WIBU to send this message?

[Crystal234]

I have been with my boyfriend for a year. We are both in our 30’s. I have a house that I share with my daughter and my dog, he has a rented apartment on his own.

He is in the process of moving back in with his mum. He had a genuine reason, so that was okay, but his attitude in the last couple of conversations we have had about it are concerning me.

He seems quite excited about not paying bills anymore and in his own words - “being able to buy myself treats every month” - which he can do living on his own, but obviously not thousands of pounds worth every pay day. He will be paying his mum but only around £200 a month and that includes food too. He also doesn’t seem to have any desire to move back out of his mum’s and has no long-term plan or end goal which makes me wonder realistically how long he will be living there for.

This concerns me because I am quite a responsible person, especially having a child, and it worries me that he doesn’t seem to want to be responsible for his own life let alone anything else.

I have been a little bit off with him since the last conversation but have been unsure whether it’s my place to say anything or voice my concerns, since his living arrangements don’t really affect my own or anything.

WIBU to send him a message stating my concerns - that I’m worried he is going to get too comfortable not having any responsibilities, fall back into that parent/child dynamic and then struggle to get any sense of independence back. I also want to feel like I’m dating an equal adult individual and not someone that is going back home to live a life of what a teenager or young adult would do and that isn’t the sort of relationship that I want at my age where someone is living back with their mother without exploring any other options. To me, it just screams that whenever shit hits the fan, rather than dealing with it as an adult, they just run back home and expect everyone else to pick up the pieces.

Is it my place to voice this?

Yep. It's a turn off for you and shows different values to your own. You can't make him change but you certainly can decide whether you want to be with someone like this.

Who decided he wasn't paying rent and only paying £200 a month (which probably won't cover his food!)- him or his mother?
If his mother, was it with the presumption they he would be saving for a deposit?

It's very difficult when the dynamic is that the parent wants to baby the adult child.
But equally if he's taking advantage of his mother, that's a red flag.

I'm not sure you can say anything that will make a difference but perhaps ask what his longer term plans are?

i don’t think you have anything in common and that this is the man for you. These life values and approaches to independence are super important I have found in past relationships. Imagine also being happy just eating your mum’s food without contributing. 200 pounds doesn’t go far. Total turn-off. I wouldn’t even bother with that text.

I would just end the relationship as it’s not worth pursuing.

I don't think it's your place to send a message criticising this living arrangement, but you are entitled to review the relationship when new information comes to light.

His mother decided the amount, but she knows that he isn’t planning on saving for a deposit, so I have no idea why the amount is so little especially with rising living costs and her still having to work to pay her own bills.

I have asked what his long term plans are and all I get back is with everything getting more expensive, he is probably going to be living with his mum for a quite a while - but he doesn’t ever mention how he is planning to improve his own financial situation to be able to move out when everything is more expensive. It concerns me that he is using his mother’s house hoping that I will agree to let him move in at some point in the future, rather than having to move back out on his own.

He's not a full adult.

He's happy to move back home and have his mom take care of him like a kid when he's in his 30s. If he moved into your place or you married him, he'd just be substituting you for his mom and you'd have another kid on your hands.

Men who aren't full adults and don't enjoy living independently without a caregiver taking care of them make poor life partners.

I personally wouldn't send a message, but I would either talk to him face to face when the time is right and tell him you're concerned, or perhaps wait and see what happens. You might find that actually you're not compatible and better to know that than force the issue with him. See how it pans out but give him (in your head), say 6 months. If he shows no sign of growing up then it's probably time to move on.

I came here to say this. I have been in a similar situation and you voicing your concerns will get you no where. He’s made a choice, you can express your feelings but don’t be surprised when nothing changes
Just end it.

Yes, big turn off. It would be fine if he were using that time to save for a deposit, but to waste it away on junk, absolutely not.

If I were you, I'd thank your lucky stars he isn't angling to move into yours and pay you only £200 a month.

Either drop him now or give him 3 months then see if he is making any other plans. If not drop him then.

You know what will happen don't you? He'll start spending more time at yours. You're not going to want to visit him.at his mothers, are you?

He's told you how he thinks. You want a relationship with a grown up. he isn't one.

Consider waiting a little bit. It could have been a throw away comment.
TBC I am a wife and mother of 2 with a house and many bills and if someone said I could live with my mum for a bit I’d be absolutely thrilled about not paying huge bills. Doesn’t mean I’m not a responsible person or an ambitious person. But a little bit of rest bite would be enjoyable.
You could see how it goes for now. It might be he has a short period of decompressing, then looks to the future and makes sure he’s in a good position for his next steps.

It concerns me that he is using his mother’s house hoping that I will agree to let him move in at some point in the future, rather than having to move back out on his own

See that's an issue on its own..what happens if he has to leave his mother's house for some reason? You'll be expected to step up.

So what's this 'genuine' reason for having to move out of his own place then?

The more I think about it, the more I wonder whether his thought process is along the lines of thinking how convenient it would be if he could just move into a ready-made home that's being paid for by someone else. I don't think his plans involve living with mummy for any length of time; it is more likely that he is hoping that you are going to offer for him to move in to your house.

Don't give him that option.

What is it with some men and their desire to waste hundreds of pounds on unnecessary stuff, everyone I’ve known who does this is always a man, without exception.
You are correct to be concerned OP

Exactly!! He was probably hoping for that.

It’s not your place to comment on his living arrangements or costs. You are well within your rights to decide this relationship has no future, for any reason you decide.

I know things should move slow when you have a child, but after a year you must have an idea of whether living together is something you see in your future.

If you’re already thinking he’s going to use you for subsidised accommodation and will feel like a burden, it’s probably time to cut your losses and end the relationship

Don’t send a message talk to him if you want to raise it.

The fact that you would text him instead of discussing it face to face does not speak well of your relationship. If you can’t have an adult conversation with your partner about something that concerns you it’s probably best to move on.

Don't send a message - text can lack nuance and are open to misinterpretation.

Also you're both in your 30s - you should be talking - if you can't have a proper conversation with him about this, you will never be able to have a proper conversation with him about anything. Which rather time-limits this relationship.

I don't know if I would send a message but I would say to him that scrounging off his mum in his 30s is unattractive behaviour. He should, at the absolute least, be covering any extra costs to her - food, utilities, council tax, depreciation on household goods. Then he should be paying a bit more because she's doing him a massive favour and inconveniencing herself. His lack of insight into all this is also unappealing. It's fairly obvious that you have very different life goals.

See, I was thinking a well thought out and worded text would put my point across better so I can say things how I want to and then a conversation will start from that. I worry that I won’t say it how I want to or will miss things out if I initially start off a conversation as I tend to get a bit flustered. He also doesn’t do well when it comes to conversations like this as he feels it’s almost like an attack and will clam up (issues stemming from previous relationships), so I thought to send a text stating all my points would be less intimidating for him?

It’s an issue to do with the new landlord that has taken over his apartment, but to be honest, I think he was wanting to move out before that.

He was sort of asking me questions around how I find him being at my house when he stays over, but I have a child with autism, and won’t be looking to live with anyone for at least the next year or two (which I have made clear since the start) and he seemed a bit put out by that, which makes me think that he probably was waiting for me to offer for him to move into mine instead of his mum’s house…