Finding out my dead dad’s secrets

[Marsh921]

My wonderful father died a couple of months ago. He really was the most kind and considerate man, a gentleman and an all-round good egg. He was with my mum for over 50 years and they always seemed very in love still and had very intelligent vibrant conversations. They travelled lots and had a good social life. We had an idyllic childhood in an old wonky house with a big garden where my Mum cooked delicious food for us all the time and we had a good education thanks to the help of the wider family. We have been heartbroken by his death and everyone that knows him has been regaling us with wonderful stories about him and how much he helped and supported them etc. it’s been a really hard summer. My mum has been cleaning out lots of things from the house and gave me his tablet as she has her own iPad. I was looking through it this week and found some strange emails. I started investigating and found myself reading email exchanges with other women. I found that he had another email account with a pseudo name (which I can’t get into currently). What I could glean is that he had an affair about 15 years ago and was meeting other women for sex centred around BDSM. I can’t believe he even knows what it is - it was sickening reading the lingo he used - I think he must have been part of that world more than I realise. He was meeting women the same age as me, his daughter and saying they could call him “Daddy”. I’ve been shellshocked for the last few days. I’m by no means blind to human behaviour and the behaviour of men in particular, it’s just that there was never any inkling that he was like that which is why I’m so shocked. I never even heard him make any “male” jokes about women or say anything derogatory or even slightly flirtatious. He was just so honorable and kind. It’s unbelievable that he was part of this world and seemed to show no signs of guilt or remorse, how could the person I know behave like that? This knowledge has terminated my grief process because I don’t feel I can grieve the person I knew - as it seems I didn’t know him. It would kill my Mum to find out and I don’t know how I’m going to sit on the information. Sometimes I think I should give her the dignity of truth but equally the thought of breaking her world apart kills me when she has done nothing else in her life apart from make all of our lives run more smoothly with a lot of magic thrown in. I hate that he did this and now it’s my burden. In his emails with one woman, he even mentioned a friend that could join him which I worked out was a family friend that has been close to our family for years. I can’t believe my dad would be so unashamed of his behaviour that he shared it with a friend (who was my mums best friends husband). It’s all so disgusting and I don’t think I’ve even scratched the surface. How do I go on knowing what I know!?

Unfortunately, the shock of seeing some naked photos pushed me to read some more of the attachments and then I had to know the truth

Oh op, when you saw the naked photos you should have stopped there, not gone delving further.

i would recommend you wipe the tablet and not say anything to your mother.

I’m really shocked at some of these responses! As if it’s the Op fault when she legitimately had access to her dad’s accounts to close down the estate and she now she’s told she shouldn’t have looked and now ignore it. Let’s face it if Op said she’d found this out about her dead husband people would be telling her he clearly wasn’t the doting family man he pretended to be. And if the husband had been alive they’d be telling her to leave him and take him to the cleaners in a divorce!

It’s natural this is going to take a lot of time to process for Op and really harmful to say just ignore it. And only Op can decide who in her family to tell. Personally I’d want to know if my whole life had been a lie. It can’t be assumed the mum knew this and condoned it. And I think I’d tell my own mum but it’d depend on her health and how much she relied on that narrative of ‘I had a good husband’ to feel ok in life. My friend would just never tell.

But I think something like this is deeply shocking to any loved one - discovering a whole hidden life built on lies. Every adult is allowed the consensual adult relationships of their choice, kinks allowed - yes. But it’s not at all clear that Ops mother would have consented to her husband cheating or wanted to continue putting her own sexual health at risk with him. Had her husband come clean she may well have left him or maybe never have married him. For all we know the OP’s mum spent years being gaslighted and told she was mad every time she found something suspicious or he disappeared off etc. There is no reason at all to think the Op mum was waving him off with cheery smile as he went out to hook up with girls his daughters age.

And the fact is the Op is now left with this terrible weight on her shoulders caused by her father’s actions - not hers. The Op did what she was asked to do with free and open access to his email and his consent. The fact he had not hidden his hidden life very thoroughly is his fault!

Of course the OP was going to delve deeper. I defy anyone to say in all honesty that they wouldn't if it was their husband or father. We're not talking about a work colleague here! I'm so sorry for what is essentially a double loss OP. You also discovered that the wholesome, nice family friend was onboard with it all too. Unfortunately all of this just reaffirms my opinion of men.

How horrible for you.
Agree that you shouldn’t tell your mum but would seek support for yourself (professional) as it’s a lot to keep in.