Help me give my head a wobble - ExH and his DW(the OW) are divorcing and it's thrown me for six

[UnexpectedTears]

ExH and I were married for 25yrs, he left me, out of the blue, for the much younger thinner OW he met at work. They now have one DC, married about 12yrs now I think. We managed to re-establish a good co-parenting relationship and are friendly enough to be at the same family events, weddings etc. I worked fucking hard to make that happen and never bad mouthed either of them to the DC (who were teens) even though their Stepmother was not the most welcoming of people to them.

I just heard the other day that they have separated and are getting divorced, I knew the relationship was volatile - I assumed that's what he wanted rather than stable, boring, old me. Maybe not.

I didn't do the "pick me" dance, I have more self respect than to want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, so I went into practical mode re. divorce, division of assets etc. Kept things as stable as I could for the DC.

What's shocked me is how upset I am about hearing about his divorce, I keep bursting into tears FFS, and I'm not a crier. I thought I'd moved on, I had my career (which I loved), DC now launched into the world of work, happy retirement, friends, hobbies, a good life, not at all interested in finding another relationship.

It's like I'm back there again - when he told me he wanted a divorce - emotions all over the place - I wish I could just be angry with him for throwing our family life away for something that didn't last, maybe that's part of it, but right now I'm just back in the middle of the grief - and I hate it.

Sorry to hear you feel that way.
I can imagine how shocking and odd it feels to have reacted like that - we can't always control our emotions.

I guess, as you say, it's the feeling that he hurt you and upended your life for something that ultimately didn't last. And it reminds you of those horrible feelings and that difficult, sad time you went through.

Fair play to you for not being pleased or seeing it as some kind of karma. I think that shows a level of emotional maturity to be honest.

How are your presumably adult children feeling? Has it had a similar impact on them? Are they close to their dad and his soon-to-be-ex wife?

Thanks for your reply @cloudtreecarpet - TBH I don't know if the DC know, or how much they know (I heard through one of ExH's old friends). We don't talk much about their dad's marriage - they sometimes tell me when they have been to see them, one DC is more forthcoming than the others about the volatile nature of that relationship, but they are generally very discreet and don't tell me much.

They have become close to their dad again since becoming adults, they had a rough few years in their late teens.

I suppose I'm realising that maybe I didn't deal with it as well as I thought I had at the time, maybe I should have wallowed a bit more in the grief and then turned it into productive anger - I really don't want it resurfacing again out of the blue if he fucks up yet another relationship.

I don’t think your head needs a wobble. I think what you are feeling is very justified and understandable. I’d just quietly give yourself some time to let the emotions come out and settle back down.

Sometimes the grass isn’t greener and younger or thinner isn’t better.

You sound an absolutely lovely person, what a fool he was to lose you.

You're a much nicer person than me. I'd be gloating. But I'm very immature and hold grudges. Your way is probably better.

Ah well karma he has found the grass wasn't greener.

Do not get involved ! It's his problem.

It’s because you knew subconsciously it would end and it’s confirmation that all the damage that he/they caused you, was all for nothing.

It’s an another bitter pill for you to swallow 💐

I hate to use this word, but it sounds like hearing this news was a kind of "trigger."

It unexpectedly and powerfully reminded you of a traumatic event in your own life. The parallels are there and it has brought up some of the emotions you went through back then.

I don't know the proper name for this theory as I learnt it in adoption training but it showed how you don't go through a traumatic event and then heal - but rather you circle quickly through it rapidly at first and over time you move further away from it but you can still circle through it - quicker faster maybe but still as intense.
I've found it really useful. Especially with the "why am I feeling like this, I shouldn't do" self questioning. Don't blame yourself for how you're feeling. Don't worry you're going to feel like this for a long time. Self-care - what would you do for a friend going through this? Do you need a hug? Do you need to go scream somewhere? A massage might help - even if you end up crying. Old you had a really shit time and it's coming out - new you needs to baby that part of you a bit and make soothing noises and go yes it was shit. Doesn't matter how far you've come etc old you deserves to be heard - tho not to drown new you in doom. A few counselling sessions might help.

Agree with PP that you’re emotional because you now have proof he threw a grenade into your family life. He’s caused turmoil, drama and hostility for something that ultimately wasn’t worth it.

Let yourself feel the emotions and be proud of the mature way you’ve dealt with your split and that you’ve done the very best for your DC.

Sadly your ex is just another weak man who let his dick rule his brain - there’s plenty of them out there.

My ExH and his OW lasted two years. So maybe it's easier to look at that example, OP, and think, 'Was that it? You caused all that upheaval, hurt, upset and chaos for that?'

Turned out that there was another another OW on the scene. And then another. And another. I took a real knock to my mental health when trying so hard to keep things stable for our DC throughout his self-serving shenanigans.

Eventually I settled into a holding pattern of realisation that he is a deeply unpleasant and weak man; and I bitterly regret inflicting him on my adult DC as their father (which they know).

What has helped is having absolutely zero contact with him. Zero.

Maybe a short spell of counselling would help?

It does seem as though you have unresolved feelings and it would be awful if they (and thus your exH) interrupted the lovely, peaceful life you have built.

Getting those feelings off your chest would be a very good thing because it sounds like you are a brilliantly resilient & level headed woman.

That’s useful- thank you

12 years is still a fairly long time.

The OW may have been younger, etc then but he's clearly moving on, so maybe the next lucky lady will last 6 and be even younger or thinner or whatever. It's just chasing novelty or resisting getting old.

This isn't really about him though, do whatever it takes to regain your equilibrium. You sound in good shape, this is momentary.

It’s lasted 12 years, not 3 months. I think the ‘I have more self respect’ than to do the ‘pick me dance’ comment was unnecessary.

Thank you - yes, I did have a bit a few years ago, but maybe not enough to really unlock anything deeply buried. Bugger 🤷🏼‍♀️

Great post.
Wise advice

wow - Why on earth do you think my comment was unnecessary ? how was I to know how long it would last? I think that's totally irrelevant. It describes how I felt at the time. He dropped a bombshell into all our lives and yes, I bloody well did refuse to do the "pick me" dance and I have no regrets about that - he had clearly checked out already.

Your comment is the unnecessary one by a country mile.

Ignore them OP, there’s one on every thread.

This circling theory sounds really interesting.Please.don't beat yourself up about it you feel how you feel.
I got dumped for the younger thinner poledancing legsakimbo. I wasn't even really that sad about him going , it still annoys me years later, how I was treated. He really played by the script pathetic man.
When they split up and she ran off with another married man with kids leaving him to sell off the house and sort out finaces I did gloat to myself, because they both caused a lot of grief.
However I actually feel sorry for her now, I see she was probably lied to and anyway she's in a bit of a state herself now.
I wonder if I'd feel different if they had done really well for themselves ,and were happy.?
I think you can't help how you feel just to keep occupied.

Yep. Very dignified.

Your emotions are totally understandable OP.

What an unnecessary comment, @iloveyoubut🙄

I’d feel sorry for the kid. Raised by volatile parents with unhappy then distant teenagers around, now parents are divorcing.

Not your circus anymore OP.

@Iloveyoubut what an unpleasant and unhelpful remark. Better to say nothing than write that to the OP.