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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abusive and looking to leave

78 replies

Aplcdone · 23/08/2025 20:42

Hey guys, been with my partner over a year. Things have got worse over the past 6 months, I’m just looking to air my story as I haven’t spoke to any family or friends as I don’t want no judgement so please don’t judge me… partner has got worse over the past few months with insecurities etc, to the point I know I need to get out and I don’t quite know how even though we don’t live together. (Yes I know it seems silly)… anyway, through the week wen I don’t see him as I work days he works nights, it’s like he wants to make my life hell and I can only put it down to cause I’m not with him, as when a weekend comes it’s all okay as if nothing has been said which frustrates me more. On a weekly basis I am being accused that I am speaking to other people, I started a new job he got in a mood as I was round new people, he got in a mood with me because I had a window cleaner come and he said I don’t really want to be with a women who relies on a man to do things for her, he has used the money he owes me and cause I wouldn’t do something for him as I didn’t have time he said he would f*k me over with the money, he never wants to come to mine I am always going to his, when I question him about it he saids he just doesn’t want too he’s to use to his own place, he’s got in a mood with me cause I didn’t have money to lend him and then he said I needed to ask other people for him as because he has no money he is relying on me, I said to him there isn’t any point relying on me as I have my own bills to pay it’s not my fault you are behind, then he asks me why am I on the pill. Cause that’s a sign of someone just wanting to sleep about, he’s always implying at least once a week he doesn’t trust me and I’m a s*g like most women are, even wen I went to visit my parents grave on their anniversary, he called me to ask me why I hadn’t called and I explained what I was doing and he said I don’t care you are just going to ruin Christmas as now I don’t want to be with you, the list goes on, and then cause he saids sorry after every insult he chucks at me it’s all meant to be okay, and I’ve really come to my wits end with it and I’m just struggling! Please no harsh comments as I’m well aware what I’m in and that I need to get out! Thank you

OP posts:
YesHonestly · 23/08/2025 20:49

This man hates women.

Please end the relationship, don’t fall for the tears that will come after you do, and call the police if you feel harassed or unsafe.

You don’t deserve this x

Original poster
Aplcdone · 23/08/2025 20:52

YesHonestly · 23/08/2025 20:49

This man hates women.

Please end the relationship, don’t fall for the tears that will come after you do, and call the police if you feel harassed or unsafe.

You don’t deserve this x

It’s funny you say that, I have said this to him several times, you must hate women and have no respect at all, and why are you with me? As I really don’t see why you are when all you do i ls make insults at me when you are in a mood and I always end up getting the blame for what ever it is! And thank you for your kind words xx

OP posts:
Gerwurtztraminer · 23/08/2025 20:54

What's stopping you from just ending it OP? What are you afraid will happen if you just message him its over? Or you could just block him and ghost him. Are you scared of what he might do?

Let us know what advice can we give that will help you end it with him.

IntrusiveThoughtsHell · 23/08/2025 20:55

He sounds dreadful! Dump him

Original poster
Aplcdone · 23/08/2025 20:59

Gerwurtztraminer · 23/08/2025 20:54

What's stopping you from just ending it OP? What are you afraid will happen if you just message him its over? Or you could just block him and ghost him. Are you scared of what he might do?

Let us know what advice can we give that will help you end it with him.

Do you know I’m not 100% sure what I’m scared of, probably the abuse I’m going to get come with it, hurting his feelings even tho mine are hurt most of the time. I feel he will be super nasty when it comes to it and I don’t like it or the thought of it x

OP posts:
MiloMinderbinder925 · 23/08/2025 21:00

Aplcdone · 23/08/2025 20:52

It’s funny you say that, I have said this to him several times, you must hate women and have no respect at all, and why are you with me? As I really don’t see why you are when all you do i ls make insults at me when you are in a mood and I always end up getting the blame for what ever it is! And thank you for your kind words xx

Show quote history

Misogynists hate the fact that they need women in their lives. He wants sex and company, later he'll want a housekeeper. They will take any woman that puts up with them. OP he doesn't see you as fully human, please finish the relationship.

IntrusiveThoughtsHell · 23/08/2025 21:01

Aplcdone · 23/08/2025 20:59

Do you know I’m not 100% sure what I’m scared of, probably the abuse I’m going to get come with it, hurting his feelings even tho mine are hurt most of the time. I feel he will be super nasty when it comes to it and I don’t like it or the thought of it x

Show quote history

I understand, I'm in a similar situation right now. It's horrible feeling trapped even though you're not physically trapped. All I can say is I wish I hadn't let it go on for so long and I wish I'd taken the outs when I could have

Original poster
Aplcdone · 23/08/2025 21:02

MiloMinderbinder925 · 23/08/2025 21:00

Misogynists hate the fact that they need women in their lives. He wants sex and company, later he'll want a housekeeper. They will take any woman that puts up with them. OP he doesn't see you as fully human, please finish the relationship.

Show quote history

Yes he also does say that I don’t cook for him and I’m lazy cause I work part time but it’s around my other commitments. But like I say to him I’m not travelling half hour each way to bring you dinner to then go home which obviously he doesn’t like either xx

OP posts:
Whatareyoutalkingaboutnow · 23/08/2025 21:03

Dump and block him. The only sensible option.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 23/08/2025 21:08

Aplcdone · 23/08/2025 21:02

Yes he also does say that I don’t cook for him and I’m lazy cause I work part time but it’s around my other commitments. But like I say to him I’m not travelling half hour each way to bring you dinner to then go home which obviously he doesn’t like either xx

Show quote history

He doesn't like it because women serve men in the kitchen and bedroom, to him they don't have any other use. This is just going to get worse. He thinks women are 'slags' OP. Surely you can do better.

Holiday24 · 23/08/2025 21:08

Sorry that you're going through this, he sounds awful and I agree with the previous poster who said he clearly hates women.

I think the best thing to do in this situation is probably just to end it via a message. "This isn't working out and I don't want to be in a relationship with you. Please do not contact me again." Then block.

I would make your friends/family aware in case he reacts badly. Don't be afraid to contact the police if needed.

Original poster
Aplcdone · 23/08/2025 21:27

MiloMinderbinder925 · 23/08/2025 21:08

He doesn't like it because women serve men in the kitchen and bedroom, to him they don't have any other use. This is just going to get worse. He thinks women are 'slags' OP. Surely you can do better.

Show quote history

Oh I know I can, that’s why I’m planning and getting advice, xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Aplcdone · 23/08/2025 21:29

IntrusiveThoughtsHell · 23/08/2025 21:01

I understand, I'm in a similar situation right now. It's horrible feeling trapped even though you're not physically trapped. All I can say is I wish I hadn't let it go on for so long and I wish I'd taken the outs when I could have

Show quote history

Makes my anxiety run wild. I know I need out and that’s what I will do, it’s just horrible isn’t it, wish I had took note of all the red flags from the start that I let slide, xx

OP posts:
Givenupshopping · 23/08/2025 21:43

Interesting that he doesn't like women who rely on a man to do things for them, and then he has the cheek to get in a mood with you because you didn't have money to lend him, and then says you need* *to ask other people for money for him because he has no money and he is relying on YOU!! What a waste of space arsehole this bloke is!

Do what other posters have advised OP, text him and tell him the relationship isn't working, and then block him. Ideally, if you have a good friend, get them to come round while you're sending the text, and maybe ask them to stay with you that night, in case he rocks up, that way you'll have someone to be with you while you call, and wait for the police to arrive. Whatever you do though, please do it now, as things are NOT going to get any better.

Original poster
Aplcdone · 23/08/2025 22:00

Givenupshopping · 23/08/2025 21:43

Interesting that he doesn't like women who rely on a man to do things for them, and then he has the cheek to get in a mood with you because you didn't have money to lend him, and then says you need* *to ask other people for money for him because he has no money and he is relying on YOU!! What a waste of space arsehole this bloke is!

Do what other posters have advised OP, text him and tell him the relationship isn't working, and then block him. Ideally, if you have a good friend, get them to come round while you're sending the text, and maybe ask them to stay with you that night, in case he rocks up, that way you'll have someone to be with you while you call, and wait for the police to arrive. Whatever you do though, please do it now, as things are NOT going to get any better.

No I know it’s not, it’s hit me the past week, I’ve put up with all the shit for so long and tried to see it from his insecurities and past trauma, but like I say to him you can’t blame your past on why you are being a d**k to me! Which obviously it’s me the reason why he is like it 🙄 and I don’t have many close friends here but I’ll still do it anyway and get through it as I 100% want out xx

OP posts:
BCBird · 23/08/2025 22:05

He needs to be out of your life OP. Why should you put up with this? He is no good. Know yiur worth. If he wants cooked meals he can do his own or get a take away. Just imagine the peace you will have.

Wolfiefan · 23/08/2025 22:07

You don’t live together. So don’t go round to his or allow him into your place. Block him. Job done.

EYP2021 · 23/08/2025 22:08

I think you have been really brave writing this. I think you should contact a professional agency like solace or women’s rights for some practical advice on how to leave this relationship safely. Good luck and do keep us updated wishing you lots of love and strength ❤️

BCBird · 23/08/2025 22:08

You can't 'cure ' him of all his trauma. Based on his behaviour I don't understand why you would want to. Get rid. He'll bring u down.

Original poster
Aplcdone · 23/08/2025 22:15

BCBird · 23/08/2025 22:08

You can't 'cure ' him of all his trauma. Based on his behaviour I don't understand why you would want to. Get rid. He'll bring u down.

Edited

I never on planned “curing” him off all his trauma but never realised how bad he would get as it wasn’t like this at the start, then I realised it’s getting worse and worse over time! He is bringing me down hence why I am now ready to do something about it, I’m pretty much on my own where I am with no family so I’m just getting some sort of support advice from others xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Aplcdone · 23/08/2025 22:16

EYP2021 · 23/08/2025 22:08

I think you have been really brave writing this. I think you should contact a professional agency like solace or women’s rights for some practical advice on how to leave this relationship safely. Good luck and do keep us updated wishing you lots of love and strength ❤️

I will do and thank you for your kind words, I will definitely keep you updated with what happens xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Aplcdone · 23/08/2025 22:17

BCBird · 23/08/2025 22:05

He needs to be out of your life OP. Why should you put up with this? He is no good. Know yiur worth. If he wants cooked meals he can do his own or get a take away. Just imagine the peace you will have.

I know and I can’t wait for the peace! I know he doesn’t xx

OP posts:
Gimpee · 23/08/2025 22:32

The longer your in this relationship the harder it will become to leave and the more abuse you take the more you will get. I had partner who was abusive every morning told me I was fat useless and ugly. He didn't work but I did and supported family financially he did nothing in house didn't look after children I did and cleaned home I only weighed 6 and a half stone and without being big headed I am pretty but years of abuse initially verbal then it escalated into violence it nearly broke me. Abuse is not acceptable whether its a man bullying female or female bullying men.

Thelnebriati · 23/08/2025 22:32

Have you heard of The Freedom Program? Its better to do a class but you can do it online;
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Thelnebriati · 23/08/2025 22:33

When starting any new relationship, Google his name; and then ask the police to check him using Clare's Law. They will warn you if he has a conviction for domestic abuse:
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/domestic-abuse-bill-2020-factsheets/domestic-violence-disclosure-scheme-factsheet

Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme factsheet

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/domestic-abuse-bill-2020-factsheets/domestic-violence-disclosure-scheme-factsheet