Finding out my dead dad’s secrets

[Marsh921]

My wonderful father died a couple of months ago. He really was the most kind and considerate man, a gentleman and an all-round good egg. He was with my mum for over 50 years and they always seemed very in love still and had very intelligent vibrant conversations. They travelled lots and had a good social life. We had an idyllic childhood in an old wonky house with a big garden where my Mum cooked delicious food for us all the time and we had a good education thanks to the help of the wider family. We have been heartbroken by his death and everyone that knows him has been regaling us with wonderful stories about him and how much he helped and supported them etc. it’s been a really hard summer. My mum has been cleaning out lots of things from the house and gave me his tablet as she has her own iPad. I was looking through it this week and found some strange emails. I started investigating and found myself reading email exchanges with other women. I found that he had another email account with a pseudo name (which I can’t get into currently). What I could glean is that he had an affair about 15 years ago and was meeting other women for sex centred around BDSM. I can’t believe he even knows what it is - it was sickening reading the lingo he used - I think he must have been part of that world more than I realise. He was meeting women the same age as me, his daughter and saying they could call him “Daddy”. I’ve been shellshocked for the last few days. I’m by no means blind to human behaviour and the behaviour of men in particular, it’s just that there was never any inkling that he was like that which is why I’m so shocked. I never even heard him make any “male” jokes about women or say anything derogatory or even slightly flirtatious. He was just so honorable and kind. It’s unbelievable that he was part of this world and seemed to show no signs of guilt or remorse, how could the person I know behave like that? This knowledge has terminated my grief process because I don’t feel I can grieve the person I knew - as it seems I didn’t know him. It would kill my Mum to find out and I don’t know how I’m going to sit on the information. Sometimes I think I should give her the dignity of truth but equally the thought of breaking her world apart kills me when she has done nothing else in her life apart from make all of our lives run more smoothly with a lot of magic thrown in. I hate that he did this and now it’s my burden. In his emails with one woman, he even mentioned a friend that could join him which I worked out was a family friend that has been close to our family for years. I can’t believe my dad would be so unashamed of his behaviour that he shared it with a friend (who was my mums best friends husband). It’s all so disgusting and I don’t think I’ve even scratched the surface. How do I go on knowing what I know!?

I know you don't want to tell your mum, which is probably the right call. But don't assume she doesn't at lest know something.

I worked with a guy who was supposedly happily married, but was having a long term affair. Turned out the wife new but just turned a blind eye to it.

I'm so sorry for your loss but you should never have been reading his personal emails anyway. Your mum probably knows, don't tell her, get some therapy and for goodness sake don't go snooping anymore, no good can come of it. Your dad is still your dad, you never know everything about your parents, as it should be.

I wouldn’t tell your mother - it’s made you feel bad, so imagine how awful your mum will feel if she finds out. He has made her life with him a lie (if she doesn’t know and hadn’t just turned a blind eye). I would assume she doesn’t already know otherwise she wouldn’t have just given you the tablet incase there was anything incriminating.

I think I would stop grieving in your shoes too, I wouldn’t be able to get over what a skilled liar he was. Living a squeaky clean, perfect superman persona, while at the same time living a deviant lifestyle making women as young as you call him Daddy. It’s so sticky handed, and the 2 versions of him don’t seem to line up at all. I really feel sorry for you finding out this information. I would also suggest therapy because it’s a lot to process alone.

I wouldn't tell your mum. If she knows, she is going to have to deal with you knowing. If she doesn't know, she could end up questioning the authenticity of her whole married life as well as having to deal with you knowing. No upside.

Try and separate your Dad as a Dad and your Dad as an individual person/husband.

Parents are still human, have secrets and don’t always make great choices but that doesn’t take away from what you meant to each other.

His kinks / sexual preferences were not going to be something you ever knew about or even considered. I agree with OP that you should have probably stopped when you found the first email. Please don’t try getting into this other email account. Whether you approve or not, this stuff should be kept private, he shouldn’t lose his right to a private life as he has died. Please stop trying to find out more and whatever you do, please do not blow up your mother’s world with info that you shouldn’t know anyway. He was still your father. Clear the tablet and do not share with anyone.

My parents were divorced when my dad died but messages on his phone referred to the fact that he was often unfaithful to her when they were together. I’ve never told anyone IRL. I am 100% not telling my mum and I don’t want to worsen the betrayal by adding to the number of people who know when she doesn’t. My dad wasn’t a good dad (or a good husband, clearly) so I imagine this was easier for me than it has been for you. There was no fall from grace when I found out (although I didn’t know he cheated and I know my mum doesn’t know either). I’m sorry you are going through this.

I agree with @CinammonSquirrels. Your Mum may know more than you think, but it will hugely upset her to know what you’ve found out.

I also agree with PP’s that if you need to talk about this (which you probably do), speak to a counselor or a very close, trusted friend. 💐

Sorry for your loss this all sounds incredibly stressful.
I would wipe the laptop, don't dig any furher and try to forget you every saw it. You have been privvy to your dads prjvate sex life and whatever someone ls sex life includes, it really isnt something that their children should be looking into.
I take it that nothing you have seen is illegal, just from your perspective you dont approve, but really it is none of your business and doesnt change who he is to you.
Lots of people have sexual kinks, fantasys that they play out in the bedroom but arw nothing to do with their family or other parts of their life.

What a shock and sorry for your loss. Look at it this way, your dads sex life was never and still isn’t any of your business, you know the part of him you’re supposed to. He’s your dad, what he was in to sexually was never something you should know about. You also have no idea if your mum was aware or not. Either way forget about that you’ve found out about and do not let it change your opinion of him as much as that’s possible, since the genies out the bottle. Just keep telling yourself, it’s none of my business and stop trying to find out more.

My DW had the misfortune of looking at her 81 year old DGF sky bill, saw he was buying porn the night before he died. Bless him, just have to mind your own business and forget about it. Her DGM had wanted to know what they were paying for, she told her the sex channels are on there and she was horrified and so I gave my DW a nudge and told her it was probably just because they have the full sky package and have never asked for them to be removed and my DW got on board and we covered for him. But he’d been paying to download extra films so that wasn’t true but no point in shaming him once he’s gone, would have just upset his wife and has horrified his granddaughter but it’s not illegal

Yes, exactly

I’m so sorry OP. Please don’t tell your mum. It doesn’t mean the man you loved wasn’t real but he had this other side he believed could be kept separate. And he didn’t believe he would die and you’d read his private messages.

When it comes to infidelity, NO MAN’S character is to be relied on.

I would suggest having therapy to deal with the grief and this shocking experience

This, this, this. A trained counsellor will help you work through this and cope with it without telling your mum, as well as processing your grief. Money well spent.

I agree with this, please don’t tell your Mother, it won’t serve any purpose other than to devastate her. My husband found out something similarly shocking about his father after his death, the difference being his Mother did know about it and told us herself. It doesn’t alter the fact that he was a loving and caring father, and, for the most part, a very good husband too.

As I have got older I have reached the conclusion that we never truly know anyone, no matter how close to us they have been. Some people have to keep parts of their personality, and their desires, secret from loved ones as they would be deemed unacceptable. I expect that your father loved you all very much (from the details that you have given), but had a side to him that he needed fulfilled in this way. I am not condoning what he did, but humans can be weak, unfortunately.

I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how hard that was to read. I don't think you should let this cloud your memories of your dad. BDSM is based on consent, him being part of that world doesn't mean he didn't have respect for women. With a friend being involved, maybe your mum was aware of it, maybe she was involved in it, she could have a pseudo name too. Remember him for the way he treated you and the father he was to you. I wouldn't mention it to your mum, she may have known and be hugely embarrassed or she may not have known and her world could be blown apart.

YABVVVU unreasonable, nosy and intrusive!

Bin the tablet and put it out of your mind. Don’t ruin your mum’s life for nothing!

Please don't tell your mum. Ever.

Re his kinks, sex is a bit of a funny one and can be hard to pin down (so to speak). Did he, like so many of his generation, grow up in an uptight, rigid, authoritarian, repressed or religious household? Natural instincts have a way of distorting in those environments, a bit like those twisted weeds you see growing as best they can through a crack in the concrete.

We live in much more permissive times now, and where sex is concerned we're all like kids in a sweetshop: you can do anything you want. In the modern world, something like BDSM is very much a personal choice (among endless other options) for those who are into it. For him, though, against the long history of a much more constricted life, it might have been a little private rebellion against the forces that shaped him and a sort of playful way of regaining a sense of lost power.

God knows, really, just musing out loud here in case any of this helps you to come to terms with it eventually.

Gosh OP that's hard. Given how much the stuff you found diverged from who you thought your father was, I'm not surprised that you kept digging, privacy concerns notwithstanding. I'm surprised how many pps think that the problem should have been avoided by wiping the device sight unseen.

If someone you love has just died, you look for traces of them and you want to preserve rather than obliterate them. And you don't expect to find stuff like this.

As the daughter of a man who was very openly sexually incontinent, a part of me thinks 'at least he [your dad] was discreet about it'. But it was still cheating. If my experience is any guide, your feelings about this will be confused for a long time, and go back and forth between forgiveness and anger. Therapy sounds like a good idea, or a patient friend. You need to chew this over with someone IRL.

Another vote for 'don't tell your mum' from me. But keep the door open in case she knew and wants to talk about it one day. All the best.

Why were you snooping on the emails of a dead person anyway???

Is there any chance your mother knew?
is there any chance she gave you the tablet because she wanted you to know?

Or woman’s

Affairs in long marriages are so common. They happen far more than we as a society like to discuss. Being married for 50 years with no out-of-relationship sex would surprise me more than a string of affairs.
I don’t think it makes him a bad person either. He kept his family together, your mother never found out and everyone was happy.
Some people leave happy families to forfill their sexual desires. I’m not sure either scenario is better or worse.

Try and forget about it. Don’t tell anyone.

I was coming on to say this, my dad died suddenly and I was in charge of his IT, I cleared his phone, laptop and computer without looking, I was a bit scared of what I’d find.

What you’ve found is heartbreaking and I suspect you aren’t alone but I’d second the post that said get therapy so you can at least share this huge secret. and I’m so sorry for your loss.

I would be incredibly surprised if your mother doesn't already know.
Her giving you the computer may have been her way of letting you know something she couldn't bring herself to vocalise.

My dm asked me to clear my df's computer after his death. She knew what he had been up to and asked me to check his internet history. She wanted to know the last time he had been looking for a thai prostitute. As it happens, it was the afternoon of his death. He was clearly a randy old goat at 82 😳
We had a discussion about it, she got upset.
We have never discussed it since.