Partner's 18 year old daughter hates me (for no good reason)

[ThisGreyLurker]

I have been in a relationship with my partner for over 3 years. We get on well but there is one major problem - his daughter. Prior to me, he had other short relationships, his daughter did not like any of his previous partners and had a hand in the breakdown of their relationship. Her and her father are VERY close (almost to the exclusion of all others) and he has her on a pedestal and spoils her rotten (to the point of ridiculousness) and treats her almost like a partner. She has a say in what he wears, what he eats, where he goes, what car he drives and he tells her everything (including about his relationships). She is rude and dismissive but he cannot see that as he has rose tinted glasses on!
She currently lives with her mum but my partner has just bought a house (that they chose together - if she did not like the house that he liked, he would not go for it and she had measurements of how big her room had to be) and she is moving in with him. She has already told him what she wants doing to the house and what new furniture he should buy for the house so it will in effect be their house.

All through our relationship she has been there, making sure she is there at weekends (our time together) and choosing where we go, what we do and what we eat etc. He always gives her her way. They walk along arm in arm (with me walking behind) and if me and my partner go out together for an evening, she asks him how much he spent! He tells her when we have an argument and basically everything about our relationship.

I have tried SO hard to get on with her, I have been nice, bought her lovely gifts, gone along with what she wants to do etc but to no avail. She has never hugged me and most of the time barely speaks to me. She doesn't have many friends and the way she is has caused issues with her mum and her partner and his children (who can't wait for her to move out).
Before all the keyboard warriors say I am jealous, I can assure you I am not! I have a lot of friends and have never really had anyone dislike me for no reason before. I have friends with children her age and they love me and love spending time with me, I think I am an amicable person and have never had an issue like this before. I have my own house and am self sufficient and independent and am in no way jealous at all!
I am however at my wits end, I feel uncomfortable around her as she just ignores me and fawns all over her dad and I can't see it getting any better. She wants me gone (like all the others) and I get the impression that she wants her dad (and his money) all for herself.

Now they are moving in together, I can't see a good ending. She will be there all the time and as she does not make me feel welcome in any way, I won't want to go round there so in effect, she has "won" yet again.
The problem is, I do love him (and he loves me) and we get on well but he is completely blinkered about his daughter. When I have said that it is an issue and that she does not make me feel welcome and does not speak to me, he just says "that is the way she is".

I can't see things changing anytime soon and I am worried that them moving in together could be the final straw as we can't progress our relationship while they are living together.
I don't want to split up but I just don't know what to do. Any advice / thoughts would be appreciated but please, no trolls as my mental state is not great at the moment. Thank you.

Been there, done that. I stopped trying and left, after a year. The daughter in question finally got a job at 29, years after I left.

You won't win. It's a totally unhealthy dynamic and you need to stop wasting your time.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5319401-my-partner-lets-his-18-year-old-control-his-life?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

Same poster identical thread but zero of the advice obviously taken

Isn't she moving out to go to university or does she work.

The child in question is 18 - calm down 🤦🏼‍♀️

"that is the way she is"

Yes, because he's created this monster. He sounds obsessed with her and that's really weird and unnatural. I struggle to understand how you can love someone who is so completely enmeshed with their adult offspring. Sharing details of your relationship with her is totally inappropriate.

I'd be telling him you don't want to be playing gooseberry in their relationship and getting the hell away.

i just want us to get on and for her to make me feel welcome which I don’t think is a lot to ask!

That’s a huge amount to ask of an 18 year old who has no choice but to have you around whether she likes it or not.

You are her father’s choice, not hers, so why is it her job to make you feel welcome? The adults in her life had the job of making her feel secure enough in her upbringing that she didn’t feel the need to be clingy with her Dad now, but they didn’t. She is not obliged to have a relationship with you.

Yes, she has.

@ThisGreyLurker this is the third or fourth post (the second this month) that you’ve started this year about this man and his DD. What do you want from this thread that you didn’t get from the others?

Why would somebody just keep posting the same issue again and again looking for advice but then not listening to any of it? Utterly bizarre!

To understand her behaviour you would need to know and understand the history of her parent's relationship & subsequent split.
Do you know those details?

It is odd behaviour on her part but she is just 18 and was 15 when you met so she is the child here and he is the adult. Why does he feel the need to indulge her so much? Is it driven by guilt?

As others have said, if it's been going on this long it's unlikely to change anytime soon & you have no way of knowing if it will ever change enough for you to be comfortable in this relationship with her father.
I think you know the best thing to do is to end the relationship & to be wholly honest with your partner as to why you are ending it.
If he really wants you and a future with you he could then make changes & your relationship could potentially restart but nothing will change if you don't do something drastic.
Alternatively you could just try to meet someone else with a less complicated life.

It’s quite common on here for some bizarre reason. I think they hope just one person will go against the grain and tell them what they want to hear and that will be the only post they’ll acknowledge.

But yes it’s just a waste of everyone’s time when the same OP creates multiple threads on the same issue, ignores what everyone says and carries ln regardless - until the next thread

It sounds like they have an emotionally incestuous relationship. I don’t think this guy is going to prioritise you.

It does sound a bit odd. But I do question how biased you may be. They didn't live together, the weekends were "your" time - they simply cannot be living in each other's pockets to the extent that you claim.
Don't pursue relationships with people if you don't like their children. It's simple.

there is one major problem - his daughter
No, the problem is daddy. And whatever happens with the daughter, he's still going to be there.

You’ve posted before. Nothing has changed.

You don’t have a stepDD problem, you have a partner problem. How can you be in love with a man who has no boundaries, and who is rude to you?

It’s sad because at some point she won’t be enough for him and he’ll be lonely, but that’s his problem.

Look after yourself.

Run

Been there, done that. Exact same situation with my ex. Nightmare daughter. Selfish. Greedy. Uses him like a cashpoint and has controlled every relationship he's ever had.

He's an ex due to her. Not specifically her, because he & I had a good love despite her interference. But due to his inability to commit because in essence his commitment was to her.

Now he's older and lonely, neglected by her other than when she wants something out of him because she's now married. But it's a situation of his own making. The time when he should have been committing to me, building our relationship, I was held at a distance for her.

This will never improve. You're wasting your time on her AND on him. He's a hopeless case.

Of course, people make their own choices. BUT if you continue to choose him, you are settling for being second best, for being in a very part time relationship, and frankly, now she's living with him, for never being welcome in his home.

By all means stay. But stop banging on about it, because this is the choice you're making.

I'd say she is not the actual problem, he is. He either loves the way she acts with him or doesn't know how to parent (yes, there is still a level of parenting that goes on with 18 plus children) or you can call it not setting boundaries. He is allowing her behaviours. Children can do this to parents within a marriage too, if one parent enables it.

You could try having a serious discussion with him about it, if you haven't already. Otherwise I suspect you'll be just waiting and hoping for a time when she begins to develop a life more separate from him.

From another standpoint though, I'd say many 18 year olds aren't ready for this and you could view it as him being a great parent. Doesn't help your relationship though.

You can't win here OP, he is not showing you any respect and you will never be his priority. Apart from all the other slights towards you (which he endorses!) I can't believe when you go out together he walks arm in arm with her and you are left trailing behind!
I too thought l'd read an almost exact replica of this post and l sure you will get the same advice. End it OP, it will get worse when they move into the new house together and any self esteem you have left will be eroded completely. You can still see him if you wish, on your terms of course, but without his daughter present. Personally though l wouldn't bother, raise your bar and move on.

This is very unhealthy for you.
Be strong and step away.
You won’t ever change people.

But she is now an adult, I wasn't even living at home at 18 much less spending time with my DF.

You have a DP issue here not a SD issue.

He’s the one you’re in a relationship with and he should be the one considering your feelings in the situation and wanting to change and fix things but obviously he’s happy the way things are.

It’s up to you to either accept that or move on.

Could you not spend more time at your house at the weekend?

I would and have definitely asked my teens opinions on new house/furniture and so on. As they still live with me. And will do for as long as they need too .
This is not weird.
Just because she is 18 doesnt mean she cant have a say or be involved.
Weekends are for family not just girlfriends. So I dont get that bit either.
Do you have kids op?
If not then maybe he isnt right for you. I dont think you are realistic in your view of people with teens. They dont just vanish when they turn 18

But a lot still do live at home and enjoy spending time with parents .

she is all he talks about (apart from work lol)

Why on earth are you interested in this man? He sounds absolutely bloody useless.