarily. Probably best to keep the secret. I don’t think the BDSM itself is hard to accept, some people have kinks like that, it’s that he cheated on your mom. Maybe tell yourself in that generation, it was more common? I guess it didn’t make him love you any less though. Therapy sounds like a good idea.

Of course nobody is perfect. That absolutely goes without saying and applies to every human being who has ever lived. Popes, Dalai Lamas and national treasures like David Attenborough etc etc.

BUT, BUT. Meeting for BDSM sex on multiple occasions with someone the same age as your child who calls you daddy ? No. That’s not something you react to with a rueful shrug. We are what we do. Not how we appear.

Say nothing and wipe the computer. Reading his emails is a bit like reading his diary. It's not something you should have done and you certainly shouldn't have continue once you realise the nature of the emails.

More than one thing can be true about someone. He can be a wonderful and living father and also be a cheating (we are assuming your mum didnt know) disloyal prick. Your dad was your dad and your memories of a loving caring father are real. Unfortunately, like us all he was fallible. I don't know anyone without shit they are ashamed of. Maybe he wasn't ashamed but that was also a part of him. People are very complex.

Please don't tell your mother. I'm so sorry you've seen this and are going through it. But imagine the shock for your poor mum, if you're feeling it, it will thricefold for her.

He isn't there to rant and rave at and she can get no answers. Is there anyone you can tell in confidence, a friend who is not party to any of your family? If not therapy is a strong suggestion. You've got a lot to unpack here and safely.

Words of advice from someone who also carries this burden.
I found letters that my dad had written (like these emails) when I was a young teen. I am late 40s now.
It was pre internet (hence why these were letters rather than emails and my dad died never knowing I knew. He also died leaving a lot of debt that he's hidden.
I never told my mum and never will.
I wouldn't tell yours either. What would it achieve?

This can cause a trust wound and affect the way you approach your own relationship or future ones. Don't let it. My own situation has let me to hyper vigilance in relationships and mistrust of men.
Consider counselling so that you can process it and make sure that you don't let this new knowledge effect you and how you deal with stuff going forward. I would say that is your main danger and should be your focus now.

Are you winding the op up?

No, I think she’s winding up the posters who are suggesting the OP is a kink-shaming prude who really ought to be celebrating her late father’s complex and beautiful sexuality and be pleased for him that he had the courage to be true to himself (behind his wife’s back).

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. My dad died recently too and I know how it feels to have a pillar knocked out from under you.

I had therapy and I deal with my grief (my dads death was very sudden) and I'd really recommend it. You say your grieving process has been terminated - you will need something to move you through it again so you don't get stuck, like I was. It will take time, but with the shock you have had, you will likely benefit from unpacking it with someone who is just there to listen.

I also understand going through the computer. I did the same. I wanted him back, and reading things he wrote felt like the closest I could get.

What I would say, is something my therapist said to me - what you felt was real. If you felt loved, and safe, and also love and respect for him while he was alive - that's all real. What you've found out about him doesn't take any of that away.

I wouldn't tell your mum. I appreciate you probably have a lot of anger towards him for putting you through this, and you can work through that anger, maybe in therapy if you decide to go down that route. But I wouldn't tell her.

So sorry for your loss but you really should not have read his emails. You say you “started investigating”, well that’s where you went wrong, you should have wiped everything if you wanted to use the device.
I expect he’d be absolutely devastated to know his daughter read through years of his emails.
And please do not tell your mum, it will destroy her.