I really need someone to explain this to me please?

[ICantCarryThisToo]

Been with partner for over a year now. First relationship after sadly losing my husband (which was a 30+ year very stable and happy relationship).

I'm quite insecure, I freely admit (depression, anxiety), and also still navigating my grief, so my head is fairly all over the place some days but I'm trying to rebuild some kind of a life as I'm still pretty young. Partner is a widower himself.

Don't see partner often, 2 weekends a month..not ideal, but life isn't these days.

Because I sometimes massively overthink things I do tend to ask him after the weekend what I think are fairly normal female questions..is he still happy with me, is he still happy in the relationship etc.

Could be massively annoying, I admit. Need to work on that.

But he has decided to interpret me asking these questions as : Me wanting to finish with him, but not wanting to be the one to do it, so he thinks I am asking them to get him to finish with me, and has told me so repeatedly.

Honestly, I'm perplexed that he could even think that or derive that meaning from me just needing a bit of reassurance, and liking to hear that things are good with us.

To me, if I wanted things to be over I wouldn't give a f*ck what he thought of me, and I wouldn't be hanging around to ask any questions or find out the answers. I'd just be off, or treating him like shit and looking for someone else. None of which I am or would do.

Make it make sense please. Or give me a slap around me chops and talk some sense into me.

I agree with other posters that this is a you problem, OP. And it’s totally understandable given your loss, but you must know that constantly forcing State of the Nation conversations about your relationship will make him feel insecure, as well as being exhausting. You seem to have a blind spot about why he could possibly put this interpretation on it, whereas in fact it is quite a common strategy for the person who wants to end the relationship, but doesn’t want to be seen as the bad guy, to badger the other person into bringing up any minor dissatisfactions they might have.

You need to step away and work on yourself OP. When you're in a good place mentally only then will you be ready for a relationship. While you're insecure and anxious you're not going to attract the sort of people who make for a healthy, functional relationship because you're not in the place to have one yourself. You've proved my point by seeming to have found someone as insecure and needy as you are.

It's not my strategy though, but I take your point.

Thank you.

Actually a boyfriend did that to me years ago- kept asking if I was happy with him, then suggested I would be happier with a mutual friend! I said Are you dumping me, and he denied it . He was of course wanting to, and eventually asked someone else to tell me it was over. So I get what your partner is saying.

I'm really sorry that that happened to.you,.genuinely, but that doesn't mean that that's what I'm.doing. Not everyone is the same. I do take what you are saying though,.and that that may be why he's saying it. Only I know what's in my heart though, I can't prove it to anyone sadly. I can try and work on myself though, and I will.

He's double bluffing you. He's not that into you and he's making sure he has this to fall back on when he strays. 'Oh, well you pushed me away always asking me that'.

No no, I don’t mean you are doing this. Just that it’s understandable that your DP worries that you might be doing it. he is probably struggling to understand why you keep checking his feelings for you and has come up with this explanation, which can’t be unique to my ex.

This is what my friend thinks. I'm hoping not.

But you suspect it.

I think you're insecure for a reason, you suspect this for a reason, and he's labouring the point for a reason.

Or you're just THAT insecure.... in which case it would probably be good to be single a while while you work that out. Sounds cliched but it's true.

OP I think it’s understandable that you would be more anxious and reassurance seeking in a relationship context, after losing your husband in such a traumatic way. I think therapy would really help you.

Thanks. I really need to face that and do it. Avoiding the pain to be honest.

Firstly, I'm very sorry for your loss. A little over a year isn't a long time and grief can continue to rear its head at any time, you're still processing your loss after a happy 30 year marriage.

if your new partner is a good person, can you put your trust in him and believe that he wants to be with you so there's no need to seek reassurance quite so often?

id have a chat, level-set with him and say you're moving forward by not asking so many questions as you recognise it must be stressful for him, given that he too lost his life partner.

all the best to you its difficult for you both x

Thank you very much.

He has his own grief, his own life experiences, his own emotional baggage, his own personality traits. The reason he's thinking that is exactly the same reason why you keep asking - insecurity.

The more you avoid pain, the more it comes out in different ways - in relationship patterns, aches and pains, poor sleep, worry, etc etc. The worst thing has already happened. It could be a catharsis for you to start processing and healing. It takes courage to acknowledge pain and speak of it. You have already started by posting here.

Are you worried that he'll leave you suddenly and unexpectedly and this is a way to try to prevent/ control that?

Is he not giving/ showing he loves you and cares? Maybe chat about your love languages and needs, if you need him to say he's had a lovely time at the end of a weekend together then perhaps you can explain that so he knows, perhaps he thought that something he did for you, or a gift he gave showed his love when what you want/ need are words?

But you know it’s annoying and needy! Why do you have to be TOLD to stop it?

Can you explain exactly why you do everything you do?

Are you always 100% happy with everything you do or have ever done?

No? Me neither. That's the real world. None of us are perfect. Sometimes we mess it up, even though we don't want to.

I've messed it up. I will try and fix it. Thats all I can do sadly.

I think creating a new relationship having both experienced and long term relationship and grieving one is incredibly hard.

I can see another viewpoint from why he might say it is that by asking him is he happy you are questioning how he is acting, you are implying he is acting in such a way that makes you think that and crucially perhaps potentially in a way your husband didn’t react. So yes he either could be double bluffing or generally mean it

what is clear though is you can’t replace what you have lost

You can't.

And I can't replace his wife. I'm very, very conscious of that latter fact.

She was, most likely, everything I will never be able to be. Maybe he feels the same with reference to my husband. I don't know.

I think it's plausible you have a fear of abandonment, OP. Obviously, your DH did not voluntarily leave you, but I think there could likely be the fear of someone you love leaving you again. Your boyfriend may also have the same fear as a widower.

Complete arm chair psychology from one widow to another.

It’s not normal behaviour, it sounds like it’s a compulsion you have to keep asking and checking and it would really bother most people.

We don’t have to be perfect! You don’t think there’s a middle ground between reasonable and perfect?

I’m really sorry OP because truthfully this sounds like a really difficult situation, being navigated by two people who in all honesty could have probably both done with some therapy before embarking on a new relationship.

I can see it from both sides. If I was always being asked if I was still happy etc, I would then start to think that other person wasn’t happy and was almost trying to make me see that we’re not happy, so I get where he could be coming from there.