How do I move past this and not wreck the group?

[Primespace]

DP and I have been having some difficulties, mostly caused by my horrendous experience with menopause. HRT helped initially, but now in the progesterone phase, I am tired, achy, anxious, grumpy and have a terrible temper.

It all came to a head and he called a female friend of mine/ours to ask what he was getting so wrong. I'll never know exactly what was said, but it sounds like he told her feels he can't get anything right and she told him how I've been struggling and to try and be patient with me. I had previously spoken to her about menopause, but not in the context of our relationship and it sounds like both were trying to be supportive, not gossipy.

DP and I have since spoken, in a way we hadn't previously, about how hard I'm finding things, and he's been lovely. We both wish I'd talked to him properly sooner. I have arranged an appointment with GP to see if we can change any meds.

But I really wish he hadn't spoken to our friend. She and I don't always have the best realtionship and I'm a private person. I don't want anyone knowing we haven't always got along, let alone a key member in my/our main social group. I feel embarrassed and don't want to go anywhere with them. I'm supposed to be going to a thing she'll be at tonight and I just can't.

He accepts he shouldn't have discussed our relationship with her, but also wants me to understand he didn't know where else to turn, which is fair, considering how I've been.

This might be part of my symptoms, but atm I never want to leave the house again. What do I do?

It might have been a very low key chat but even that can really throw us. It always feels weird to learn we’ve been talked about. Even when people are saying nice or supportive things. Like we’ve been left out in some way.

op I’m not sure it’s ok to be horrid to this man of a year. Do you want it to work? Do you get on mostly?

I would really find it stressful not to mention extremely irritating if a partner of a year had chosen to speak to someone else about difficulties that I was experiencing - if I’d wanted them to know I could’ve told them myself

I don't think it's healthy to try and hide issues in your marriage and life in general from friends. You should be able to talk openly with them to get emotional support. I don't really understand why you are so embarrassed you don't want to see them. Maybe try and work on that, being able to be more open could do wonders for your mental health.

Yes, we really get on mostly. It's just in the last week of the progestogen phase of HRT, and this month was worse than ever.

One week a month is too much though.

@Primespace Could you try some visualisation? I know it sounds woo woo but imagine meeting her and talking about something very normal like a tv show or whatever, try and ride out any feelings of awkwardness. Do it again and again until these feelings feel less difficult. I know sometimes it helps me to deal with difficult relationships, it's a bit like practising so you are not overwhelmed when it happens.

I would be mad if a partner of just one year approached one of my friends in this way. He could have read a book, asked on a forum, seen a counsellor…

However, I would think that your friendship group would already have been aware that things weren’t honky-dory between you and him, so no point in hiding.

Do you think he's attracted to her?

It might be worth trying another hrt. I was much better on conti patches. Or simply avoid him during that week and use up your energy/rage in the gym.

No, absolutely not. He's fond of her, but I'm 100% it's all platonic and she'd thump him to next week if it wasn't

Wait, this is a relatively new man and he's already negging you and crying on another woman's shoulder about you? In the guise of being the good guy?

Honestly? Fuck that. Throw this one back.

Yes, that's what he said too. A couple of people had asked if we're OK

Why would he say that unless he was trying to make you feel insecure?

My thought exactly

I don't think he "neggs" me at all. I'm amazed at the good he sees in me tbh and he's clearly very proud to.be "with" me. He was as upset as I've been and seeking help. There's no need to make more of it than that

Did he say who these people were

Because I was telling him I didn't like people knowing we had our issues, and he said they already knew.

Yes. The woman he spoke to, who will have noticed I haven't been myself, and a man who witnessed one of my breakdowns when we were away for a weekend. Both will have only been concerned.

Have you previously been diagnosed with PMDD? Progesterone is known for being way worse for women that have a PMDD diagnosis

You're assuming that he knew this. It's possible that as far as he knows, she's just one of the group of OPs close friends.

I didn't have a diagnosis, and I'm not sure it was PMDD levels, but I always struggled with PMS.

Sounds like good advice to me.

If you were upset in front of friends when away then I’d say that sounds like you are having a tough time with the hrt you are on - def book to see the doctor about that progesterone phase

Actually I've just realised that one of the things I used to do to manage PMS was avoid sugar and have very regular meals.

Since we've been together, we're out and about a lot, which means meals are as and when....and he loves to bring me a sugary treat!

I'll have to talk to him about that.

Oh dear. It is upsetting that he spoke to your friend, especially since she's the chatty type and may not be discreet. However, I would guess that many women in your age group would a hundred per cent sympathise with your state of mind and (if they know and like your DH) would think it was kind of him to try to help you in this way, if misplaced. Try to ride it out, and in time other things will fill your mind and you'll forget about it.

He sounds like a decent guy but it also sounds like you’re (both) going through hell for 1 week/month and that’s no way to live. Please go back to your GP for help with your HRT. If they won’t/can’t help, ask them to refer you to the nearest menopause clinic or a menopause specialist. In the meantime, suggest you post on MN’s Menopause board as you may get some good advice/suggestions there and there will be other women who understand what you’re going through @Primespace .

Just to add, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about him/you talking to other people about how difficult you’re finding things right now. Whilst privacy is important, so is support and just like with mental health, the more we talk about the challenges some women face in midlife, the more we realise that it’s not just us suffering. Being open can actually really help. It’s not like the 1950s when everything has to be hidden away. We’re allowed to be human these days. Socially acceptable even. 😜