Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WIBU to send this message?

76 replies

Crystal234 · 23/08/2025 13:41

I have been with my boyfriend for a year. We are both in our 30’s. I have a house that I share with my daughter and my dog, he has a rented apartment on his own.

He is in the process of moving back in with his mum. He had a genuine reason, so that was okay, but his attitude in the last couple of conversations we have had about it are concerning me.

He seems quite excited about not paying bills anymore and in his own words - “being able to buy myself treats every month” - which he can do living on his own, but obviously not thousands of pounds worth every pay day. He will be paying his mum but only around £200 a month and that includes food too. He also doesn’t seem to have any desire to move back out of his mum’s and has no long-term plan or end goal which makes me wonder realistically how long he will be living there for.

This concerns me because I am quite a responsible person, especially having a child, and it worries me that he doesn’t seem to want to be responsible for his own life let alone anything else.

I have been a little bit off with him since the last conversation but have been unsure whether it’s my place to say anything or voice my concerns, since his living arrangements don’t really affect my own or anything.

WIBU to send him a message stating my concerns - that I’m worried he is going to get too comfortable not having any responsibilities, fall back into that parent/child dynamic and then struggle to get any sense of independence back. I also want to feel like I’m dating an equal adult individual and not someone that is going back home to live a life of what a teenager or young adult would do and that isn’t the sort of relationship that I want at my age where someone is living back with their mother without exploring any other options. To me, it just screams that whenever shit hits the fan, rather than dealing with it as an adult, they just run back home and expect everyone else to pick up the pieces.

Is it my place to voice this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Crystal234 · 23/08/2025 17:52

Nosdacariad · 23/08/2025 17:45

I think you'll soon see if his actions match his words.

Show quote history

Yeah definitely, and if not, then I’m out for sure!

OP posts:
snemrose · 23/08/2025 18:01

Crystal234 · 23/08/2025 17:36

So, I did have a conversation with him following on from this thread. He seemed really taken a back that I felt this way and got quite upset about it. He said that he did have a plan in place - that he wants to move back with his mum, save money for 2 months and then use it towards something to change his job basically. This is the first time I have heard of a solid plan, I even asked him a few days ago and still was met with uncertainty and no real answers. He then said it was a quick fix to get the money, rather than having to save over the course of a few months if he stayed living on his own.

I don’t know what to think after that conversation, I still feel like a lot is up in the air, but I made myself very clear on what I expect from someone I’m in a relationship with - that I expect them to be on the same sort of independence level as myself and able to take care of themselves.

I don’t really know what’s going to happen from here.

I think that is a big 💩 Why does he need to live with his mum for 2 months? Why has he never told you these plans before. You watch - he will still be at his mums at Christmas still talking the talk but with excuses as to why he couldn’t walk the walk

Original poster
Crystal234 · 23/08/2025 18:08

snemrose · 23/08/2025 18:01

I think that is a big 💩 Why does he need to live with his mum for 2 months? Why has he never told you these plans before. You watch - he will still be at his mums at Christmas still talking the talk but with excuses as to why he couldn’t walk the walk

Show quote history

Yeah, I am very highly suspicious that this plan was made on the spot because I called him out on it and he was worried that I was going to end the relationship there and then.

I really am in two minds about everything and I don’t know what’s going to happen moving forward.

I think my judgement is slightly clouded by my own personal experiences - I’ve had a hard life, it’s taken blood sweat and tears to get to where I am now and I’ve never had anything or anyone to fall back on - so I have very little tolerance for people who can’t get their own lives together or get by in life by riding on other people’s coattails. But, I’ve not had these standards before earlier on in life and got stung quite badly every single time until I finally learnt 🤷‍♀️

I feel like usually his words and actions match up pretty well, which is why I was so so surprised about his attitude regarding this whole situation. I honestly don’t know what to think.

OP posts:
snemrose · 23/08/2025 18:12

Crystal234 · 23/08/2025 18:08

Yeah, I am very highly suspicious that this plan was made on the spot because I called him out on it and he was worried that I was going to end the relationship there and then.

I really am in two minds about everything and I don’t know what’s going to happen moving forward.

I think my judgement is slightly clouded by my own personal experiences - I’ve had a hard life, it’s taken blood sweat and tears to get to where I am now and I’ve never had anything or anyone to fall back on - so I have very little tolerance for people who can’t get their own lives together or get by in life by riding on other people’s coattails. But, I’ve not had these standards before earlier on in life and got stung quite badly every single time until I finally learnt 🤷‍♀️

I feel like usually his words and actions match up pretty well, which is why I was so so surprised about his attitude regarding this whole situation. I honestly don’t know what to think.

Edited
Show quote history

You come across as switched on - watch how he behaves. Will he try and come over to yours more often? Will he say ‘call you shortly just cleaning bathroom’ will he be making his own decision as to what he has for tea? Will he do his own washing? Have you chatted with his mum? How is she speaking about him moving back in with her?

Beachtastic · 23/08/2025 18:13

Crystal234 · 23/08/2025 14:31

See, I was thinking a well thought out and worded text would put my point across better so I can say things how I want to and then a conversation will start from that. I worry that I won’t say it how I want to or will miss things out if I initially start off a conversation as I tend to get a bit flustered. He also doesn’t do well when it comes to conversations like this as he feels it’s almost like an attack and will clam up (issues stemming from previous relationships), so I thought to send a text stating all my points would be less intimidating for him?

Show quote history

This hesitancy about speaking your mind doesn't bode well for the future, OP, sorry. With the right person, you never have to censor what you say.

Original poster
Crystal234 · 23/08/2025 18:18

snemrose · 23/08/2025 18:12

You come across as switched on - watch how he behaves. Will he try and come over to yours more often? Will he say ‘call you shortly just cleaning bathroom’ will he be making his own decision as to what he has for tea? Will he do his own washing? Have you chatted with his mum? How is she speaking about him moving back in with her?

Show quote history

Yeah, it will be interesting to see if he does move back in with his mum now, if he will try and be here more often. I don’t know his mum too well yet, but in the time that I have spent at her house - I imagine that he will just be responsible for his own bedroom cleaning wise, his mum will probably end up cooking most meals when he is there and I imagine with the washing it will fall into a pattern of “oh I’m just chucking some bits in the washing machine, have you got anything that needs doing?”

OP posts:
Someone2025 · 23/08/2025 18:41

Crystal234 · 23/08/2025 18:18

Yeah, it will be interesting to see if he does move back in with his mum now, if he will try and be here more often. I don’t know his mum too well yet, but in the time that I have spent at her house - I imagine that he will just be responsible for his own bedroom cleaning wise, his mum will probably end up cooking most meals when he is there and I imagine with the washing it will fall into a pattern of “oh I’m just chucking some bits in the washing machine, have you got anything that needs doing?”

Show quote history

What age is he and does he have a responsible job at the moment?

Original poster
Crystal234 · 23/08/2025 18:42

Someone2025 · 23/08/2025 18:41

What age is he and does he have a responsible job at the moment?

Show quote history

31 and yes, a stable and secure that he has been in for the last few years.

OP posts:
Someone2025 · 23/08/2025 18:46

Crystal234 · 23/08/2025 18:42

31 and yes, a stable and secure that he has been in for the last few years.

Show quote history

If he was actually saving for a house deposit, moving in with his mum is actually a sensible thing, before I bought my own house I wasted tens of thousands on rent but my parents didn’t live anywhere near where i worked

Original poster
Crystal234 · 23/08/2025 18:48

Someone2025 · 23/08/2025 18:46

If he was actually saving for a house deposit, moving in with his mum is actually a sensible thing, before I bought my own house I wasted tens of thousands on rent but my parents didn’t live anywhere near where i worked

Show quote history

Yeah, if that was the case, it probably would make a lot of sense as it’s so hard to save up whilst privately renting. However, it’s not the case for him at the moment…

OP posts:
snemrose · 23/08/2025 18:51

Someone2025 · 23/08/2025 18:46

If he was actually saving for a house deposit, moving in with his mum is actually a sensible thing, before I bought my own house I wasted tens of thousands on rent but my parents didn’t live anywhere near where i worked

Show quote history

Saving for a house is very different though. My ds and his girlfriend lived with me whilst saving for a deposit - the shared the cooking and cleaning and did their own laundry. I would have expected nothing less. Of course we helped each out when needed and took the strain but it was very evident they were adults not children in our home

Sweatybettyinthisheat · 23/08/2025 19:01

At least he's not cocklodging at yours! He's taking advantage of his DM, but better her than you. You don't seem to have the same outlook on life right now. You've brought up your DD so have had to be an adult for some time. Him less so, and he needs to get his head together. Whether you hang around and wait for him to evolve or cut your losses now is up to you.

Velmy · 23/08/2025 19:06

Why do you want to send him a message? Can't you just talk to him?

arcticpandas · 23/08/2025 19:07

I think he's planning to stay with his mum until you let him in move in with you @Crystal234 . You already told him that you're open to that in 1-2 years time so he's biding his time and meanwhile he can splurge on himself being taken cared of by his mum.

ILikeFerns · 23/08/2025 19:15

Hm yes what's he's saying now is completely different to before. Sounds like he is good at thinking on his feet.
He'll be on his best behaviour now

snemrose · 23/08/2025 19:18

arcticpandas · 23/08/2025 19:07

I think he's planning to stay with his mum until you let him in move in with you @Crystal234 . You already told him that you're open to that in 1-2 years time so he's biding his time and meanwhile he can splurge on himself being taken cared of by his mum.

Exactly this

TBC99 · 23/08/2025 19:20

You WBU to send a message because this is the kind of conversation that needs to be had F2F

TheOliveFinch · 23/08/2025 19:43

I would find an adult happy to exploit his mum like this really unattractive and he should be paying at least enough to cover all his costs and even a bit more so his mum can have some treats

Rasell · 23/08/2025 19:47

Its hard to judge without knowing the details. You said he has a valid reason for moving back in? Maybe its temporary, he feels a bit embarrassed and is making jokes to lighten the load? Is he saving to buy a place? If he's just moving back and staying, taking the mick out of his mum by not really contributing and planning on being a lazy, selfish layabout while you're a hard working mum with plans for the future then your paths are very different.

snemrose · 23/08/2025 19:49

I dated a man who had moved back in with his mum after his divorce - fair enough I thought until he told me she made his breakfast, his pack up for lunch, his dinner (he didn’t clear up after either) and then he left his wanked in bedsheets for her to wash 😱 My vagina closed up so quickly upon hearing all that! It wasn’t the living with mum - it was that he accepted being waited on and his mum was happy to do it 🤮

AngryDH25 · 23/08/2025 19:53

It would be a big red flag for me too, OP.

My main worry would be, if he gets used to his Mum cooking for him, cleaning the house, doing his washing, etc that if he did eventually move into yours he would be lazy and have an expectation that you would do that for him too.

In short, is he going to regress from being an independent adult to a man child?

MrsDoubtfire1 · 23/08/2025 20:01

Would you like to receive this text? If I got a text telling me how to live my life I would head for the hills. It is so patronising.

DirtyBird · 23/08/2025 21:24

One of the biggest turnoffs for me about my ex was his attitude towards finances. Making over 100k a year and doesn’t have any savings. Lives paycheck to paycheck because he buys “toys” that he rarely ever uses (multiple guitars and he doesn’t know how to play!) he likes the idea of them but they usually just go unused. He buys expensive shoes and clothes yet wears a uniform for work so all of these clothes and shoes barely get worn. and he goes on vacations he can’t afford. He has never paid extra on his mortgage which he could’ve paid off early. It was very unattractive for a man over 40 (now 50s)

MeTooOverHere · 24/08/2025 06:13

Crystal234 · 23/08/2025 13:41

I have been with my boyfriend for a year. We are both in our 30’s. I have a house that I share with my daughter and my dog, he has a rented apartment on his own.

He is in the process of moving back in with his mum. He had a genuine reason, so that was okay, but his attitude in the last couple of conversations we have had about it are concerning me.

He seems quite excited about not paying bills anymore and in his own words - “being able to buy myself treats every month” - which he can do living on his own, but obviously not thousands of pounds worth every pay day. He will be paying his mum but only around £200 a month and that includes food too. He also doesn’t seem to have any desire to move back out of his mum’s and has no long-term plan or end goal which makes me wonder realistically how long he will be living there for.

This concerns me because I am quite a responsible person, especially having a child, and it worries me that he doesn’t seem to want to be responsible for his own life let alone anything else.

I have been a little bit off with him since the last conversation but have been unsure whether it’s my place to say anything or voice my concerns, since his living arrangements don’t really affect my own or anything.

WIBU to send him a message stating my concerns - that I’m worried he is going to get too comfortable not having any responsibilities, fall back into that parent/child dynamic and then struggle to get any sense of independence back. I also want to feel like I’m dating an equal adult individual and not someone that is going back home to live a life of what a teenager or young adult would do and that isn’t the sort of relationship that I want at my age where someone is living back with their mother without exploring any other options. To me, it just screams that whenever shit hits the fan, rather than dealing with it as an adult, they just run back home and expect everyone else to pick up the pieces.

Is it my place to voice this?

I would not voice it but I would note it for my own information and watch how things pan out. Definite cocklodger tendencies this one. I would not be advancing the relationship between the 2 of you in any way, unless and until he steps up and shows the adult-ing that you are looking for.

FattyMcFattyArse · 25/08/2025 01:43

He is 💯 planning on cocklodging at yours as his medium to long term plan, while you do everything for him that his mum does, plus bedroom privileges. Yuk.
Big hairy man baby - what a turnoff.

Don't be his next meal ticket, OP.