Would you date a man who had been an affair partner

[newman2025]

Just as the title says.

Recently bumped into someone I used to know at an event we both attended and we exchanged social media. Messaged a bit and agreed to meet up.

During the course of the meet up told me because he’d been seen by someone he was just out of a long term “relationship “ with someone who was married. Sounds like it’s gone on for ages and only stopped recently and also during their time together they had a break up because he’d cheated on her but they got back together.

He told me her name. She’s still on his social media. She doesn’t look like an awful person and I can see lots of interaction between them over the last few years.

Who knows why she had an affair but what about him. He was vague and said they’d separated in last month.

He will carry on with her

I also would not get involved. He sounds as though he pleases himself. He will just continue on the same old pattern (lying and cheating).

No, he sounds like he gets off on being sneaky and manipulative. I have no tolerance for that.

No, I wouldn't, because I think it says something about them as a person and their values. They don't align with mine.

He's cool with cheating.

He's cheated himself.

He's just one month out of what sounds like a somewhat dramatic long term affair with a married woman and he's still in touch with her.

You have the fantastic opportunity to be the rebound/other woman with a cheater who enjoys drama.

Why would you even bother seeing him again? He's got red flags flying everywhere.

No, I wouldn't get involved with anyone who was happy to get involved with someone who was in a relationship. It tells me they're comfortable with being complicit in deceit and that doesn't align with my personal values.

I think he's lining you up to be his other 'other woman'. He doesn't seem to be very good at ending one relationship before he starts another, and that's just from his most recent history, that he's told you about. There's no reason to expect you would be treated any better.

Did she leave her DH to be with him after a long affair and now he’s dumped her? Reading between the lines, that’s what it sounds like! Which doesn’t exactly cover him with glory.

They sound far too enmeshed.

The start of a new relationship should be all the nice feels and drama free. He has already paved the road to hell with red flags before you even went on a proper date. You will never be able to trust this small little man. Unless you live for drama and want to have this much turmoil you should run the other way. He's over 50 ffs and he is acting like he's peter pan. What a knob.

Well if you get together with him you can absolutely rely on him to be unfaithful to you too, probably with that woman. If that's what you want, crack on.

Walk away. He clearly has few morals. If the relationship only ended last month he's on the rebound.

So let me get this clear.

You were out with this bloke.

The married woman he’s seeing spotted you two together. You saw her too. She left looking upset but then sent texts to him one of which had the word ‘liar’ in it.

He told you he and she had broken up before because she had found out he was seeing someone else. Even though she is married and cheating on her husband, this for her was a betrayal.

They are now no longer an item and he is actively pursuing you?

What a nasty, sordid little pair they both are.

And he will continue his relationship with her. You will be sucked into the drama. And he will not take responsibility for any misery you will feel because he told you all about it from the off so you knew.

Do not be flattered by him. He’s a creep and so is the married woman. Her poor dh and dcs.

Run a mile. Unless of course you love drama and pain and misery.

I don’t think the affair bit really matters in your situation, as he is still in a messy break up with his ex and this new thing with you is too soon.

Looking beneath the fact that he's with a married woman, I see a possible avoidant and/or commitment-phobe. Be very careful with your heart.

If the two of them were made for each other, but she happened to be married to the wrong person, the two of them would be together, or planning to be. But it doesn't sound like that, because he betrayed her too with someone else (if you can betray someone who's married) and now he's with you.

So if it wasn't true love, why on earth would you spend years with a married woman?

Because you're someone who's an avoidant/avoidantly attached! Look it up.

It's easy to focus on the fact that he was an AP, but given that he wasn't married or in a committed life partnership himself, the correct question to ask is why would he do that? Why would he want to be in a "relationship" where he couldn't really see the person that much, or go on many dates, or holidays? Because he's happiest being single, I'll bet.

I'm sorry but I had to comment on the first sentence here. I was constantly amazed by how sane, rational and nice my ex seemed to be on social media, whereas in fact he was a horrible abusive lunatic with a personality disorder. I don't think you can necessarily tell what someone is like from their online interactions.

And my answer to your original question is no, I wouldn't. It would totally turn me off of them. It has done before even with potential friends. Our moral compasses do not align.

No absolutely not. I’d rather be on my own.
Don’t lower yourself, you can do far far better than him.

No.

No because it tells you where his morals are at. He's prepared to sleep with someone who is married. At least you know what behaviour he's capable of justifying to himself in future.

Regardless of him being an affair partner the whole thing is messed up. He is completely oversharing and you are embroiled in the drama and stalking her page. Surely at this stage you should be enjoying dates and not second guessing everything.

Get rid

No. For the following reason:

A friend of mine did - he’d been married, cheated and was divorced. They dated, married, had 3 children….

You know where this is going - about 13 years later, he walked out one day to live with one of the mums he’d met on the school run. They’d been having an affair for 2 years.

My friend had NO IDEA, it was a total shock and has taken her years to recover from. More than a decade on and she’s remained single. I doubt she’ll trust anyone again TBH.

The now adult children don’t speak to their dad any longer.

No, as I want a partner whose morals align with mine.

He's shown quite blatantly that you can never trust him, yet you are meeting him again, What possible mitigating factors could there be?

You are walking into a well-signposted minefield, and cannot be surprised if you end up hurt.

I wouldn’t knowingly walk into that situation, there are plenty of other nice people.

No I’ve done it and wouldn’t recommend.
Shows you where his moral compass is. And because she’s clearly of the same ilk she’ll think nothing of continuing to sleep with him whilst he’s with you.
Step away from it, or you will get hurt. Speaking from experience

He'll go back to her as soon as she clicks her fingers. Don't get involved.