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Original poster

Partner's 18 year old daughter hates me (for no good reason)

95 replies

ThisGreyLurker · 20/08/2025 21:44

I have been in a relationship with my partner for over 3 years. We get on well but there is one major problem - his daughter. Prior to me, he had other short relationships, his daughter did not like any of his previous partners and had a hand in the breakdown of their relationship. Her and her father are VERY close (almost to the exclusion of all others) and he has her on a pedestal and spoils her rotten (to the point of ridiculousness) and treats her almost like a partner. She has a say in what he wears, what he eats, where he goes, what car he drives and he tells her everything (including about his relationships). She is rude and dismissive but he cannot see that as he has rose tinted glasses on!
She currently lives with her mum but my partner has just bought a house (that they chose together - if she did not like the house that he liked, he would not go for it and she had measurements of how big her room had to be) and she is moving in with him. She has already told him what she wants doing to the house and what new furniture he should buy for the house so it will in effect be their house.

All through our relationship she has been there, making sure she is there at weekends (our time together) and choosing where we go, what we do and what we eat etc. He always gives her her way. They walk along arm in arm (with me walking behind) and if me and my partner go out together for an evening, she asks him how much he spent! He tells her when we have an argument and basically everything about our relationship.

I have tried SO hard to get on with her, I have been nice, bought her lovely gifts, gone along with what she wants to do etc but to no avail. She has never hugged me and most of the time barely speaks to me. She doesn't have many friends and the way she is has caused issues with her mum and her partner and his children (who can't wait for her to move out).
Before all the keyboard warriors say I am jealous, I can assure you I am not! I have a lot of friends and have never really had anyone dislike me for no reason before. I have friends with children her age and they love me and love spending time with me, I think I am an amicable person and have never had an issue like this before. I have my own house and am self sufficient and independent and am in no way jealous at all!
I am however at my wits end, I feel uncomfortable around her as she just ignores me and fawns all over her dad and I can't see it getting any better. She wants me gone (like all the others) and I get the impression that she wants her dad (and his money) all for herself.

Now they are moving in together, I can't see a good ending. She will be there all the time and as she does not make me feel welcome in any way, I won't want to go round there so in effect, she has "won" yet again.
The problem is, I do love him (and he loves me) and we get on well but he is completely blinkered about his daughter. When I have said that it is an issue and that she does not make me feel welcome and does not speak to me, he just says "that is the way she is".

I can't see things changing anytime soon and I am worried that them moving in together could be the final straw as we can't progress our relationship while they are living together.
I don't want to split up but I just don't know what to do. Any advice / thoughts would be appreciated but please, no trolls as my mental state is not great at the moment. Thank you.

OP posts:
Doingmybest12 · 20/08/2025 22:50

He is happy with their relationship and she is his priority. If you aren't happy with the way things are then you need to walk away. Some of the things you mention seem fairly normal, I would probably buy a house my 18 year old preferred if there was a choice . The issue is he's not progressing his relationship with you so it's up to you of that's OK or not.

HateThese4Leggedbeasts · 20/08/2025 22:52

itsachickeninnit · 20/08/2025 22:07

Have you posted about this before? If not it was someone else in an identical situation and the answers remain the same - ditch him, you’re on a hiding to nothing.

I was going to say the same!

Teh relationship has run it's course. You aren't going to improve this.

TheAutumnCrow · 20/08/2025 22:54

ThisGreyLurker · 20/08/2025 22:33

Thank u for all your comments - i think one person said that i resent her and want to damage their relationship, ii really don’t and I don’t want to be a step parent to her either - i just want us to get on and for her to make me feel welcome which I don’t think is a lot to ask! They r super close; they message constantly and she is all he talks about (apart from work lol) and it is a bit all encompassing - I think I know what I have to do but the issue is that it is not what I want to do :(

Well, short of alternating weekends with his daughter, possibly for years, I think that you really only do have one option left - cut him loose.

Dabberlocks · 20/08/2025 22:58

You have already posted about your relationship with him, and also about his daughter, and you have had plenty of good advice from replies on those other threads.

Neither of them are going to change. You are wasting your time. He will always put her first. You need to end the relationship.

Scarylett · 20/08/2025 23:03

ThisGreyLurker · 20/08/2025 22:33

Thank u for all your comments - i think one person said that i resent her and want to damage their relationship, ii really don’t and I don’t want to be a step parent to her either - i just want us to get on and for her to make me feel welcome which I don’t think is a lot to ask! They r super close; they message constantly and she is all he talks about (apart from work lol) and it is a bit all encompassing - I think I know what I have to do but the issue is that it is not what I want to do :(

The problem is not with his daughter but with your partner. He doesn’t know how to parent appropriately and frankly things will never change as he doesn’t want them to. It will get worse when she moves in. Best to cut your losses and move on. Leave them to it.

DoRayMeMeMe · 20/08/2025 23:06

CopperWhite · 20/08/2025 21:53

When you say weekends are ‘our time together’, what makes you think that your weekend time with him is more important than her weekend time with her father? She probably doesn’t like you just because she wouldn’t like anyone in your position as she doesn’t want or need a step parent, but I expect she senses your resentment of her existence as well.

If you can’t be supportive of their relationship, you need to walk away. It is not your place to damage their relationship so that you can find your way into the position you want.

Ewww! Are you the daughter?

She absolutely shouldn’t “be supportive”, she should run the hell away from this weird enmeshed mess.

You’re probably right that she will try to ruin every relationship her father has by being a weird pseudo girlfriend, OP should run, because she (OP) deserves so much better.

Endofyear · 20/08/2025 23:09

You can either accept that you're always going to be playing third wheel to his unhealthy relationship with his daughter or walk away now. I'd recommend the latter.

SunflowerTed · 20/08/2025 23:15

CopperWhite · 20/08/2025 21:53

When you say weekends are ‘our time together’, what makes you think that your weekend time with him is more important than her weekend time with her father? She probably doesn’t like you just because she wouldn’t like anyone in your position as she doesn’t want or need a step parent, but I expect she senses your resentment of her existence as well.

If you can’t be supportive of their relationship, you need to walk away. It is not your place to damage their relationship so that you can find your way into the position you want.

Have you read her post? She has bent over backwards to be supportive!!!!

whynotwhatknot · 20/08/2025 23:24

you have a dp problem he spoils her he hasnt got time for a relationship let this one go

Ponderingwindow · 20/08/2025 23:28

His daughter could equally write that you are encroaching on family time. If she hasn’t been living with him full time, why do you need to be around when she is with him?

Snorlaxo · 20/08/2025 23:32

She hates anyone that her parents date. Your problem isn’t that he is blinkered- he likes having around when she is not. He is clearly happy with the way things are and I agree that it’s about to get worse with the house move. You can’t win so it’s pointless trying to fight this.

SapphOhNo · 20/08/2025 23:38

Yes this is a very familiar post.

OP, this is not the relationship for you. Get out. It's weird and life is short.

UhhhhhhhOK · 20/08/2025 23:41

Is she a cat? Agree ditch

trumpshairbrush · 20/08/2025 23:42

I’ve seen this exact thread before I’m sure of it.

TootSweeties · 20/08/2025 23:48

How did you get to the point of falling in love with this man if his daughter is constantly there or is all he talks about? I really do feel for you OP and hope you can walk away and choose yourself. He isn’t choosing you.

wanderingtopographer · 20/08/2025 23:49

Am sure this is a repost of a thread from a while ago, the scenario and the way it is worded are incredibly familiar! If not it's a bloody strange coincidence...

PauliesWalnuts · 20/08/2025 23:49

CopperWhite · 20/08/2025 21:53

When you say weekends are ‘our time together’, what makes you think that your weekend time with him is more important than her weekend time with her father? She probably doesn’t like you just because she wouldn’t like anyone in your position as she doesn’t want or need a step parent, but I expect she senses your resentment of her existence as well.

If you can’t be supportive of their relationship, you need to walk away. It is not your place to damage their relationship so that you can find your way into the position you want.

I didn’t get the impression from the OP that she resented the kid at all, while your response reads that you’re massively projecting. Adults are entitled to a personal life and a relationship and the kid sounds downright controlling and manipulative.

Ploachedplorridge · 21/08/2025 00:09

OP you come across as an intelligent person. I am sorry that you are facing this but you know what to do.

At a certain point, not making a decision, is a decision!

This daughter isn’t really the problem; it’s your dp who isn’t instigating proper boundaries around your relationship, probably because he feels a lot of guilt about his first marriage not working out and having to leave his children.

This is not going to change probably until the daughter marries and has children of her own. And even then… you might be justified in carrying a degree of resentment around about how he is treating you now. To discuss the private details of your relationship with his dd is a massive breach of trust and loyalty.

This is not about you op, this is about them and always will be.

And love is not enough. You need trust and safety too.

Sorry to sound harsh but why are you prepared to accept the leftover crumbs from the tray? Of course children quite rightly should come first but this is not a healthy relationship between your dp and his dd.

Please take control and walk away op for your own mh, You don’t need to be involved with someone with children or co-dependent relationships. You have autonomy and choice. By the sounds of it you have created a good life for yourself and you seriously deserve so much better!

Bellyblueboy · 21/08/2025 00:10

What do you want from this relationship? He has sent you a strong message by buying a new house on his own.

if you aren’t at the moving in together, marriage stage after three years then this isn’t a serious relationship.

you are dating. I think it has run its course.

Doyoumind · 21/08/2025 00:15

I agree with PPs. You've posted before, and more than once.

OfficerChurlish · 21/08/2025 01:23

Agree with PPs that you're making a mistake focusing mainly on the daughter's behaviour rather than your partner's. She may indeed be prickly and hard to get along with by nature, or she may just be a possessive, insecure teen trying hard to hold onto her dad because her life has changed more than she's able to understand or handle without adult help and guidance (which it sounds like she isn't getting from anyone). Her dad's an adult and while he should put his child's needs first, he shouldn't constantly defer to her wants at the expense of everything else. You say he treats her like a partner, but a partner relationship would be push and pull and mutual compromise, and it sounds like he's just giving in. IF parenting her means he's not able to be in a romantic relationship right now - and it really might - then he should recognise that and be honest with you about it.

Deferring to her tastes in housing is fine if he doesn't have strong feelings and it's just the two of them in the house, and she shouldn't be expected to be close with or hug her dad's partner or pretend to a closeness she doesn't feel. But she also shouldn't be allowed and encouraged to be endlessly rude and she should not be privy to the private details of her dad's relationships. It sounds like he's failing her as a parent, and he has treated you poorly. If he's not willing to examine or discuss the situation, I can't see how he'll ever change.

spoonbillstretford · 21/08/2025 01:26

ARichtGoodDram · 20/08/2025 21:49

A man who refused to parent his daughter appropriately- and sharing details of his relationships with her is absolutely inappropriate- wouldn't be one I stayed in a relationship with.

This. He is the problem.

tuvamoodyson · 21/08/2025 07:07

…and you’ve tolerated this for 3 YEARS??!! I’d have ran for my life a LONG time ago!

Zempy · 21/08/2025 07:09

I mean, this seems like pretty grim spousification.

I would have run a mile years ago. Where’s your self esteem?

MyAcornWood · 21/08/2025 07:11

arethereanyleftatall · 20/08/2025 22:43

What do you like about him then op?
you’ve detailed he’s clearly a crap parent, disloyal to you by over sharing, boring as all he talks about is her or work, actively excludes you on weekends…what is left to like about him?

This. How strange not strange at all that you’re choosing to blame an eighteen year old girl rather than your partner who sounds altogether hopeless and fundamentally the cause for said eighteen year old’s less than ideal behaviours.

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