I really need someone to explain this to me please?

[ICantCarryThisToo]

Been with partner for over a year now. First relationship after sadly losing my husband (which was a 30+ year very stable and happy relationship).

I'm quite insecure, I freely admit (depression, anxiety), and also still navigating my grief, so my head is fairly all over the place some days but I'm trying to rebuild some kind of a life as I'm still pretty young. Partner is a widower himself.

Don't see partner often, 2 weekends a month..not ideal, but life isn't these days.

Because I sometimes massively overthink things I do tend to ask him after the weekend what I think are fairly normal female questions..is he still happy with me, is he still happy in the relationship etc.

Could be massively annoying, I admit. Need to work on that.

But he has decided to interpret me asking these questions as : Me wanting to finish with him, but not wanting to be the one to do it, so he thinks I am asking them to get him to finish with me, and has told me so repeatedly.

Honestly, I'm perplexed that he could even think that or derive that meaning from me just needing a bit of reassurance, and liking to hear that things are good with us.

To me, if I wanted things to be over I wouldn't give a f*ck what he thought of me, and I wouldn't be hanging around to ask any questions or find out the answers. I'd just be off, or treating him like shit and looking for someone else. None of which I am or would do.

Make it make sense please. Or give me a slap around me chops and talk some sense into me.

Why would you ask him all those questions?

I don't think it's normal to interrogate your long distance bf after a weekend together. If he was unhappy, he'd break up with you or make excuses to not see you.

I think your insecurity is fueling some behaviour that looks needy to me but I don't know why he's taking your asking for a lot of reassurance that your relationship is fine as wanting to break up.

Whatever it is, your asking for a lot of reassurance is triggering him in some way.

Back off with the constant questions.

You might be trying to build a new life with someone before you've put your own pieces back together and using him to help you do that. Life looks different after widowhood and there's a whole new normal to work out, especially after a long and happy marriage

Just to add : if he told me it was annoying and needy and that I needed to stop it, that I could 100% get and understand. Not a problem with that. Its the spin he has put on it that I don't get. It makes no sense to me.

IF he finds the questions irritating (and I'm inclined to think he might - some people would just put it down to insecurity and overlook it, but I wouldn't say it's normal to be asking) he may reasonably think you're doing the standard wishy-washy non-confrontational "get partner to break up with ME so s/he's the bad guy". It doesn't make a lot of sense in this case, since the relationship's not that intertwined and there wouldn't be any reason to justify the breakup to anyone else, but maybe he's perplexed by your behaviour and asking for advice about it from people who don't know you and might have suggested this just as a possible explanation.

Can you talk together (face to face, in person if possible) and work this out, if you think the relationship's worth it? Tell him what you've said here about being insecure and maybe out of touch with current dating "norms" - but without too much detail about your past relationships (unless he asks and you want to tell). If you're able to stop asking these questions, tell him you'll stop and see if you can instead agree that if either of you want to end the relationship, you'll be proactive and honest about it even if it seems like a difficult conversation to have.

Totally. I get that. I need to change and stop doing that. 100%. No arguments here.

I just would like to understand where he's getting the angle he's taken from.

Just to clarify he is also a widower, and I'm his first relationship since then, so we are both rebuilding our lives, but I would like to think not using each other.

There’s nothing ‘normal’ or ‘female’ about weapons-grade insecurity expressing itself as you asking your boyfriend after every single time you see one another if he is still happy with you. I’m sorry you lost your DH, OP, but I don’t think you’re ready for a relationship. I’d end things, work on my depression and anxiety, and be single for a while.

Ok this sounds incredibly stressful for you both. I’m in a relationship after losing my husband but was lucky enough to have over 4 years of therapy in between. Can I strongly suggest that you look into having some yourself? Communication sounds very complex and painful for you at the moment and it does sound as if you are both pushing each other away unnecessarily. How long ago did his wife die? It sounds as if you both expect something from each other that you don’t expect to have to give. It could be that you’d be fine in the future but not with this missed communication.

For now, I’d say to him that you find being apart so much very hard and that it may be bringing back your loss. Ask him how he copes with that and express that you feel the need for reassurance.

Sounds like he’s also an overthinker, lacks self esteem and is insecure.

It’s easy to over think texts because you can’t see the person’s face when they type. I’m not saying that you are making him over think btw, I’m saying that as a fellow overthinker you need to try and sympathise with him adding one and one and making eleven.

Because you’re repeatedly irritating him by asking after every (presumably perfectly pleasant) weekend whether he’s just pretending to be happy in the relationship, rather than taking him at his world. Surely it’s not hard to see why that could look like you wanting out, but not wanting to say it?

We have discussed being honest with each other, but that would be a good conversation to go over. Thank you.

I understand your point, thank you.

Thank you.

He was widowed 4 years ago, I was widowed 2.5 years ago. Neither of us has had therapy, maybe we both need it.

We are happy when we are together, but obviously I need to change.

I hadn't thought of it like that, which is very selfish of me. Thank you for helping me see that.

You say you are feeling insecure but you say he is a widower and this is his first relationship since too. So you asking the questions you are, are more than likely making him question your motives, and then in turn making him feel insecure himself.

I think you are both nervous about losing one another after finding a glimmer of happiness again that maybe both of you questioned you would have again. And therefore are both overthinking and being a bit oversensitive to what the other is thinking and feeling. Which I am sure is pretty normal under the circumstances.

You need to improve your communication with one another and that may mean you being open and honest and vulnerable with each other. Then hopefully you can figure out if you are both ready for another relationship just yet and if this is right.

Good Luck. You deserve to find happiness again. Maybe this guy is it, maybe he isn't. Hopefully you can figure that out in time. xx

As I said, it's really easy to see how it could be annoying and he would need to tell me to f off..but no, not easy to see how it could be me wanting him to finish with me because I want to finish with him. If I wanted to finish with him I wouldn't give a toss what he thought would I? It wouldn't matter to me if he was happy or unhappy. I certainly wouldn't have any anxiety about the relationship ending and therefore wouldn't be seeking any reassurance.

don’t think that type of questioning is normal female behaviour either. It sounds dismissive to refer to it as that. I’m curious why you didn’t stop asking these questions as soon as it became obvious that it annoyed him? Are you actually unable to stop or do you think he should accept that you will be continuing to ask these questions? You need to be honest with yourself about why you are doing it?

If genuinely are unable to stop then maybe you need help with that as it’s going to continue to cause problems as long as you are in a relationship.

I can see why he thinks you might be doing it to sabotage the relationship.

Do you think the relationship is happy otherwise? Are there other reasons why you feel like you need reassurance?

Oh interesting. I'm also a widow and find myself asking those questions of new DP, despite never having been "needy" in the past.

I think in some ways I am giving him the "opportunity" to break up . Not becuase that's what I want, but because if he does, I'd rather know sooner than later.

Maybe it's not just me being completely fucked up then.

I do know that my husbands death was very sudden and unexpected and traumatic (he died in front of me and I couldn't save him).

I did, and I guess still do, worry that same thing will happen with my partner, maybe that is fuelling my anxiety and need for reassurance.

I'm really sorry that you too were widowed, and experiencing the same thing. Thank you for commenting though, I am VERY grateful xx

Could I suggest you take time to think about and then write down the best bits about your date - and send that to him in a 'Really enjoyed the weekend, especially...' sort of way instead?
Try it next time, see how that works for you.

I have told him I will try and stop. He hasn't asked me to, just said what I've already reported here.

Anxiety is a bit like having mental chickenpox..you know you shouldn't scratch (ask the question), you know it will make things worse, but it's so overwhelmingly (mentally) " itchy" that it's unbearable not to.

Not an excuse though, I understand.

I do tend to ask him after the weekend what I think are fairly normal female questions..is he still happy with me, is he still happy in the relationship etc.

@ICantCarryThisToo Honestly I’m not sure these are typical female Qs. I’ve certainly never asked these of any of my partners. I have to confess if someone was regularly asking me this after time together I’d think they’re skirting around something they’re too scared to directly ask and my thought would also be that they have secret gripes and maybe somehow want to manipulate me into ending it for some unknown reason.

Thank you. Obviously I need to take myself off and give my head a wobble. Point taken.

Because that's the logical explanation for asking that. It's not normal to ask those things when you're happy and things are going well. If you've got negative thoughts in your head about him he'll pick up on that. It's not nice being badgered with neediness like that. So just stop doing it.

I would struggle with 2 weekends per month and Im not a widow, it would make me feel insecure. Maybe you throw him back. Start doing things that you like doing, find out more about yourself and then maybe start looking for a partner, maybe one will come along naturally, while you’re doing things you enjoy.
Too much self annihilation isn’t good for anyone. Give yourself a break and some more time to heal.

Thank you.

Thank you for your note of kindness. I really appreciate it.