Help me give my head a wobble - ExH and his DW(the OW) are divorcing and it's thrown me for six

[UnexpectedTears]

ExH and I were married for 25yrs, he left me, out of the blue, for the much younger thinner OW he met at work. They now have one DC, married about 12yrs now I think. We managed to re-establish a good co-parenting relationship and are friendly enough to be at the same family events, weddings etc. I worked fucking hard to make that happen and never bad mouthed either of them to the DC (who were teens) even though their Stepmother was not the most welcoming of people to them.

I just heard the other day that they have separated and are getting divorced, I knew the relationship was volatile - I assumed that's what he wanted rather than stable, boring, old me. Maybe not.

I didn't do the "pick me" dance, I have more self respect than to want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, so I went into practical mode re. divorce, division of assets etc. Kept things as stable as I could for the DC.

What's shocked me is how upset I am about hearing about his divorce, I keep bursting into tears FFS, and I'm not a crier. I thought I'd moved on, I had my career (which I loved), DC now launched into the world of work, happy retirement, friends, hobbies, a good life, not at all interested in finding another relationship.

It's like I'm back there again - when he told me he wanted a divorce - emotions all over the place - I wish I could just be angry with him for throwing our family life away for something that didn't last, maybe that's part of it, but right now I'm just back in the middle of the grief - and I hate it.

Thanks for the apology, it's appreciated

The point is that ultimately it ended.

This.

Be kind to yourself OP.

Thanks for accepting. I’m really sorry. X

Actually, reading this, I think I know where the misunderstanding is coming from. When we talk here about women doing the pick me dance the last thing we’re doing is looking down on them, we’re feeling compassion and saying to them that you don’t need to do that because it’s his fault and not yours - and it won’t help. It’s not judging women that do it, it’s a judgment on the men that have put them in that position. With hindsight, yes, it’s probably better not to do it, and so that’s why people give that advice here.

I apologised to OP and I’m genuinly sorry for coming across unsympathetic, it was wrong. I really appreciate your post. That’s exactly what happened here.

Your feelings are normal. He was your closest relative for whole 25 years and left just like this, for someone he is happy to discharge now or she might be fed up with old boring man. But he didn't die, he is alive. I think just fund way to go down to the bottom of it, take some time and cry it off ....healing isn't going to happen if you still believe this man was your man

edited because the thread moved on faster than me

I wish I could just be angry with him for throwing our family life away for something that didn't last, maybe that's part of it, but right now I'm just back in the middle of the grief - and I hate it.

i think you’re being unreasonable here.

he didn’t end things with you for her, he ended things with you because he wasn’t happy.

Regardless of the outcome of their affair, he wasn’t happy with you. Your relationship was over anyway.

Thank you x

I’m glad we worked it out - I do totally get how it’s possible to come at these things from different angles, particularly when it’s about something that’s often been quite a shitty thing to go through!

Ouch. Actually I’m not sure that’s always the case and regardless didn’t need to be said here.

No, you’re being a dick. OP sounds like she handled the break up maturely, sensibly and with dignity. I’ve been the person doing the pick-me dance to someone who made it crystal clear they didn’t want me and in my informed opinion it is always futile and always a loss of dignity.

I also agree with this. 12 years is not nothing.

It sounds like you did a marvellous job of putting everybody else first - your children, him and the other woman - so that everyone had a harmonious life. It’s amazing what we do for our children and I often wonder if it’s actually a healthy way to be, because of the stress it induces.

Underneath it all we are only human and I’m guessing that you buried your grief and disappointment and anger. This guy still looms large in your life, 15 years on. It’s utterly shit that he’s still taking up space in your brain, but 25 years is a large proportion of your life. Be sad. It’s brought back memories. I think it may help to talk to a therapist.

I’ve apologised about 5 times wholeheartedly. I cannot do any more than that. I can go and spend 6 months in community service on here looking at ‘what is this rash?” pictures and picking out baby names .. other than that there really is nothing more I can say or so.

Id be outside their house laughing and clapping. But then I have no time for cheaters.

Same.

Honestly, is this post necessary?

He cheated on the OP and on her children. He didn't sit her down and have an adult conversation about being unhappy & explain that he needed to leave - instead he went behind her back & started seeing another woman.

The OP was entitled to be angry then and is still entitled to be angry now. Not because he "didn't want her" as you say but because he betrayed her trust in a horrible, cowardly way.

Not the same I know but I've known several divorced people, sometimes people who really hated their ex, who broke down when he died. They were always confused about how it upset them but I always felt they went back to the time they loved him and that's who they lost not the man who left them. So for you being thrown back to the break up seems similar to me, it sort of disrupts the time line.

Give it time, like those other women I think you will soon feel better. Good luck with healing.