WIBU to send this message?

[Crystal234]

I have been with my boyfriend for a year. We are both in our 30’s. I have a house that I share with my daughter and my dog, he has a rented apartment on his own.

He is in the process of moving back in with his mum. He had a genuine reason, so that was okay, but his attitude in the last couple of conversations we have had about it are concerning me.

He seems quite excited about not paying bills anymore and in his own words - “being able to buy myself treats every month” - which he can do living on his own, but obviously not thousands of pounds worth every pay day. He will be paying his mum but only around £200 a month and that includes food too. He also doesn’t seem to have any desire to move back out of his mum’s and has no long-term plan or end goal which makes me wonder realistically how long he will be living there for.

This concerns me because I am quite a responsible person, especially having a child, and it worries me that he doesn’t seem to want to be responsible for his own life let alone anything else.

I have been a little bit off with him since the last conversation but have been unsure whether it’s my place to say anything or voice my concerns, since his living arrangements don’t really affect my own or anything.

WIBU to send him a message stating my concerns - that I’m worried he is going to get too comfortable not having any responsibilities, fall back into that parent/child dynamic and then struggle to get any sense of independence back. I also want to feel like I’m dating an equal adult individual and not someone that is going back home to live a life of what a teenager or young adult would do and that isn’t the sort of relationship that I want at my age where someone is living back with their mother without exploring any other options. To me, it just screams that whenever shit hits the fan, rather than dealing with it as an adult, they just run back home and expect everyone else to pick up the pieces.

Is it my place to voice this?

So sorry OP, but ges a bit of a red flag, or as some might say, hobosexual

You mention "issues stemming from previous relationships"; could the issue possibly be other young women losing patience with Peter Pan?
£200 sounds like a very modest sum, similar to what I gave my parents, decades ago, when finding my feet when leaving college. When I helped out a friend some time ago, we agreed on split bills, plus making up the loss of my single person discount on council tax, which was a fair bit more even a few years ago.
I would wait and see how this pans out, but as for his "throwaway remark" - many a true word spoken in jest.

So, you having pre-empted his cocklodger tendencies, he's going home to mummy to have her coddle him.

I wouldn't bother sending him any message, other than you don't see any future in this relationship and you're ending it.

If he asked why, then I'd tell him that him being "quite excited about not paying bills anymore and in his own words - “being able to buy myself treats every month”" had given you the ick and shown you what he'd be like to live with, pushing all the adulting onto your shoulders; and as you wanted a life partner and not an exotic pet, you were swiping left.

I would wait a month or two and see how it goes, he might change his attitude after moving in with him mum and decide that he wants to make plans to move ASAP

His attitude is a bit concerning though as a responsible male would be using this extra money to save for a house deposit …..a few treats here and there are fine though

Initially, I think it’s ok to splurge on one luxury item the first month if he has previously been paying large bills in his own accommodation before moving in with his mother.

However, after that he should see it as a chance to save, save, save so that when he regains his independence he has a nice amount saved up.

Unfortunately, your chap seems like he is a complete waster with his finances so I wouldn’t see any kind of future with him at all.

I don't think it matters whether he saves or spends all his money. It does matter that he apparently has no shame about his mother subsidising him.

I worked with a woman in her thirties who lived with her mother and I was always amazed at how much she spent on unnecessary stuff when she could have been saving for a deposit for her own place. I mentioned it to my husband and he said she is planning to marry the house. Turns out he was right. Sounds to me like your boyfriend might have the same idea. You are his plan. After he stays at his mother's place he is probably planning on moving into yours. This would worry me.

I'd also be assuming he's planning on waiting at his mum's till you're 'ready' for him to move in.

If I was you, I’d be worried he ends up staying with you most of the time. You’ll then find your own costs going up!

There's no point in saying anything in person or by messaging. He has shown you who he is.
Do you want a relationship with someone like him? He won't change, you'll just spend your time and energy trying to get him to pull his weight, which he won't.

Like some others here, I would be worried about him trying to move in by default. A couple nights will turn into his mom is tired and needs some space, something's come up, she has to do some repairs and he's spending all his free time at yours. He's made it pretty obvious with getting put out that you said you wouldn't be looking at anyone moving in for a year or two after his alleged new landlord issue what his goal is.

"He was sort of asking me questions around how I find him being at my house when he stays over, but I have a child with autism, and won’t be looking to live with anyone for at least the next year or two (which I have made clear since the start) and he seemed a bit put out by that, which makes me think that he probably was waiting for me to offer for him to move into mine instead of his mum’s house…"

This is most definitely cocklodger territory - leave now before he’s got his feet under the table.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone in a similar financial / living situation to you. The fact he’s got no long term plans (other than sponging off his mother, and then you) means you should throw this one back.

You need to make it really clear that you will not let him stay over and I think you should also make all your dates out of the house. Lots of walks, cinema, coffee, pub dates. And go home on your own.

isn’t there a saying about how fast a homeless man falls in love with?

be very aware how he will try to stay over and use your facilities and food for no contribution at all

I think that you’ve had a lucky escape, if I’m honest. He’s shown exactly what he wants, which is for a woman to look after him so that he can focus on his own wants, rather than planning and building for his future, whether that be on his own or with you.

At least he’s saved you the part where he moves in, annoys the hell out of you with his failure to contribute either financially or by sharing the household tasks, and then needs to be booted out when you eventually get sick of his manchild ways.

I would also want to text just so I could get my point across clearly.
But obviously you can’t stay in a relationship with him - he wants to sponge off his mum, spend more time at yours (sponge off you) it’s just a bit icky.

Which poster wrote ‘rest bite’? I thought that was an urban myth that people said that! 🤣 Rest bite? Bloody hell 🙈

@snemrose I see it on here constantly!!

You don't need to be interfering in his living arrangements to ask for a chat about his values around money, or not to ask for a chat but decide the two of you are not compatible in that way.

I honestly can’t cope 🤣 what do people think rest bite means? 🤦🏽‍♀️

OP - how did he cope having his own place? Why was his first thought to move into mum’s when he knew he had to leave? Did you used to go his place much?

He sounds awful! I can imagine moving in with my mum and saving every penny I could, but he's acting like a teenage boy and thinking he can spend everything on himself. I couldn't respect a man like that. And of course he thinks he can segue from her house into yours, probably returning to his mum every time there's an argument about him not doing any housework.

This isn't an adult, OP.

yuk. Op when you need to tell a grown ass man to behave responsibly and not sponge off his mum, the game is already over, why are you even having the convo. You know full well he now thinks he can move in with you in a year or two, pay the same 200 to cover food and continue to live like the cock lodger he is, His landlord is irrelevant, he should have moved somewhere else, or pay his way with his mother whilst saving a deposit. Get rid of this loser. He’s just waiting to get his free room off you.

He doesn't have a legit excuse. If he has an 'issue' with his landlord then he could just move to another apartment.

It would only be legit if it was to save for a deposit or he needed to care for her.

He's just a big baby who wants his mummy to cook and clean for him. Hell try and do the same with you in time so just cut your losses and dump him now.

What you should do is remove that man from your child's life.

As you aren't going to be living with him anytime soon, perhaps he was lonely living on his own. And his mum too, so it works for them both? If you don't like the change then you may have to split up.
Did you air your concerns before, does he know it could be the end of your relationship?
Being short of money is no fun at all. Would he spend some of his spare cash on you do you think, and would that change how you feel?

So, I did have a conversation with him following on from this thread. He seemed really taken a back that I felt this way and got quite upset about it. He said that he did have a plan in place - that he wants to move back with his mum, save money for 2 months and then use it towards something to change his job basically. This is the first time I have heard of a solid plan, I even asked him a few days ago and still was met with uncertainty and no real answers. He then said it was a quick fix to get the money, rather than having to save over the course of a few months if he stayed living on his own.

I don’t know what to think after that conversation, I still feel like a lot is up in the air, but I made myself very clear on what I expect from someone I’m in a relationship with - that I expect them to be on the same sort of independence level as myself and able to take care of themselves.

I don’t really know what’s going to happen from here.

I think you'll soon see if his actions match his words.