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Original poster

How do I move past this and not wreck the group?

53 replies

Primespace · 26/08/2025 15:25

DP and I have been having some difficulties, mostly caused by my horrendous experience with menopause. HRT helped initially, but now in the progesterone phase, I am tired, achy, anxious, grumpy and have a terrible temper.

It all came to a head and he called a female friend of mine/ours to ask what he was getting so wrong. I'll never know exactly what was said, but it sounds like he told her feels he can't get anything right and she told him how I've been struggling and to try and be patient with me. I had previously spoken to her about menopause, but not in the context of our relationship and it sounds like both were trying to be supportive, not gossipy.

DP and I have since spoken, in a way we hadn't previously, about how hard I'm finding things, and he's been lovely. We both wish I'd talked to him properly sooner. I have arranged an appointment with GP to see if we can change any meds.

But I really wish he hadn't spoken to our friend. She and I don't always have the best realtionship and I'm a private person. I don't want anyone knowing we haven't always got along, let alone a key member in my/our main social group. I feel embarrassed and don't want to go anywhere with them. I'm supposed to be going to a thing she'll be at tonight and I just can't.

He accepts he shouldn't have discussed our relationship with her, but also wants me to understand he didn't know where else to turn, which is fair, considering how I've been.

This might be part of my symptoms, but atm I never want to leave the house again. What do I do?

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 26/08/2025 15:29

Seems like the poor man can’t do right for doing wrong. You weren’t willing to talk to him, he was trying to help you, she was trying to help you. How about you just try being appreciative that the people around you care about you and are doing their best to support you?

fthisfthatfeverything · 26/08/2025 15:29

Try to look over it for now and chat about it when you’re out the other end x

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 26/08/2025 15:29

Frankly, you get over it.

By the sounds of it, there's a good chance this conversation may well have saved your marriage. Surely, dealing with a little embarrassment if a small price to pay. You may not want anyone to know that you're relationship was struggling a bit, but absolutely everyone would have been aware of it if you'd ended up getting a divorce.

MounjaroMounjaro · 26/08/2025 15:30

Interesting he chose a woman you don't get on that well with. Do you think he was just wanting sympathy?

ThunderousSkies · 26/08/2025 15:30

Is this one of those baffling relationships that are so frequent on Mn where someone is described as a 'friend', but a beat later as 'she and I don't always have the best relationship'? Why would you socialise regularly with someone with whom you don't 'always have the best relationship'?

Nonetheless, I think the important thing here is that the conversation with her seems to have moved things along for you and DH, and things have been better and you're seeking support. You might wish it hadn't happened, but it seems from what you say as if both people involved were doing their best.

DelphiniumBlue · 26/08/2025 15:32

It sounds like both of them care about you. I understand that you don't want your relationship discussed, but view it as DP asking your friend ( who you had already spoken to about your difficulties with menopause) how best to help and support you, rather than seeing it as unwarranted disclosures about your relationship. These are both good people to have in your life, so don't be embarrassed about having vulnerabilities - everyone does.

ThunderousSkies · 26/08/2025 15:32

I would actually take the initiative and approach her and say something like 'Look, this may have been an awkward conversation for you, but I appreciate you actually engaged with him. Thanks, and can we just keep it between us?'

IllBeLookingAtTheMoon · 26/08/2025 15:34

MounjaroMounjaro · 26/08/2025 15:30

Interesting he chose a woman you don't get on that well with. Do you think he was just wanting sympathy?

Same thought.

I don't think this was that nice.

Original poster
Primespace · 26/08/2025 15:35

HundredMilesAnHour · 26/08/2025 15:29

Seems like the poor man can’t do right for doing wrong. You weren’t willing to talk to him, he was trying to help you, she was trying to help you. How about you just try being appreciative that the people around you care about you and are doing their best to support you?

I think I have tried to reflect that in OP. I understand it all came from good intentions, and that it's been hard for him. I still feel very uncomfortable with her (and anyone she tells) knowing our business. I'm embarrassed at the way I've been. It's not as easy as just saying don't do it though.

I my defense I wasn't that I "wouldn't" talk, but that every time I tried, he (we) was so defensive it became a row, but we've done better with that now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Primespace · 26/08/2025 15:37

MounjaroMounjaro · 26/08/2025 15:30

Interesting he chose a woman you don't get on that well with. Do you think he was just wanting sympathy?

It's not that we don't get on, so much as I've been struggling with all relationships lately, especially this one because she's very gregarious and I've been finding that harder than usual to take. I think he genuinely wanted some help.

OP posts:
MageQueen · 26/08/2025 15:40

The only thing I'd find weird is that he spoke to one of your friends rather than his own but I don't think either of them did anything wrong. I also think that if you're struggling with menopause and your HRT then you will be over reacting to things - so reasonable to feel a little uncomfortable but unreasonable to be reacting this strongly ( a classic peri symptom though).

Octavia64 · 26/08/2025 15:41

Honestly, you get over it.

and I say that as a very anxious person who has on occasion dreaded going back to a social event after doing something that I thought of as wrong.

to her it’s a minor thing and she was happy to help.

this is your anxiety talking. Mine says the same.

I tell it to fuck off and walk in there and 99% of the time it’s fine immediately and my anxiety goes and the other 1% I’m fine after 10 mins.

just do it.

IllBeLookingAtTheMoon · 26/08/2025 15:45

Things can unravel at this time in our lives but you can look at it another way: the emotions may be extreme, the reactions may be OTT, but perhaps it is partly a case of the cracks not being papered over anymore. We become less good at tolerating BS and smiling in the face of being used as a domestic drudge, breadwinner, sex object, problem solver, nurse, whatever. Just my experience. I am often shocked at the level of my anger, but when I sit back and calm down- I realise the actual trigger was merited in some degree.

I don't think you need to make this 100% a you problem. I would not like my husband discussing our relationship with anyone else. Absolute no no.

Are you someone maybe who has always been a pleaser and an appeaser? And you actually are bad at putting forward your feelings without feeling you should be apologising for them?

Eviebeans · 26/08/2025 15:49

Is this thing a couples thing or all female?
will it be noted if you don’t go?

Original poster
Primespace · 26/08/2025 15:50

I should have said this is not a long standing DH seeing a change. This is a DP of roughly 1 year.

OP posts:
ParmaVioletTea · 26/08/2025 15:50

Your DH sounds loving and thoughtful. Don't take out your concerns for privacy on him. He was trying - and the advice he was given was good & it worked! Your friend is a good friend - she has your back.

Original poster
Primespace · 26/08/2025 15:51

Eviebeans · 26/08/2025 15:49

Is this thing a couples thing or all female?
will it be noted if you don’t go?

It's an event some of the friends will be at, including DP, as well as lots of other people. They'll notice I'm not there, but it won't matter to anyone.

OP posts:
Eviebeans · 26/08/2025 15:51

Your update changes how I feel about the situation- not sure how or why but it does

hideawayforever · 26/08/2025 15:55

I would be fuming if my Husband talked to a woman that I don't get on with about my menopause symptoms and our relationship, why her? Maybe you should discuss his problems with someone in the group, I wonder if he'd like it?

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 26/08/2025 15:55

Eviebeans · 26/08/2025 15:51

Your update changes how I feel about the situation- not sure how or why but it does

I agree, and I'm not sure why either.

I think because I thought it was a long standing marriage, I thought it was a last desperate attempt to save it.

But just a year in, surely if you're not happy with your partner you just end it rather than air dirty laundry

Original poster
Primespace · 26/08/2025 15:56

IllBeLookingAtTheMoon · 26/08/2025 15:45

Things can unravel at this time in our lives but you can look at it another way: the emotions may be extreme, the reactions may be OTT, but perhaps it is partly a case of the cracks not being papered over anymore. We become less good at tolerating BS and smiling in the face of being used as a domestic drudge, breadwinner, sex object, problem solver, nurse, whatever. Just my experience. I am often shocked at the level of my anger, but when I sit back and calm down- I realise the actual trigger was merited in some degree.

I don't think you need to make this 100% a you problem. I would not like my husband discussing our relationship with anyone else. Absolute no no.

Are you someone maybe who has always been a pleaser and an appeaser? And you actually are bad at putting forward your feelings without feeling you should be apologising for them?

I have tried to make that point, that yes sometimes my reaction is OTT, but whatever it was is still something that upset me, the issues are real, even if I don't handle them well.

I don't think I'm particularly a people pleaser, but I can see I wouldn't handle a partner like me well atm, so when I'm feeling more rational, I do feel for him.

OP posts:
Confabulations · 26/08/2025 15:58

I wish my husband had thought to speak to a female friend when he was stuck not being able to get through to me when I was struggling with perimenopausal symptoms, instead of blowing our life up (back on track now). So, I know I have some substantial bias on this topic.

I see it as a good thing that he was willing to be vulnerable with a friend about wanting to help you and understand where he was going wrong. As he has only known you a year, he maybe didn't have many options about who would be most appropriate. There is nothing to be embarrassed about for either of you.

Original poster
Primespace · 26/08/2025 15:59

hideawayforever · 26/08/2025 15:55

I would be fuming if my Husband talked to a woman that I don't get on with about my menopause symptoms and our relationship, why her? Maybe you should discuss his problems with someone in the group, I wonder if he'd like it?

We have talked about that. I've asked how he'd expect her to respond if her DH talked to.him or me about issues in their marriage and he can see she'd hate it. He gets it, he's apologised and promised never to do it again, but as he says, it's done now, he can't turn the clock back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Primespace · 26/08/2025 15:59

Confabulations · 26/08/2025 15:58

I wish my husband had thought to speak to a female friend when he was stuck not being able to get through to me when I was struggling with perimenopausal symptoms, instead of blowing our life up (back on track now). So, I know I have some substantial bias on this topic.

I see it as a good thing that he was willing to be vulnerable with a friend about wanting to help you and understand where he was going wrong. As he has only known you a year, he maybe didn't have many options about who would be most appropriate. There is nothing to be embarrassed about for either of you.

That's exactly what he said, who else was he supposed to talk to?

OP posts:
Original poster
Primespace · 26/08/2025 16:00

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 26/08/2025 15:55

I agree, and I'm not sure why either.

I think because I thought it was a long standing marriage, I thought it was a last desperate attempt to save it.

But just a year in, surely if you're not happy with your partner you just end it rather than air dirty laundry

Show quote history

Yes, maybe he should, but he doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

OP posts:
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