Would you say anything about their partner being on tinder?

[Cloudyskies12]

Not sure what to do here, bit of a dilemma.

Single friend of mine popped over for a coffee and she was going through her tinder profile and we were having a laugh at all the poor pickings the dating world seems to offer nowadays (as you do). A profile came up that was my DH's ex wifes partner of 6 months. Hes 'just looking for some fun' and apparently in an open relationship. He was active online at the time I saw it (today).

I get on fine with DH's exW but we're not friends in the sense of a friend you'd have a chat and a coffee together or message each other, unless its about my DSC (which is quite rare). Shes a nice person though and doesnt deserve this behaviour from him. From what I know and have seen her post online, she considers this man to be her absolute world and they have just started doing stuff at the weekends with all their kids together in her words 'as a family'. Definitely not an open relationship from her standpoint (both their SM says 'in a relationship with X from ....' and shes made references to us about how shes so happy now shes found someone to build a future with).

My dilemma is, do I tell her hes on there and actively looking for hookups or keep my nose out in case she thinks Im just trying to be mean and stir up trouble (which im not). I have a screenshot proof so cant be told I'm just making things up to stir.

Im coming from two angles with my concern on whether I say anything:

1. My exH was a serial cheater, it left me broken mentally and feeling like an absolute mug when we divorced. Had to go through a lot of therapy to start to trust again. I dont want my DH's ex to build her hopes up and put her trust in this man whos clearly cheating and end up broken emotionally.

1. I dont want my DSC to build a relationship with him and his kids for it just to be ripped away due to his lies and for DSC to be devastated (tbh, I did feel doing family things with the kids after only a few months of them being together was too quick but not my place to judge that).

I've not mentioned it to my DH yet as I know it'll play on his mind the same as me and for the same reasons re DSC, but knowing how their relationship was when they first divorced, if hes the one to say something and she does split with her new partner, she'll try to lean on my DH emotionally and he doesnt want that level of interaction with her (nor do I tbh) and hes previously had to draw strong boundaries in that sense the first few years they were no longer together.

WWYD?

1. Keep your nose out its none of your business and let it take its course and she'll find out when she does; or
2. Yes she has a right to know before she builds a life around his lies with DSC getting caught in the fallout?

Tell her. I would want to know if it were me.

Hmm I think I’d keep quiet, could end up getting yourself in trouble? looking with a friend but your own reputation in tatters if no one believes that and think you were also on there. The ex wife may not declare to the world she’s in an open relationship, it’s their private life. Or he’s looking to cheat but I’d still keep out of it, likely to backfire in some way.

If you really had to, could your DH have a word instead?

I understand it would be less messy to stay out of it but if she's a good person I couldn't not let her know. Poor woman

If I were her, I’d like to know.

send the screenshot anonymously from a burner email/phone?

I vote just stay out of it. Not your monkeys, not your circus.

You don't know the ins and outs of it all. High probability you don't come out looking good.

But you want to be the one telling?

Edited typo

Wouldn’t get involved.

I would normally be against anonymous messages, but in your circumstances, I wonder if it is the least bad option? Unless your friend is prepared to do it, but even then she would have to say that she's a friend of yours, and that then puts you in the firing line.
Unfortunately, I think whatever you do will be open to misinterpretation.

Poor woman, someone needs to let her know - it's one of those 'put yourself in her shoes' situations - we would all rather know, however painful.

I wished I’d been told when it happened to me - I’d tell her. He’s a rat

This is my concern too. I would just feel awful if it was me and no one said anything

Is DH still close to any mutual friends? Does she have a really good female friend that he could approach and explain what has happened. Less chance of shooting the messenger that way (although the friend doesn't have to agree to do it of course, although if it was me I would, because being the last to know is awful - the wasted time, the double sense of betrayal that everyone else was aware of what was going on, it's a horrible position to be in).

Print out the screen shots. Put them in a brown envelope. Post them to her. Job done.

I’d tell her.

My concern would be for your step-children. I would bring this to Dh and have a chat about what to do. He may very well be ready to just raise it with her and get it done. Alternatively, he will certainly know a trusted mutual friend who he could confide in who would be comfortable telling her.

Your DH should tell her

Tell her but do it anonymously. She won't thank you. I'd do as a PP suggested and post her a copy of the screenshots.

Because kids are involved, yes I’d tell her, to protect them.

Screenshot for evidence, and either you or DH tell her.

Because you saw it with your own eyes. Id tell her. Then back off, if she forgives him I wouldnt advise her otherwise

Talk to DH and see what he thinks.

Yes I would. I would tell her face to face and id do it asap. I’d apologise but say I had to tell her as I could not look her in the face every time she dropped the children off, knowing I was hiding it.

Cheating can cause PTSD in the betrayed and I wouldn’t want her to go through that. She could end up with a life changing std due to this grim man. The longer the lie goes on the harder it will hit her. This may well affect her children. But the less time she has had with the ‘man’ the better.

So I would tell her that you know it’s often the messenger who gets shot but you had to tell her and you hope she understands why.

Minwallas secret sexual basement is a good resource.

Can you screenshot the profile and print and send them to her anonymously?

Or if you do tell her openly - make sure you have the evidence to show her so it’s less of a discussion and you can basically say here’s what’s going on without having to say much else.

Can you screenshot the profile and print and send them to her anonymously?

Or if you do tell her openly - make sure you have the evidence to show her so it’s less of a discussion and you can basically say here’s what’s going on without having to say much else.