I really need someone to explain this to me please?

[ICantCarryThisToo]

Been with partner for over a year now. First relationship after sadly losing my husband (which was a 30+ year very stable and happy relationship).

I'm quite insecure, I freely admit (depression, anxiety), and also still navigating my grief, so my head is fairly all over the place some days but I'm trying to rebuild some kind of a life as I'm still pretty young. Partner is a widower himself.

Don't see partner often, 2 weekends a month..not ideal, but life isn't these days.

Because I sometimes massively overthink things I do tend to ask him after the weekend what I think are fairly normal female questions..is he still happy with me, is he still happy in the relationship etc.

Could be massively annoying, I admit. Need to work on that.

But he has decided to interpret me asking these questions as : Me wanting to finish with him, but not wanting to be the one to do it, so he thinks I am asking them to get him to finish with me, and has told me so repeatedly.

Honestly, I'm perplexed that he could even think that or derive that meaning from me just needing a bit of reassurance, and liking to hear that things are good with us.

To me, if I wanted things to be over I wouldn't give a f*ck what he thought of me, and I wouldn't be hanging around to ask any questions or find out the answers. I'd just be off, or treating him like shit and looking for someone else. None of which I am or would do.

Make it make sense please. Or give me a slap around me chops and talk some sense into me.

An "easier" way to get someone to do something you want them to do, is to get them to think the action is their idea. Suppose you say,

"Gosh that chocolate cake looks nice. You like chocolate, don't you?" to get them to eat the chocolate cake
/or/
"Your tomatoes look like they have a fungus. My mom swears by X as tomato treatment... yeah you're right, giving X a try is a great idea"
/or/
"Are you really happy with me?... yeah, you're right, it's not working, you're so clever to work that out just too bad not everything lasts forever" and now I don't feel guilty for dumping you.

That's where he's coming from if you keep telling him that he should think hard about whether he wants the relationship or not. It sounds like you're actually you're not brave about finishing it or saying truth that you're not happy so you must want him to say all that first.

Do you feel secure in the relationship, though?

I think it may be partly that you lost your husband in such traumatic circumstances (and I am so sorry that this was your experience) but I also think that the right person would not cause you anxiety but feel comfortable. So something is not sitting right with you. How is the communication between your visits?

Of course he is - why wouldn’t he be. And I think this conversation highlights this for both of you and it is the root of the issue

but seeing her as everything you aren’t is a you issue

if you can’t accept the fact that it isn’t going to be the same and you aren’t going to replace each others spouse but be there as companions for each other

I think that if a partner keeps on asking the same question, it’s easy to wonder if you are doing something wrong for that person to be dissatisfied with your previous answer. You would wonder why it was being asked so much and what detail you must have missed for it to be a regular thing.

After your next weekend together, try and send a text saying that you had a great time without asking what he thinks. If the relationship is going to work, you’re going to have to start trusting him which is scary but necessary for a long term relationship. Even better give the positive feedback in person and you’ll hopefully be able to tell from his face that he’s happy to hear that and feels the same way too.

Obviously I have gotten this aspect of the relationship really, really wrong, but I promise that I'm really good to him and treat him well and look after him and praise him and say nice things every day. I just have got this bit terribly wrong.

OK. Don’t be dramatic though - it’s fixable, it’s fine, just tell him you were asking because you have been feeling anxious and insecure, but you’re really into him. Job done!

Thanks.