Would you date a man who had been an affair partner

newman2025 · 2025-08-18T22:09:33+00:00

Just as the title says. Recently bumped into someone I used to know at an event we both attended and we exchanged social media. Messaged a bit and agreed to meet up. During the course of the meet up told me because he’d been seen by someone he was just out of a long term “relationship “ with someone who was married. Sounds like it’s gone on for ages and only stopped recently and also during their time together they had a break up because he’d cheated on her but they got back together. He told me her name. She’s still on his social media. She doesn’t look like an awful person and I can see lots of interaction between them over the last few years. Who knows why she had an affair but what about him. He was vague and said they’d separated in last month.

ScanTheCan · 18/08/2025 23:10

No because his morals.

you’re welcome

TwistedWonder · 18/08/2025 23:12

No because lying and cheating are dealbreakers for me

MuchTooTired · 18/08/2025 23:14

Yes, I would and have.

KawasakiBabe · 18/08/2025 23:18

Probably not, his morals are appalling.

Original poster

newman2025 · 18/08/2025 23:20

MuchTooTired · 18/08/2025 23:14

Yes, I would and have.

How did it work out. Was he decent and trustworthy? Show any insight into his actions.

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MillingAround · 18/08/2025 23:22

Nope. His morals wouldn’t align with mine. He thinks affairs are ok so he might have one himself. I expect better.

Berlinlover · 18/08/2025 23:23

Yes, I would.

Darragon · 18/08/2025 23:23

She doesn’t look like an awful person
What does this even mean? Why do people have this odd view that bad people should "look" bad? Like, are you expecting her to have a nose like a fire axe, frowny black eyebrows and a thin Luigi moustache to twirl when she enacts her dastardly deeds?! How does an awful person look?

Original poster

newman2025 · 18/08/2025 23:23

I very much got the vibe she was hurt by him. I saw a text come through saying “Liar you told me” and couldn’t see the rest.

The evening ended soon after. I did ask him why it ended and he said he didn’t want to get involved further because of her children and to be the one who broke up the marriage but o thought well the horse had bolted on that one.

He has been very attentive on messages today though but no further mention of it.

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Original poster

newman2025 · 18/08/2025 23:26

Darragon · 18/08/2025 23:23

She doesn’t look like an awful person
What does this even mean? Why do people have this odd view that bad people should "look" bad? Like, are you expecting her to have a nose like a fire axe, frowny black eyebrows and a thin Luigi moustache to twirl when she enacts her dastardly deeds?! How does an awful person look?

You can tell by people’s comments if they are pleasant and kind to others. I can see some comments on mutual friends ( not ones I’d ever ask as more acquaintances). Just nice comments on some photos that seem genuine.

Obviously social media is just the lens I’m able to see her through.

Im not even sure if she’s still with husband. I think not. He’s not said.

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Original poster

newman2025 · 18/08/2025 23:27

Darragon · 18/08/2025 23:23

She doesn’t look like an awful person
What does this even mean? Why do people have this odd view that bad people should "look" bad? Like, are you expecting her to have a nose like a fire axe, frowny black eyebrows and a thin Luigi moustache to twirl when she enacts her dastardly deeds?! How does an awful person look?

You can tell by people’s comments if they are pleasant and kind to others. I can see some comments on mutual friends ( not ones I’d ever ask as more acquaintances). Just nice comments on some photos that seem genuine.

Obviously social media is just the lens I’m able to see her through.

Im not even sure if she’s still with husband. I think not. He’s not said.

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smallsilvercloud · 18/08/2025 23:28

He’s tells you it’s over, so he has a chance with you, also so he can explain why she’s over his SM, how would you trust him? Someone like him isn’t the best choice, it’s a disaster waiting to happen.

TomatoSandwiches · 18/08/2025 23:29

No, how sleazy.

PermanentTemporary · 18/08/2025 23:32

Not in this case because it sounds like he’s still embroiled in drama. Though I’m a hypocrite there because I was still in touch with a couple of guys who were WB (not reallly Fs) when I first started seeing dp.

I would t necessarily avoid a previously unfaithful person, no. There’s a lot of it about.

Snowfalling · 18/08/2025 23:33

told me because he’d been seen by someone he was just out of a long term “relationship “ with someone who was married

What does this mean? He'd had a long term relationship with someone married? it's not very clear.

And no I couldn't trust someone who did that. Could you? This was long term relationship, he was an affair partner, and also cheated on the affair partner. This is who he is, that's his character.

Original poster

newman2025 · 18/08/2025 23:42

Snowfalling · 18/08/2025 23:33

told me because he’d been seen by someone he was just out of a long term “relationship “ with someone who was married

What does this mean? He'd had a long term relationship with someone married? it's not very clear.

And no I couldn't trust someone who did that. Could you? This was long term relationship, he was an affair partner, and also cheated on the affair partner. This is who he is, that's his character.

Yes they have been seeing each other for years from the sound of it.

He was quick to tell me her name and said I don’t want her to cause trouble for us or hurt her. She found out I was seeing someone else and it wasn’t great at the time but we got back together when I’d finished things with the other people as I realised I’d made a mistake as it wasn’t the same.

There’s my warning isn’t it.
Hes testing the water. She didn’t cause trouble. She left and looked upset- shocked to see him. She was with a friend.

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researchers3 · 18/08/2025 23:44

No, i wouldn't. This probably rules out the majority of single men!! - Fine by me!

Mustbethat · 18/08/2025 23:56

No absolutely not.

it’s one thing I’m completely black and white on. You want a relationship with someone, cut all romantic ties to any previous partners first.

if they can cheat on someone, they can cheat on you.

which is why it burns that Dh’s ex has told his kids and family that I was the OW. When it was her had the affair - she was already living with OM when I met him.

BlakeCarrington · 19/08/2025 00:02

No. I wouldn’t ever be able to trust him.

Original poster

newman2025 · 19/08/2025 00:17

I just wonder when this conversation would have happened had we not seen her.

When do you usually have the timeline chat?

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Original poster

newman2025 · 19/08/2025 00:21

Oh and I did say how did the ending come about then and he said she’d raised it initially as in what the next steps were and he just said he doesn’t feel he can now cos of children and being seen as the one who had been the reason for marriage ending.

He’s early 50s no children. Not close to family from sound of it who do have children. Works. Seems solvent.

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ARichtGoodDram · 19/08/2025 00:25

I wouldn't trust him. Would he have told you openly if things hadn't happened the way they did?

I know someone who had an affair for years (her husband knew and he was doing the same - they didn't want to separate financially) and the guy said for years and years "once your children are old enough we can be together properly"

Once her children were old enough he bolted and she was heartbroken. Can you be sure it's not the same with her?

NNforthispost · 19/08/2025 00:25

It sounds like he told you about her - her name etc - in case she lets you know of his past behaviour. He says to avoid her ‘causing trouble’ (ie telling you how he was with her) and that he doesn’t want to hurt her (again if he cheated on her). He may not be being honest about her situation. Maybe he promised the world and she left her husband and then found out he was having it away with others (not excusing her affair at all - but the world’s not a black and white place). Maybe he’s just not being honest at all - but he’s given little slivers of truth to make himself look better in this whole situation.

I find the way he phrased it when he said he was seeing someone behind her back as odd too.

I think I’d give this one a swerve.

Original poster

newman2025 · 19/08/2025 00:36

I thought some of that too @NNforthispost . She left. She was upset and she sent one text. No trouble. No messages have come my way.

He said they’d split up in the last month but still in touch. What was that yesterday? A week? A whole month. Vague.

Is it awful I’ve stalked her page hard?! She had bereavements, she works , seeks active in her children’s school, is also doing a second (?) degree, comments on posts are encouraging, nice and witty. If anything she’s seems quite successful compared to his work/life ( I’m not judging here but his job is just that a job not a profession and he’s living in family home that needs to be sold after a parent died)

Im not sure im buying his narrative at all. We are meeting for a drink tomorrow. I may still go but watch carefully.

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Snowfalling · 19/08/2025 00:39

newman2025 · 19/08/2025 00:21

Oh and I did say how did the ending come about then and he said she’d raised it initially as in what the next steps were and he just said he doesn’t feel he can now cos of children and being seen as the one who had been the reason for marriage ending.

He’s early 50s no children. Not close to family from sound of it who do have children. Works. Seems solvent.

Edited

He sounds like he is a commitment phobe. he was in an affair relationship for years with a woman who wasn't available. He then cheated on her with someone else, who he broke up with because it 'wasn't the same' whatever that means. Again didn't obviously want to commit. Then when Affair partner wanted commitment from him he ended it with her because of children and not wanting to be the reason her marriage broke up. So moral of him!