Would you say anything about their partner being on tinder?

[Cloudyskies12]

Not sure what to do here, bit of a dilemma.

Single friend of mine popped over for a coffee and she was going through her tinder profile and we were having a laugh at all the poor pickings the dating world seems to offer nowadays (as you do). A profile came up that was my DH's ex wifes partner of 6 months. Hes 'just looking for some fun' and apparently in an open relationship. He was active online at the time I saw it (today).

I get on fine with DH's exW but we're not friends in the sense of a friend you'd have a chat and a coffee together or message each other, unless its about my DSC (which is quite rare). Shes a nice person though and doesnt deserve this behaviour from him. From what I know and have seen her post online, she considers this man to be her absolute world and they have just started doing stuff at the weekends with all their kids together in her words 'as a family'. Definitely not an open relationship from her standpoint (both their SM says 'in a relationship with X from ....' and shes made references to us about how shes so happy now shes found someone to build a future with).

My dilemma is, do I tell her hes on there and actively looking for hookups or keep my nose out in case she thinks Im just trying to be mean and stir up trouble (which im not). I have a screenshot proof so cant be told I'm just making things up to stir.

Im coming from two angles with my concern on whether I say anything:

1. My exH was a serial cheater, it left me broken mentally and feeling like an absolute mug when we divorced. Had to go through a lot of therapy to start to trust again. I dont want my DH's ex to build her hopes up and put her trust in this man whos clearly cheating and end up broken emotionally.

1. I dont want my DSC to build a relationship with him and his kids for it just to be ripped away due to his lies and for DSC to be devastated (tbh, I did feel doing family things with the kids after only a few months of them being together was too quick but not my place to judge that).

I've not mentioned it to my DH yet as I know it'll play on his mind the same as me and for the same reasons re DSC, but knowing how their relationship was when they first divorced, if hes the one to say something and she does split with her new partner, she'll try to lean on my DH emotionally and he doesnt want that level of interaction with her (nor do I tbh) and hes previously had to draw strong boundaries in that sense the first few years they were no longer together.

WWYD?

1. Keep your nose out its none of your business and let it take its course and she'll find out when she does; or
2. Yes she has a right to know before she builds a life around his lies with DSC getting caught in the fallout?

Hi op could you casually ask her why she’s chosen an open relationship and see how she responds if she has no clue then you maybe could just say your friend has seen bf profile online and was considering dating him but you said you would check first with her to make sure that she is okay with it. She would hate her or your friend to waste time on a guy who isn’t being honest especially after what you went through and your friend agreed she wouldn’t like to be the other woman.

Set up a fake FB profile, send her an anonymous message with a screenshot of his profile on there. Leave the rest to sort itself out

Right off the bat I would tell your husband. A problem shared is a problem halved and it is his bio child, as fond as you are of DSC, your husband still bears more responsibility in this situation.

Reading between the lines she's a bit of an emotional drain as you say she has poor boundaries?... Maybe why she's jumped in with two feet with this guy quite quickly. Is this her first relationship since the divorce? Maybe why she's so keen or is it a pattern she repeats? Either way, you and hubby will have little input into who becomes (potentially) your DSC's "new step father"

If she figures out this guy is a rat further down the line it's going to be even worse. I can see the dilemma. I would definitely tell your husband, though.

Would discuss with your H as this affects his DC.

Most likely he will want to inform his ex or for you to do so, to give his ex information to take decisions about their DC and her relationship and reduce risks for his DC.

‘If he’s the one to say something and she does split with her new partner, she'll try to lean on my DH emotionally’. That doesn’t matter and should be easily manageable if he is sensible and applies boundaries.

This - normally I wouldn't but I think if you say anything it would be awkward /cause problems because of who you are in the situation - you can't do right here, however as there are DSC to also consider she needs to know - Also as someone else has already pointed out maybe the relationship is open

I agree with this

If you tell her she'll be back in your husband's life again big time. Probably you as well. As you've involved yourself in the downfall of the relationship. So she could end up round your house, weeping and moaning. Texting and calling him and you endlessly.

I honestly think it might not be in your best interests to tell her. Surely he'll get found out sooner or later if he's so blatantly on a popular dating site.

The messenger always gets shot.

You and your husband should be making this decision together. I think there are valid reasons for both sides, telling her or staying out of it. It's a matter of weighing down your options and choosing what sits best with you both and your family.

Either way, if you choose to tell, this shouldn't come from you. It should be your husband doing the communication, or it should be anonymous.
Also, there shouldn't be a discussion or advice on what she should do with information. No judgement. Maybe they are in an open relationship. Maybe they aren't. Maybe she decides to stay with him after all. This is up to her. You're only there to provide information, nothing else.

Get your mate to match with him and get him on a double date with you and husband. That will go down like a shit sandwich but will out him!!!

Print a hard copy of the screenshot and post it to her.
Get someone else to handwrite the address.

Like PPs, I would do it anonymously. It avoids the blowback on you, and it means she won’t feel embarrassed/humiliated in front of her ex’s new wife (to be clear, I’m not saying she should be embarrassed, she’s not done anything wrong, but people aren’t rational, I can’t imagine many people would like the idea of their ex and his wife knowing you’ve been cheated on).

I would tell her.

She’s in an unsafe relationship and for the her and for the children I would make sure she knew.

Tell your DH and come up with a plan together . I think she needs to know though .

Thanks. This is really great advice

No, she had a LTR for several years after the divorce but that ended last year. This one started very quickly after. He is a rat and the more I see 'happy family' posts on SM the more angry it makes me about his disgusting behaviour and lack of integrity.

On consideration, printing out the screenshot but sending them addressed to him, at her address. She'd definitely watch him open the letter out of inquisitiveness and hes the one that then has to do the explaining face to face. No one gets shot as the messenger then.
Id just not want her to get hurt as it feels cruel, but her being disrespected by him is just as cruel and not faor her being strung along. Hes despicable.

This seems a bit unnecessarily complicated. How can you say she would definitely watch him open it??

What if she’s distracted when he opens the letter or she looks away out of politeness?

Just address it to her - simple.

Can you tell her you've spotted someone using her H pic on their profile and show it to her? It does happen.

She may be in an open relationship. He certainly is but it has nothing to do with you

I think it is good to allow your partner to have an online profile and talk to other people, but everything should be shared. When we stop the partner from being free, they are more likely to cheat. As lone as intimacy is in high regard and we can trust someone, why you. Trust has to be earned whether we give someone boundaries or not. Boundaries are good, dont get me wrong.

Coming back here to update as looking for some advice to ensure my DSD doesnt bear the fallout. Sorry, a bit long as dont want to drip feed.

I told my DH re the tinder cheating and he also thinks his ex-wifes partner is a creep but thought as I do and most here advised, to not get involved and just keep an eye on DSD that shes ok.
After seeing things ex-w and new partner post on facebook (I'm not fb friends with her (I declined the invite but my DH never took her off his as split was amicable but no longer engages with her on there) it's clear theres a lot of lovebombing going on from new partner side. They've now just got engaged (knowingly in the same place my DH and I did (and nowhere near where they live) but hey ho, trying not to dwell on the weird behaviour there 🙄).

Apparently according to ex-w when I messaged to congratulate her, my DSD is 'delighted'. She was with us at the time when she was told by her Mum. My DH said hes never known her so quiet and withdrawn. She's also been a lot quieter since this guy has been in her life (ex-w and him have rapidly created the 'our new family' status to the outside world. DSD seems unhappy (but could just be usual teenage nonchalance?)
We know ex-w will not take any warnings from us as shes infatuated by the apparent 'love of her life and soul mate'(her words).

DSD wont open up if we ask if everything is ok and generally keeps things to herself, but we can see shes not happy. How do we help her and keep an eye on her to make sure shes not suffering from her Mum's relationship? She's there in the week and with us most weekends unless her Mum wants them all to do a family outing. The new partner doesnt live with her but is there a lot as far as we know.

I speak from experience as my ex was NPD and life was hell until I escaped with my DC so I can spot the patterns a mile off and have dealt with my kids trauma from it - they all work from the same textbook. How do my DH and I protect my DSD from the inevitable trauma of being in a family dynamic with a narc step dad and a mum too infatuated to notice?

Can DSD come and live with you permanently

Another tack would be to say:
"Just to let you know that my friend noticed that someone is using your fiancé's photo on their tinder profile. Hopefully he'll be able to get the photo taken down. Here's the screenshot/link. "
Let her have the option of pretending that it's a scammer using his photo, while presenting the info she needs to investigate it herself. If she chooses to ignore it, you've done what you can.

Regarding your stepdaughter, maybe have general chats about "I was reading an article..." etc and remind her that she can talk to you and her dad about anything. Unfortunately the stats are clear about the risk to daughters when their mums move unrelated romantic partners (ie not the father) into the home.

Unfortunately not as its over an hour from where she goes to school and shes now in gcse years.