Help me give my head a wobble - ExH and his DW(the OW) are divorcing and it's thrown me for six

[UnexpectedTears]

ExH and I were married for 25yrs, he left me, out of the blue, for the much younger thinner OW he met at work. They now have one DC, married about 12yrs now I think. We managed to re-establish a good co-parenting relationship and are friendly enough to be at the same family events, weddings etc. I worked fucking hard to make that happen and never bad mouthed either of them to the DC (who were teens) even though their Stepmother was not the most welcoming of people to them.

I just heard the other day that they have separated and are getting divorced, I knew the relationship was volatile - I assumed that's what he wanted rather than stable, boring, old me. Maybe not.

I didn't do the "pick me" dance, I have more self respect than to want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, so I went into practical mode re. divorce, division of assets etc. Kept things as stable as I could for the DC.

What's shocked me is how upset I am about hearing about his divorce, I keep bursting into tears FFS, and I'm not a crier. I thought I'd moved on, I had my career (which I loved), DC now launched into the world of work, happy retirement, friends, hobbies, a good life, not at all interested in finding another relationship.

It's like I'm back there again - when he told me he wanted a divorce - emotions all over the place - I wish I could just be angry with him for throwing our family life away for something that didn't last, maybe that's part of it, but right now I'm just back in the middle of the grief - and I hate it.

It’s unnecessary to imply that you were superior to women who did the ‘pick me dance. And no I’ve never been a cheater or another woman or cheated on to my knowledge But there’s no need to imply that anyone who did try and hang on to someone had less self esteem. Sorry but I think that’s an absolutely fair comment on my part.

You sound a lovely person OP. I expect at the time of your divorce and for quite a time afterwards your emotional energy went into making sure your children were ok. Now that they are adults and have their own lives, there’s space for your emotions, and this current situation has brought them to the surface.
I’d suggest going easy on yourself, as previous posters have suggested, and if the feelings don’t pass then maybe get some counselling.

Have to say I agree with this!

Thank you, yes, I did put a lot of effort into biting my tongue and trying to make things work amicably. My DC have cousins whose parents can't be in the same room as each other - leading to one of them getting married without her DF being there, her parents can't both be at their GCs birthday parties etc - very upsetting for all involved - I was determined that would not be the same for my DC so I probably did bury a lot of my own emotion.

Not doing ‘the pick me dance’ does not in any way shape or form imply that a person is or thinks they are superior.

Your comprehension of this thread is way off the mark.

Completely agree. It’s a very strange take on what’s actually been said.

The vast majority of us totally get what the OP meant.

I second this.

I can only think your sadness is because he threw what he had with you and the children away for someone he didn’t even stay with. You do sound very lovely and I hope you feel better very soon 💐

You sound very intuned to your feelings and with a little time and help you will mature beautifully from this.
It’s undoubtably hard but it’s an opportunity to understand yourself better which is a good thing.

Ah @UnexpectedTears, you dont need your head wobbling.

You have worked so hard to build a different type of family for you all and get to a good place. Now it's all wrecked again. As a PP said, it is triggering. Bringing up memories of the pain you and your children went through when he walked out.

You have had some brilliant advice on this thread. All I can add is that you let your tears flow. Better out than in.

It’s unnecessary to imply that you were superior to women who did the ‘pick me dance

Why don't people have any comprehension. @Iloveyoubut you are making yourself look like an idiot.

But it wasn’t “all for nothing” they were together 12 years and had a child.

Do your kids get on with their step sibling op?

Some people are shit at being married.
Some longer marriages come to an end.
It’s obviously sad at the time but people can and do feel happier after break ups.

OP it does sound like you repressed your emotions at the time of your divorce, which was perfectly understandable. Maybe just sitting with your feelings this time will help you move on? Maybe have a bit of counselling for yourself if you can’t seem to process things, until they feel resolved.

You are allowed to feel how you feel.

Editing because I typed a good long paragraph explaining what the phenomenon is, because I assumed you must have misunderstood. But reading your post again I can see that you actually did understand and chose to make the comment anyway. The OP is not trying to make herself superior to anybody, she is just feeling some very real and understandable emotions. I recommend compassion in these instances rather than making it about yourself. But maybe, that’s just me. Your second option, was of course just to not say anything at all.

To be honest I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a feeling of ´serves you right’, or karma if you believe in it, if someone has behaved like a complete arrogant tw@t.

To be honest I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a feeling of ´serves you right’, or karma if you believe in it, if someone has behaved like a complete arrogant tw@t.

I have a lot of compassion, believe it or not, and I appreciate that it’s lacking in my posts right now. I do completely understand that it’s triggering and upsetting because of course what you went through was horrible. And you were strong when it may have felt easier not to have been and I applaud you for that and I know that was hard, how couod it not be. So to see what cost you dearly just ultimately amount to nothing… of course that going to hurt and it’s going to stir up all sorts of feelings of grief that felt resolved until now. I have a lot of empathy and compassion so my apologies because I think I’m just a little burnt out and drained today. The point i made, yes, it was snarky, and honesty , I don’t feel I want to apologise for it, is that to get compassion and understanding sometimes it’s good to give it too. Many women have chosen to stay in marriages where they’ve suffered terrible betrayal and many women have done the ‘pick-me dance. I think it’s cruel to suggest that you have greater self esteem than them, because that comment alienated a section of women who actually would have compassion and a great deal of sympathy for you. So that was my point. And I stand by that. But equally I do understand that its brought up a lot of painful emotions for you and I’m sorry you’re going through that, it isn’t fair.

Oh, take your AI and do one.

It’s good that you’re reflecting on it, but I think you’re wrong when you’re saying what she said would alienate a great number of women. I think the vast majority of people reading what she said would just acknowledge that she went through a hard time and that now the feelings are popping back up again. She’s actually said in her posts that she worked really hard to behave well in her interactions with them since it happened, to be honest she’s probably done better than 99% of us would in that situation.

What are you talking about? I’m sitting here typing on my phone! With no glasses on btw so I can hardly even see! Seriously, what are you even going on about? I do feel bad about being snarky. I just felt really shit for the women who did do the pick-me dance. Becuse the whole thing is just shite. Being cheated on and being fucked about and having to start over and smile at the fucker when you have kids …. I’ll be honest … one of the reasons I got snarky is because I remember reading a post from a woman who was 67 and her us and had cheated on her yet again and honestly… I was gutted for her and gutted that she got such a hard time for being scared to be alone and for trying to find a way to just turn a blind eye. It was horrible. I still think of that woman… the post is probably still on here somewhere and I hate that anyone would feel bad about themselves reading that and knowing they did the pick-‘me dance. Did it stop me from. Sing as nice to OP as I could have and should have been, yea it did. And I’m sorry for that.

I agree with you and am surprised at the whole he did it for nothing rhetoric. This relationship lasted a long time, and they have a child. And as sad as it is, he clearly did not wish to remain in the marriage with the op. The fact his second marriage didn’t work out doesn’t change that.

It is really normal for old sorrows to be triggered by similar events in the present.

It sounds like at the time of your divorce, you went into practical mode and pushed down your feelings of sadness, anger, resentment, jealousy, disappointment, etc. It’s a defence strategy and I’d say did you well if it meant that you managed to maintain a stable environment for your kids and enabled you to move on as well as you have described (for which - well done! Not easy!).
But as pp said, these feelings were still there, just heavily buried, and your ex’s current situation may have triggered them off again. Actually, this might be really positive for you, because the you now has many resources at your fingertips, that might not have been there at the time of your breakup, which might allow you to move through this at a deeper level than you had managed so far. I suggest allowing yourself to feel the feelings this time rather than push them away, with your stronger, more resilient, wiser self able to soothe those feelings and this time, process them. It might be helpful to see a therapist who can guide you on this process, because healing works when you process traumatic memories and feelings, replacing them with positive ones, not just by reliving the original feelings of sadness wtc.

When you have those feelings, it may be helpful to allow yourself to feel them, with compassion and no judgement, and talk to the part of you that has those feelings as you would to a really good friend, to help previous you be soothed by your (hard-earned) compassion and wisdom. You know how difficult it felt at the time and still feels now, but you also know that the part of you that went through it all was wise and strong enough to come through it with strength, dignity and love, and you can soothe those feelings by letting yourself know that it’s ok to have those feelings, and that all will
be ok.

Big hugs, OP. You’ve got this.

I think that @TwistedWonder is spot on.

Like @thepariscrimefiles though, I’d find it hard not to gloat abit.

You’ve hit the nail on the head OP

He broke your family up for this OW and it hasn’t lasted so your thinking deep in your mind like wtf? Are you serious you broke up our family for something that wasn’t forever? I believe that’s anger too! But…… you’re out of that now and have moved on. That’s his problem, keep focusing on you and the kids. He’s the one who threw it all away for something that didn’t last long. The grass is never greener.

I don’t think you will wobble every time his relationships break down. You’ll just get the sense he isn’t great at maintaining relationships.

stop thinking he broke your relationship for something that didn’t work out and see it that he wasn’t happy so he left. He is again not happy so his marriage has broken down.

this is a him issue. Not you. Not your marriage.

Feel the feelings. They are justified. You know you’re better off without him… but he does sound like he hasn’t learned anything.

OP I’m sorry. I really am. Genuinely. I explained up thread why I was triggered and it’s not an excuse and I genuinely apologise and I really mean that. One thing I do know from experience it that it’s very hard to foster a good relationship with an ex’s new partner and existing and new children. It is bloody hard and I can imagine it felt like you were doing that on your own at times and I totally get that it feels like working so hard to foster all those relationships at a time when you were feeling horrific was not fucking easy. Again. I’m sorry. Genuinely.