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Relationships

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Original poster

Partner's 18 year old daughter hates me (for no good reason)

95 replies

ThisGreyLurker · 20/08/2025 21:44

I have been in a relationship with my partner for over 3 years. We get on well but there is one major problem - his daughter. Prior to me, he had other short relationships, his daughter did not like any of his previous partners and had a hand in the breakdown of their relationship. Her and her father are VERY close (almost to the exclusion of all others) and he has her on a pedestal and spoils her rotten (to the point of ridiculousness) and treats her almost like a partner. She has a say in what he wears, what he eats, where he goes, what car he drives and he tells her everything (including about his relationships). She is rude and dismissive but he cannot see that as he has rose tinted glasses on!
She currently lives with her mum but my partner has just bought a house (that they chose together - if she did not like the house that he liked, he would not go for it and she had measurements of how big her room had to be) and she is moving in with him. She has already told him what she wants doing to the house and what new furniture he should buy for the house so it will in effect be their house.

All through our relationship she has been there, making sure she is there at weekends (our time together) and choosing where we go, what we do and what we eat etc. He always gives her her way. They walk along arm in arm (with me walking behind) and if me and my partner go out together for an evening, she asks him how much he spent! He tells her when we have an argument and basically everything about our relationship.

I have tried SO hard to get on with her, I have been nice, bought her lovely gifts, gone along with what she wants to do etc but to no avail. She has never hugged me and most of the time barely speaks to me. She doesn't have many friends and the way she is has caused issues with her mum and her partner and his children (who can't wait for her to move out).
Before all the keyboard warriors say I am jealous, I can assure you I am not! I have a lot of friends and have never really had anyone dislike me for no reason before. I have friends with children her age and they love me and love spending time with me, I think I am an amicable person and have never had an issue like this before. I have my own house and am self sufficient and independent and am in no way jealous at all!
I am however at my wits end, I feel uncomfortable around her as she just ignores me and fawns all over her dad and I can't see it getting any better. She wants me gone (like all the others) and I get the impression that she wants her dad (and his money) all for herself.

Now they are moving in together, I can't see a good ending. She will be there all the time and as she does not make me feel welcome in any way, I won't want to go round there so in effect, she has "won" yet again.
The problem is, I do love him (and he loves me) and we get on well but he is completely blinkered about his daughter. When I have said that it is an issue and that she does not make me feel welcome and does not speak to me, he just says "that is the way she is".

I can't see things changing anytime soon and I am worried that them moving in together could be the final straw as we can't progress our relationship while they are living together.
I don't want to split up but I just don't know what to do. Any advice / thoughts would be appreciated but please, no trolls as my mental state is not great at the moment. Thank you.

OP posts:

Cassy5 · 21/08/2025 09:51

I don’t understand why you’ve stayed for three years. What are you getting out of this relationship? He’s getting his emotional needs met by his daughter, he only talks about her and work, he’s choosing houses with her instead of you… Leave and breathe a sigh of relief!

JLou08 · 21/08/2025 09:52

Sounds like he has had women in and out of her life. I think it's understandable she doesn't want to bond with another one. Maybe he had previously prioritised other women and she has learned this behaviour to keep him close.

BuckChuckets · 21/08/2025 09:56

ThisGreyLurker · 20/08/2025 22:33

Thank u for all your comments - i think one person said that i resent her and want to damage their relationship, ii really don’t and I don’t want to be a step parent to her either - i just want us to get on and for her to make me feel welcome which I don’t think is a lot to ask! They r super close; they message constantly and she is all he talks about (apart from work lol) and it is a bit all encompassing - I think I know what I have to do but the issue is that it is not what I want to do :(

It's been three years, it's not going to happen. Honestly have some self respect and walk away.

Redcliffe1 · 21/08/2025 09:56

Do you have your own place that he can stay at?

PreciousTatas · 21/08/2025 10:00

Exactly how rich is this guy that you would put up with this shit?

You should have walked away years ago. Any woman with standards and healthy boundaries would have.

Their relationship sounds unhealthy, but frankly it isn't your circus, and they're not your monkeys. Let them get on with it and find an actual man.

Goditsmemargaret · 21/08/2025 10:02

This is awful and it's his fault. He's been a terrible father to her. It's borderline abusive. I feel very sorry for her.

I'm speaking from experience. I had an identical situation except after he met me he tried to unravel and put them on more of a father daughter footing. This was awful for her as it seemed like she was losing him. There are slightly younger siblings in this case and that really highlighting how her 'status' was aligned with mine instead of her siblings.

It got worse when I was pregnant and I worried she might harm the baby. She certainly bore me malice.

I understand it's almost impossible not to feel angry and upset by her but do your best to rise above it. You're the adult and she's a victim of her parents' mess.

My advice honestly is to walk away but if you think he's worth it you need lots of therapy to build a new dynamic. Good luck.

ThePinkPoster · 21/08/2025 10:06

ThisGreyLurker · 20/08/2025 22:33

I think you need to examine why you think you don’t deserve better; I simply can’t imagine WHY you don’t want to dump him. I mean apart from playing second fiddle to what sounds like an incredibly unpleasant young women, isn’t he just really really boring? You say he only talks about work and his daughter. Even if you and she got on well and she was a lovely person, wouldn’t the fact he’s only got two topics of conversation be unbearably tedious after about two dates??

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 21/08/2025 10:14

I wouldn't have wasted 3 years, clearly his daughter is his priority.

You don't live together do you ? so it's so much easier to end it when boyfriend/girlfriend - so do so.

Find someone who wants you and can prioritise his time for you.

Dweetfidilove · 21/08/2025 10:27

I can't even imagine why any right-thinking, self-sufficient woman would put up with any of this 😒. She chooses where we go, eat, spend... Just let them go!

AgentJohnson · 21/08/2025 10:30

Any advice / thoughts would be appreciated but please, no trolls as my mental state is not great at the moment.

So you expect randoms on the internet to prioritise your MH while you willingly choose to damage it by staying in a situation that you acknowledge is not good for it.

This dynamic pre dates you and will probably continue long after you’re gone. If you want to waist another three years of your life wishing and hoping for things to be different, knock yourself out but he will always choose the current dynamic with his daughter over you.

The balls in his court.

Takenoprisoner · 21/08/2025 10:37

You have a partner problem.

He's using his daughter to keep women at arm's length. Otherwise he would have put boundaries in place. He's not into you, you're more into him. You can't save this relationship, you need to end it before it crushes your confidence and self esteem from fighting for crumbs from this man. He enjoys having 2 women fighting over him. Very disturbing behaviour. Just leave @ThisGreyLurker

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 21/08/2025 10:40

I could have wrote your thread although I lived in it. It does not get easier when they are that age. Eventually my SD got pregnant and moved out, she made my life a nightmare, manipulative and sneaky, ignored me, stole my stuff and money, laughed at me behind her dads back, told lies to him about me which caused some really big arguments, and he couldn't see it - he admits it now.

However, she recently moved back in after after 5 years and after going through a very traumatic experience and she has matured, a lot - we actually now have a good relationship, can sit and chat, I help her with things and vice versa, she helps me cook and clean and do the laundry, it's actually nice to have her back home.

I realise now it was that she was insecure, lonely, anxious and just generally lost and felt unloved. She didn't have a great life when she lived with her mother and has realised the mother is a waste of space and all the hatred the mother had towards me was just jealousy she projected onto her, which fuelled her attitude towards me. Even now, 15 years in, her mother still slags me off, but she tells me now, she only sees her mum once every couple of months now. She also felt left out when her brother lived with his dad and then i moved in with 2 additional children, I knew this at the time and did as much as I could to try and include her but she only ever wanted to be the centre of attention with dad, which is understandable.

It was a hard slog for me and I nearly left so many times.

It's hard

Ownyourchoices · 21/08/2025 10:58

What sort of sad 18 year old spends their time hanging out with Daddy? They both sound pathetic. Run

PigletSanders · 21/08/2025 21:57

Your partner is really fucking weird.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 21/08/2025 22:02

Your whole post is about her and her behaviour. In your shoes I'd be asking myself;

why is this man so enmeshed with his daughter and unable to make his own decisions, and
why did I pursue a relationship with a man like that?

It's really only no. 2 that you have any control over.

Cinnabonswirl · 21/08/2025 22:09

It’s odd to me you’re seeing this as a dsd issue and not a dp issue
he’s treating his daughter like a romantic partner you said, she has full control of his life and knows all his business, and has been allowed to interfere in his relationships. That doesn’t seem like good parenting or like something that would be in the best interests of a child. Knowing the ins and outs of, and in fact running an adults life is a lot of responsibility for a teenager. You’re talking like she’s the instigator and not the victim of poor parenting

Personperson · 21/08/2025 22:19

Have you posted this before? Sounds familiar.

FinallyHere · 22/08/2025 13:41

Oh lovely, you are never going to have a good life with this man. Never.

Hope you decide to be good to your self and stop your relationship.

Pushandpull25 · 22/08/2025 14:21

@ThisGreyLurker As someone who has had personal experience of this type of situation I would say run! I’m not sure how you have stuck it out this long as yours sounds even worse than what I experienced. The linking arms thing though made me laugh as I had the same thing. Many times they would walk ahead of me, arm in arm or she would even put her arm around his shoulder and look back at me 🤣 (I’m no longer with this partner by the way)

If she has already decided she doesn’t like you and sees her dad as “hers” and hates any women who comes into his life then it’s never going to work is it? Especially if she lives with him. At 18 she should be out with her friends and have her own life, it’s nice for him to be close to his daughter but this sounds an odd set up and I would just end it. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery otherwise. You’ve tried, for a long time, and it’s no better and sounds like it will actually just get worse.

Pushandpull25 · 22/08/2025 14:22

@ThisGreyLurker oh and I agree with an above poster who says it’s an issue with your partner - he should not be encouraging this style of relationship and it’s over stepping a healthy dad / daughter relationship for sure.

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